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Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/17/2007 12:08:42 AM

RaniusSuinar

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/12/2007
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Here's a bit of a question that i thought I would as being relatively new to the lifestyle at least in application, instead of studying online. Recently a mistress has staked claim to me, after many serious chats to understand we are both interested in a 24/7 lifestyle. Im not going into this with any expectations of sorts, but i was curious how often do doms and dommes and submissives or slaves persay fall for each other, and take thier relationship a step further, such as boyfriend or girlfriend or wife and husband? This is basically just a curious thought I had, as a mutual friend "accidently" let it spill that she thinks im the submissive she's truely wanted and to call the search off, and now as im all elated on joy and other feelins i just have little odd thoughts running around now, that im curious about.

Post #: 1

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/17/2007 12:37:43 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
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Dommes and their submissives have lots of roles at the same time. Otherwise they would be rather one-dimensional (and dull) human beings, don't you think?

My sub is also my partner, my lover, my best friend, my colleague and the father of our baby (due in March). He had all these roles 24/7. He did however start out as only my submissive. he was kindly given to me by a friend (one of the pro-dommes) who thought he would be perfect for me

.

Now, I really wouldn't like him to be my submissive and someone else's partner/lover!!

One would have thought that most Dommes and subs wear at least one other relationship hat - as genuine friends. If you don't like and respect eachother as (playful!) friends, what hope have you got of establishing any kind of deeper, loving D/s relationship?

Unless of course the relationship is Mistress and paying client, in which case either or both of you might choose to have no emotional connection whatsoever outside play time in the dungeon.

So, how often does D/s extend beyond the defined roles of "the Domme" and "the sub" into a multi-dimensional relationship? In real life - nearly always I would hope. BDSM in real life has an amazing aphrodisiac power!

In online role playing? Reading some of the things I read here, maybe almost never?

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 11/17/2007 12:41:45 AM >

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Post #: 2

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/17/2007 1:57:38 AM

CollegeConundrum

Posts: 322
Joined: 5/18/2005
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I concur.

The emotional connection with my lady is mandatory for me.

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Post #: 3

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/17/2007 5:37:59 AM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
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While some Dommes and subs prefer to keep the boyfriend/girlfriend thing out of it, most want to have both sides of the coin, including myself. I've fallen completely in love with Mistress and and She's fallen in love with me. I would give anything to have Her as my wife. While we have this "vanilla" type of relationship a majority of the time, She is my Mistress first and girlfriend second. She makes the rules and I happily obey Her. While we may have a "normal" bf/gf relationship 90% of the time, She is still my dominant 100% of the time, no matter the time or place. It's a little hard to explain unless you can see it firsthand. We can walk through the mall holding hands and kissing lightly on the lips one moment, the next I will happily drop to my knees at Her feet as She sits down to eat in the food court and eat from Her hand. It's an interesting dynamic and very fulfilling to me. I just need both sides to the equation. Make sense?

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Post #: 4

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/17/2007 6:14:47 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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These "how many?" questions always boggle me. How are we possibly to know such a thing?

At any rate, I can't imagine not having a close relationship with my submissive, whether they became a life partner or not.

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RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/17/2007 6:21:58 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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Fox is my slave, that involves a lot, it is hardly one dimensional or limited in scope.

However he is not my boyfriend and he will never be my husband even should that be legally possible. I see those roles as being too different from a DS dynamic.

But I'm strange (as is he) in this way of thinking.

Don't worry about what might be. Focus on creating and maintaining your dynamic. Be open to changes but expecting them I think is counterproductive and may only lead to disappointment.

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Post #: 6

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/17/2007 7:02:22 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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This is something I can answer. Like the OP I've recently been claimed by an older Mistress across the Atlantic in Canada (I'm in the UK), and I can reiterate what MsCfromMelbourne has written, it's a lot of roles in one.

I can explain how it is for me. I'm a TS female submissive, she's a lesbian Domme and Wiccan. It's online and it suits me fine, I'm entering the latter stages of my gender reassignment, and defining myself as female, lesbian and submissive I'm not quite ready for the 24/7 TPE relationship Mistress envisages.

My Mistress and I both have lived very difficult lives which are quite similar. She's attracted to me by the way I come across to others, as female, by the fact that I have power, which she needs and craves, and her perception of me as I will be after me transition is complete. The M/s relationship already exists, and has done right from the start. I am to work to become her mirror image - she's an inch taller than me, I'm to be slimmer, we will look similar (as much as possible), but she's the Mistress, I'm the female slave.

