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Getting unstuck - 11/18/2007 4:41:19 PM   
masssub51


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/17/2007
Status: offline 		I have been stuck on one Dom for over 2yrs. All in my head which in my view is where the sex organs really do count. All my fantsies where of him I even had fantsies that were new and wonderful. I could see myself submitting to him somehow it felt sooooo natural. I wanted it with him. But, there were always things that got in the way. Recently we touch base via the net and doing what he asked was nice and felt good. However, I disrespected him and he told me not to ever contact him again. Anyway, How does one stop the fantsies from just popping into the head. When he told me not to contact him ever again it was like my whole world caved in. I was so hurt I cried like a baby all weekend long. That kind of pain really stinks. This question is for whoever wants to answer. But, I am a submissive. In your experience did it take another Dom to break the wall and stick to it?
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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/18/2007 4:47:00 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry, I got nothin......

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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/18/2007 5:36:37 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		Mm. No. It really sounds like it will take professional therapy. Don't involve another Dom in your emotions until you are better equipped to handle them. Trading one obsession for another isn't a solution.

(in reply to breatheasone)
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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/18/2007 6:20:33 PM   
liminalRapture


Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

Mm. No. It really sounds like it will take professional therapy. Don't involve another Dom in your emotions until you are better equipped to handle them. Trading one obsession for another isn't a solution.


OK, I'm a sub, so please excuse my posting in this forum, but I am really good at getting over heartbreak.

Intellectually I agree with batshaolm, but it has never worked in my experience.

First, I need to truly mourn what I've lost.  Truly.  And yes, tears absolutely happen and learning to let them happen was really important for me.  If I'm trying to protect myself, I build a little wall around my heart.  Not good.  Until I could really feel what I was avoiding, i.e. the pain, heartbreak, loneliness, all that crap, I couldn't truly be able to open up and be vulnerable with another man.  I've burst into tears in the park, in the train station, at sappy romantic comedies with a friend because I had to get over spending energy trying to 'stay strong.'

Then, I start dating, quickly.  Within a month.  You will have his imprint on your heart as long as he was the last person to touch you that deeply.

(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/18/2007 6:42:26 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with you to a point, Rapture, but the OP sounds a little too obsessed to me. She hasn't spoken with this guy in awhile, they hook up on the internet, he tells her to take a hike, and she cries all weekend? Mm ... not so good.

I recently experienced a shock of my own from a relationship of four years. Regardless of the pain I still lived my life, cried some but didn't let it rule my entire life, and didn't let myself obsess. I met someone who interests me on many levels, so I'm not saying that someone else can't come in and help soothe us; but in the OP's case (if it is as obsessive as it sounds) I think she needs to get some help or the past is doomed to repeat itself. When self-soothing only comes from starting / being in relationships with others, and when it means we derive our self-worth from others, it's a problem that needs solved from within.

(in reply to liminalRapture)
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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/18/2007 6:49:03 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		There is some information left out of the OP's message.  Did the OP meet this dom in real time or was this an online experience? 

If this was online, then after two years, one would want to attempt to meet each other face to face.  I am not one who can submit to a dom online because the real proof of a relationship is being with each other physically, and learning about this individual before even playing.

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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/18/2007 6:54:43 PM   
allcatsaregrey


Posts: 77
Joined: 11/2/2007
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I think it is important to strike a balance between needing to mourn a loss (in this case, a relationship - on some level) and focusing on healing.

It is fine for her to feel sad, and even cry like a baby all weekend. However, it would not be okay if she decided not to go to work/school/<insert obligation> for the next day or two.

She should allow herself time to mope, but she should be aware that this is in no way "the end of the world." Instead, she should use it as a learning experience (But don't ruminate!).

I do, however, reccomend counseling before getting back out there. Having someone listen to you, clarify your thoughts and offer insight and tools is invaluable. 

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(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/18/2007 6:54:44 PM   
secretagentgirl


Posts: 70
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline 		It's just like any relationship... it freakin' stinks and unfortunately time is the only real remedy.
But like the others have said, getting your mind off of it can help immensely, whether that is with meeting someone new for fun, or doing things that YOU enjoy and that make you a better and more interesting person.
I know it's hard to believe this right now, but if someone would treat you like that... they are NOT the perfect person for you.  There is somebody out there who will love you, respect you, and dominate you without making you miserable.  It may not happen overnight, but if you focus on making yourself enjoyable and interesting, it is more likely to happen faster.
Hang in there.  Being dumped by someone you love or are obessesed with is one of the worst pains of life.  But almost everyone goes through it at some point and comes out the other end fine.


