Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (Full Version)

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AAkasha -> Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 12:42:02 PM)


Do some femdoms see "scening" or "playing" as maintenance, of a sort, to keep a submissive man in the mindset she desires, keep him obedient, and essentially satisfy her obligations in her role as "dominant"?  Do they enjoy the playtime on some level, but really, if they could have the obedience/devotion/submission without provocation, would they be just as pleased?

Do submissive men see a bait and switch among dominant women, where there is a lot of "play" (physical domination, sexual domination, kinky games) early in a relationship, but it tapers off as things solidify and love plays a role, and then the submissive is left guiltily wondering why he does not get as much "play time" -- but, who is he to complain?  After all, he's the submissive - and he knows she will walk away if he gets pushy.  So he "settles" for the minimal amount of play, after all, a little is better than none.

Sometimes it feels to me that as bottoms are given more of a bad rap, and "play" or "scenes" are likened to bedroom players or "roleplayers", submissives are being forced more and more to adapt to a role where kinky play is something they have to be careful about - regarding how they position it as a part of their needs.  This is in part because of the vast number of men who just want kinky stimulation and have soured femdoms to the notion completely.  However, I think that heavily "kinked" women "get it" - they know what a fetish feels like and they understand the role it plays in a relationship and the place it must have.  But other femdoms see it is a necessary evil, almost.  "Scenes" are what they have to do to keep their submissive man in the manner they want.  This is evidenced by the drop of their desire to "play" once the man is hooked.  Or, these are women that are in serious experimentation mode, then realize, yes, they LOVE the dynamic of a submissive/Femdom relationship - but more for the attention, the control, the safety - but really could do without the fetishes and scening.

I like kinky sex for what it is. I like fetishes including bondage, humiliation and pain play because they turn my crank.  My "scenes" would continue if there were no submissive men volunteering - I'd get it some other way, through seducing vanilla guys or even paying for it, if I had no choice.  It's in my wiring.  As time goes on, it seems like scening, or play, gets an increasingly bad rap. 

I think the mixes messages are making single submissive men more neurotic with time.  How do you balance your desires (or lack of desire) for kinky play? 

Would you be playing in kinky ways, even if the men were not submissive?

Akasha



VeryMercurial -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 1:10:15 PM)

Nope, I am not a Professional Dominant and not getting a "tribute" or a "donation".
I don't see what I would be getting out of that situation.



rob425 -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 1:12:55 PM)

I guess I have been lucky and never just had a bedroom dominate. In all my relationships nothing has ever seemed fiorced. I rarely ever need to reminded of my submissive nature seeing that is who i am. Very caring to those I am with.

I don't think i would stay in a relationship if what the other partner was doing seemed force or they weren't enjoying it. I want both partners to be happy.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 2:05:21 PM)

I love playing.  I fondly remember my early days in the scene, when I could have five scenes in one evening and be raring for more.  (yeah, the Olden Days!).  Were any of those men or women I played with "submissive"?  Well, some of them were, I'm sure.  Honestly, I really didn't ask---as long as the dynamic worked for the length of the scene, great.  I made some cool friends that way. :) 

Anyone I am in a relationship with has to live with the idea that I am going to play with other people.  My play is not sexual,  but it's going to happen.  This doesn't reflect a dissatisfaction with my primary, it's just the love of the game.  If I wind up with a vanilla mate, the kink is still happening.

When a partner is "always" available, the level of play is likely to change over time, just as sex changes over time. Life isn't a 24/7 scene, and the honeymoon ends eventually.   For me, I don't see the desire to play disappearing as the relationship deepens.  It's a constant way of reaffirming the connection, strengthening the bond, and keeping our desires focused and in line with one another. 



unravel -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 2:44:50 PM)

i think You summed it up best by saying "I like kinky sex for what it is".
 
The way i see it, as a Dominant You are to do what satisfies and pleases You. Of course there is some responsibility in the emotional well-being of the submissive to some extent, but it is about him/her serving the Dominant, and the Dominant being pleased. And as a Dominant, as a Human being, Your needs may evolve one way or the other. That's Life:)
 
i am more attached to the d/s side of things, and i think it is a path a submissive takes, to reach a maturity level where he/she is not to even question whether or not there is some "fairness", or some "decrease" in the level of "play time".
As each relationship matures, "physical play" intensity and frequency varies as each relationship is unique, bdsm or vanilla or other really. But as a submissive, i think the key is to embrace each and every evolution of where the relationship goes, one step at a time. By embracing and not questioning or letting frustration set in, the submissive can only be more content in his heart and devotion.
 
my two cents:)

unravel



darchChylde -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 3:23:03 PM)

for various reasons, including my own choice and a mutual agreement, Ma'am and i have had much less than minimal "play" in our relationship... i'm not saying that i don't want to scene with Her or to have a more physically intimate relationship with Her, but being tied up and beaten doesn't make me submissive to Her, my love for Her and trust in Her wisdom and dominance to

i am submissive to Her because She brings that side out in me just by being Herself, i obey Her because She makes me want to



hardbodysub -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 3:24:12 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: VeryMercurial

Nope, I am not a Professional Dominant and not getting a "tribute" or a "donation".
I don't see what I would be getting out of that situation.


Ummm... could you be more vague?



thetammyjo -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 3:34:30 PM)

Actually in most of my Ds relationships I've been the one more interested in scening in the traditional sense.

