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When does it end? - 11/22/2007 7:48:08 PM

insidioustoy

Posts: 13
Joined: 11/2/2007
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I've only been owned once before and now am with a new Dominant. I absolutly love the fascination and intensity that comes with training as you learn about, explore, and grow with a person. But, I've been wondering and asking myself, will this end once I know everything about him? Will he lose interest in training me when he no longer needs to lecture or teach me how to please him? How do I keep that passion between us? My question is, when does that intensity end for you? Does it end after training and that intensity calms to just knowing about each other? What ways do you keep that intensity and passion alive? I know that many D/s relationships end as the training slows and it gets to a point of, now what do we do? I'm not saying my current relationship is headed there, just wondering about other peoples experiences.

Your thoughts?

thank you,

nikki

Post #: 1

RE: When does it end? - 11/22/2007 7:50:55 PM

LATEXBABY64

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if someone is creative or spontanious they can always keep that up so it never ends. But you have to have somethings for that to happen.

(in reply to insidioustoy)

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RE: When does it end? - 11/22/2007 7:53:05 PM

RRafe

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That's why you set life goals and plans. So that the team that is created can keep having fun new experiences.

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RE: When does it end? - 11/22/2007 7:57:00 PM

angelslave77

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Joined: 5/14/2007
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People grow and change the things is to grow together and not apart. There will always be new things to explore, like any relationship it requires paitence tolerance repect and understanding.

If it fades then imo it was probably only a shallow physical lustful thing anyway and is that really something worth persuing long term

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 4

RE: When does it end? - 11/22/2007 8:52:28 PM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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All relationships have cycles, and the excitement ebbs and flows. It can't be a peak experience EVERY time.

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Post #: 5

RE: When does it end? - 11/22/2007 9:57:29 PM

Kana

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But, I've been wondering and asking myself, will this end once I know everything about him?

I sure hope not. I like to think that the more I find about a woman the greater my interest will be piqued. Lots of the joy is getting to know one another true, but the greater joy is when you know each other intimately and still explore each other. Where shared knowledge and experience can become the bedrock of something solid and real, not just an interaction that is fickle and transitive. Can anyone person truly ever know all of another? People constantly surprise me with their capacity to change, grow and shift. To often have I thought that I saw another and knew every nook and cranny of them only to get sandbagged out of nowhere with something that I had never contemplated.

Will he lose interest in training me when he no longer needs to lecture or teach me how to please him?
That would be awful, has this happened before or is he someone who hunkers down for the long haul?And for that matter are you?

How do I keep that passion between us?
For me creativity helps, but so does constantly being open to explore new realms together. I also think (who would have thunk it, a romantic dom) that when two people love each other that passion grows and does not fade.
My question is, when does that intensity end for you?
I have found that a power exchange can form a loop where she gives herself to me in indirect as well as direct submission. In return I pour myself into her. As trust grows, so can the breadth of the experiences undertaken. She gives, I give back, the loop of the exchange grows and things continue to build rather than slack.
Does it end after training and that intensity calms to just knowing about each other?
It can but that depends more on the participants than BDSM I suspect. This statement, and most of those above, are as applicable to vanilla relationships as they are to bound ones. There is a tendency in our society for people to wander into relationships based purely on the pleasure principle and the second things take work or compromise or involve real communication for one or both parties to cut and run.
What ways do you keep that intensity and passion alive?
It comes down to the sheer exuberance of enjoying the others company. A life without passion to me is a life not worth living. I have to be inspired in what I do, to burn with a fire else I will grow quickly bored. A quick wit and a keen mind help the most here for me, someone who can challenge me intellectually but still submit joyfully.This means that I have to have similar value systems, interests and a desire to spend time with that person outside of a strictly BDSM environment. I’m talking about communication, growing together rather than apart and maybe most importantly setting the time aside to continue to grow together.The word I am seeking is commitment
I know that many D/s relationships end as the training slows and it gets to a point of, now what do we do? I'm not saying my current relationship is headed there, just wondering about other peoples experiences.
Of course this is all easily said for me, but the reality is that the longest best BDSM relationship I have had went on for five years. I have learned a lot through the errors I have made and hope to avoid them in the future.

