julietsierra
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Joined: 9/26/2004
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When I was growing up, my mother used to sing this little song about women who don't need men. She said she was teaching me to be strong.
Except I couldn't figure out why we didn't need men.
When I was going through the process of learning about the intricacies of womanhood, I was told "don't be so girlie... this isn't a fashion show... quit walking like that, talking like that, being like that..." And always, "you don't need a man to get by in this life."
But the thing was, I WAS girlie, I did like to look nice, I felt feminine and had to hide it all the time. And regardless of who they were, I valued the men in my life - but I had to hide all this.
The result was that there was this ever-present disconnect between what I was doing and who I was. And despite all their teachings, my personality put me in a position of trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be. Eventually, their truths became my truths and I couldn't separate what they thought from who I genuinely was.
I married the appropriate man, did the appropriate things, lived in the appropriate manner. And through it all - including within my sex life, I kept thinking "Is this all there is?" I seriously didn't understand that there could be more. I just knew that my overriding emotion was always always ALWAYS... sadness, interspersed with short periods of happiness.
In short, I was living someone else's life.
Eventually that all ended. At the same time, I was talking to someone online who told me about bdsm. My exact words to him were "Are you fucking LOONEY?!" But for some reason, what he told me stuck in my head. I started to delve into what he was talking about - looking things up on the internet, at the bookstores, in the library at the college I was attending. Finally, I found something on the internet that explained the gist of all this to me in a way I could understand.
I came to realize that all this "stuff" I'd been taught were someone else's views of life and that I'd never explored MY views. I finally realized that it was up to me to decide how I wished to live my life and what was important to me. I finally understood that whether I decided against bdsm, or for it, that was ok - so long as it was because *I* was making this choice because it was good for *me* As I learned, each little tidbit of information I acquired seemed to fit how I saw myself more and more. I embraced this new me. I embraced the concepts of BDSM that I was learning. Along the way though, I was turning each and every little idea over and over in my head. I didn't want to fall into the pattern of accepting someone else's views of how my life should be lived ever ever again. I wanted to live my life how *I* thought it should be lived.
When I met my Master, it was like all the little pieces of the puzzle finally fit together. This man enjoyed my femininity. He relished my efforts to do all the things I'd always been taught not to do. He loved that I valued him. He also loved the good things I'd been taught. He valued my intelligence and recognized and pointed out the strengths that had always been there, albiet different from those who were never satisfied with me. Most of all though, he gave me the time and space to be who I am inside - NOT who he decreed I should be. He wouldn't accept pretense, self-sacrifice of my values or any of the things that had typically been reinforced in my life. He would ONLY accept me.
This process, his care and his ownership of me gave me the freedom to be who I am - who I was always meant to be. Our union is one of two people who are and make every effort to remain as genuine as they can be. No pretense is allowed. The first rule is to be "natural." Everything else flows from there.
Eventually, our relationship evolved into what it was always heading to in the first place. I became his slave. And in that, for the very first time in my life, I can be myself. I can be feminine, I can walk as I am comfortable with. I can explore what it means to me, to be a woman. I can unashamedly value the men in my life. I can be free.
The argument could be made that the same things could have happened in a vanilla life and I'd have to admit that that's true. However, D/s and SM is a large and integral part of my life. And a slave - my Master's slave - is who I am, integrated fully with all of who I am. And that works for me.
For the first time in my life, I am who I was always meant to be. I am happy. I am free.
Oh, and by the way, I also found the answer to my question of "is this all there is?" All of that...is NOT all there is. I'm still exploring all there is - including things I never even heard of or thought of before.
I feel like the guy in Plato's allegory of "The Cave." I've come into the sun and while the process initially hurt, I discovered that all those things I used to be told were "real"... were just shadows of what there could be. Slavery is my sunlight. My reward is freedom.
And I never ever want to go back down into the cave again.
juliet
If you'd care to read the allegory of the cave, it can be found here:
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/platoscave.html
< Message edited by julietsierra -- 11/14/2007 3:02:47 AM >
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Freedom through slavery/submission - 
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