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stella41b -> RE: Do you ever regret...? (11/16/2007 4:17:52 AM)
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No regrets whatsoever. I am who I am. My whole life so far has been a series of experiments, discoveries, failures, mistakes, illusions, delusions, rude awakenings, challenges, difficulties, problems, and so on.
I'm a TS female and I grew up being in the wrong body and gender in a hostile family environment in the North of England. When my gender issues surfaced at the age of 13 my parents rejected me and I've got through nearly thirty years of emotional blackmail aimed at suppressing me - the real me - and keeping me 'normal'. But never in this time did I challenge that emotional blackmail. I found my spiritual beliefs at the age of 17 and entered the BDSM community at the age of 18 in London, then as a 'trannie'. I spent much of my life living a double life until some years ago when I couldn't continue living as such and after a couple of suicide attempts I started to live as a female.
I've spent much of my life never really know who I was, many years in a 'double life' with a constant conflict of choices, decisions, often out of touch with reality and misunderstanding the people and situations around me, but I have always looked, searched, questioned, and learned. I have always had good intentions towards people, other people, even when it meant working against myself. I've worked to achieve what I wanted to achieve, and I have managed to achieve much, and the two predominant themes in my life have been BDSM and my work in theatre (I write and direct plays). All else has been secondary and I have lived a life which has been completely different to most other people. I have some outstanding successes, and they are seen against a background of failures, losses, and things that I maybe should have done, but didn't. But I don't feel that my life is much different to most other people. I may live differently, but I experience the same things as everyone else.
I'm in the third of three very difficult years, I recently discovered that I no longer have parents who are alive, and I feel genuine sorrow that my parents couldn't find the happiness in life they wanted, but I also feel a sense of relief and release - I'm free. The caterpillar is no more, I am still a chrysalis, but know that I will one day become a butterfly, and as we all know butterflies don't live very long. This is how I see myself, and I know that life is too short for regrets and bitterness.
I look back and see the way my life has been and I know that it could not have been lived any other way, and therefore I don't feel any regrets. I have no need. The remainder of my family has come back into my life, those who are most supportive of me live in Canada, and I now have a new Domme in Canada who is waiting for me to complete my transition so that I can become who I've always felt myself to be - a female slave. At the moment I'm still in London (I'm British) and have recently managed to overcome many of my issues holding me back, my consultants have given me the green light to go all the way to surgery, and while I still have much work to do and still have to wait for many things in life I know I'm heading in the right direction.
The saddest thing I feel you can say about your life is that it's unfulfilled and that you have regrets.
The past is gone, as is yesterday, and exists either to reassure you, teach you or even give you something to laugh about. The future looks good, but only from my perspective where I am today, tomorrow is still undecided, so therefore all I know is who I am today and what I'm doing today. Tomorrow it could be different.
Be yourself, be who you really are, and share yourself with others.
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