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scottjk -> RE: Are lifestyle people more in the closet than the gay community (11/11/2007 3:44:56 PM)
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To put an objective spin on things, we live in a society where we teach that violence of any kind, regardless of it's application is wrong. Even the use of violence to stop violence. I find it laughable, really. It's the ultimate in hypocrisy, considering that the simple act of voting has an implicit threat of violence behind it. :)
In our lifestyle, violence permeates everything we do. We all know that. To the world outside our private circles, we're perceived as a threat to thier skewed view of violence, as well as our implicit view that relationships are not between equals in the conventional sense. (I feel it would be more accurate to say it's between complimentary individuals, like ying and yang.) Our society struggles for safety and security every day against violence and inequality, teach it to our children as dogma and implement it as law in our governments. However, as society does this, they remove certain rights to choose how we want to live. We threaten that because we contradict that view of non-violence and equality we're teaching our children and trying to express in our legislation.
Personally, I think there are some major differences between being gay and being a bdsm lifestyler. (Please, no quibbling about definitions and labels.)
1. Anti-gay topics were not really part of the school curriculum, whereas anti-violence and equality is.
2. While there isn't any anti-gay legislation, there is some ancient legislation against sodomy, and it's hard to enforce. However there are LOTS of anti-violence legislation, and it is often swiftly employed, often recklessly. Just intimidating some one is cause for arrest.
3. Outwardly, same sex couples not in the lifestyle display a gentle and loving nature to each other in non threatening ways. That's good PR. It's hard to perceive any kind of harm. Inside the lifestyle, it's quite the opposite. One partner subjugating another. The PR value is not very good, the outward message (even with the best of intentions) is the naked exercise and enjoyment of power.
4. Psychology these days has pretty much dropped the concept of gay as an aberration since society has accepted it as a kind of norm overall, but it hasn't for our lifestyle. The Stockholm Syndrome or it's concepts are bandied about quite a bit. (Bad guy is still a bad guy and the hostage's experience has deranged her so her statements can't be considered the trustworthy.)
5. Gay lifestyles don't have any blatant sexual overtones, no different from hetero lifestyles. We know they're fucking, it's simply implied. BDSM lifestyles tend to have blatant sexual overtones. Everyone knows they're fucking, however, the imagination runs wild in regards to HOW they fuck and WHERE they fuck and WHEN they fuck and..... well, I've made my point. :) To say the least, the overtones are a blending of violence and eroticism and it's heady stuff.
6. While the gay community can make a genetic case for their choice, that's not so true for our lifestyle. Where the gay community can claim a lack of any real choice, it's not so easy for us. Society creates laws to control rampant violence and enforce equal rights. We can choose to obey or not, and our lifestyle clearly demonstrates that we've made our choice to the contrary, in-spite of it's limited scope. The fact that we chose to be contrary at all makes people nervous. As a society, we tend to see law as an all-or-nothing contract. Blurring the edges, as we all know, creates an environment of abuse that is difficult to prevent.
Should we come 'out of the closet'? Right now? I don't think so. How we want to live shouldn't be made into a political battle ground. As Dom/mes, we love our subs dearly, and it's in our nature to protect and care for them, not subject them to the loss and pain that a political battle will surely cause. I'm certain our subs feel the same way about their Dom/mes. Gay rights had to happen because the issue of equality for them as individuals and as couples, in terms of marriage, finances, insurance, keeping jobs, bereavement and so on. There was something worth fighting for and winning for the gay community. It was worth the risk of a few zealots, and perhaps a few deaths to get the recognition that they honestly had a right to.
What would the BDSM community be fighting for? What issues are there that the civil rights movement and the gay rights movement hasn't accomplished for us already? Is there an issue that the BDSM community has that would be worth dying for, that others haven't already died for? What about consequences of our community's actions? For example, the domestic violence laws we have in place. Should they be re-written to account for our lifestyle? How about kidnapping, rape, and a slew of others meant to protect our vulnerable populations? Should they be re-written to accommodate our lifestyle at the expense of others? Personally, I'm not willing. There is way too much that could go wrong, and not a whole lot to gain.
I say things are fine in the closet. ;) As long as we don't push our lifestyle in the face of those that don't approve, things are pretty good. We can quietly grow and include others. The strategy of using Sex Positive Community Centers will work rather neatly, and those interested in learning about our lifestyle will learn in a safe and supportive environment that we, as lifestylers, have provided without pushing it in other's faces. I'd rather have our community accepted because we're simply there and no big deal, rather than the community that has chosen litigation and a semi-threatening posture to gain recognition if not acceptance. As long as we offer free education, a safe place to play, and support each other, newcomers and elders, not to mention 'police' up our bad apples, we are in pretty good shape, and will be in pretty good shape in the future.
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