When she's married (Full Version)

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Aimtoplease101 -> When she's married (11/22/2007 12:44:34 AM)

You occassionally run across a Domme who reveals that she's married, but either has a partner who doesn't share her interests or who is dominant himself, and thus that she plays with subs with his consent. 

My question-- in your opinion, does the sub who is planning on spending some time with the married Domme have any ethical obligation to check out and confirm the "knowledge and consent" arrangement, or as a sub should he accept the Domme's statement and leave it at that?

Regards, ATP



MadameDahlia -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 1:37:30 AM)

[tongue in cheek]Yes! You should absolutely take her at face value. She is a Domme! Why would she lie? Claiming to be a Domme immediately means that she's completely honour bound and must tell the truth... except when she's trying out mindfucks. Because then it's expected and the honour code rules are null and void until said mindfuckery is done with.[/tongue in cheek]

Yeah. You should trust her... if you want some random bloke in your face a few weeks/months from then demanding to know why you're seeing an awful lot of his wife... while he's wielding a baseball bat, pipe wrench, tire iron or any other number of blunt, bashing instruments.



MissMagnolia -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 1:45:53 AM)

I know what you mean. Some Dommes would go nuts if you expressed doubt about her honesty. But if it's all above board, a phone call to the house where she and her husband live shouldn't be a problem.

I would never see a slave who refused to give me at least a home phone number for the same reason. If he won't, why won't he? There is a lot of bullshit flying around on both sides of the fence, unfortunately, and an honest and understanding Domme will recognise that.

Good luck.[:)]



QueenVamp -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 1:46:56 AM)

I hardly ever say anything in the forums, and I'm sure I'll be flamed as usual - but my answer comes from over 12 years experience and from the heart.

I'm married and my husband, while he has a dom personality, isn't involved in bdsm.  He just doesn't 'get it' psychologically.  We are pretty open with each other and sometimes he's around when my subs/slaves visit and other times he's not.  However I'm always honest on what I do.

I also have the strict rule that I don't sleep with my slaves.  This means, no sex what-so-ever.  This is reserved specifically for my husband and that's how I want it. 

So my advice to you would be to watch how she acts around you and her husband.  Does she hide you?  Does she introduce you to her husband and let you have 'small talk'?  Does she seem completely honest with all people involved?

And most of all, are you having sex with her?  If you are, there's a 50/50 chance her husband doesn't know... and would be really pissed if he found out.  I don't know how to advise you in this situation, except that personally I'd rather get a love relationship on the side than be tied down while her husband comes in with a baseball bat.  Bad Omen there!



slaveboyforyou -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 1:48:43 AM)

If someone is screwing around on their spouse, there are usually some tell-tale signs.  I try to take everyone at face value, and give them the benefit of the doubt.  But if there are several incidents that lead me to believe the person is being dishonest, I listen to my gut.  I don't think you have any ethical obligation to check out her story.  It's her marriage not yours.   



MissMagnolia -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 1:56:22 AM)

QueenVamp, why would you be flamed? I'm single and don't have sex with my slaves. There isn't anything wrong with that. It's a personal choice.



LadyPact -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 4:54:47 AM)

Speaking as a married Domme, there's one sure fire way to know it's all of the up and up.  For starters, I bring My husband along on all introductory meetings.  He sits right there along side Me during negotiations for play.  He accompanies Me to the public club where I do the majority of My first play sessions, and is usually somewhere to be found for subsequent meetings.  This isn't just to verify for the sub that he knows what's going on.  It's also a safety precaution.

Oh, but I actually don't give out My home phone number.  I usually supply both My cell phone number, as well as My husband's.  In fact, most male submissives get his number first.  (Again, safety.)  It's a long process for anyone BDSM related to get anywhere near My home.  Unless, of course, the arrangement has gotten to that point.  Only My collared submissive is permitted to join Us here where We live.