(in reply to corsetgirl)
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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/18/2007 6:56:26 PM   
liminalRapture


Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline 		I agree batshalom on one level.  But I find, for myself, the internet brings out my melodrama.  Because of the anonymity, I might post what I feel in my darkest hours that I'd never let anyone else ever see! So I tend to assume others have melodrama that is far more under control and yet they still feel it in the corners of their souls even if they wouldn't let others know it irl.

(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/18/2007 7:03:35 PM   
MrSpectacular


Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		I think you got it correct it is all in your head - your online relationship is fine - but take it for what it is - it is not a real relationship.  To answer the question - the fantasies may not stop being in your head - but until you actually consummate something that is real you are not going to know if this is the life for you



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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/18/2007 7:45:57 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		How would you get over a romantic, vanilla relationship? It doesn't work any different here. Jumping from one relationship into another isn't the way to do it. Give it time. Deliberately don't fantasize about him...pick someone else rather benign like Brad Pitt or something. Give it more time. Come to terms with the fact it's over. Give it still more time.

Master Fire


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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/18/2007 10:32:29 PM   
MystressDream


Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

How would you get over a romantic, vanilla relationship? It doesn't work any different here. Jumping from one relationship into another isn't the way to do it. Give it time. Deliberately don't fantasize about him...pick someone else rather benign like Brad Pitt or something. Give it more time. Come to terms with the fact it's over. Give it still more time.

Master Fire



Excellent advice, MasterFireMaam.  The old saying, "Time heals all wounds" is true.  We can say "If it's online, it isn't real", but, I know of people who have fallen in love online.  Some of them have then met and are still in wonderful relationships.  Others met and found the chemistry and love they thought they had found didn't carry over to real life.  But, either way, they all had relationships on some level.   Time will take care of it.  I agree that you should avoid jumping into another relationship just to cope. 
 
Brad Pitt sounds good... <grin>  But, for me it would be Orlando Bloom.  <smile>
 
Spend time with good friends... people who love you and who you love.... and let time take it's course.

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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/19/2007 12:21:24 AM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		When you would rather deal in reality than fantasy is when you will be over him.

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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/24/2007 11:10:59 PM   
masssub51


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/17/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you for all your post. But, to set the record straight. Him and I did meet a few times for coffee and conversation. I fought every word, thought or demand that he dished out at first. Until I just wasn't able to fight it anymore. I would start to get over him and we would make contact again. He was like a sore that would start to heal and then bleed all over again. The very last time we met something wonderful happened which I won't even get into. And no it wasn't sex. I met another man and started dating him. Well low and behold he broke the wall and so I thought this is good FINALLY I am no longer stuck. I even emailed to let him know that I wasn't stuck on him anymore. Then the man that broke the wall for whatever reason didn't follow through.  He still has not answered my question as to why. And I don't believe he ever will.
All I know is that I like the kinky sex and that I want a real relationship. So far all I seem to get are the ones that want you to prove to them that your everything they need.  Well, dammit in my view a D/s relationship is just like a vanilla one the only difference is the sexual activities.
And yes, I cried all weekend long. Thank God for the tears I needed that. However, make no mistake he was not an obsession. This is something that evolved over a 2.5 yr. period off and on. I did date others heck I even got in relationships with others but, somehow he always had a piece of my heart. Not making excuses just stating the facts.
Again thank you for all of your comments.  

(in reply to Estring)
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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/24/2007 11:40:30 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		You even emailed him to tell him that you weren't stuck on him anymore? That seems very bizarre.
And why should the fact that the new guy disappeared change your not being stuck on the first guy?
You might be better off taking a bit of a rest.

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Boycott Whales!

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RE: Getting unstuck - 11/25/2007 11:36:31 AM   
masssub51


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/17/2007
Status: offline 		Yep, that's right I emailed him to let him know. He always felt like a friend. Anyway, enough of this I'm moving on.


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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Getting unstuck - 11/25/2007 12:11:06 PM   
charmdpetKeira


Posts: 916
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Anyway, How does one stop the fantsies from just popping into the head.


I find writing/typing them out helps get them out of my head.

When I was getting past the relationship I had with my first Dom, I had to remind myself of the parts of the relationship that did not work for me and how those parts had started to become harmful to me.

A relationship that ends does not mean it was not meant to be; only that it wasn’t meant to be the way you had hoped. As others have said, find the lessons, learn from them and move on.

Best wishes,

k

_____________________________

Life is tough, that does not mean it isn't fair.

There is no wrong choice, only consequence.

(in reply to masssub51)
Profile   Post #: 17
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