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Dealing with Release - 11/23/2007 5:42:50 PM

Hergirl0824

Posts: 119
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

i have been struggling for the last few days with the reality of being released from my Ma'am. Long story short, She suffered a mild stroke many weeks ago and while struggling to recover She suffered a series of mild strokes that has left Her feeling as She can no longer be a Domme to me or to anyone else. Against all of my protests and begging to let me remain Her's, She felt that the best thing for me would be to release me to leave me free to seek someone who could meet my needs. Her final request of me as my Domme was for me to move on and not let the good foundation in a D/s relationship She gave me be in vain.

At the age of 42, this is not my first breakup of a relationship. But this one has hit me harder than any of the others, including the end of my 14 year marriage. I know i need to take time to let myself recover and heal before i move on with my journey. But my question to my fellow submissive/slaves is, did the loss of your first D/s or M/s relationship effect you more deeply than your relationships in the vanilla world? And what helped you in your personal recovery from the situation?

_____________________________

collared to Mistress Sizzlynn

When i let go of what i am, i become what i might be

Post #: 1

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/23/2007 6:43:03 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

I'm sorry to hear that Hergirl, however, unlike breakups where there is fighting, arguing and contention, here she is trying to do what she believes is best for you. I'm sure it doesn't make it any easier for you and maybe even harder. It's very unfortunate for both of you.

I think the only thing that helps is time. Get involved in the things that make you feel good, such as taking a class in something that interests you or picking up a new hobby, call up old friends, find someone to talk to that can help you gain perspective when it really gets you. I do think d/s breakups have been a bit harder on me, however, it's hard to quantify that type of emotions.

I wish you and her the best and good luck in the recovery you are both going through.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Hergirl0824)

Post #: 2

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/23/2007 7:12:18 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

It's not uncommon for Dominants to react this way when they find that they have to rely on thier slaves a great deal in a way that makes them feel very vulnerable. We often feel as if we have to be the rock in order to be the Dominant. Your choices are to accept that she's released you and move on or fight to stay. I've known those who have done both...and usually staying was appreciated after a long period of pain and self loathing on the part of the Dominant. However, there are those who will not be able to recover from the emotional trauma of the disability.

It's a hard place to be in....and is one of those slippery slopes when it comes to obedience. My advice: if you think that you, at some point, wouldn't be able to handle her disability, take the release and go. But, if you think that you can be devoted even with the disability, fight to stay.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Hergirl0824)

Post #: 3

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/23/2007 7:17:16 PM

Hergirl0824

Posts: 119
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

thank you laurell...i have always felt that the breakup of a relationship was a time to learn from mistakes and grow..but this has left me feeling very lost as this is more an act of fate than the two of us having problems... my heart remains with Her

_____________________________

collared to Mistress Sizzlynn

When i let go of what i am, i become what i might be

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 4

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/23/2007 7:20:03 PM

Hergirl0824

Posts: 119
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

MasterFireMaam
thank you so much for this insight...it never occured to me to do anything but obey Her wishes, even though that is the last thing i want to do...Her disability matters not to me at all and i only wish to be by Her side and help Her in any way i can..She has my complete devotion and my heart....this has given me something new to consider and again i thank you for it

_____________________________

collared to Mistress Sizzlynn

When i let go of what i am, i become what i might be

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 5

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/23/2007 10:27:45 PM

Solinear

Posts: 283
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline

I agree with MFM (wow... never noticed the acronym for her name... LOL) - if your relationship isn't built on the scenes and playing, then it shouldn't matter whether she's disabled or not.

