failure

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CuteIrishM4F -> failure (11/23/2007 1:45:35 PM)
My life has radically altered. The person I thought I could give everything to has found another, and I am left with an emptyness I am sure can never be filled. Though we never met in person, she had my heart from an early stage in our correspondence. I am old enough to recognise a crush, an infatuation, an obsession. It was neither. She truly made me hope for something I have never had and now believe I never will. I am ready to give up on everything I had hoped for when it comes to this lifestyle. For you see, I would have loved her if she was merely vanilla. She was, and so much more. I hope that we can truly remain friends, but I know my heart is broken. I feel weak, but it is not submission. That at least, is a source of inner strength for me. It is something so deep, so painful that there is no way to describe it. I lost a fight I may never recover from. I layed siege to a fortress I was not prepared to conquer. An objective that was too distant, to willing to trust my enemy for me to stand a chance. Too precarious from the beginning. I was led into a trap and I followed willingly. I let my guard down as I struggled with the barrier she presented to me. There is no one to blame but myself. Utter foolishness. This soldier will lay down his sword. Some battles are not meant to be won.

mistoferin -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 1:53:03 PM)
Yup, we've all been there. Take the time to lay down, let the bleeding stop, lick your wounds and heal. The sun will come up tomorrow and life will go on....even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

laurell3 -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 1:58:51 PM)
I'm sorry you're going through a hard time right now. You seem to be a rather eloquent writer, I would suggest journaling your feelings might help. Take some time, nuture yourself. As mist pointed out, although it feels like the end of the world, it really isn't. You will like to pick up that sword another day in an equally exhhilirating battle.

Estring -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 2:06:02 PM)
Do not give your heart to someone you have never met. You will get over this. Hopefully you will learn from it as well.

ItsAllMine -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 2:12:51 PM)
Did this happen recently? You wrote the identical letter in your journal entry in June..

CuriousLord -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 2:43:09 PM)
Ah, it can be a good thing to moap around for a while afterwards. It can act as affirmation and proof of the depth of what one once felt, supporting not only a lost cause, but it's validity, and thusly one's own identity and experience. Of course, the sun will rise again, only that feeling down for a while isn't only normal and healthy, but pretty much necessary so that one truly knows his future attachments will be in earnest.

mistoferin -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 2:45:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ItsAllMine Did this happen recently? You wrote the identical letter in your journal entry in June.. This is interesting. If you are still feeling this way over someone you never even met 6 months later, you may wish to find someone to talk to about it.

MsterStoney442 -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 2:57:57 PM)
I know just how you feel . I lost that ture one that has my heart . She realy tried to be a good slave . But her vannilla side took her away from me .I know in my heart I will never find one such as her . She is DEEP in my heart and always will be . And my life sucks with out her . They say times heals . But damn how much time has to pass for that to happen . I know I do not want her out of my life . She is me and I am her . But there is the nilla in her that takes her away . I only hope that some day she will know her heart and mind is as one and that her Master is always there . Tis hard to walk the road alone onl;y seeing your dreams

domiguy -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 3:21:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuteIrishM4F My life has radically altered. The person I thought I could give everything to has found another, and I am left with an emptyness I am sure can never be filled. Though we never met in person, she had my heart from an early stage in our correspondence. I am old enough to recognise a crush, an infatuation, an obsession. It was neither. She truly made me hope for something I have never had and now believe I never will. I am ready to give up on everything I had hoped for when it comes to this lifestyle. For you see, I would have loved her if she was merely vanilla. She was, and so much more. I hope that we can truly remain friends, but I know my heart is broken. I feel weak, but it is not submission. That at least, is a source of inner strength for me. It is something so deep, so painful that there is no way to describe it. I lost a fight I may never recover from. I layed siege to a fortress I was not prepared to conquer. An objective that was too distant, to willing to trust my enemy for me to stand a chance. Too precarious from the beginning. I was led into a trap and I followed willingly. I let my guard down as I struggled with the barrier she presented to me. There is no one to blame but myself. Utter foolishness. This soldier will lay down his sword. Some battles are not meant to be won. I know how you feel....I had a crush on Princess Di. Though we never met, I felt that there was still a special connection. I couldn't do anything to shield her from the paparazzi...My sword and strength could not protect her from their pursuit....Damn you Paparazzi!!!...You stole my one and only true love....And Pleeeeeez!!!...Don't get me started on that cocksucking, Dodi Fayed..... Is this the same kind of thing that you are talking about?....If so, I feel your pain brothah! PM me if you need to talk. One more thing.....Divi = needy little attention whore. I don't know exactly what it means but it seems all of the kids are using it as their tag line today. I guess it's because she be an attention ho who is needy. I don't think it would be wise in your current state to talk to her.

