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RE: Topping from the Bottom - 8/14/2005 2:28:50 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
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i agree that it do not nessesary have to be negative, like you said it is all aboute what the pepole involved wants or do not want. i think it is sad that one thing get so bad a reputation, just becouse some, or even the majority do not like it. If that make your relationship better, then that is wonderful.

(in reply to SherriA)

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Post #: 21

RE: Topping from the Bottom - 8/14/2005 4:35:12 PM

synrgy33

Posts: 61
Joined: 4/4/2005
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I think that Topping from the bottom is a term that is vastly used more amoungst submissives. My Sir and I had this conversation a week ago, about when and where do you hear the words "topping from the bottom"

I have been told a few times that I top from the bottom during scenes. For example, being cuffed to the cross, hands above the head, and hanging there for awhile.. I'm sorry if my hands go numb (because I have a bad wrist) then my Dominant WANTS/NEEDS to know this information. He'll usually ask me "can you stand a little longer, do you need to come down, or just your arms/hands. IN the end it's HIS decision what goes on and usually my arms are lowered. If we've been sceneing for awhile we can either take a break or end the scene *darnit*... but why break the toy?

I think what one needs to do is define the words "Topping from the bottom" What does it mean to you? It's just like BDSM, there's such a VAST VAST umbrella of terms within BDSM, and I think that Topping from the bottom is one of those things that has a huge umbrella of defintions. What I see as topping from the bottom, may mean something entirely different to Sir.

The other day we had gone grocery shopping and we were on the way home. We've been talking about me re doing our kitchen chairs with new fabric. He was going to stop so we could go in and look at fabric.. I was like "Um Sir, we have meat in the car we can't stop". Does that mean I was topping from the bottom? I think had we gone in, and the meat had spoiled when we got home, I would have been in BIG BIG trouble had I not reminded Him gently that it was not a realistic time for us to stop. One because what a waste of money and two we didn't have the money to waste.

So again, in closing... What does Topping from the bottom really mean??? I mean sure if Sir and I are doing a scene and I say "Hey Sir can You hit me a little bit harder to the left, and oh watch that spot right there on my butt that really hurts or can you please touch me more" if I say all this in a scene, I would think that would be a definite yes to topping from the bottom. Requests like that should be kept for AFTER the scene when the Dominant and the sub take some quiet time and go over a scene. Sir and I always have feedback conversations within a few hours of our play or within a day or two. Sometimes we talk about what happened for several days in a row. He needs to know how I'm feeling and I need to know how He's feeling.

~S~

stephanie~SD~

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"You have to get past the pleasure stage, until you reach the stage of tears.Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses." -:Allophones Karr:-

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Post #: 22

RE: Topping from the Bottom - 8/14/2005 10:21:46 PM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
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To have ones wrists lowerd becouse of health issues is not toppig from the bottom, that is common sense and safty precutions. I get bladder problems if my feet get cold, so if my feet are cold during a sece, i say "Master, i need my feet to get warmer." and he get them warmer, that is a health need and health do go before everything.

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RE: Topping from the Bottom - 8/15/2005 2:15:10 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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I would want .. No, I expect a play partner to tell me immediately anything need to be adjusted. I’m happy if we have a word (not the safe word) but a word, which will indicate that she needs me to check her (verbally). Dumb old me… I though that Topping from the Bottom was when either in or out of play the sub/slave starts dictating things to the Dominant who allows this often out of fear of the partnership splitting up….

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Post #: 24

RE: Topping from the Bottom - 8/15/2005 2:30:21 AM

nella

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From: Norway
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Iron Bear the problem is that many are so arifde of topping from the bottom becouse it has so bad a name they will do anything including risking their own safety to not get involved in the desition making. In my opinion, asking the Dom for somthing is not toppig from the bottom, as long as one respects a no, letting the Dom know what you want is not topping from the bottom, as long as you respect a no, having to say i need so and so for health reasons is definitly not topping from the bottom.