(in reply to Hergirl0824)

Post #: 6

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/23/2007 11:59:09 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Maybe the route to go would be to ask her if the two of you could sit down for coffee in a few months. I think she's going to need time to adjust to herself and how she's changed and her debilitation. Having someone else around that she had a previous intimate relationship with might make that harder. I don't know the woman though, you do. You decide. However, a nonthreatening meeting with no promises just to keep in touch down the road and not have this be a total loss on both of your parts is a suggestion you might consider.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Hergirl0824)

Post #: 7

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/24/2007 12:01:42 AM

nailgirl

Posts: 27
Joined: 4/27/2007
Status: offline

hi, ive never got over being released from my first master, and i think thats because he was my first. he nurtured me, taught me, helped me, and loved me.theres not a day goes by hes not in my thoughts but life moves on . its real hard i feel for you. hang in there and time is a great healer

(in reply to Hergirl0824)

Post #: 8

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/24/2007 12:42:32 AM

trusting

Posts: 144
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline

i am sorry to hear of your situation!

when my most recent D/s relationship ended, it destroyed me... it took everything i had to get out of bed. i suppose that the feeling of completeness while with Him was one of the things i miss the most, i am still getting over it. but, it no longer holds me back from finding happiness!

when my first marriage ended, it was one of the most horrifying times of my life... He was my very first love/Dominant/confidant/lover and friend. although it was my decision to continue without Him... it all hurt the same!

i wish you well in your recovering from this tremendous blow... things will get better and go back to 'normal' for you!

_____________________________

"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." -Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to Hergirl0824)

Post #: 9

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/24/2007 1:32:36 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hergirl0824
But my question to my fellow submissive/slaves is, did the loss of your first D/s or M/s relationship effect you more deeply than your relationships in the vanilla world? And what helped you in your personal recovery from the situation?

he died. at home, in my arms, sudden heart attack. dec 18, its going to be 3 years. i guess that the fact this was a total, unequivable, cant-get-it-back loss helped me to move on a bit easier....losing the next dominant just over 2 years later hurt worse but since i had 4 months to prepare me for that loss, i coped a tiny bit better. it'll be a year dec 25th.

being polyamorous has helped some. my husband is here. i think the losses affected me deeper because it was not only the loss of someone i love, but the additional loss of the BDSM element that i need on TOP of the heartbreak... i mean, i need the physical pain to help me deal with some emotional stuff, plus to deal with the physical pain i have everyday. stress makes the physical pain worse, and what more stressful than the death of a partner?

Daddy is being very patient with me, and understands his lil girl has a heart that makes a marshmallow look tough. and i am clinging to him in many ways because of the anniversaries. so yeah, its being rough, i'm not recovered by a long shot, and i'm not even sure this answers your question.

i wish you well in talking to your Lady, and i agree, a silly thing like a stroke, while it IS devistating physically and emotionally, is NOT a reason to toss out someone who loves you. james was disabled by the time we'd been together a year and a half, i took care of his medical issues the rest of the 4 years we had together. fallcon...died 4 months after he got sick. cancer that was advanced before it was discovered. i wouldnt trade any of the time i had with either of them.

kitten, who is all about crawling back into bed this am...

(in reply to Hergirl0824)

Post #: 10

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/24/2007 11:56:02 AM

Hergirl0824

Posts: 119
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

thank you to all who wrote here offering support and opinons. I am unsure what i am doing at this point but everyone of you has given me something new to think about. I think taking some time to sort out the possibilities will help me see my way through this difficult situation.

again thank you all

_____________________________

collared to Mistress Sizzlynn

When i let go of what i am, i become what i might be

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 11

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/25/2007 4:46:38 PM

angeliclilslave

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

eight months ago i left my Master/poly relationship of three years...it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. but i could not stay in tha trelationship any longer because of the abuse that was endured on me. i had a lot of anger built up and recently wrote a closure letter to Him and go everything out that i was feeling. it felt good to do that. i felt like a different person. now i'm involved with another for about the past 4 months....shakes her head. she's beginning to find out that he's not what he seems to be...she is catching him in lies and believes he is a player. but yet i love him to death and i'm not sure what to do...i know it cant go on like this...so i'm asking for help....what should i do about this new Master?

angel

(in reply to Hergirl0824)

Post #: 12

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/25/2007 6:29:13 PM

kitten1963

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline

Hi, first time poster.