Time is a big issue though with me as is stress. If I'm feeling stress I'm less likely to feel sexual and sense feeling like a scene is less often than feeling like having an orgasm, the traditional scenes fall off too.



darchChylde -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 3:37:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


Would you be playing in kinky ways, even if the men were not submissive?




quote:

ORIGINAL: VeryMercurial

Nope, I am not a Professional Dominant and not getting a "tribute" or a "donation".
I don't see what I would be getting out of that situation.



quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

Ummm... could you be more vague?



i could be wrong, i have been many times and this may be one of them

i think she's trying to say that she doesn't enjoy kink for it's own sake, but only as a means to an end; i think her profile makes that quite clear

edited to add that the last sentence fragment was highly sarcastic



AFlyInYourWeb -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 3:51:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Do submissive men see a bait and switch among dominant women, where there is a lot of "play" (physical domination, sexual domination, kinky games) early in a relationship, but it tapers off as things solidify and love plays a role, and then the submissive is left guiltily wondering why he does not get as much "play time" -- but, who is he to complain?  After all, he's the submissive - and he knows she will walk away if he gets pushy.  So he "settles" for the minimal amount of play, after all, a little is better than none.


I don't see it as "bait and switch" by most Dominas [although there are always exceptions], certainly not the Dominas I've personally known.

However, the part of your quote I underlined, "love plays a role", may be closer to the truth.  I have read threads and posts by female submissives complaining that after their Dom fell in love with them, the Dom seemed reluctant to inflict pain or denial on them as often as at the start of the relationship.

I think "loves plays a role" may be a reason for the decline in some Dominas' urge to inflict pain and denial on someone they've grown to love...who happens to be their submissive male.



petdave -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 5:23:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Do submissive men see a bait and switch among dominant women, where there is a lot of "play" (physical domination, sexual domination, kinky games) early in a relationship, but it tapers off as things solidify and love plays a role, and then the submissive is left guiltily wondering why he does not get as much "play time" -- but, who is he to complain?  After all, he's the submissive - and he knows she will walk away if he gets pushy.  So he "settles" for the minimal amount of play, after all, a little is better than none.



Well, sure... in a lifestyle that turns so many traditional roles and values upside-down, isn't reassuring that post-marriage bed death carries through?

No?

Anybody?

See, this is why i've given up on that silver lining shit. No takers [&:]



Jasmyn -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 5:32:34 PM)

I don't need, nor want, a sub to trade his or her kink for obedience, service and devotion ... if I only wanted the latter I'd might as well buy a dog.... but I want a human to interact with ... I want to see their eyes, pleading with me to not pour candle wax on their genitials, I want to see their transformation when dressed in heels and chiffons, I want to see their butts rising, anticipating, expecting the next stroke of my cane, I want to feel their tongue the leather of my boots, I want them crawling at my feet where for that moment in time they belong ...

The 'lifestyle' bandwagon within BDSM is way too hung up on d/s ...that a sub (particularly submissive males) can't or shouldn't dare ask for anything ...expect anything ... let alone want anything.... that 'service' should be enough ... leaving kink, leather, fetishes, fantasies unfairly relegated to something that only 'players' do ...hell I've even read it here on these boards ... that the latter is something vanillas' do ... yay paint me white and call me vanilla. 

Except in profiles I've yet to change, I very rarely refer to myself now as a 'lifestyle dominant' ... once it use to be a label I was proud to carry ... now it just bores the shitters out of me ...

I am kinky!  I just happen to be kinky and DOMINANT.




TNstepsout -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 7:22:34 PM)

I like BDSM play and look forward to it. I just don't want to feel pushed into doing it or as if it's the only thing cementing the relationship. I don't want to feel insecure that if I don't beat him regularly that he'll wander off to find more fertile ground. I want to feel that there is something more that keeps him at my feet.



MsIncontrol -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/11/2007 8:07:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Do some femdoms see "scening" or "playing" as maintenance, of a sort, to keep a submissive man in the mindset she desires, keep him obedient, and essentially satisfy her obligations in her role as "dominant"?  Do they enjoy the playtime on some level, but really, if they could have the obedience/devotion/submission without provocation, would they be just as pleased?

Would you be playing in kinky ways, even if the men were not submissive?


I guess in my understanding of this post is do I scene or play in order to keep my submissive, submissive?  No.  Do I occasionally throw the dog a bone even if it isn't something I enjoy immensely?  Yes.  My husband has a few fetishes that I do not share, I choose to use these to my advantage to win his heart and submission.  

That is not to say I do not enjoy play.  I am a sadist and he would not identify as a masochist, but yet he takes my pain for my pleasure...not his.  Would some say I submit to his fetish desires? Sure, they would...but to me it is about give and take in our relationship.  I do reward him with his fetishes for good service.  For example, he really loves to wear pantyhose, the tight binding feeling of the fabric is something he yearns for.  Me, I like men to be men...but after a long hard pain session or very dutiful service, I order him to wear pantyhose....to soothe him...to make him happy he worked so hard at serving me.

With or without my submissive I would be playing kinky.  It is something I need/yearn for and cannot be happy without.   The fact I can have my cake and eat it too just makes me one very lucky woman!

PS _ I've been with my husband for more than 8 years and we haven't suffered the "post marriage bed death".  It takes time, creativeness and effort, but if you both prioritize the sexual and BDSM aspect of your relationship than you shouldn't have a problem.  In fact, coming to these boards and community events keeps things flowing with fresh ideas.



unravel -> RE: Trading kink for obedience, service, devotion (11/12/2007 10:12:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

I like BDSM play and look forward to it. I just don't want to feel pushed into doing it or as if it's the only thing cementing the relationship. I don't want to feel insecure that if I don't beat him regularly that he'll wander off to find more fertile ground. I want to feel that there is something more that keeps him at my feet.

Very well put, TNstepsout. It brings the perspective of the submissive being also an emotional support to his/her Dominant, and again putting his/her needs second to simply serving the Dominant, and being grateful for it and for the every day living of the d/s relationship, regardless of the "activities" involved.
unravel



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