What i see as topping from the bottom is trying to manipulate the Dom, forcing him or her to do thing for you and directing the entire sence. And many Dom`s let it happen, i had this kind play partner once and he told me to give him a list where i had crossed of thing i would like to do, what i would love, what i would not want to do werry mutch and what was a no no, the scale went from 0 to 5, where 0 was a hard limiet, 1 was i can do it, but i definitly dont want to, 2 was i dont care to do this but i have no paticular averion either, 3 meant it sounds fun, 4 means i like this activity alot, and 5 means i must have htis to make a complete session. He looked at my list and then said, ok we will only do the fours and fives, there is no point in doing anything you dont like alot, that left me a bit perplexed, and i did not know what to do realy, for i did not want him to do everything to pleese me, i wanted to pleese him, and even if i would like a few of the fours and fives to be there, it felt strange when he only let himself be dictated by my list. He let me top from the bottom.

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RE: Topping from the Bottom - 8/15/2005 5:32:33 AM

IronBear

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Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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Greetings Nella,

I agree with you and the list you mention is similar to what I have for use with subs and even slaves who I will collar. To me it is part of our contract, which can be revised on a regular basis regarding the Limits. To me it is a good written checklist designed to foster trust and safety. Yes I do know that some Goreans will be in horror about having in a contract a list of limits, but in reality what she has as hard limits would be what I would set as her limits if she said “No Limits”. It’s a safety and care issue from my viewpoint.

BTW, I always enjoy your posts they are mostly to the point and well put.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

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Post #: 26

RE: Topping from the Bottom - 8/15/2005 6:48:54 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
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From: Norway
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quote:

BTW, I always enjoy your posts they are mostly to the point and well put.

Thank you, i respect you alot and i mean alot to hear you say that. i try, but i know little aboute the lifestyle and i often find my luanguage barrier hindering me in what i want to say, and i have a bit of a temper, and while i try to stay away from posts that madke me angry i can not avoid a few snotty coments here and there.

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RE: Topping from the Bottom - 8/15/2005 8:36:59 AM

FTopinMichigan

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Joined: 7/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

So my questions... What is your thoughts on Topping from the Bottom... is it real? Is it a negative to a person or relationship? When is Topping from the Bottom acceptable or is it ever acceptable? Whose problem is it? or is it even a problem in the first place? and any other questions you think is appropriate for the discussion.?

KoM

I've never seen 'topping from the bottom' as a 'problem.'

My favorite partner is a Dom/Top that bottoms. There is nothing more sexy to me, than a dominant man in a very vulnerable position, for me to enjoy. The concept of 'topping from the bottom' is going to be a natural tendancy for this man, as it's his nature to maintain control. As someone that enjoys, and is always IN control, I also believe in mutual fun and satisfaction. There are ways to work around this and enjoy one another. <and no, that doesn't mean I will switch with him>

With much discussion, the 'topping from the bottom' is actually required the first few times we enjoy one another. After a level of comfort and familiarity of interest is developed...then it's ALL mine. <eg> At that point, 'topping from the bottom' would not be encournaged, and might even be punished...but it will always in a fun way.

My submissives have always been able to communicate openly, but never actually 'top from the bottom.'

K

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RE: Topping from the Bottom - 8/15/2005 1:15:05 PM

sudja

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Joined: 2/8/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

Yes it's real and I identify those who script their activities or submit to someone only under a certain set of conditions, sensation seekers not subs, and certainly not slaves. I have also consistently taken the position that anyone who sessions with a "safe-word" is topping from the bottom. How can you argue that position, if by definition the "top" must stop when hearing a certain word?

You forget that the safe word, and the conditions under which it can be used, are determined by agreement between the parties. You have the "total submission" of a person, under those terms, just as they have your "total Domination" with those same terms and conditions.

That you think first of play/sex when you think "submission" though says a lot.

I don't have a "safe word" to use when I'm too tired to make the coffee.

I just make it anyway.

sudja

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RE: Topping from the Bottom - 8/15/2005 1:34:30 PM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

That you think first of play/sex when you think "submission" though says a lot.

sudja,
What comment of ours in this threadm or any other for that matter, are your referencing? But it helps in my side of the argument. If beth had a safe-word on some mornings I bet she'd consider using it instead of getting the regular morning coffee.

I agree that casual submissives need safe-words. That way once they get to the sensation they crave they can turn off the power by safe-wording. To me, it's no different then switching off a vibrator. If that doesn't describe control or topping from the bottom then nothing does.

That's how we see it. Not ever to be intended as a lifestyle requirement.

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RE: Topping from the Bottom - 8/15/2005 2:14:24 PM

nella

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Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
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i dont have a safeword for those reasons, i want to word witch witch to say yes or no just in another word.

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Post #: 31