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RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 8:35:29 PM

DiurnalVampire

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From: Nashville, TN
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Finding that someone is not easy. Chemistry is hard to find, regardless of the numbers. I have been active in the lifestyle for a long time and I hve had various slaves and subissives over the years, but Angel was my first collar. That was just over a year ago. Fox is only my second in all that time.

I find it very easy to find playmates, and very difficult to find commitments and serious interest. I am sure most people on both ends of the spectrum find that. Depending on what you are looking for, and how picky you are in that search, you might have no problem finding it in an abundance.

DV

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RE: Which is harder? - 11/15/2007 8:45:00 PM

manofdesign

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So I looked up some local statistics on a BDSM personals site (name hold to protect the guilty) and below are the numbers. Note that I removed switches from the data because you can't really catagorize one as a dom or submissive, and I only used "active accounts/profiles"

Male bottoms = 95
Male Tops = 249 (Hmmm pretty big number here)
Female bottoms = 137
Female tops = 20 (pretty tiny number)

So from the below numbers, there are 2 male tops for ever female bottom and there are 4ish male submissives for every female top. Looks like tops got the advantage (though isn't that the way it is susposed to be? *grin*).

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RE: Which is harder? - 11/16/2007 3:05:30 AM

TotalState

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quote:

ORIGINAL: manofdesign

Male Tops = 249 (Hmmm pretty big number here)

I think this statistic is skewed because of two things:

1. the HNG factor. There's a *ton* of men simply looking for some sex, and they figure getting their hand on a submissive is the easiest way to get it. They most often turn out to be quite vanilla, and not in the least interested in dominating someone.

2. A top is just that, someone who takes the active role in bed. A top does not a dominant make.

In the (very small) BDSM community I belong to, the dominant men are rarest by far, and the submissive men most common. However, dominant men tend to be very vocal and you'll see them congregating on websites such as this one quite a lot, further skewing the online statistic.

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RE: Which is harder? - 11/16/2007 4:34:43 AM

stella41b

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Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

Finding that someone is not easy. Chemistry is hard to find, regardless of the numbers. I have been active in the lifestyle for a long time and I hve had various slaves and subissives over the years, but Angel was my first collar. That was just over a year ago. Fox is only my second in all that time.

I find it very easy to find playmates, and very difficult to find commitments and serious interest. I am sure most people on both ends of the spectrum find that. Depending on what you are looking for, and how picky you are in that search, you might have no problem finding it in an abundance.

DV

I agree with this 100%. I've been in and out of the lifestyle since the age of 18, I've served some truly wonderful Dommes, some of whom are still friends and yet I'm only just starting out a relationship with the one and only Domme who calls me 'slave' and who I allow her to openly regard me as a slave, and therefore I'm working towards my first - and only - collar. I don't do vanilla and I'm not into casual play.

Sure, statistics are statistics, and the proportions between men and women and whether they are dominant or submissive or switch can be seen as a statement of society and culture as the proportions can vary from country to country. But it's also about chemistry and finding the right person for the right relationship.

I've never had a problem finding a Domme, my problem has always been finding the right Domme.

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RE: Which is harder? - 11/16/2007 6:16:48 AM

dawntreader

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Joined: 11/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

This is a thought that has been running around in my head for a while and I would like to just toss it out there and see what happens.
I'm a dominant guy. I’ve owned women for over two decades now. I have talked to many submissive/slave women over the years. I've been on CM in some form or another for five years. I also interact within my local BDSM community when time allows. So I've been around the block a few times.

We all hear how tough it can be for men to find a submissive on this site, the numbers are against you, fake profiles, game players yadda yadda yadda. Now I can think of about 50 trillion reasons that this is the case but that’s not what’s on my mind.
Instead I want to flip it.

One of the recurring comments I hear from women, both here and in real life is how tough it is to find a real good dominant. That is one who is not insane, just out to get some kinky sex, experienced, truly dominant and not just playing dom guy, the gamut of the usual things. The consistent theme is that the good men get snatched up quickly leaving the dregs out there for the taking. More than one has suggested that its tougher for a woman to find a good dominant than it is for a man to find a good submissive/slave. So this is my question, is this true? Do you think it’s tougher for a slave/submissive to find a worthy master than it is for a Master to find a good slave?

