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RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 10:30:54 AM

MistressDoMe

Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
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DMFParadox great post, I see this sort of thing every day on t.v., especially talk shows.
I think if people stopped trying to fix others, we would not have so many stories of how
people were taken advantage of by those they were trying to help.
People have to want themselves, first and take personal responsibility for starting that process
internally before anyone can help them externally.

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 21

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 10:38:44 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDoMe

DMFParadox great post, I see this sort of thing every day on t.v., especially talk shows.
I think if people stopped trying to fix others, we would not have so many stories of how
people were taken advantage of by those they were trying to help.
People have to want themselves, first and take personal responsibility for starting that process
internally before anyone can help them externally.

You said it best and this is so true. if they are in a cycle of depression. They will drag you down with them run forest run lol but it is true

(in reply to MistressDoMe)

Post #: 22

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 10:40:51 AM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
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DMF, great new pic!! very sexy

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 23

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 10:43:52 AM

treehugger42

Posts: 29
Joined: 9/29/2007
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Why do these kinds of discussions always assume that the sub is the one who is emotionally unhealthy or needs some "fixing", and that the dom is always going to be in a position to do that?

Personally, in my first D/s relationship, I was perhaps a bit overly needy (like a lot of new subs) and suffered from some mild depression, but it was my partner who was insecure, had low-self-esteem, was constantly down on himself, etc. If anyone needed some "fixing", he did, and it was a therapist that needed to be the one doing it. I couldn't do much but reassure him that I loved him and would be there for him. I think a similar schema would apply if the situation were reversed. A D/s relationship is just like any other one, involving two flawed people, neither of whom necessarily knows what's "best" for the other one on a grand scale.

Choosing relationships that help you both to be more awesome people is one (excellent) thing, thinking you can "fix" someone just because you're in a power exchange relationship is just pretentious.

(in reply to MistressDoMe)

Post #: 24

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 11:04:28 AM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
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it is percieved that way because to be considered Dominant, is to have your shit together. (not be an emotional mess.) like the saying goes" If you cannot Master yourself, how can you Master somebody else?"

In some ways it seems to be a sort of fetish. changing someone to suit your purposes/lifestyle

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to treehugger42)

Post #: 25

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 11:17:19 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet

Within a new relationship, some remodeling may be in order.

No one however, desires a money pit.

Lmao....i can agree on this one.

_____________________________

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(in reply to chiaThePet)

Post #: 26

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 11:23:37 AM

Sinergy

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Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

i would not get into a relationship with someone who wanted to fix me or who needed to be fixed...that is not what relationships are for me, power exchange or not...that is what therapists are for...

I tend to agree with this. I am her Dominant, not her therapist. Further, from the standpoint of dysfunctional relationships, there are certain individuals that either look for people to fix them, or look for people to fix, where the goal is not to be fixed. These individuals derive whatever they need from the fact that the person is broken, and if the person does end up getting fixed, the system of their relationship will not allow the relationship to last.

Just me, could be wrong, but there ya go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
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"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 27

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 11:31:33 AM

domiguy

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Everyone needs some advice from time to time....If you is broken...You will remain broken...Don't have the time, energy nor would I experience the slightest compunction in not offering to help those who are unwilling or unable to help themselves...There are things that come up that you will assist someone or offer advice to help someone along their path....If they can't even see the path...Then fuck'em...I'z got better things to do with my time.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 11/18/2007 11:36:43 AM >

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Post #: 28

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 11:42:28 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I like to be in relationships with people who help me be a better me. Whether the relationship is M/s or friendship it does not matter. I am unlikely to put in the effort to maintain a friendship with someone who does not do that or who has a negative impact on me being a better person. Also, what they do to help does not necessarily have to be active and conscious.

I do not expect people to fix me or make me whole. I expect to do whatever work is needed to fix me or make me whole Knight's Kyra

I agree with this. Every intimate relationship should be supportive of changes someone is making in their life. Every person should be working on making changes in their life, Dom, sub, slave, etc., we all have things to work on whether it be something as simple as exercising more or more difficult such as dealing with past trauma.

