Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (Full Version)

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MercTech -> Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 7:45:00 AM)

  I am a novice to the lifestyle.  I find myself preparing to do something I have not done before and would like advice and suggestions from any with more experience than myself.

This past weekend I went for a first meeting with a submissive.  We had talked online about providing housekeeping services in exchange for room and board until this person could get their life more squared away.  In the discussion, I find that after meeting me the subbie is wanting a lot more than just room and board but would like a lot of playtime too.  This strikes me as a very amenable situation.

Now, we have scheduled a several day visit to my home.  I have yet to have someone under my authority in a 24/7 situation.  And, frankly, being a novice and dealing with a submissive that has decades more experience in the lifestyle feels a wee bit daunting. 

Any advice or experience shared about the dynamics of a 24/7 D/s relationship would be greatly appreciated.

Stefan



Celeste43 -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 7:49:08 AM)

I would be looking very carefully at why she is unable to provide for herself. Since she has a great deal of interest, it isn't that she is just out of school.

So why in all these years hasn't she found herself a steady career and set up a savings account?

I'd lock any valuables away and be sure it wouldn't be a tragedy for you to come home one day and find the place stripped.

Asking to move in with someone she hasn't known for a while is a red flag in my book. Maybe get a detective to research her would be the way to go if you really want this.



scottjk -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 7:55:54 AM)

At first blush, it does look very appealing, Merc...

I've had to re-read your post several times and I see I don't have much room to offer advice.

However, let me know if you'd appreciate me poking a few holes regarding this exploratory foray. My mind has a habit of running through several versions of a scenario and sometimes I comment out of scope, and this time I have a concern. I caught myself this time and damned proud of it thank you! :)
I'll voice my concerns if you'll invite me to do so. Otherwise, I can't comment, I haven't done 24/7 yet.




greyarcher315 -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 7:58:16 AM)

  i would be careful, and maybe ask why she can't support herself right now. When your life falls apart, sometimes evrything starts to look good, just to keep your head above water. i know, i am going through that kind of difficulty right now. Just make sure she is not just looking for a way out of her problems, because that could cause difficulty in the future. So make sure of her motives. Better safe than sorry. Good luck.



MercTech -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 8:02:23 AM)

  The stated reason for wishing to change her current situation has to do with being on an isolated ranch with a dominant couple and inability to get about for employment or errands.  The security aspect is of great concern.  Especially after having a house trashed by a previous girlfriend. (I even have pending legal action against her for the damages.)

We did seem to get along so well I am having her visit for several days.  And she shan't be long out of my sight for those several days.  From a pragmatic point of view, I want to know if she irritates the shit out of me after a while and whether I can rely on her to be able to do things she states she is competant at.  On the flipside, having a six foot long legged redhead riding on the back of my motorcycle should look quite good and be an ego boost. <grin>  But, I am investigating and making sure I'm thinking with the large head.

Stefan



MercTech -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 8:04:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: scottjk

At first blush, it does look very appealing, Merc...

I've had to re-read your post several times and I see I don't have much room to offer advice.

However, let me know if you'd appreciate me poking a few holes regarding this exploratory foray. My mind has a habit of running through several versions of a scenario and sometimes I comment out of scope, and this time I have a concern. I caught myself this time and damned proud of it thank you! :)
I'll voice my concerns if you'll invite me to do so. Otherwise, I can't comment, I haven't done 24/7 yet.




Yes, please voice the concerns.  Most of my reservations to the situation are from a pragmatic assurance of security of my possessions standpoint right now.

Stefan



scottjk -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 8:13:59 AM)

I'm taking that as an invite, then. LOL

Merc, you've had a valuable lesson with your last girl friend. Apply the lesson. If it was me, I'd do visits for about a year. (No keys until then.) If she's close by, she could drop by any time if she liked, but slave/sub protocols would engage once she was either inside, or if there's enough privacy, crossed the property line. It's unusual for bullshit to remain hidden for that time period.

While I realize that it would be a big ego boost to say, "That's my bitch!", I'd have to say that being burned vanilla and kink style, you should put yourself first every time until she's earned a place in your priority list. That would be true of any friend as well, in my opinion. I can't begin to tell you how many times I had to learn THAT lesson.