Hergirl, your question could not have come at a better time for me, as my first D/s relationship recently ended. I am new to the life style in general and while my friends have been good about it they don't know about the D/s aspect and I have had to mourn that aspect in private. I'm like you, though he said he thought it was best this way and I didn't question. He is the Dom, and if he says its best, it must be best, right? Even if I don't understand....much like you. So hopefully the both of us can find some solice and advice here, right?

Adoracat...my thoughts are with you.

(in reply to angeliclilslave)

Post #: 13

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/25/2007 11:31:53 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

I am tremendously sorry, Hergirl. I wish you well through this turmoil and pain.

(in reply to kitten1963)

Post #: 14

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/26/2007 12:00:47 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitten1963

Hi, first time poster.

Hergirl, your question could not have come at a better time for me, as my first D/s relationship recently ended. I am new to the life style in general and while my friends have been good about it they don't know about the D/s aspect and I have had to mourn that aspect in private. I'm like you, though he said he thought it was best this way and I didn't question. He is the Dom, and if he says its best, it must be best, right? Even if I don't understand....much like you. So hopefully the both of us can find some solice and advice here, right?

Adoracat...my thoughts are with you.

thank you, kitten. its not being easy, and i hauled out the security blanket...that ugly yellow fleece thing kept me company all last winter and spring till i thought it didnt need it any longer. apparently i do.

Daddy is being patient with me. and i know i am loved. i also know that james and fallcon arent really *gone*, i just dont get to see them for a while again. i still fuss at them for leaving me though.

kitten

(in reply to kitten1963)

Post #: 15

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/26/2007 1:16:40 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Death ... whether it's physical of the body, or of a relationship ... brings about grieving ... which is a PROCESS not a state. There are excellent books written on the stages of grief and I would really recommend those in this thread who have lost a precious one or their relationship with one, to get one or two of them, and read and reflect on how their grieving process is going. In past experience, some people try to skip stages to short-cut the process ... and that tends to backfire. Sooner or later the denial or the anger ... or whatever stage they skipped ... bursts out and it can be harder still to deal with if it is out of context by then. I feel for all of you, but know that while the support of others is incredibly helpful, only you can do the "work" of grieving and healing for yourself. adoracat, your situation is especially difficult with both losses being at Christmas which so many people seem to regard as a universally happy time ... I am glad your Daddy is loving and patient and your husband also ... My thoughts are with you too!

To the OP ... yes it is, as MFM said, a slippery slope of obedience to apparently defy Ma'am and fight to stay. It strikes Me that Ma'am is trying to be self-sacrificing, trying to make what seems to be the right choice for the slave, perhaps in denial of Her own need for support and care. Perhaps a gentle and loving reminder of what you promised Her ... and that you desperately want to be the one to be there for Her, to care for Her, that you can't bear to think of strangers doing that when it could be you ... maybe that will give Her cause to reconsider. Perhaps you could suggest that you BOTH put the finality of that decision on hold until the future is a bit clearer, until She has chance to observe whether this is a huge stress on you or whether, in fact, this is a blessing in that it brings you so much closer to Her. And think of all the wonderful lessons you will learn in this time, lessons that will help you grow as a person and that will stand you in good stead in the future. Ask Her to turn it around ... would She have released you if you were the one who had had the strokes and become disabled? And yet it would be perhaps less obvious for a Domme to care for a disabled sub/slave than vice versa? Failing all else ... cite the example of Christopher Reeve and his wife Dana? Could anyone doubt the richness of the love that was almost palpable between them even after his accident? (And as a sideline ... and what would people have thought had he "released" her from the marriage and if she had apparently deserted him?) OP ... if your Ma'am's disability REALLY ... in the depths of your heart ... doesn't detract from the love you have for Her and your desire to serve Her, to be Her girl ... then don't give up too easily!

All the very best
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 16

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/26/2007 1:34:20 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Excellent advice from all.