Your thoughts?

< Message edited by Kana -- 11/22/2007 10:01:41 PM >

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 6

RE: When does it end? - 11/22/2007 11:13:13 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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Personally I can only think that with time ,and knowledge of one, to the other that with that trust built and that comfort level achieved that it would and should intensify. For barriers have been let down, idiosyncrasies have been discovered, and you know the worse and the best..That instead of being trained, you are now growing together, that the focus is now upon the relationship and where it is going...Tempting

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You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

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Post #: 7

RE: When does it end? - 11/22/2007 11:24:54 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
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No relationship is on a high all the time, just as not everyone is always in a great mood. Life gets in the way. It's unrealistic to expect fireworks all the time. People who have unrealistic expectations often do drift apart, because they eventually realise that D/s isn't just about the excitement and the sex, it's a gradual and ever changing process. This is identical to none "lifestyle" relationships. The honeymoon doesn't last forever.

However, a deep, passionate relationship can survive for a lifetime, as long as both understand the changing needs of the other over time.

Personally, I find the initial training process is sometimes very tiring. I like getting to the stage that I don't have to tell a slave what to do every step of the way. I love having my slave know that I need a massage, just by the set of my shoulders, or know instinctively that I want some alone time, without interruption.

Long term doesn't have to mean boring.

_____________________________

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Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 8

RE: When does it end? - 11/23/2007 4:18:25 AM

LadyIce

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Joined: 7/4/2006
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It never ends for me, there are just too many wicked ways for me to enjoy myself.
That is one of the beauties of this lifestyle, with an open mind and willing partner, it
has never been boring or routine for me.

(in reply to insidioustoy)

Post #: 9

RE: When does it end? - 11/23/2007 5:00:45 AM

canupleaseme

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I agree with the others, its never ending for us I imagine it always will be

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RE: When does it end? - 11/23/2007 5:08:19 AM

wisteriaV

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It gets better with time like aged fine wine. It works if you work it.

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If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

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Post #: 11

RE: When does it end? - 11/23/2007 5:11:18 AM

brattysarahjane

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Joined: 6/13/2007
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i think your personal attitude will govern whether this ends or not. if you think it will get boring, then it will. if the relationship is treated like a marriage (that should, but not always last forever) then it should not be boring. at times it will be difficult because all relationships are difficult at times and hard work at times.

good luck
brattysarahjane

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 12

RE: When does it end? - 11/23/2007 6:42:41 AM

juliaoceania

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Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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My experience with life has shown me if I wait for the other shoe to drop, it will, and usually on my head...

Why not live in the "Now"? Enjoy what you are getting from this interaction, instead of preparing for it to end.. because preparing yourself for it is not going to prevent it.

Some people like training or being trained more than the actual relationship realizing that there is value in the comfort that comes with time. Some people like babies more than children, some people like teens more than kids, some people enjoy it once their UMs are grown, and some people enjoy each and every stage of development... I think it is a good analogy.... there are many people that do not get bored with their toys once the "New" wears off. Puppies are cute, but you do not want to be housetraining them forever either

_____________________________

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to insidioustoy)

Post #: 13

RE: When does it end? - 11/23/2007 7:21:04 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: insidioustoy

I've only been owned once before and now am with a new Dominant. I absolutly love the fascination and intensity that comes with training as you learn about, explore, and grow with a person. But, I've been wondering and asking myself, will this end once I know everything about him?

It doesn't have to. I get the fact that you love the training and the learning and the intensity that comes with not knowing what will happen next or what some new phase of play will feel like but it concerns me that you refer to the "new" or "unknown" in that way. It bothers me that you seem to think only the "unknown" is "new". What is known already can be shown to be intense...I spanked a submissive who was used to having her ass beaten and was not so sure that there could be enough intensity from spanking alone to excite her to a certain level. I showed her that indeed there can be. That is play...the BDSM. The D/s portion can be known and still be intense. As Tempting put it, sometimes knowing the other partner equates to being willing to let that partner go further than a partner you are just now learning things with..and that freedom can lead you down new roads that are safer because of the trust in the driver.

quote:

Will he lose interest in training me when he no longer needs to lecture or teach me how to please him? How do I keep that passion between us? My question is, when does that intensity end for you?