I can see you're my elder, so I don't think I've much to worry about. :) You might be thinking with the big head, but as a fellow Dom, I'll have to say for your sake, you're being overly influenced by the little one.

Good luck with your decision. :)



MercTech -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 8:14:36 AM)

A bit more information on my visiting subbie... she is recovered from a serious illness.  (not supplying details in a public forum)  She was not able to provide for herself for a while but is again able to do so again and wishes to.  Her current living situation limits her ability to travel due to remote location.  Having visited the household, I agree to the term "isolated".  We are talking a half hour drive for groceries or gasoline type isolation.  A plesant location but not conducive to rebuilding your bank account if you have no personal vehicle and must rely on other household members for transportation at thier convinience.

Our conversations started discussing room and board in exchange for housekeeping.  One of her first concerns was close availabilty of bus lines until she could afford her own transportation.  The dynamics changed quite a bit on discussing things face to face.

Stefan



lateralist1 -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 8:43:00 AM)

My advice is give her the benefit of the doubt but watch her closely.
Explain why you are a little worried. Women can have baggage and empathy.
If she is sub she should understand the close control and enjoy the attention of micromanagement. If you want details of how to micromanage then I am quite happy to help.
The dynamics might have changed when you met because she fancied you whereas before she was just looking for a helping hand.
Keep the play to a minimum until you trust her motives.
There is nothing more appealing to a serious sub than a Dom who gives the relationship time to flourish.
Flirting and teasing can intensify the initial attraction if that's what happened.
If she really is experienced and trustworthy she will help you learn how to dominate.
Most of all be yourself. Don't cover up your fears and the way she makes you feel.
She will have you wrapped round her little finger in no time at all lol.
Of course all the above is pure speculation.
She may be trying to take you for a mug.
Isn't the lifestyle about taking assessed risks?



scottjk -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 8:43:44 AM)

Merc?

This looks more like a rescue mission. I agree and applaud your motivations. However, I'm getting an uneasy feeling now.

Perhaps a more sensible approach? Keep the lifestyle and the crisis management separate. She's in crisis mode, and you're in a position to be generous. That's a good thing. You could provide limited guidence until she manages to establish herself. But, having had several experiences with relationships with women already in crisis mode, I had a hard time with it. Personally, I can't do it anymore, it just never stops. What's worse, if she moves in, and you develop the relationship more during the crisis, you may find yourself in a position where it is almost impossible to throw your hands up and toss her out. The crisis may never stop or a new one will appear suddenly once the first one is over.

If it was me, and I know every situation is different, I'd agree to the house keeping, but no lifestyle commitment until she finds a place of her own, and is able to get herself established. If she can do that, and do it for a year after the crisis is over, then I'd think you've got something.

Something is screaming trouble in my head the more I hear. Granted, I'm a skeptic, even a pessimist, but follow my line of thinking.

She offered house keeping for room and board, and then hints at sweetening the pot with 7/24 services? I'd go for the first, if that's all she offered, with some reservations, but... adding the second part?

I'm with you on this, this is a sweet deal, but for who? Can you afford it emotionally, financially and possibly legally if you make a bad call on this, Merc? If  you can, go for it, otherwise... No harm in showing compassion, with a firm grip on the handle bars to ensure things turn out the way you want it too, but you're headed for a bad case of road rash if you get emotionally involved during a crisis.

I hope I'm wrong. I'd like to be wrong. I want to be wrong. I don't have enough info, I know. This could play out in so many ways other than what you might hope for.

Sorry Merc, I have to be honest, I've seen this play out in a predictable way, both to myself and to a few others.

If you're comfortable betting on your sense of judgement of a person's character, then go with your gut. Just remember, watch the eyes when they answer questions. If they go to the left, they're using thier creative side of thier brain to tell you a lie, if they go to the right, critical thinking and memory, they're probably telling the truth.

Either way, make sure you have a way to at least minimize the damage, if not protect yourself.