You cannot "fix" another person. Only they can do that. To attempt to become the one that makes them happy or makes them do the things they need to do in life you are attempting both the impossible, as that is their work to do and putting an unrealistic pressure on your relationship. Additionally if it's something psychological, you can very well make it worse, that is what therapists are for. You can however, listen and understand why they do the things that they do and support them to make the changes that they are working on.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 29

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 11:59:36 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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I muchly agree with Kyra and say that I also tend to be a magnet for novices in my relationships- perhaps it's the teacher archetype mixed with the patience and openness, so while I don't FIX those people, I often end up very specifically working with them to become better in some ways.

I'll also tend to pick novices on forums like this where I see some potential and press hard on them, because I think I see a much greater potential in them. These are usually the ones who really hate me at first and then love me later :) It's extremely arrogant of me I know.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 30

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 12:07:40 PM

Sinergy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I muchly agree with Kyra and say that I also tend to be a magnet for novices in my relationships- perhaps it's the teacher archetype mixed with the patience and openness, so while I don't FIX those people, I often end up very specifically working with them to become better in some ways.

I view this as teaching, which is something I have done my entire life. There is a vast difference between that and seeking out ones who are broken who need to be fixed.

In terms of instructions, I am very clear about what I expect and want. On the other hand, one of the things I dislike doing is micromanaging. An example of what I mean would be Captain Jean Luc Picard of STTNG who would ask if the ship could do something, and when told that it might be possible, he would reply "Make it so." I really dont need to know the details of how it gets done, it is the finished product I am interested in.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 31

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 12:39:58 PM

Cyntilating

Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
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{How many of you enjoy the aspect of domination that includes "fixing" a sub/slave with bad habits or emotional baggage, and how far will you go? Where do you draw the line? }

Putting this in the context of any relationship I am involved in>> I learned ( the hard way ) that I cannot change or fix another person. The only thing I can change is how I react to them and how I let them effect me.

I wouldn't change that basic premise going into a Ds relationship, no matter whether my role is one of dominant or one of submissive.

Am I willing ( and eager) to grow? learn? become stronger? better myself through guidance and advice? absolutely, I am open to all of that.. and would actually want to be with someone who shared the same goals for themselves as well as for both of us together.

edited to add:

..realizing that with the dominant role comes guidance and a certain amt of need to direct and change certain things>> making ones desires and wants clear and understood what will please or displease > I don't see the same as changing another persons basic person or character traits..

personal growth and encouraging the submissive to be the best she can be or become is an important part of the dominants role...but I also don't see that as "fixing".

"fixing" to me says > I knew this was unacceptable to me, but I figured I would get into the relationship and then change that part about the other person.

< Message edited by Cyntilating -- 11/18/2007 1:00:10 PM >

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 32

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 12:48:03 PM

krikket

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Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
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i'm not sure i'd use the term "fixing", but instead the terms "enhancing and/or enriching" are probably closer to what i'd love to find one day, and i believe it should be a two way street.

It's been so many years since i've been involved in a D/s relationship that there are lots of times i wonder if it's even possible anymore, and i'm not sure what the future holds any longer. Alone? perhaps (probably?), and although that's not necessarily a bad thing, its sure not what i'd thought about when i used to think about the future.

Way back, when i first began exploring the submissive side of me, i was a with a "dom" who wanted to fix me. i asked him once if, when he was done with the fixing, would he like the "new" me. He told me the words i've come to hate.."trust me"..lol. i liked the term "remodeling"..lol.. and that may well describe what i need, heck..just someone who loves me as i am and cares enough to want me to be the best submissive, woman, person i can be would be lovely.

As for "the line between becoming the person that pleases your Dom/me and maintaining your own values?" i'd have to say that no matter what changes i might make, what things i'd learn to do to please my Dom, my own values won't ever change. They're a huge part of where i've been, what i am, and where i hope to go.

Thanks for the thread. i'm enjoying everyone's responses.

cheers,
jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 33

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 4:35:22 PM

Tigrita

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Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
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So you pass over more healthy self-sufficient people in favor of ones who are less so? People I've known like this have a lot of insecurity and needyness, they seem to need to be needed, and need someone who will be dependent on and indebted to them. Not saying this is you, just giving my experience for the masses who might read this, that a fixer or rescuer is not necessarily healthy for either.