LaMistressa -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 6:37:41 AM)

My boyfriend is a Top, and so I play with submissives outside of our relationship. However, he meets any potential submissives and they meet him. I would be suspicious is I was approached by a married or attached person who wouldn't let me at least confirm the nature of their arrangement.




rubberpet -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 7:11:59 AM)

From a subby's point of view, I'd certainly check out the validity of her statement, but that's just because I'm a cautious individual.  If her hubby is OK with things and you offer to meet him just to run it by him, not only are you covering your own ass, it shows you respect him enough not to step on his toes.  Explain to the domme that you have concerns and it's not that you think she is trying to pull a fast one.  It's a safety concern because a jealous spouse with no knowledge of anything could possibly go psycho while you are strapped up on an X-frame.  If she gets offended by your request and says you should just trust her because she is a domme, she is most likely hiding something.  If she's understanding, she'll be cool with your request to just do a meet and greet.  All you have to do is meet him once to see if he's OK with you hanging out with her.  Just be careful, in my opinion.  Remember...CYA!!!  Cover Your Ass!



QueenVamp -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 7:43:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

QueenVamp, why would you be flamed? I'm single and don't have sex with my slaves. There isn't anything wrong with that. It's a personal choice.


I just usually am flammed no matter what I post.  Some people like being the 'head dogs' in the forums. 

I am also like LadyPact where I don't give out my home number.  I used to but then regretted it when I received repeated calls at bad times by people I found out later that I didn't want anything to do with.  I do give out my cell phone number as I can always screen my calls or turn it off.



ItalianSMistress -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 7:49:59 AM)

Everyone has a different home life situation.   So you have to take that into account when deciding what is legit and what is not.  For instance, I have My sons father that stays with Me.  He is not in the lifestyle (which is a shame cuz I have never met a slave as well trained as him).  He takes care of My son, Me and My house very well, he is a perfect houseboy type.  We live with a dont ask, dont tell, on My end anyway.  The basics of it are this:  He knows I am gay but he would rather have Me anyway he can, than not at all, so he stays here and takes care of Me, and I do My own thing outside.  He does not butt his nose into My business, cuz if he does, he will get hurt.  He is loyal and caters to Me, so why would I not.  Now, with that said, My slaves have called the house when needed, I use to have a nice slave in TO that I would spend almost every weekend with, he knew damn well something was going on, but he would not dare ask what, cuz he does not want to know.  So, the bottom line is, even tho he may know something is going on, he does not wanna know what, and I make sure I protect him from that as much as possible, so I am careful that he is not going to walk in to find someone tied to My bed, but if I am going out for the night, he does not ask., as he does not want to know.  Anyway, My point really was that even tho I have a boy here, he does not care if I have another calling here or Me going out to see them, but he most def does not want to be confronted by them.



thetammyjo -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 7:53:08 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aimtoplease101

You occassionally run across a Domme who reveals that she's married, but either has a partner who doesn't share her interests or who is dominant himself, and thus that she plays with subs with his consent.

My question-- in your opinion, does the sub who is planning on spending some time with the married Domme have any ethical obligation to check out and confirm the "knowledge and consent" arrangement, or as a sub should he accept the Domme's statement and leave it at that?

Regards, ATP


If someone just accepted my word, I'd consider him a fool and I don't train or play with fools.

But it's not really an option because part of my pre-contract requirement is that any potential meet my existing family -- husband and slave both at this point. My slave first, because he is the most directly involved, then my husband. I trust both Tom and Fox to give me good feedback -- they don't like someone, that someone is a no-go for me.



littlesarbonn -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 9:10:02 AM)

When I begin to become involved with a woman, I don't really care about whether or not she is married, but I do care if there are any restrictions placed upon her by another relationship. That's why I'd probably not be involved in a relationship with a dominant who was married and had an understanding of no sex or anything of that nature involving her submissives. Granted, I'm not seeking sex, but it acts as a block to an "anything is possible" relationship with a dominant woman. I've been in too many situations where my mistress was married and they've worked out well because of very obvious communication with the husband so that there's never any problem. But I've also been involved in situations where the husband and wife have had a completely open sexual relationship, but when it came to her having a male slave, suddenly that open relationship translated to "it's okay for the guy to have sex with his female slaves, but I wasn't expecting her to have sex with her male slaves." Even when the communication is there, it's amazing how jealousy can rear its ugly head at very inappropriate times.

That's why I tend to be a lot more careful about being involved in such relationships. The only reason I was ever involved with married women in the past is that they were WONDERFUL women that I would never have avoided a relationship with. However, I've pushed myself out of potential relationships with women who I felt were in somewhat dysfunctional circumstances with husbands, even though they didn't believe themselves to be. I figure: Why get involved with such toxic situations?