Kana ,
As this is a topic you and i have discused a bit, it is nice to see you put it out for the community, the answers have been interesting~
i have come to believe wholeheartedly it is about the energy and intent i personally emanate. i also believe that my higher self has my best interest in mind even when i don't.
Do i always get what i want? No, but i have always recieved what i need and up to this point, my experiences have all been growth experiences - the benefits undeniable.
i have not found "the One" and perhaps i won't...it is no longer my focus of intent. i have found many and as i reflect on those relationships, i don't regret any of them.
Timeing is a huge factor in relation to what i personally can allow in my life...sometimes i forget that in my superficial needs for touch, sex and submissive experiences. And yet, those "needs" get met more often than not and when i recognise that as opposed to being overly focused on the ellusive "One and Only", i realize i have beaten the odds and have a very fulfilling life in ALL facets.
When i focus on gratitude and abundance, i spend less time fretting about what i do not have and i find peace in that i have a very beautiful life~

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RE: Which is harder? - 11/16/2007 7:42:41 AM

subtee

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There certainly are a number of Doms/Masters who have more than one sub/slave.
Maybe it’s harder for some of us--both Dom and sub--to find the all-inclusive relationship when we are not willing to settle for less than that?

I think there are many, many not as yet “snatched up” good and worthy Doms on CM. However, geographical distance is a frustration, if not a barrier, for many. I know it’s been shown to not be insurmountable, but I think too it can be pretty discouraging, especially with some amount of vanilla interest where one lives. It seems to me often there is endemic in the scenario the unwillingness to exert the extra time and effort perhaps required from a LDR. Patience can be an issue as well; I’ve heard it said that patience is sometimes not a characteristic that some subs/slaves have an abundance of. ~Smiles~

As I said, I don’t think the good and worthy men get snatched up; I think there are plenty here! My question is, are they being snatched or doing the snatching? I know it’s both of course, but I wonder about the dynamic for some subs/slaves to be less than aggressive in terms of contact or pursuit. This is being discussed in another thread just now. I also think the inboxes of many subs/slaves are full of aggression, much of it from “the dregs.” Sometimes this makes for easy weeding out, sometimes, it’s not as clear. I don’t know the nature of the messages Doms get from potential slaves/subs, but I do think the trolls and fakes muddy the waters for both sides.

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RE: Which is harder? - 11/16/2007 8:18:44 AM

Kana

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Thanks DT, you are one of the women over the years who has mentioned this subject.Its one of those thing I have thought about for a while.
I maybe should have put it in the general section but I wanted to see specifically what it felt like from the submissive side so i put it here.
And I agree with Tee, I think there are lots of good dominants here, but sometimes they get buried in the inbox with the dregs. C`est la vie, its the net, what can one do.It could be argued that patience is a trait many dominants don't have either,grins.I think it would be fairest to say that patience is an issue most humans strugle with. It was actually the other forum post that led to me posting this one.

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RE: Which is harder? - 11/16/2007 8:27:18 AM

interestedfemale

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Just a quick note here,
Master and i found each other by chance. First niether was of us were looking and both were in no way looking for a D/s relationship.
So by Our/our view....the best things happen when your not looking.
Master had given up on finding a submissve mate for life, i knew nothing about it. Our/our relationship in D/s happened naturally.......i have always been looking to fill that empty feeling not knowing what it was........Sir filled it.......and then asked if i wanted to read something about......when i did .......i was excited that i had found my nitch in life....
my point here, don't think your mate could just be in this lifestyle, we may be hiding at the supermarket, or the gas station..........lol
All good and complete relationships start with a wanting.......we all want to be loved in some way.......now comes the trust and compatiblity.......then the rest follows naturally.
numbers, stats....and so on, are just that,someone elses views.......look at the hearts and needs
good luck to all wanting
cricket

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RE: Which is harder? - 11/16/2007 8:26:01 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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To the OP..which is harder??...It is always harder when it is yourself in that equation....Tempting

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RE: Which is harder? - 11/16/2007 10:46:11 PM

hisdevotedtoy

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I think it is hard to find people that share your wants/needs in general. One person's dislike, is another person's treasure. So finding that person that shares your desires is difficult. i also think good people are hard to find period, in romantic relationships, and in friendships.

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