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RE: Controlling your buttons - 11/15/2007 8:09:31 AM

MystressDream

Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

I am passionate, outspoken woman with real live emotions. I'm not afraid to show them and I will never suppress them for fear that someone may see it or that someone might not be able to handle it. I live my life with a submissive the same as I live every other moment in my life -- authentically. My moments in BDSM aren't "roleplay", so I'm a human then, with feelings and emotions and reactivity, just as I am at any other point in my day. If he chooses to be on that path with me, he knows this and embraces my genuine reactions and emotions. We also communicate, so he knows that this is who and what I am, and we discuss the things that make us who we are -- the good and the bad. I honestly feel that my emotions are a live part of who I am, and the expression of them shows how much investment I have in those around me. Someone who cares for me, who is invested in me, and who wants to be a part of my life will accept that my emotions and reactivity is an exchange -- I want them to be as open with their feelings and passion as I am with them.

It's risky to put your emotions out there. You risk being judged; looked at as 'weak' or laughed at for being 'silly'. It's a big responsibility to handle other people's emotions 'in the moment', whether they are a dominant or a submissive. Most importantly, I think you run the risk leaving this life today with someone not knowing how you genuinely felt, reacted and cared for them being in your life if you don't share/express yourself (even the bad stuff.) I know I don't want that to happen, but that's for each person to decide for themselves.

Beautifully said. Thank you for putting in words what I have been thinking and feeling.

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Post #: 21

RE: Controlling your buttons - 11/15/2007 10:34:09 AM

MsLilac

Posts: 151
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianSMistress

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLilac

Hi

Why would showing emotion lose me respect from my slaves? I am not a robot, and am not about to cover up how I feel, because of some stereotype that Dommes have to be hard, cold, and emotionless.

I am not sure if that is directed at Me or not, but perhaps I should clearify that I am like that all the time, not just with My slaves. I always keep My emotions contained and a str8 face. It has nothing to do with a sterotype, its just who I am. I have in the past, had slaves that could not even deal with that fact, so believe Me, it is not for their benefit. I just dont think it is appropriate to be seen upset, how can you control someone else, if you can not even control yourself? I know this may not be the popular opinion, but it is Mine.

Hello ItalianSMistress,

My response was in no way directed towards you at all, if it was, I would have said so :o)

You have to do what works and feels right for you. When I made my comment, the OP conjured mental images of a stereotype that I dislike, that dominant women are to suppress emotions, and to feel shameful and ‘undommely’ if they express any type of emotion. Like we are suppose to try and attain some kind holy grail in exterior nonchalance (especially if a particular emotion burdens the sub and his perceived duty, or his fantasy).

But picking up on something you said, I personally don’t believe suppressing ones emotions and keeping a straight face on things has anything to do with being in control of oneself, relationship or situations that arise. For me, that is more to do with putting on a front, and stifling ones self. I am not saying you are, but from my perspective it would be.

I’m a passionate person, but I’m not manic. If something is bothering me, I sit back, take time out to think and assess, then talk about it in a calm, controlled manner. I consider one part of being in control as being honest to oneself, facing up and taking control of the issue, then reach a positive conclusion, without inciting or letting it lead to uncontrolled, argumentative behaviour, and keeping perspective. Suppressing my emotions is what frazzles me. I would hate to hate being able to express myself freely.

Also, a lot of how my slaves have learned how to react towards me comes from how I am feeling and how I express myself; when they see how I am, they know how to react appropriately. Keeping a “poker face” would be cutting off their instinctive cue.

But, you know, we all have different styles and ways of dealing with things, my way wont work for everyone. You obviously have to do what’s right for you. Rock on :D

< Message edited by MsLilac -- 11/15/2007 10:37:06 AM >

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Post #: 22

RE: Controlling your buttons - 11/15/2007 11:19:10 AM

MsLilac

Posts: 151
Joined: 5/31/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaiynasha

MsLilac, you ask two very interesting questions. I was going to just answer and say...triggers only...but you know, sometimes subs try to manipulate. So both buttons triggers and manipulation.

I don’t think you loosing respect (authority?) in their eyes is the issue. If you are being manipulated into a response, acting naturally, (then feeling bad about reacting in a way that is natural to you), that is something else altogether. If you are being goaded into a response, why would they not loose your respect instead? If my slaves did that to me, they would loose mine.

My suggestion is, take control of the situation, and make very clear that they should worry about them loosing your respect if their undesirable behaviour continues. You’ve no need to feel bad because you showed emotion, whether they manipulated it or not :o)

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Post #: 23

RE: Controlling your buttons - 11/15/2007 11:41:53 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Everyone has issues.

I'm a human being and I'm pretty up front about that fact. If someone can't handle a non-perfect, not-fetish-doll dominant, then they can't handle me.