BloodLuna -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 9:23:32 AM)

I am not married but my commitment to my owner is lifelong and we feel as committed as a marriage.  When we look for lovers whether individually or as a couple one of the first things we do after initial contact is give the potential lover/submissive the other's email, collarme profiles, and cell phone numbers.  If there is nothing to hide - there is nothing to hide.
 
Lady Luna



RumpusParable -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 1:19:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aimtoplease101
My question-- in your opinion, does the sub who is planning on spending some time with the married Domme have any ethical obligation to check out and confirm the "knowledge and consent" arrangement, or as a sub should he accept the Domme's statement and leave it at that?


I find checking up on another to be disrespectful be they dominant, submissive or vanilla.  I ask someone's status but that's it.  I expect the same respect. 

Now, as we go down the road of knowing one another, it's going to become clear if something isn't right. 

People who meet me meet my spouse when it occurs naturally:  he answers the phone, we all meet on the street, I have them over and he's there, we all go to the same party, and those sorts of things...  As we are honest with each other, there's nothing to hide and the friend (sub, dom, vanilla) is going to see and hear him around and vice versa.

Same in the opposite direction with the sub, in this case.  If they say they are married and their spouse is okay with things, then the same as with my husband is going to occur naturally just by life happening.

It's also going to become completely and totally transparent that things aren't okay with their spouse if they actually are not... including sometimes when they and their spouse *have* talked openly to one another.  Their talking about it together and thinking it's okay doesn't always mean it really is.



MistressTaboo -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 2:28:51 PM)

I'm married. My husband is my slave. He knows who I see and what I do. But for my own personal reasons I make sure he meets everyone I play. I want him to be involved even if it's the level of making sure the toys are ready and dinner was served...but most of the time he's there when I play. It makes it much easier on me if he gets along with the other subs...he's a pretty laid back guy so there have been times where I've been pissed at a sub and he played the go between! But the number one rule for me is that the sub respect and understand my husband is always going to be first. Disrespect him and you aren't long for this household.

On the other hand...I won't take on a married sub without the permission from his wife. I let her set the ground rules. But I've found that it's really hard to have a married sub...their time commitments to their family normally only makes them the occasional play toy. And honestly I would feel bad about taking them away from their family. Most men get so little time with their family as it is...asking them for 4 hrs a week or something is just hard.

I've heard the horror stories of the married domme and the husband not knowing...it's never a good thing.





MasterFireMaam -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 3:27:21 PM)

An ethical OBLIGATION? It depends on THEIR ethics. They may not care, or they may be happy to take her word for it.

Master Fire



MsIncontrol -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 3:51:01 PM)

I am married to my submissive and like MistressTaboo he is aware of each relationship and each person I am considering.  It is important to me that he get along with anyone I bring into our realm.  I am 100% open with him and even ask his opinion on new submissives..he may see something I haven't.  I have found there are a few things that will clearly let you know whether or not a married person has their partners consent.  Usually you can tell within a short period of time.

a) Are they available to talk to you at any time of the day.
b) Are they available to tall to you or meet you on the weekends and weekdays?
c) Do you have their cell phone or home phone number?
d) Have you spoken to or met their spouse?

Also, I would be very learly of anyone who sneaks around.  At the same token, I do not see or play with married men without their wives consent.  In fact, I usually choose not to, even with consent because it usually means I am not going to be served in the manner in which I choose.



TheInstrument -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 4:31:37 PM)

quote:


ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

If someone just accepted my word, I'd consider him a fool and I don't train or play with fools.


I like the way you turned that saying on it's head...hah.


Personally, I'm wondering what some of the larger implications of the OP's question are. Is there a reason they're being cautious, or is it simply for the sake of being thorough?



LotusSong -> RE: When she's married (11/22/2007 8:35:56 PM)

If the submissive is single.. why would he want a married Domme anyhow?  There is no future in it other than friedship.  You also run a risk of falling in love with someone you can't readly have..  Then you have a clash of male egos eventually.  Single to single..Married to married make a level playing field. JMO

I would be more concerned to ask about the spouse..is it a happy marriage? or are they  seeking a new partner.  I will not play with osmeone who is an unhappy marriage... a boring one maybe.. but an unhappy person.. no  



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