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Trying to learn and need advice - 11/19/2007 5:35:08 PM

Czesno

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline

Hello all,
I am in a loving marriage but we have one issue that constantly haunts us and at times has threatened to tear us apart. She has been into bdsm for a while and up until recently I was very insecure and closeminded about sex because of a past relationship. She wants me to learn more about the lifestyle but she says she doesnt know how to explain it to me or help me learn. I am trying to learn so I can understand her more. She has a "friend" that she "cheated" on me with, come to find out, this is all because of her bdsm lifestyle. She is a submissive and as I am discovering so am I, yet this friend of her is a dominate. While she admits there is alot I do that turn her on, and as of late our sex life has been getting better and better, she openly admits that there are things about this friend that turn her on in other ways that I wont understand because he's a dom and I do not know much about BDSM. She speaks of wanting to have an open relationship where she can experience her bdsm lifestyle and I have been thinking about it also because the idea of having a mistress turns me on., but admittedly I don't know where to start understanding or learning about the lifestyle. So if anyone can please give any advice or help I would gladly appreciate it.

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RE: Trying to learn and need advice - 11/19/2007 5:44:57 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

Your local community is the best place. There are also a good number of lifestyle books around like the Loving Dominant, The Ethical Slut, Different Loving (and Master Fire Ma'am just got her book published but I don't know the name of it). There are also online communities like this one from which you can gain practical advice and make some friends (hopefully a few in your area). Strap in, sit back, read here, ask questions. Really though, experience is the best teacher.

(in reply to Czesno)

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RE: Trying to learn and need advice - 11/19/2007 5:49:54 PM

SirJohnMandevill

Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Czesno

Hello all,
I am in a loving marriage but we have one issue that constantly haunts us and at times has threatened to tear us apart. She has been into bdsm for a while and up until recently I was very insecure and closeminded about sex because of a past relationship. She wants me to learn more about the lifestyle but she says she doesnt know how to explain it to me or help me learn. I am trying to learn so I can understand her more. She has a "friend" that she "cheated" on me with, come to find out, this is all because of her bdsm lifestyle. She is a submissive and as I am discovering so am I, yet this friend of her is a dominate. While she admits there is alot I do that turn her on, and as of late our sex life has been getting better and better, she openly admits that there are things about this friend that turn her on in other ways that I wont understand because he's a dom and I do not know much about BDSM. She speaks of wanting to have an open relationship where she can experience her bdsm lifestyle and I have been thinking about it also because the idea of having a mistress turns me on., but admittedly I don't know where to start understanding or learning about the lifestyle. So if anyone can please give any advice or help I would gladly appreciate it.

Dr. Phil I'm not, but I believe the most important thing is to ACCEPT what both of you are feeling. From my own experience and what I've read on these boards, many (or maybe all?) of us are born with whatever kinks we have; it's just a matter of when we act on them.

Don't feel badly that your wife needs a Dom. "Needs" is the key word. And if you want to explore your submissive side, perhaps her Dom can help find you someone to experiment with.

Les (Illegitimate son of Hugh Hefner and Betty Ford)

_____________________________

Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

(in reply to Czesno)

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RE: Trying to learn and need advice - 11/19/2007 5:50:27 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
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I think you've made a big step in being open minded enough to seek info. That is huge, and bodes well for all of you I think. I've heard a book recommended before, but I haven't read it myself... When Someone You Love is Kinky... or something like that. These boards right here are a pretty good place to learn what BDSM is all about to some degree. It is very different for different people, and there are all different experience levels and alternate opinions on everything and jerks and wannabes, and also very knowledgeable well-meaning people. Just stick around here, use common sense, contact people you respect as friends, look up people in your area and find out if there is a local community you can learn from...

And keep talking to your wife. Find out what it means to her to be submissive. Sounds like you're taking steps to get there, but it is hard to explain, and a very complicated situation, so just keep showing her she can trust you with her thoughts and feelings. Don't take it personally, just be there for her. There are a lot of people here who are married and have BDSM relationships outside the marriage and are very happy and fulfilled. It is possible, and it doesn't mean she loves you any less. And like you said, you can maybe explore new sides of yourself as well!

