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RE: When she's married - 11/23/2007 1:13:00 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aimtoplease101

My question-- in your opinion, does the sub who is planning on spending some time with the married Domme have any ethical obligation to check out and confirm the "knowledge and consent" arrangement, or as a sub should he accept the Domme's statement and leave it at that?

Regards, ATP

Yes.

There are a number of BIG questions you should have for the husband before you jump into their marriage. Being the "third wheel" in a marriage is almost always a lose-lose-lose situation. You have an obligation to all three players to go into this with your eyes wide open.

1 There are two huge variables in every D/s encounter - sexuality and intimacy. What is he really consenting to? Non-sexual friendship with his wife? There's nothing wrong with being friends with married people and playing with one or both of them as well, as long as you can keep it "just friends".

The rest of this post assumes the Domme is going to be more than just friends.

2    What degree of sex is OK? None, nudity, her touching your genitals (eg CBT), you performing oral sex on her, you two going the whole way? Get that really clear with the other guy. The other couple might be swingers, in which case casual sex with you (and countless others) is no big deal. Take suitable health precautions

3    What degree of intimacy is OK? This is the giant sleeper issue. I had full consent from a vanilla wife once, and then she went beserk because her sub/husband fell in love with me. He sent me roses everyday at work, spent weekends with me instead of her and eventually left her to be my full time slave. And we were not lovers. He just loved being with me more than her and their kid. Never under-estimate the power of good D/s to destroy an existing marriage. Do you want that on your conscience?

4   WHY?????? You probably need to WHY he is consenting more than WHAT he is consenting to

Most married couples looking for an outsider are swingers in my experience (or "poly" as most swingers prefer to be known, although its not). You are a pawn in their sex games. You might be the "stud" for their cuckoldry fantasy. You might be the "clean up boy". I find these couples quite predatory, but you might like it.

Then there are the toxic marriages eg husband is screwing around, so he is giving his wife permission to do the same. Be careful: if you are too nice to the wife, she and the kids will land on your doorstep looking for their new breadwinner. You might be biting off more than you expect.

Then there are husbands who don't care who f*cks their wives. The marriage has disintegrated and they live separate lives. Your new Domme chooses to stay "married" to someone like that? That should be a red flag this isn't a very healthy situation.

Maybe they are a lovely poly couple that really want a guy in their marriage?? That usually only works in real life (in my experience anyway) if the husband is bisexual and the boy is serving both husband and wife as Dom and Domme or the threesome are really just friends that like S&M togetherr. Any other combination is inherently unstable I find

Get the facts and good luck!!

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Post #: 21

RE: When she's married - 11/23/2007 4:46:04 AM

PlayfulGoddess

Posts: 66
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aimtoplease101
You occassionally run across a Domme who reveals that she's married, but either has a partner who doesn't share her interests or who is dominant himself, and thus that she plays with subs with his consent.

My question-- in your opinion, does the sub who is planning on spending some time with the married Domme have any ethical obligation to check out and confirm the "knowledge and consent" arrangement, or as a sub should he accept the Domme's statement and leave it at that?

Regards, ATP

You can try to check out whatever you care to, but isn't her being upfront with announcing the fact that she is married in the first place seem to be a reasonable attempt to be dealing with the subbie on a level playing field?

I AM MARRIED, and I state that upfront and in my profile... My husband is not Dom, sub, switch, NOR involved in my play in any way.

I have tended to play with other married people as well--

However, if I choose (and subbie accepts) to play with someone who is SINGLE, where is the problem in that--as long as they have been made aware of the situation and the probable limitations that they would encounter?

I do NOT however give my phone number out (until I feel comfortable from meeting-in-person) and when I intend to meet someone new, I request a copy of their driver's license sent to my email addy in order to afford some semblance of safety for myself. I then meet in a public place and see how things go from there.

(in advance of that meeting, I've generally logged in a decent amount of instant messaging to see how our personalities mesh)

You can always run the risk of some big bruiser coming along and wanting to pound lumps on you, by why would you think that would ONLY come from a married woman, as compared to a woman with a jealous/controlling boyfriend/live-in lover?

Just MY thoughts on the situation...