The intensity and passion do not have to die. I've expressed that in my paragraph above and others have expressed that it does not for them. Ways of keeping it alive? Always being open to learn more, do more, finding new ways to please and be pleasing. It takes imagination and creativity BUT it also takes a willingness to recognize that there is a normal ebb and flow and that the danger comes when a person finds themself stuck too long in one cycle or the other.

quote:

Does it end after training and that intensity calms to just knowing about each other? What ways do you keep that intensity and passion alive? I know that many D/s relationships end as the training slows and it gets to a point of, now what do we do? I'm not saying my current relationship is headed there, just wondering about other peoples experiences.

Your thoughts?

thank you,

nikki

I've given you my thoughts...others have given theirs. Seems like there are a lot of good answers here though some of them contain ideas that some people might have a hard time wrapping their heads around. Look at yourself...and ask yourself if the excitement of being with someone new and learning new things is what attracts you and whether or not you expect it to all be on him to keep it ALL fresh and exciting and new or to take you down the more involved path and show you the ways it can be exciting?

(in reply to insidioustoy)

Post #: 14

RE: When does it end? - 11/23/2007 9:55:06 AM

insidioustoy

Posts: 13
Joined: 11/2/2007
Status: offline

Thank you all for the insightful responses. This is only my second D/s relationship and all I have to compare it to is the one I had before and those I have read about. I made a lot of mistakes in my first relationship and am trying to be careful to understand as much as possible this time around. I consider myself very openminded and was such in my first relationship and I think he was not so secure to explore outside the unknown. Hence, things stagnated and neither of us wanted to continue.

I guess I just didn't think about the fact that it is a relationship first, like any other and can fall prey to the same pitfalls of any relationship. One partner grows and the other doesn't, etc. Just my inexperience clouding my thinking I suppose. I know I am not in this just for the simple instant gratification of intense training. Yes that is nice but I want very much for things to be fulfilling and move beyond that. Since nothing in my experience has gone beyond that point, I guess part of me is determined to do everything possible to make things work.

I care very deeply for my Owner and I know he is as openminded as I or more so. I can't even see the walls or boundaries when we are together. I should not have superimposed the flaws of a past relationship onto this one.

Again, thank you all for sharing.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 15

RE: When does it end? - 11/23/2007 11:38:24 AM

laurell3

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Joined: 5/5/2005
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FR:

I think sometimes we get so excited by the bdsm and d/s stuff that we forget that it's a relationship with two human beings in it. For me, relationships suffer when we forget to be friends and companions and love/care/nuture/support each other. If that foundation is lacking at any time, everthing else seems hollow. If it's not, the possibilities are endless.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to insidioustoy)

Post #: 16

RE: When does it end? - 11/23/2007 11:43:59 AM

amiciaN

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Joined: 1/20/2007
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Hello insidioustoy and welcome to the forums--

I think you have learned a great deal from this thread, judging by your last post.

Some people never seem to get what you have grasped relatively quickly--it's a relationship first. That said, I think there are a few points to remember to help 'keep it fresh'.

First, who says 'training' ever really ends? Does the learning curve level out a bit? Sure, but that is true with anything. Imagine the relationship you are creating is like building a home. It is, after all, where your hearts will reside. The most visibly dramatic part of watching a building being built is seeing the framework rise day by day. But the framework itself is not what makes a building beautiful or even useful. It is the foundation that makes it stable, the walls and roof that make it useful, and it is in the details that the beauty is found. The builder isn't content until the last detail is complete. The owners take pride in the maintenance and decorating of the property. And while your Master may own you, you both own the relationship; you're partners. Now that doesn't mean it's an equal partnership, or even that one partner may not be a 'silent' one, but without more than one party, it ceases to be a partnership/relationship. (Partnerships can also have more than two partners, btw, so if poly is in your future, I think this would sitll apply.) The initial training phase is indeed intense but that is merely the foundations and framework going up, then the walls and roof. Ask anyone who has ever lived in a home or worked in a business during a remodelling and they will tell you very quickly that living/working in an enviroment constantly under contruction is far from an ideal situation. Yes, it can be exciting, but it is also very stressful and inefficent. Most would tell you that they welcome the end of construction so that they can enjoy the results of the work. There are of course those who enjoy the contruction process more. If it's a building we're talking about, that fine; a career in construction can be rewarding in both the sense of accomplishment and monetarily. In a relationship? It's really not such a good idea, is it?