And another point, what happens if and when a rescuer succeeds in 'fixing' her and she becomes less needy and more self-sufficient? Does she become boring and get discarded? I've seen this too, it seems a tendency in my experience. Either that or she leaves him because she doesn't need the co-dependence any more. His fear of that can lead to him subconsciously encouraging her dependence, rather than genuinely being productive about whatever issues she might have. Just givng my own experiences here, don't mean to offend anyone.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 34

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 4:54:15 PM

AFlyInYourWeb

Posts: 284
Joined: 8/30/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

As sub/slave where is the line between becoming the person that pleases your Dom/me and maintaining your own values?

That question addresses the reason I like to exercise a lot of care about the Domina to whom I submit in the first place. Part of the criteria for me includes that she have the same general values as I do. Another part of it is taking the time to know that she is a caring person in general, and cares about me in particular.

Someone that meets the parameters listed above probably isn't asking me to eat chicken instead of burgers just because of her personal prejudices. Her motive for doing so is probably consistent with my best interests, no matter how much I may like burgers.

Someone with the same general value system and moral compass that I have isn't going to ask me to break what I consider generally positive habits, nor likely to try to instill what I personally consider negative habits.

So, it's not about what is being "fixed"; it's all about my personal faith in the Domina who wants to do the "fixing".

< Message edited by AFlyInYourWeb -- 11/18/2007 4:55:38 PM >

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(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 35

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 5:00:44 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
I do not expect people to fix me or make me whole. I expect to do whatever work is needed to fix me or make me whole

I totally agree with this. In our relationship, Master can't "fix" me but He inspires me to want to fix myself and stay "fixed."

Much as you said, Kyra, I accomplished much of this "fixing" before I became His. He helped me to do further repairs and inspires me to never want to go back to being "broken" again. I disagree with what someone wrote about needing a therapist though. I've come through childhood sexual abuse, an abusive marriage, incarceration and hard drug addiction without ever sitting foot into a therapy session. Spirituality, the love of wonderful friends and family, and the desire to live a clean, better life worked for me. Once I'd gotten pretty much where I hoped and needed to be, then Master came along and just added the icing to the cake. I admire, respect and love HIM enough to never go back to my old, "broken" ways................luci

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(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 36

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 6:50:28 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
I do not expect people to fix me or make me whole. I expect to do whatever work is needed to fix me or make me whole

I totally agree with this. In our relationship, Master can't "fix" me but He inspires me to want to fix myself and stay "fixed." Much as you said, Kyra, I accomplished much of this "fixing" before I became His. He helped me to do further repairs and inspires me to never want to go back to being "broken" again. I disagree with what someone wrote about needing a therapist though. I've come through childhood sexual abuse, an abusive marriage, incarceration and hard drug addiction without ever sitting foot into a therapy session. Spirituality, the love of wonderful friends and family, and the desire to live a clean, better life worked for me. Once I'd gotten pretty much where I hoped and needed to be, then Master came along and just added the icing to the cake. I admire, respect and love HIM enough to never go back to my old, "broken" ways................luci

If you are referring to me referring to therapists (I believe others did as well), I don't think anyone is saying you HAVE to have a therapist to get well, but that a Dom/me shouldn't attempt to BE a therapist when they are not. I'm happy you were able to do it alone, I wasn't and I'm thankful I found a good therapist. I would never want to have sex with my therapist though

. That was my point, and I believe others as well (well maybe not the sex thing, but the split in the types of roles therapists and partners play).

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 11/18/2007 6:56:31 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 37

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 7:31:38 PM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLynx

DMF, great new pic!! very sexy

Thanks. ^_^

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bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

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(in reply to LadyLynx)

Post #: 38

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 7:35:03 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
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From: Charleston, WV
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I enjoy leading and guiding and helping someone grow in self awareness. However, I can only do this WITH the person, I cannot do it FOR the person. So, unless they're ready to surrender to what guidance I have to offer, they're not ready for the guidance. I offer. I stand. I wait. They will come to me as they are ready.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 39

RE: Fixer Uppers - 11/18/2007 7:51:43 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
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I'll also tend to pick novices on forums like this where I see some potential and press hard on them, because I think I see a much greater potential in them. These are usually the ones who really hate me at first and then love me later :) It's extremely arrogant of me I know.

Well now I am crushed!!.

...LA, you have never pressed hard on me..sniff..sniff..I must be potential lacking..~slinks away to pout~...

..Tempting

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I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 40

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