BlueAngelEyes411 -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 3:32:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuteIrishM4F My life has radically altered. The person I thought I could give everything to has found another, and I am left with an emptyness I am sure can never be filled. Though we never met in person, she had my heart from an early stage in our correspondence. I am old enough to recognise a crush, an infatuation, an obsession. It was neither. She truly made me hope for something I have never had and now believe I never will. I am ready to give up on everything I had hoped for when it comes to this lifestyle. For you see, I would have loved her if she was merely vanilla. She was, and so much more. I hope that we can truly remain friends, but I know my heart is broken. I feel weak, but it is not submission. That at least, is a source of inner strength for me. It is something so deep, so painful that there is no way to describe it. I lost a fight I may never recover from. I layed siege to a fortress I was not prepared to conquer. An objective that was too distant, to willing to trust my enemy for me to stand a chance. Too precarious from the beginning. I was led into a trap and I followed willingly. I let my guard down as I struggled with the barrier she presented to me. There is no one to blame but myself. Utter foolishness. This soldier will lay down his sword. Some battles are not meant to be won. I've been there only once and I never want to go there again. My heart honestly breaks for you. I know the sadness and the feeling of being alone. The only thing I know to tell you is that you are not alone and it will take a lot of time to begin to heal. I know you don't think you will survive this right now, but you will. I'm not saying you will forget it or that you will be exactly the same person, but you will learn from it and in time be able to move on. Until then, hang in there and let us help if we can.

Aneirin -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 5:00:10 PM)
Some people one mourns the loss of forever, they hold a special place in the heart, but life does go on, people move on, you will, given time. But it is still ok to think of the times that could have been, most of us have that and through that we learn to avoid or lessen the pain next time. It is ok to have feelings, they are there for us, the good and the bad. Just beware of cynicism.

velvetears -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 5:06:19 PM)
FR Ahhhh the passion of the Irish :-) You're very young and eventually life will resume its course and the sun will shine brighter, the air will be sweeter and you will feel lighter. Everyone goes through heartache in relationships. Take from it what you can and keep only the good memories with you. They will serve you best when you are ready to move on.

pinksugarsub -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 5:10:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuteIrishM4F My life has radically altered. The person I thought I could give everything to has found another, and I am left with an emptyness I am sure can never be filled. Though we never met in person, she had my heart from an early stage in our correspondence. I am old enough to recognise a crush, an infatuation, an obsession. It was neither. She truly made me hope for something I have never had and now believe I never will. I am ready to give up on everything I had hoped for when it comes to this lifestyle. For you see, I would have loved her if she was merely vanilla. She was, and so much more. I hope that we can truly remain friends, but I know my heart is broken. I feel weak, but it is not submission. That at least, is a source of inner strength for me. It is something so deep, so painful that there is no way to describe it. I lost a fight I may never recover from. I layed siege to a fortress I was not prepared to conquer. An objective that was too distant, to willing to trust my enemy for me to stand a chance. Too precarious from the beginning. I was led into a trap and I followed willingly. I let my guard down as I struggled with the barrier she presented to me. There is no one to blame but myself. Utter foolishness. This soldier will lay down his sword. Some battles are not meant to be won. Sir, i've had my heart broken more than once; the capacity to love never totally dies. i hibernated for awhile, sought solace from my F/friends, and generally treated myself as a little fragile for awhile. i don't say this to demean Your feelings, but to give You hope. pinksugarsub

SimplyMichael -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 5:19:39 PM)
Online only relationships involve real emotions in fantasy situations. You never hear someone fart, you never smell the fact that they haven't bathed, you don't see the dirty underwear and plates laying around. The person you are interacting with is a combination of their best traits and the rest is a fantasy created by you and NOBODY on earth can ever compare with that. Which of course explains why those emotions often soar so high and then crash so low...

MrSpectacular -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 5:30:58 PM)
Move on get over it -what you had was an online relationship - it was not real. You should also not be so self indulgent - you were not led into a trap - you are an adult you have choices. To continue your military theme - as Winston said - never ever ever ever give in.

MissMagnolia -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 5:39:08 PM)
Yes, I have to wonder why you felt the need to post this in the forums, when you already have it in your journal. And from June, no less. If you still feel exactly the same as you did in June, it's unhealthy and time to pick up and move on. Or did you just post it to draw attention to your misery? Again, very unhealthy.

Estring -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 10:38:02 PM)
Is this Bono?

shootingstar67 -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 10:45:02 PM)
online relationships are so intense. I couldn't let go of my Gorean master for three years. i cyber stalkd him. But eventually I traced his domain name to another and was able to discover he was married. I had blamed myself for failing as a kajira and he had blamed me. Finally was able to heal and realize it wasn't. I could let go when I understood what happened

CuteIrishM4F -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 11:49:09 PM)
Thanks all of you for the responses. Just to clarify, I recieved news of this other submissive last night and posted what I wrote here into my journal right away. I erased something very sweet I had written about her in June and replaced it. I didn't know the date wouldn't change when I did that. As for the advice I recieved, thanks. It means a lot. I do not really know why I posted this to a thread Miss Magnolia. I think I was looking, as Laurell suggested, to get my thoughts down in word form. I always struggle to do that, words do not come easily to me. Why put it out there for judgement? I maybe needed this advice, or equally this mockery. I do not know. What I have decided, however, is to delete my account and give up my search of several years, once I say goodbye to a few friends. I just cannot do it anymore. All the best. a.

Estring -> RE: failure (11/23/2007 11:51:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shootingstar67 online relationships are so intense. I couldn't let go of my Gorean master for three years. i cyber stalkd him. But eventually I traced his domain name to another and was able to discover he was married. I had blamed myself for failing as a kajira and he had blamed me. Finally was able to heal and realize it wasn't. I could let go when I understood what happened So basically you wasted three years on a married man.

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