That leads to the second point. Just because the building is finished and decorated doen't mean that the excitement is over. Now you can enjoy the space that has been created. You can explore every nook and cranny, find every corner and 'hidden' room. You can discover 'secret passages' leading from one area to another. You can throw open the doors and invite the neighbors in for a party and you can enjoy quiet times of rest when they're gone. There will be storms that require repairs and parties that require cleaning afterwords. The finest building in the world will fall into ruin without care and maintenance. So will the finest relationships.

Finally, there are plenty of ways to bring excitement into your life and life will create drama enough on its own. "Stable" doesn't mean boring. Stable means that it is strong enough to endure. The nature of life itself doesn't change because you're in a D/s relationship, only how you relate to it. There will be births and deaths, friendships formed and lost, happy times cherished and hard times endured. As I see it, the truest joy of any relationship is having someone with you through it all. You aren't alone anymore. I personally find a great deal of joy and contentment in that sharing. Of course ymmv, but in all honestly, I hope in this case it doesn't.

_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

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RE: When does it end? - 11/23/2007 12:37:13 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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As MasterFireMaam said (somewhat) once the fireball has died down, you learn to enjoy the fireflies.

The new relationship energy intensity doesn't last- it can't and it shouldn't. Because it's about new relationships, once your relationship isn't new, it needs to evolve into what it will become.

At that point, you need the deeper stronger long term slow burn type of intensity. If you haven't built it by the time the new relationship energy dissipates, then you'll have a lot more problems of building as you go.

So it's not about losing the intensity, it's about learning to evolve into a different form of intensity. Most of us only learn or hear about or feel the white hot flashes- and those are great and hopefully never go away forever. But it's not the only form and it's not what will make a relationship work in the long haul.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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Post #: 18

RE: When does it end? - 11/23/2007 1:11:40 PM

breatheasone

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Every relationship has stages its goes though.....EVERY relationship. Its not possible to stay in the "fuck like bunnies" honeymoon stage for ever. When you start getting comfortable with each other and it (the relationship) begins to settle into its own...thats when the good stuff can happen...but TOO many people mistake that transition for "the spark is gone" when in fact its not.

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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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candy posts in pink font

(in reply to insidioustoy)

Post #: 19

RE: When does it end? - 11/23/2007 4:12:21 PM

Cyntilating

Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: insidioustoy

I've only been owned once before and now am with a new Dominant. I absolutly love the fascination and intensity that comes with training as you learn about, explore, and grow with a person. But, I've been wondering and asking myself, will this end once I know everything about him? Will he lose interest in training me when he no longer needs to lecture or teach me how to please him? How do I keep that passion between us? My question is, when does that intensity end for you? Does it end after training and that intensity calms to just knowing about each other? What ways do you keep that intensity and passion alive? I know that many D/s relationships end as the training slows and it gets to a point of, now what do we do? I'm not saying my current relationship is headed there, just wondering about other peoples experiences.

Your thoughts?

thank you,

nikki

This may seem oversimplified but,

I think what destroys a relationship is complacency.
Even the roughest times can be gotten through as long as complacency and indifference hasn't set in.

how to keep the spark?
continue to re-invent ( grow learn experience ) yourself.
bring new ideas and creativity to the relationship.
and not just sexually.
Living life richly allows you to bring that richness to the relationship...its like new lifeblood and energy.

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to insidioustoy)

Post #: 20

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