I get everything which is emotional from her in our relationship, she has my feelings, commitment, and submission. We don't do online sub dom stuff. At the moment I'm focussed on getting through my gender reassignment, developing resources, and relocating to Canada to be with her, which is supported by my family, who are aware of our relationship. I am to enter into her training real time towards the end of my transition, or whenever we get together. Shortly before my surgery I will be collared and after surgery the relationship will be complete.

I can still be sub to another woman but only in a service capacity and only where it benefits directly my relationship with Mistress, e.g. financially, hence I can be a maid, a domestic, a pro-sub but a proportion of my income from this goes to my Mistress. She has nothing against renting me out and intends to do so right through our relationship. However I'm also committed to fulfilling my potential through my work in theatre (I write, direct plays and run drama workshops) and working in my current charitable and voluntary capacity. I'm hoping to spend Christmas running theatre workshops for the street homeless and vulnerable in London. Whatever I do I serve, no matter whether it's Mistress, another Domme, or other people in general. Through this I am to provide the home and life that Mistress requires. However the only person I will ever serve emotionally or sexually as a female slave is Mistress, and the very moment I become my whole complete self through surgery is when I will be given all that I need in the relationship.

I'm motivated by the fact that Mistress is there and waiting, and also by the shared knowledge that this will be my only collar and will remain on my neck until death. The collar is just a collar, but it is a symbol of everything I've ever wanted in life since my early childhood.

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(in reply to RaniusSuinar)

Post #: 7

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/17/2007 7:18:41 AM

AFlyInYourWeb

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Joined: 8/30/2007
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IMHO, good, long-lasting D/s relationships tend to be romances that include the D/s element as part of a larger, richer and more complex relationship structure.

In my experience with FemDom, love between the partners may often have been expressed in decidedly UNconventional ways, but romantic love was still the foundation of the relationship. I was definitely a "junior partner" in many ways, but the relationship was still a genuine partnership.

And yes, in one instance, I was married to my Domina. In many ways, this was the deepest and most satisfying D/s relationship I've had...to date ;)

Good luck to you.

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Post #: 8

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/17/2007 8:39:11 AM

MsIncontrol

Posts: 261
Joined: 10/3/2007
Status: offline

My relationship may be different than many who choose to keep their submissive separate, but my submissive is my husband and our lives our intertwined. For us, we first met at a BDSM event in town. I knew I had to have him from the first moment I laid I on him and went into action. We really dated, I made him court me in both a traditional and non traditional way. We went out to vanilla things like dinner & movies but also to lifestyle events...but there was always the underlying D/s factor. He had to ask my permission to do things like masturbate and he started asking me permission for general things as well naturally. "Is it okay if I go out on Friday with the guys from work" etc. We started off playing in non-sexual ways like bondage and flogging as as our relationship progressed we became more intimate. In a vanilla sense he was my boyfriend to my family, my wedding date, my holiday party date etc. and me to his family as well.

Fast forward 8 1/2 years to today. First and foremost I am the head of the household, Mistress. I control all aspects of our household, all decision making has my final say and my expectations are to be met on a daily basis. To most of our vanilla friends and family we appear to be a couple very in love, my husband dotes on me and is very attentive. At some point or another every single one of my vanilla girlfriends, family members and co-workers have asked me how I trained him so well. I always say "with a whip and rope". They all laugh....if they only really knew.

We don't show up to family functions in leather and I don't make him kneel on the floor next to me while I am eating in public...but there are always subtle ways to still have D/s dynamic in public without it being obvious or causing discomfort for innocent bystanders. I will give you two examples of public play without it being overt. At a restaurant I may instruct my submissive what he will be eating, drinking and and he must ask my permission for refill and/or dessert etc. OR I may instruct him to make sure my needs our met just as he does at home. So if I need a refill he will say "Please bring the lady, another diet coke" so I don't have to.

At home, it is a different story, we have specific protocols, rituals and daily objectives to further our D/s relationship. There are certain things my submissive can get away with in public, but not in private. I may offer him a drink if I am in the kitchen....but he can never ask me for one, for instance.

The only moment in our relationship when I didn't make the decision and didn't have any clue was when he asked me to marry him. He wanted it to be a surprise and I am so happy he did. But when he asked it was soo funny....he first asked my permission to ask me a question...and he was so nervous...I was getting really scared...then he popped out the bling and I knew he what he was asking...it was really sweet.

Edited for poor grammar.

< Message edited by MsIncontrol -- 11/17/2007 8:42:39 AM >

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Post #: 9

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/17/2007 8:55:18 AM

RaniusSuinar

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline

Thanks for the input everyone, its pretty much answered my question especially the last post by MsIncontrol :D

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Post #: 10

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/17/2007 2:34:49 PM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

I LOVE how guys like this post questions like this...even though just the day before they post these types of questions they're still asking other women to DO stuff with them. Seriously, how does one consider themselves to "seriously" be persuing a relationship a specific relationship at that with a specific person when they're doing things like asking OTHER women to play with them?

