help?

help? (Full Version)

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ChibiGal -> help? (11/22/2007 9:02:25 PM)
Howdy my husband and i are both into BDSM i want to do it with him and we did some stuff mildly when first dating. but now he wont do it with me. at first he told me he wasnt into it anymore and now i learn that he just dosent want to do it with me. we rarley have sex anymore either we havent been married long but have been together forever. he says he cant do anything to me becaouse he loves me to much but is on here looking for a slave....any advice? i am unsure what to do i want to be his slave/sub not someone else...thank you in advance for the help! Chibi i forgot to add i love him with all my heart and i know he loves me i dont want to leave him if at all poosible.

SmokingGun82 -> RE: help? (11/22/2007 9:09:41 PM)
To quote Dan Savage: DTMFA. Dump the motherfucker already. It's trite, and not at all insightful... but what do you want from a stranger on the internet?

ItzKat -> RE: help? (11/22/2007 9:31:19 PM)
Chibi, I assume you are here because you want to save this relationship. Here is my advice... turn off the computer and go talk to him. Don't settle for the "I love you too much" thing. If he really just wants to have random sex, find out. If his needs and desires are radically different from yours, find out. If he is just looking for a replacement, find out. But you will not get those answers here. You have to talke to him. Good luck.

CalifChick -> RE: help? (11/22/2007 9:58:20 PM)
And if he won't talk about it, find a kink-friendly therapist for marriage counseling. It's not going to change on its own. Cali

rawkmehard -> RE: help? (11/22/2007 10:16:22 PM)
if he won't get therapy with you, then get out.

Estring -> RE: help? (11/22/2007 11:15:18 PM)
Been together forever and married at 19? Do not under any circumstances get pregnant.

CuriousLord -> RE: help? (11/22/2007 11:28:55 PM)
I guess the question is.. does he need to hate his slave? I have virtually no sadism in me whatsoever. (I'd say "none", but there's always that possibility there's a little bit I overlook, being human 'n such.) But I was still able to be rough on a girl I cared about back when I came to this place. She enjoyed- or, more to the point, needed- it. So, if he gets off on inflicting physical pain, you two can work. If he has to actually desire malice for his partner, and he loves you.. well, that would probably lead somewhere very unhealthy.

ChibiGal -> RE: help? (11/23/2007 8:37:05 AM)
thank you all very much for the advice ^_^

OsideGirl -> RE: help? (11/23/2007 9:37:34 AM)
Master and I went through this. Master is a hard core sadist. There came a point just after we were married where his sadism butted up against his desire to protect me and cherish me. He compared it to enjoying beating an animal. It's something that trusts you completely, that you're there to protect and then you hurt it and enjoy it. He just felt plain guilty. It was a tough dichotomy for him. It just took a lot of talking and restarting slow to get us back to where we were. So, I would suggest sitting down and having a long talk.

Aine -> RE: help? (11/23/2007 10:15:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Estring Been together forever and married at 19? Do not under any circumstances get pregnant. I'd have to agree wholeheartedly on this. There is no been together forever at 19. Do not get pregnant. Try to figure out whether or not this is the relationship for you.

velvetears -> RE: help? (11/23/2007 10:16:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChibiGal Howdy my husband and i are both into BDSM i want to do it with him and we did some stuff mildly when first dating. but now he wont do it with me. at first he told me he wasnt into it anymore and now i learn that he just dosent want to do it with me. we rarley have sex anymore either we havent been married long but have been together forever. he says he cant do anything to me becaouse he loves me to much but is on here looking for a slave....any advice? i am unsure what to do i want to be his slave/sub not someone else...thank you in advance for the help! Chibi i forgot to add i love him with all my heart and i know he loves me i dont want to leave him if at all poosible. He lied to you. He has abandoned you. Two very painful things to deal with. Personally i would take a strong stand with him on this - me or no one, or the marriage is over. If he's not having sex with you now - and doesn't look to correct whatever problem there is - it won't, like fine wine, get better with age. You can love him to pieces but unless he gives YOU something YOU need - you're going to be unhappy and it will eventually erode that love.

IrishMist -> RE: help? (11/23/2007 10:25:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChibiGal Howdy my husband and i are both into BDSM i want to do it with him and we did some stuff mildly when first dating. but now he wont do it with me. at first he told me he wasnt into it anymore and now i learn that he just dosent want to do it with me. we rarley have sex anymore either we havent been married long but have been together forever. he says he cant do anything to me becaouse he loves me to much but is on here looking for a slave....any advice? i am unsure what to do i want to be his slave/sub not someone else...thank you in advance for the help! Chibi i forgot to add i love him with all my heart and i know he loves me i dont want to leave him if at all poosible. No offense but you came to the wrong place for marital advice. If you and your husband can not work this out between yourselves; do the right thing and say goodbye to one another.

Kaiynasha -> RE: help? (11/23/2007 10:55:41 AM)
My opinion...communicate and counseling. However you cannot make someone do something they won't. You have to decide if your needs aremore important than your marriage. And I do not recommend cheating. If you cannot deal with his no- then move on from the relationship. But don't become manipulative or controlling. Counseling, communication, acceptance, and/or divorce

Kana -> RE: help? (11/23/2007 12:02:09 PM)
“However, for as long as criminology has been a field of study, it has always been haunted by the theory of ‘the competent criminal.’ For obvious reasons criminologists (and psychologists and socialogists, etc.) only study failed criminals—that is, those persons whose criminal acts led to their conviction and to punishment. If there is a group of people out there who commit crimes and are not caught and live happily ever after, then criminology is not a study of criminals but of incompetents, bumblers, fuckups and should instead be called fuckupology.” --Larry Beinhart, Wag The Dog Sometimes, and I am not pointing fingers at anyone so no howling allowed, just sometimes a BDSM forum is not exactly the right place to go for marital advice. We are not always a hotbed of mental health. The question I have is what is going on with the communication between the two of you that things reach the point where you are querying strangers on the internet for marital feedback? I give no advice, I return questions with questions.

amiciaN -> RE: help? (11/23/2007 12:08:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana I give no advice, I return questions with questions. Hello Kana-- Sometimes, the best advice one can get is from the person who simply asks the right questions. (Please forgive the snippage of the quoted post)

Kana -> RE: help? (11/23/2007 2:07:40 PM)
Thats why I ask them. Usually we have the answers inside of us, we just need to clear away the BS that blocks us from seing it No forgiveness required either.

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