Wishing you all the best!

~ J

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to Czesno)

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RE: Trying to learn and need advice - 11/19/2007 6:40:15 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Your going to hear a bunch of people whine and snivel that you have to be "born dominant" (the correct spelling) but ignore them. Millions of men spend god knows how much on teenage and 20 something nitwit mistresses to "dominate" them. It doesn't take much to satisfy the casual itch of a married women who wants her loving spouse to dominate her. The skills are well within your capability to learn and I would argue the technical skills are almost unimportant as are the ability to give orders.

There are two things you need to learn that are not exactly BDSM related.

You need to learn that your wife really does want you to slap her face, hurt her or "force" her to spread her asshole open and have you spit into it and rape her" or whatever other goofy fantasy she has. It is a really hard thing to wrap your head around but she clearly wants "something" and you need to give yourself permission to do it to her.

The other thing is you need to learn to be vulnerable to each other. If you are afraid to tell the truth to each other you cannot communicate. This requires a lot of skills it doesn't sound like the two of you have yet. Again, anyone can learn them but they aren't easy at first. Each of you needs to learn to provide the other with a safe place to talk about dark stuff, insecurities, lusts, fantasies, whatever. Easier said than done. Say she talks to you about cheating. You are going to be feeling jealous, hurt, insecure, and in general freaked out. You need to not lash out, you might want to talk about those issues more, you might decide to leave her over one of them but the TONE of the conversation and the INTENT of the conversation should always be of two people who LOVE and CARE for each other.

Here's an example "gee honey, when you were cheating on me, did you practice safe sex?" is a constructive and supportive way to say "you fucking whore"! Then you can have a discussion about how to deal with the fact she had unprotected sex and again as loving caring partners who want to deal with and issue TOGETHER.

She also needs to take care of YOUR issues, you are going to feel insecure and jealous and she can't respond "if you were a real dom I wouldn't have cheated on you you wimp". She needs to own up she chickened out about talking to you and violated your trust and because she violated trust you have every right to feel insecure and to demand that she rebuild that trust in some way that works for you.

To me, learning to do these things were FAR more important in my growth as a dominant than ANYTHING else I have done. Providing a safe place for my partner to explore herself is the most "domly" thing I do I think and the one I had the most trouble learning. Tying someone down, learning to torture them in just the right way may make someone cum but if you want them to call you in the morning, make them feel safe emotionally and they are yours.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 11/19/2007 6:41:21 PM >

(in reply to Tigrita)

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RE: Trying to learn and need advice - 11/19/2007 6:45:03 PM

phedre81

Posts: 56
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

As a sub who has been in relationships where I was rejected b/c of this, I'm impressed that you're here, that you're doing your best to learn!

You've gotten some good advice here, already, I think--far better than anything I could add (though, in response to the post above mine, I'd also like to say that there's no reason YOU have to dominate your wife, if you are comfortable wit her--or both of you--searching out someone else who will).

Keeping communication open will no doubt be the best thing.

Welcome to the community!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

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RE: Trying to learn and need advice - 11/19/2007 7:13:04 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

I am very impressed that you want to learn and that you and your wife can discuss these issues. I went through something similar and was very relieved when Hubby forgave me for seeking a dom outside our marriage and He has since learned to be my Dom. I hope the two of you can work things out to satisfy both your needs and desires.

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RE: Trying to learn and need advice - 11/19/2007 10:29:42 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

The first thing you have to consider is: are you truly poly at heart. If you're not, trying to force yourself to be will never work. BUT, if you feel that you could do it, provided your (very normal) fears of being replaced and such will be addressed, consider it. DO set up a limit of always knowing who she's with...doing it behind your back will tear the relationship apart, poly or not.