When do you take posts like this serious to begin with? When it's still just online? After the first meet or maybe the second...does it take some chance or actual role filling to get THERE? Or is it just flipping a switch?

(in reply to RaniusSuinar)

Post #: 11

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/18/2007 10:23:17 AM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

BoiJen: Thou art sooooo impertinent!

Gawd I love ya!

lololol

TM

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Post #: 12

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/18/2007 12:42:37 PM

Shawn1066

Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

I am my Owner's slave first, and I am her boyfriend second. We do love one another deeply, and we choose to expand our relationship as such. That's not saying there isn't deep love and similar connections to people who just maintain a Domme/slave relationship...it's just how we choose to relate. Even as her boyfriend, I never have any illusions of who is in control in our relationship. What she says and does is what we do. She's gotten me to be quite slavish in vanilla public without even raising her voice or anything else of the like...and we are DISGUSTINGLY cute in vanilla company. It's adorable. :-p

*peers over the counter* I also have to play the role of housewife after I post this. Dishes and vacuuming need to be done, pronto. Then coffee needs to be started at 4:15. I will be on my knees, cup in hand, at about 4:35 to greet her at the front door when she gets back from work. :-D

(in reply to TexasMaam)

Post #: 13

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/18/2007 8:59:51 PM

Bloodrose88

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline

My Mistress and I have not been together long, but even so, we are not strictly "Mistress" and "sub" all the time. We are also friends; we decided we would like each other very much even if our friendship was purely vanilla. We laugh, and have inside jokes. I am never not her submissive, but more often than not, you would think us merely friends.
There are romantic feelings starting to surface that we have discussed. One day, I will probably introduce her to vanilla friends as my girlfriend, but for now, she is my "close friend."
First and foremost, with D/s relationships, like any other relationships, honestly liking the person for who they are is key

(in reply to Shawn1066)

Post #: 14

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/19/2007 6:03:46 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

Miss TM...they guy openly asked MsK to play with him for a video...I got money he didn't inform the lady he's talkin to now. I check MsK's mail as it's my job. I got no problem busting a guys nuts over shit like this. I mean really...Ladies when do you get chances so obvious? And given the chance...wouldn't you?

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Post #: 15

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/19/2007 1:19:49 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Have to agree with boijen, there. I know I would. Mostly because those types of things make Me laugh.

The source aside, however, it is an interesting question. One that will get a lot of varied answers. It's still good input for those who might be wondering the same thing. Hence, I'm going to answer the original anyway.

Not all D/s relationships turn out to be "more". For example, My submissive will never be My partner. I already have one of those. For that matter, so does he. However, being poly, that gives Me a lot more options. My boy will never be My "boyfriend", but he does happen to be My friend, My companion, My shopping partner, a part of My family, and a lot of other things. Being all of this to Me, of course he means something to Me. If he didn't mean anything to Me, I would never have put My collar on his neck.

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Post #: 16

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/19/2007 2:42:02 PM

AliKat4444

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline

Hmm interesting topic here, it sounds like this guy was basically frenzying, and was just meeting people as fast as he could,met one he really liked, and the rest where just shucked to the curb, not a very nice thing to do, but he did say he was new, and Ive noticed on other sights people knew to the lifestyle don't always realize whats right or wrong, myself I'd have probably have explained to him thats not how things are done rather then busting him for it hehehe but im just a really nice person even when it bites me in the butt

but anyways onto the topic of the conversation as it is a pretty decent question, everything else besides.

I myself married my husband and have always been submissive, but never really knew how deep my submissiveness (sp?) ran even though I had done alot of online fantasy chats and plays with a friend of mine who understood me and accepted what I liked, and helped me to understand it was okay to want to really do this kinda thing in real life so I began searching a bit more and got my ducks in a line so to speak and then approached my husband about it, who was slightly caught off guard at first and a bit hesitant but after he talked with my friends and me more we went forward with it and have had a blast ever since it has brought us so much closer together as wife and husband, which this might not be how some are but, we have still kept our relationship wife and husband first and foremost and Master and submissive secondly. Just a bit of some thoughts on how my husband and I have became closer through the master, and submissive relationship.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: Mistress and Subs becoming more - 11/19/2007 2:44:09 PM

MystressDream

Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline

I am one who is wanting much more than the D/s relationship. I want a friend, companion, lover and slave all in one. He may not be out there, but I have tired of the casual play partner relationships. So, for me, yes...... it can be much more.

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Post #: 18

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