< Message edited by PlayfulGoddess -- 11/23/2007 4:47:39 AM >

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RE: When she's married - 11/23/2007 4:56:06 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
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Just a thought - when you request a copy of their driver's license, do you also send them a copy of your own? Personally I think that's overkill for a first meet over coffee.

It always seems a little ridiculous to require others to do things for our own safety that we are not willing to do for them for their own sense of safety.

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Post #: 23

RE: When she's married - 11/23/2007 6:36:17 AM

PlayfulGoddess

Posts: 66
Joined: 11/9/2007
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No I don't send them a copy.

I tend to play with married males, many of whom I have no real way of checking out unless I was to be overt and call their household, show up at their jobsite, etc.

I kind of figure that even while I am tall, strong, and have some martial arts training, most men could easily over power if that was their intent to bring me harm. So, its just a security measure in case I come upon foul play and someone needs to investigate what happened to me. (also diminishing the "risk" of foul play based on the fact that they know someone has their "info")

I generally don't meet for coffee, but for a more intimate experience--dinner, dancing, etc (after having spent a prolonged period of time chatting via im...sometimes with the intention of "play" afterwards)

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Post #: 24

RE: When she's married - 11/23/2007 4:28:34 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia
I would never see a slave who refused to give me at least a home phone number for the same reason. If he won't, why won't he? There is a lot of bullshit flying around on both sides of the fence, unfortunately, and an honest and understanding Domme will recognise that.

Good luck.

if i had to live by this...i couldnt see anyone. i'm poly. my husband DOES know i see others, as i know his g/f. i know her, her kids, her mother. i know if i had an issue, i could pick up the phone, call her, and it would be fine. or if i had an emergency in the middle of the night on a night he was there, i could call him and it would not be a problem.

he isnt the same way. he knows about Daddy. he's MET Daddy. Daddy was gracious and charming and wolf was an ass. (his normal self) wolf's term for this was "you pushing him in my face".....but its ok and acceptable for his g/f and her children to be at our house, and i am not to be offended. i, however, am not accorded the same respect.

so for the sake of peace, i dont mention. *shrugs* not because i am cheating or lying, but because of the two standards of the household. i know, everyone is different.

kitten

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Post #: 25

RE: When she's married - 11/23/2007 6:16:40 PM

Wickad

Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
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(fast reply)

Greetings,

I am attached to a wonderful Dominant man. He and I have set out the ground rules of what we both can accept from the other in so far as play with 3rd parites goes. When either of us go to meet a potential play person, the other just usually comes along as we tend to do things together. I expect my partner and the people I play with to talk and get to know each other. I also expect to talk to my potential play partner's 'other half' one on one. I want to ask her what 'her' limits for her husband/partner are? I want to get a feel for the how and why their marriage works. I want to know that she is truly okay with me playing with her husband/partner.

I would expect no less of a submissive man. If he wanted to go for a coffee with my partner ... fill their boots. I hope they have a great conversation and that it leads to better understanding amongst all of us.

Wickad

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Post #: 26

RE: When she's married - 11/23/2007 9:11:01 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

If the submissive is single.. why would he want a married Domme anyhow? There is no future in it other than friedship.

This is only true in a monogamous universe. If the husband and wife are truly poly, the slave/sub might fit very nicely into the relationship...but obviously, both the husband and wife need to know about it, hence the core issue of the OP's post.

Master Fire

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Post #: 27

RE: When she's married - 11/24/2007 10:58:55 AM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
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Honesty is essential in any relationship.
You may as well start out with the truth.
However what is important to one person is not necessarily important to some one else.
That's why getting to know someone properly before you go into the relationship is important.
And you can not possibly do that on-line or on the phone.

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Post #: 28

RE: When she's married - 11/24/2007 11:35:56 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Ok. On a quick check, I decided to to a quick test.

Even now, My collared submissive does not know My home phone number. This is a boy who stays here with Me at least two times a week. I literally went out to the kitchen, while he's baking to ask him this question, just to see how important it really is.

Now, if We were going to talk about home address, that would be a different issue, since I'm sure he sees the house number coming in the door.

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Post #: 29