Vanatru -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 9:02:55 AM)

Merc, once you let her into your house, removing her would take an eviction notice and 30 days min, plus all the legal crap. It's a huge red flag she wants to be a live-in maid instead of doing something real, like look for real work if she's really trying to get on her feet. Do a backbround check on her, it's about $80 at the website (however even the FBI uses it), but it'll give you past REAL jobs she had, credit, etc. There are some girls out there that float from situation to situation with no real roots or stability. She could very well  have 10 years (or whatever) experience, but it could be like 3 months there, 6 months somewhere else, etc. Does she have any lifestyle refs???



dolcedamiana -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 9:11:43 AM)

Ok my sweet, I am writing this to scare you a bit. I failed to do a background check on a man that seemed to be just what I was seeking.  He too wanted to move in right away and had no financial standing ( no money, no job, etc) He was to be my houseboy, errands, cooking, etc etc
Right before everything could have REALLY gone south, I did sever the relatioship and he did not move in with me as planned. Unfortunately, he then went completly psychotic on me. Stalking me, harassing, and threatening me. I did do a background check on him and I found out about prison time he had done for some VERY heinous things. Scared me and I am a tough woman to scare.

Simply be cautious and do a background check on anyone that will be in your life or home or otherwise.

I do wish you all the best my sweet



MercTech -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 9:25:50 AM)

I appreciate all the concern.  I have done a background check and found no wants, warrants, bad debts etc.  I found record of residence in the places and times that coincided with conversation and record of a marriage and divorce years ago as stated.

A visit is going to happen.  I planned on that.

Now, what would all of you suggest I look for, or look out for, during the few days she will be visiting me?

Stefan



mnottertail -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 9:32:41 AM)

talk alot, I mean alot, and it will become apparent, in situ.

Ron 

if she doesn't swallow?  outta here, clown....



mhawk -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 9:38:23 AM)





Merc,

i know there has been loads of advice on your post.

do what you feel is best with the knowledge and experience you have.

i have mentioned this in other threads and do not fear to again.my Lord and Owner brought me to His home with Him and His wife from a place of my own poverty.on other boards we have heard similar concerns from people regarding this matter and they are individual concerns.

my Lord and His wife took a great leap of faith in bringing me here.they too have had another who ran amuck on them and it did leave a "bad taste in their mouths". but after extended periods of contact online and on the phone with all of us,they flew me out here.it's been over a month now and things get better every day.

the largest thing we have to work on is my "faith" so to speak,i've had people that walked away from me in the past due to health issues i have to this day, but, they have not.they have reasured me on a regular basis that i am wanted here and i am safe here. the only thing i have to worry with is keeping up with good service to both of them,keeping track of the groceries and maintaining the house on a daily basis.those are just some of the things i do for them as their slave.

what i am saying is this. i can tell you are wise enough to make the right choice for you and your submissive.do what you feel is right for both of you.

and in regards to the personal experience on this level if you wish to talk to someone who has been there(just for talk) feel free to email

i wish you the best





southernhart -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 10:06:39 AM)

i wish You he best of luck with her, but from the stories i have heard from Masters in the same situation as You and the women i have known who are like that. i would run like hell!!!!!!!!

PS

If she shows up for thge few days stay and brings everything she owns with her. i would not open the door. i would also make sure she is drug and alcohol free.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 11:15:03 AM)

Stefan,
Appreciating the attraction of a "6 foot long legged redhead" riding on the back of your motorcycle or something else; based on the information, and more critical, the mind-set you've disclosed, I don't think it will work.

My position comes from you projecting a sentiment of "I have a slave 24/7 - now what do I do with her!?" Not quite, "be careful what you wish for..." but close. Novice of "expert" representation has very little to do with it from either side of the flogger. A "payment for services rendered" relationship is usually a very short term situation. What else do you have in common?

We're asked often how we became 24/7, or better yet "why?" The answer for both of us comes easy - we couldn't live any other way. However before it occurred we exposed ourselves to the other and got 'naked', disclosing all the hidden flaws and looking at them closely. We then talked about expectations and the responsibilities each of us would take. We exchanged every fantasy we had running the gamut from pets of the 4 legged variety to the two legged kind who may be invited to share our intimacy in the future. We spoke of "career", money, travel, and even home decor. We then put all, or at least the most important parts of our responsibilities and expectations on paper; and once again discussed the meaning each of us applied to the words written. The document evolved into a 'contract' or 'rules'; pragmatically knowing it had no legal standing, which wasn't our intent, but simply as a referencing benchmark of our, at that time pending relationship. At the end of the process, nearly five years ago now, she and I became us.