As others have said, get out into your local community...and go together. Read. There's some great books in my signature. Practice. Enjoy. Repeat.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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BDSM How-To Books

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RE: Trying to learn and need advice - 11/19/2007 10:31:56 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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I take back what I said....this is what I meant! Excellent advice, SimplyMichael. Thanks for sharing.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

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RE: Trying to learn and need advice - 11/20/2007 12:27:06 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

Your local community is the best place.

I vehemently disagree. Certainly there's value in learning from the local community, but not at this stage. It sounds like there are a few issues within the marriage that need to be addressed first.

Czesno,

It sounds like you're in for a rocky road. I think the first few steps need to be with your wife. Opening the flood gates to polyarmorous relationships (another way of saying 'open' relationships) can be a disaster if you haven't established a genuinely firm, open, and trusting relationship with her. Ask yourself how you'd feel if you came home one day, and she's out on a date with him. The first time she doesn't come home until the next morning. Or she tells you she's pregnant - by the other man. These don't have to be part of your life, but they're questions you should have talked about with your partner (and she you) before they happen. With this in mind, here's some advice.

Talk to your wife. Sounds obvious, but this is usually the first thing to get run roughshod over. If you and your partner don't take the time to sit down, several times over the course of the next few weeks, you can reasonably expect disaster to come. Tell her exactly how you feel and why. Ask how she feels and why. Does it bother you if she's with someone else? Would it bother her if you were with someone else? Do you have to 'play' separately? Would either of you be more comfortable doing this together? How do you feel about her infidelity? Is it something that's going to eat at you? Do you have to leap into this right now or can you take a few months and explore what BDSM and D/s means to you both? How about trying roleplay between the two of you i.e. her trying to dominate you, you trying to dominate her (in the bedroom for starters, and for example.) Exploring how you two really feel about things before you start seeking others is vital.

Sending your wife out to play with men you don't know, when you're not sure how you feel and she's not sure how she feels could end up with her forming a much stronger emotional attachment to the other guy than either of you bargained for. Once that carton of milk is spilled, there's no way of putting it back.

Stephan

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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to batshalom)

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RE: Trying to learn and need advice - 11/20/2007 12:42:19 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Czesno

Hello all,
I am in a loving marriage but we have one issue that constantly haunts us and at times has threatened to tear us apart. She has been into bdsm for a while and up until recently I was very insecure and closeminded about sex because of a past relationship. She wants me to learn more about the lifestyle but she says she doesnt know how to explain it to me or help me learn. I am trying to learn so I can understand her more. She has a "friend" that she "cheated" on me with, come to find out, this is all because of her bdsm lifestyle. She is a submissive and as I am discovering so am I, yet this friend of her is a dominate. While she admits there is alot I do that turn her on, and as of late our sex life has been getting better and better, she openly admits that there are things about this friend that turn her on in other ways that I wont understand because he's a dom and I do not know much about BDSM. She speaks of wanting to have an open relationship where she can experience her bdsm lifestyle and I have been thinking about it also because the idea of having a mistress turns me on., but admittedly I don't know where to start understanding or learning about the lifestyle. So if anyone can please give any advice or help I would gladly appreciate it.

I highly suggest reading "When Someone You Love is Kinky" and do a lot of talking with your wife. SimplyMichael gave you some great advice as well. When you feel comfortable, you can see if your local scene is a good place for you to learn (this varies depending on location).

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Trying to learn and need advice - 11/20/2007 1:09:29 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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If you aren't in couple's therapy, I'd seek that out. You don't need someone that is kink friendly, just someone who realizes their job is to help you both discover what is best for you as a couple and as individuals. Until you have your foundation solid, any attempt to branch out is likely to only add unhelpful stress.

If you want to learn more about BDSM you can learn together by attending events or workshops and reading books -- I recommend Greenery Press myself as the publisher to begin with.

Once you have more knowledge and a good solid foundation to build from, you may want to try opening up your marriage but I recommend going very slowly.

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

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