First I take care of myself. Second I make sure my slave knows he should take care of himself and offer him venues in which to do that. Third we make time to talk.

Now if someone repeatedly is pushing my negative buttons (we have positive ones too) then I have to withdraw from the dynamic and ask myself some hard questions. At the end of the day, at the end of life, I'm the only one who will be there for me so my first priority needs to be taking care of myself. If someone is doing me harm, initially or uninitially I need to get away from them.

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Post #: 24

OT: Editing posts - 11/15/2007 2:21:19 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Once your post is posted, if you look up in the right hand corner just above the post box, you WILL see an "Edit" button. However, there is a time limit. I think it might be 15 min or something....but certainly you can edit it right after you post.

Master Fire

Edited to add: See? It works! ;-)

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Post #: 25

RE: Controlling your buttons - 11/15/2007 5:16:28 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

rubberpet,

quote:

I'm sorry you view my words as "so utterly flowery and saccharine", Elan. While I view Mistress through flowery, rose-colored glasses and love Her with all my heart, She is still human. I stated everything you mentioned in your post, just in a more flowery and saccharine laced manner.

I apologize if my post came across as a personal attack or an indictment of your approach. Perhaps I'm just digging myself a bigger hole, but I'll risk expressing my internal thinking.

It was your use of capitalized BDSM-speak and phrases like "Goddess from the heavens", "place Her upon a pedestal", and "as Her slave I feel as though I've let Her down" that I reacted to negatively. The "pedestal/Goddess/all about the domme" modus operandi is a huge button for me because, in my experience, it leads to unrealistic expectations and extremely unhealthy relationships. Whether intended or not, your post pushed this button.

I attempted to underline the importance of both partner's feelings, the necessity for two-way communication, and solutions that address the needs of both partners. These are, in my opinion, essential elements of any workable approach to conflict resolution.

Once again, I apologize if I misread your post (either originally or here).

Elan.

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Post #: 26

RE: Controlling your buttons - 11/15/2007 5:32:27 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

MisPandora,

I realize that MystressDream already quoted you, but your thoughts easily warrant a second, third, and forth viewing. Thank you for this most gorgeous and revealing post.

quote:

MisPandora:
I am passionate, outspoken woman with real live emotions. I'm not afraid to show them and I will never suppress them for fear that someone may see it or that someone might not be able to handle it. I live my life with a submissive the same as I live every other moment in my life -- authentically. My moments in BDSM aren't "roleplay", so I'm a human then, with feelings and emotions and reactivity, just as I am at any other point in my day. If he chooses to be on that path with me, he knows this and embraces my genuine reactions and emotions. We also communicate, so he knows that this is who and what I am, and we discuss the things that make us who we are -- the good and the bad. I honestly feel that my emotions are a live part of who I am, and the expression of them shows how much investment I have in those around me. Someone who cares for me, who is invested in me, and who wants to be a part of my life will accept that my emotions and reactivity is an exchange -- I want them to be as open with their feelings and passion as I am with them.

It's risky to put your emotions out there. You risk being judged; looked at as 'weak' or laughed at for being 'silly'. It's a big responsibility to handle other people's emotions 'in the moment', whether they are a dominant or a submissive. Most importantly, I think you run the risk leaving this life today with someone not knowing how you genuinely felt, reacted and cared for them being in your life if you don't share/express yourself (even the bad stuff.) I know I don't want that to happen, but that's for each person to decide for themselves.

Elan.

(in reply to MisPandora)

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Post #: 27

RE: OT: Editing posts - 11/15/2007 5:38:40 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

MasterFireMaam,

quote:

Once your post is posted, if you look up in the right hand corner just above the post box, you WILL see an "Edit" button. However, there is a time limit. I think it might be 15 min or something... but certainly you can edit it right after you post.

Thank you!

quote:

Edited to add: See? It works! ;-)

Hey. Wait a minute. What are you trying to do? Push my buttons?

Elan.

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Post #: 28

RE: Controlling your buttons - 11/15/2007 7:50:02 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

From the sub side, I haven't lost respect for him for being human. Because we are best friends and lovers as well as dom and sub, I have even been helpful in getting him to address what button has been pushed and why. He's shared with me some of his early experiences that have molded him, and I've been able to see why he overreacts and tell him what I think. If I hit on a truth, he identifies it and is grateful to me for helping him. The same way as I am grateful to him when I have an anxiety attack and can't get under control, he takes control of me, doing what is needed to help me.

More than that, being human I am going to be emotional and irrational occasionally. I wouldn't feel comfortable allowing him to see that part of me if he didn't return the favor from time to time. I could not be vulnerable to a man who couldn't share his vulnerabilities with me.

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Post #: 29