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MaamJay -> RE: for mistresses who are also submissives/slaves (11/22/2007 7:42:13 AM)
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Hi annabelle ... I am one of those collared Mistresses [:)] so I am happy to respond. My situation is a little different in that I "discovered" bdsm through My Domme side first (Jay), though almost as soon as I did, I KNEW I wanted to experience it from the "other" side just as much! For a while I was a Domme with a sub looking for a Master ... now i am a sub/slave with a Master looking for a sub for My Domme side! On the occasions when both have been present and functional I have been in heaven! I definitely function best as a Duality, both operating simultaneously. I have absolutely no difficulty flowing from "yes Master" to "Please fetch that for Me pet". It's just feels like that's how it should be ... and like the poster who said about the perfect balance and more time, yes yes yes! That's how it has worked for Me ... when I have had both Dominant and sub partners. There have been times in the search for one or the other when I have cried out "If only I could be 100% satisfied just being ..." but the truth is, I can't. Fortunately Master knows and understands that fully, so despite Jay's recent disappointments, He is encouraging Her to pick Herself up, dust Herself off and continue!
So that's the background, let's look at your specific qns. It seems you have already crossed certain hurdles in terms of the poly/jealousy thing so that is really a potential major barrier overcome! In Our case (talking of Master and I as both Dominants) ... even if My sub was bisexual, Master doesn't really want sexual service from them. However, He does expect respect as Head of the Household and general domestic duties as appropriate. He and violet (my sub side) have worked out which duties she would be allowed to delegate to a sub via Jay ... and which she wouldn't! In Our recent time with a sub, that seemed to work well. Even though you wouldn't be 24/7 with the new sub, you still need to work out priorities with your Master ... if you are working with your sub and He calls you ... what should you do? How are sexual interactions to be handled? Where? When? How often? Are you allowed to cum as a Domme? Master and I talked through quite a lot of hypothetical scenarios so that We both had a clear understanding of what would work. For example, He stipulated no sex with My sub in the bed He and violet shares, so that was OK, just happened in the spare room in which she was sleeping. In terms of seeming "awkward" to a potential sub ... as long as they know the deal up front ... and sense that you and He have "got your act together" and worked it out so the sub doesn't become the meat in a Dominant sandwich, if they are then willing to go ahead, it shouldn't be a major impediment!
When Master and violet first got together, We thought that Jay and He would discuss things as equals, as co-Dominants. However, that never seemed entirely comfortable, so it wasn't very long before violet suggested that Jay and Her Dommly activities come under His overall control. That has worked much better for U/us ... not to say that will definitely be the case for you, just suggesting you talk about it with your Master. Given that you have been His slave for 2 years+ though, I suspect it might be your natural course.
Re the labelling thing ... well I don't see Myself as a switch either ... that implies a definite turning on and off of parts of Me that just doesn't happen. I wouldn't get too hung up on the labels though. To Me it depends a bit on whether you seek to have a sub only for play (in which case you might be best called a Top), or whether you do want to take more control over their lives in between times, in which case you are a Domme, Domina or Mistress. As you can tell, I deal with this mentally by considering I have 2 balanced and co-equal personas ... using separate names came about naturally as I had already selected Jay for My Domme side (the first to venture out) and have had a series of names for my sub side as i went through different Doms on the way to finding Master. He named me violet for my passionate love of all things purple :-) The names (and the caps/ no caps) are devices I use to help Me keep straight as to which one of me is doing the talking at that time (violet took over mid-sentence there LOL!). Of course this is by no means mandatory ... just passing on what has helped me and why! I don't lean to one side in real life ... here at collarme, I am primarily here as Jay seeking a sub, so My posts lean that way ... but I am about 50:50 in real. I think both sides of Me informs the other ... my sub side allows me to understand the vulnerability, and the motivations that drive a sub ... My Domme side definitely benefits from that. Similarly, My Domme side has helped my sub side understand why some things are asked of her ... and that's a benefit too.
Put it this way ... if your Master has been reactive to your interests as a sub ... and you don't see that as "unMasterly" then why should a sub see You reacting to their interests as "unMistressly"? I am very much the same, I have some things that are no go zones for Me ... but otherwise, where I take a sub, especially in early play sessions, may hinge as much on their interests and previous experience as on Mine! So I don't ask "So honey, what do you want Me to do?" Unless he is paying for your services as a pro-Domme, that's not going to be very effective, as you said! The way I explain it is this ... I want to know what you honestly think you will like and what you think you will dislike. Only then do I have the relevant information to plan a scene that will satisfy Me ... for I get MY pleasure from play in knowing that I took My sub where I wanted them to go. you can have a whole shopping list of things you want ... which ones you get and when will be entirely at My discretion! And there's to be no whingeing afterwards if you didn't get everything you were hoping for! My other motto is "leave em wanting more!" so that's very likely to be the case! I also point out that a lot of My pleasure is tied to the aftercare time, when that bond, that connection is throbbing between you. Subs (and some males are noted for this) that "turn off" their subby switch as soon as the scene is over and are dying to dash out the door to vanilla-world, severely rob Me of My pleasure and satisfaction, and this won't be tolerated.
The dating scene ... never easy ... I am sure you know all the usual precautions, coffee meets, safety calls etc. It's probably not a bad idea for your Master to meet them at the coffee meet as well, it is His job to protect His girl, even if she will be interacting in Dominant mode with the person in question. When I have played first time with a person, Master is generally in earshot or call distance, even though He is not much of a voyeur and doesn't really want to watch Me play as Jay too often. He likes to be nearby and may look in from time to time and make sure all is well. The sub knows upfront that this may happen ... it often seems to reassure them too! I've already answered the last questions :-)
All that remains is to wish you good luck! Depending on where you are, it may or may not be an easy search, but I hope you find a suitable sub to work with!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
Edited to add: A number of Mistresses I have met who also sub, seem to have an almost morbid fear of showing their sub sides in public, or even in front of their sub. They seem to think they will lose status or respect. That hasn't been My experience ... any of My subs who've watched Master spank violet (He is a BIG Man with BIG hands!) has been overcome with awe, and only concerned about saying "Please just spank me Yourself Mistress!" LOL! Others have really appreciated seeing and learning from violet's interactions with Master. Obviously you and your Master would need to discuss this, but don't write it off as something that is doomed to failure!
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