I did exactly the same thing when I began treatment for a serious medical condition. I told my slave that I was releasing him, as I had no more to give him and no desire to take anything either. My mind was so focused on my illness, my vulnerability and trying to deal with the whole "Oh god will I ever be OK? Will I even live through this?" stuff, I had no time for him. I believed I was doing right when I told him I needed him to find his Mistress, the one who would be there. He refused to listen. He agreed with me that he was "decollared" and he kept in touch as a friend. Not too much, but I was always aware that he was there, should I need him. Fast forward to five months after my treatment had finished. Out of the blue, he asked if he was still collared. I told him that he wasn't, and asked how the search was going. He replied that he hadn't looked, he hadn't felt the need, as he still felt himself to be my slave and that it was simply a matter of time. Sometimes he is far too smart for his own good.

I am not saying waste your life on waiting on someone who may never be able to give you what you need. I am saying that this is a hellish place for her too. She is scared, she is confused and she is trying to forge a new life in new circumstances. She is also suffering the same sense of loss that you feel. Ask if you can call her friend, with no expectations. Sje may see things in a new light after some time has passed and she has adjusted to life.

In any case, I wish you both health and happiness and love.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 17

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/26/2007 2:17:06 AM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

My Master is disabled....I wouldn't be without Him for anything. He was ill when we met - it made not the slightest bit of difference to me. Over our almost 4 years together we have weathered several crises with His health and no doubt there will be more.

Hergirl....I am sorry your Mistress decided to release you at this time but I can understand her reasoning - Sir often says He wishes things were different and it isn't fair to put me through so much stress and worry. She may change her mind, she may not....time to think, when she isn't feeling so stressed and has had time to absorb and deal with what has happened to her may make a difference.

adoracat....my thoughts go out to you at this time....

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 18

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/26/2007 5:15:46 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I suffered a stroke while I was in labor with my daughter and it took me a long time to recover. I had to learn to do many basic things all over again, luckily the only lingering problem I seem to have is memory. But when I was going through it I felt very vulnerable which is something I hate to feel, I just didn't feel Dominant or like my old self.

I bet your Ma'am is feeling this way and she may feel embarrassed or feel that perhaps you may need someone who is stronger that she feels right now. I have known slaves who when they saw vulnerability in a Dominant, take off and head for the hills. Perhaps she fears that in the back of her mind, it is hard to say. But the best thing you can do is remain in touch with her, show your support but do not apply any pressure to her. Right now she needs time to heal and any stress added to that will slow down the process.

Good luck!

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Hergirl0824)

Post #: 19

RE: Dealing with Release - 11/26/2007 5:48:57 AM

BBBTBW

Posts: 836
Joined: 5/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

I suffered a stroke while I was in labor with my daughter and it took me a long time to recover. I had to learn to do many basic things all over again, luckily the only lingering problem I seem to have is memory. But when I was going through it I felt very vulnerable which is something I hate to feel, I just didn't feel Dominant or like my old self.

I bet your Ma'am is feeling this way and she may feel embarrassed or feel that perhaps you may need someone who is stronger that she feels right now. I have known slaves who when they saw vulnerability in a Dominant, take off and head for the hills. Perhaps she fears that in the back of her mind, it is hard to say. But the best thing you can do is remain in touch with her, show your support but do not apply any pressure to her. Right now she needs time to heal and any stress added to that will slow down the process.

Good luck!

~Lashra

This is what happened to me after a disabling car accident. I had a slave, he had been with me for 18 months. I was in a car accident and was injured. The doctors wanted to amputate and said I would probably be wheelchair dependant for the rest of my life. He couldn't run fast enough. He was gone within 48 hours while I was in the hospital. He left me a note. I heard from him a few years later inquiring about my health. Sarcastically, I told him I was training to run the NYC Marathon He laughed and asked if I was looking for a good slave. Needless to say I haven't been in a wheel chair in 6 years, I don't have any assistive technology and THANK GOD nothing got amputated. I made a full recovery. He is not now nor will he ever by my slave again but I wish him well in his ventures.

To the OP...KEEP FIGHTING. Her world looks daunting to her right now and she knows she will have a long recovery.....but honestly what is the point of having a slave if they are not there to take care of you when you need them most? Do you think if the situation were reversed she would leave or stay? Ask her that.

Ms Loren

_____________________________

"You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means" -- Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 20

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