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More experienced than him? - 11/11/2007 8:54:17 PM

liminalRapture

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I can't believe I'm posting this--I still think of myself as not knowing what I'm doing. But, I've got more experience than the last 2 men I've flirted with. One I might, sort of, maybe be seeing. And he is a newbie. (I've only had one real relationship here, but we lived together for a year, so I do have some experience.)
I'm trying like hell to bite my tongue and not say anything, but I said "I need to slow down" at one point and he took it as "stop everything and talk about the weather for the rest of the evening." I want to tell him that I will resist sometimes, not because I'm trying to be bratty, but because I need reassurance sometimes--it isn't a game, although I've watched myself do it enough I think I actually enjoy having reistance assuaged. I'm not sure. But I have no clue what, if anything, I should tell him or how to be more experienced and surrender at the same time. I don't want to navigate, but I also want to make sure he has a compass and realizes there is a big difference, for me, between 'could we slow down?' and 'safe word.' Anyone have any relevant advice?

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RE: More experienced than him? - 11/11/2007 9:07:04 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Not to get too worried- you aren't even really seeing him yet, so why all the pressure?

Why shouldn't you navigate? You don't want to help him? I know it might feel uncomfortable, but if you choose to be with a newbie, you accept as part of your responsibilities is to teach him.

A slave can do anything they want- as long as they have permission first. Sit down and talk and say "Hey, I really want to fight you hard and have you fight back. When I say hang on a minute, it just means we need to reposition ourselves or something, not that you have to totally stop."

Remember that whole direct and open communication idea? Use it.

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RE: More experienced than him? - 11/12/2007 6:31:58 AM

Dnomyar

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Like LA said communication. Newbies have to gain experience from more knowledgeable people don't they??

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RE: More experienced than him? - 11/12/2007 8:30:42 AM

Dilseachd

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A good experianced submisive or bottom can do alot to teach novice domiants and tops. See it as another service you can do. Yes you need to discuss it with them and let it be known your not topping from the bottom, but that commuication/feedback you can give them will help them grow. In the past, I have had several new femdoms that I know approach me and ask if I could let them learn something on me that they had not experiance but I had...or simply let them play harder than they have before. Personally I enjoy being a "crash test dummy". Dont feel guily or ashamed about it...as I said...its just another service you can perform for you dominant.

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RE: More experienced than him? - 11/12/2007 10:07:25 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: liminalRapture

But I have no clue what, if anything, I should tell him or how to be more experienced and surrender at the same time. I don't want to navigate, but I also want to make sure he has a compass and realizes there is a big difference, for me, between 'could we slow down?' and 'safe word.' Anyone have any relevant advice?

Talk.

Do a lot of talking. Do some reading on the forums if you like and talk about what you read. Try to explain exactly what you want. Tell him plainly that you don't want to stop the action, just slow down for a little while. Then explain what that means (Does that mean holding the wax drip higher up so that it won't burn as hot or does it mean a little rub down time?). Communicate as effectively as you possibly can - he can't read your mind.

Enjoy!

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: More experienced than him? - 11/12/2007 10:47:20 AM

Celeste43

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When The Man and I got together neither of us had been in a formal d/s relationship before. But he has a naturally dominant personality in his romantic relationships. So yes, there was a learning curve.

The question here is if you feel submissive to him, if he emits the form of dominance that you best respond to? Because if not, although he might someday become a great dom for the girl next door, it won't work for you.

If you feel submissive to him, then submit. Because when you say slow down please, and he then chooses not to push you the rest of the night, that's his decision. Yield to it even if you aren't going to have a fantasy evening that night.

And talk about it at another time, because responding to his response of slowing down but telling him you didn't mean it like that may come off as you micromanaging him.

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RE: More experienced than him? - 11/12/2007 4:46:11 PM

liminalRapture

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43
The question here is if you feel submissive to him, if he emits the form of dominance that you best respond to? Because if not, although he might someday become a great dom for the girl next door, it won't work for you.

If you feel submissive to him, then submit.

I don't feel submissive to him yet. He's never dominated me. He has made a few suggestions that I've followed, but there has been no dominance. I like him on a nilla level and I'm hoping the dominance will come when he feels more comfortable with it, but I don't know how to communicate that without it feeling even less like he is actually dominating me.

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RE: More experienced than him? - 11/12/2007 5:32:58 PM

homework

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Take your time, take your time, take your time. Patience is just a great thing for a submissive to have. Let your relationship to get off the ground and at the same time tell him what you would like. YOu can communicate these ideas however you want. Maybe you trade fantasies and see what he does with it? I mean be creative. This is something for the both of you to explore together. Have fun.

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RE: More experienced than him? - 11/12/2007 7:39:25 PM

MasterofScyn

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Master and I are still new at this, when I met him I told him what I wanted. I never had experience with this, neither has he. But he did some research at the time on some other forums I was on he talked with another Master to get ideas of what was what. Now we are to a point to we are experienced enough to do things the right way, at the same time we are still learning together as we go. I've only read about this kind of thing, always been interested in this lifestyle. But every dude I met and told em what I wanted to do, they couldn't do it. Someone ended up being a Dom after me, yet he couldn't find it in his heart to dominate me. /shrug. don't know about that one.. Other couldn't figure out the difference between abuse, hitting and such vs pain for pleasure. That whole "Mom told me to never hit a woman" type thing.

Master though, I told him to tie me up and spank me.... He liked it.. So he did quite a bit of research on it. Perhaps this person your with, if he was serious about it, can research it. Even come here and talk to other Masters about questions he has. Never know what will come out of it.

Scyn ~

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