We both came from a position of strength. We didn't need each other. We were both independent, strong, and confident. We also believed that we knew ourselves very well. When we met the strongest agreement we had in common was being ABSOLUTE in our contention that there was no one in the world who could "put up" with us on a long term basis. We got together not because either of us had to. We became 24/7 Master/slave and eventually man/wife because anything else just wasn't acceptable.

Look around CM for examples of failure. You have people bouncing and rebounding from person to person, attempted to scratch an 'itch'. They serve at least 2 or 3 other 'masters' in their lives. Career, job, school, family, all need be considered and in sync with your goals. You need to have goals. You need to establish a common "dictionary".

Dominating and serving 24/7 never lives up to expectations. We consider ourselves very fortunate that our expectations were exceeded. Some people say it's 'work' from either side of the flogger. There is a another side that says that dominance and submission must come naturally for the dynamic to exist 24/7. I don't follow either belief. I know it doesn't feel like "work" for either of us. Seeing beth 'dominate' better than I in dealing with some people and situations she is capable of 'natural' dominance. Overall I think it works because our relationship fits us and is better described as a blanket, that we worked to create, but now provides 'natural' comfort, warmth, and security. I'm also of an opinion that a relationship works because the people involved in it both become 'slaves' to it, and serve it lovingly. It 'IS' and becomes vastly more important than the individuals. Another very critical aspect is we have a whole bunch of FUN together. Five years in we now don't believe it possible to have fun without the other. That may come across as a pretty sad situation when you think about it from outside; but denying that as a factual representation about how we feel would be a lie.

Does any of this description fit what you feel for the person you are considering?

Maybe it doesn't have to. However in answering your call for advice, I can only speak from how and why 24/7 applies to us.

In honest disclosure we are still working on the goal of 24/7. At the present, I still have to serve my personal other 'master'. I go to the office and serve the company I own in order to support the household I've established. On average, our life is more accurately described as 16/7; but I'm doing my best to work on achieving that 24/7 goal. If I'm wrong and you feel this way for the person you are considering - go for it! If not, going in - you both should be planing an exit strategy.

Good luck to you Stefan.



softpjOS -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 11:24:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MercTech

I am a novice to the lifestyle.  I find myself preparing to do something I have not done before and would like advice and suggestions from any with more experience than myself.

This past weekend I went for a first meeting with a submissive.  We had talked online about providing housekeeping services in exchange for room and board until this person could get their life more squared away.  In the discussion, I find that after meeting me the subbie is wanting a lot more than just room and board but would like a lot of playtime too.  This strikes me as a very amenable situation.

Now, we have scheduled a several day visit to my home.  I have yet to have someone under my authority in a 24/7 situation.  And, frankly, being a novice and dealing with a submissive that has decades more experience in the lifestyle feels a wee bit daunting. 

Any advice or experience shared about the dynamics of a 24/7 D/s relationship would be greatly appreciated.

Stefan


Quoted because I believe the original question has thus far not been answered.  lol.  And no, I'm not being snarky about those that have given advice already so shhhhh [:D] don't attack me ~smiles~
 
As for that original question ...... see? i get side tracked too
 
Since You've not (as You put it) had someone under Your "authority" 24/7 before, You need to step back and consider exactly what it is You are expecting.  You state room/board in exchange for housekeeping.  Take that thought and list what that means to You, not just "clean the bathroom" but in detail what You expect.  Your definition of cleaning will differ greatly from someone elses.  You said she appears to want more then just room and board, again, have her sit down and list in detail (not specific scenes but more of how often, how much..) play time. 
 
While she's there on the extended visit, spend that time talking about each others expectations, boundries, house rules and come up with an agreement.  Is this going to be more of a friend helping a friend out of a bad situation or are you both looking into a relationship?  Either way, baby steps into this or someone will be finding themselves running like hell within weeks.
 
Good luck to you both :)
 
pj



Vanatru -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 12:03:12 PM)

ok, good on the background check, what are her lifestyle refs? As long as she doesn't move in, it's not hard to get her out. Make sure you're sure once you cross that line. and best of luck.



MercTech -> RE: Advice on a first 24/7 visit... (11/14/2007 3:38:09 PM)

Vanatru,
She was described by one lifestyle reference as "An exhibitionistic little play slut and very compliant with doing any chores set."

Stefan



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