As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (Full Version)

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SentForu -> As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/4/2004 4:24:45 PM)

I am inexperienced. Thinking I have submissive tendancies. After talking to Masters of all different prospectives, have found it hard to tell if He would be the one whom I would be willing to give myself over to...in the long run. Anyone have any suggestions please?......[:)]



ScorpioMaster -> RE: As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/4/2004 5:41:04 PM)

The truth is you can never tell unless you feel the chemsitry. You also got to worry about wannabes and those who they think being a dominate means they use and abuse women. I would suggest get the book SM 101 read up first so you know if those you talk with are for real. Also seek out the local munch and slosh groups in your area. There are also trainers or mentor who will train and teach you. I beleave the subs and slaves I have should have the same kind of information I have so they can make sure I am being safe. Good luck with your search and becareful. ScorpioMaster



TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/4/2004 5:41:08 PM)

Take your time. This isn't a race. Talk to lots of people. Subs, slaves, Masters/Mistresses, Dom/mes. Read everything you can get your hands on. Ask lots of questions. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Go to a munch. Go to a play party. Don't be afraid to say no. Don't be afraid to say yes.

This lifestyle is more about self-knowledge than any other aspect of my life. 8 years in to it and I am still figuring out what makes it work for me.

Yours,
Taggard



SentForu -> RE: As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/4/2004 7:22:14 PM)

Thanks to both of you. After talking to many professed Doms, I've just found myself a bit confused...lol. But, maybe given time and experience, I'll know more of what I'm doing. Another question please...what is a munch and how do you find one?



Sinergy -> RE: As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/4/2004 7:34:05 PM)

I have to agree with ScorpioMaster and Taggard. The problem with being a newbie submissive is the self-professed Doms will descend like vultures.

A "munch" is a meeting of like minded people in your area. I dont know where you are, but here in Los Angeles we have the Sportsman's Lodge which is affiliated with The Lair De Sade (http://www.lairdesade.com) and various munches in Burbank, Orange County, etc., which you can find on Yahoo searching for munch or bdsm groups. They are usually held in a public place and the setting is vanilla. Find a bdsm community local to you and ask around.

I would suggest being a bit suspicious of offers to "mentor" you. While some people might be ok, I have seen a lot of "mentors" who really use the act of mentoring as a way to build their stable of play partners up. A mentor who I would recommend would be somebody who has no interest in you personally; like a Domme (if you are a woman) who only Tops men.

The comment about it not being a race is a good one. I would also suggest asking if you can go watch a Dom(me) with a partner (rather than one who plays around) scene with their partner. Take your time. For a woman submissive, there are a long line of male Doms seeking you. The same is not true for a male submissive seeking a Domme; the line is long for the few Dommes out there.

The most important thing to me is chemistry. It is either there or it isnt. Trust your feelings :)

Good luck!

Anyway, the preceeding is my opinion, could be wrong, etc.

Sinergy



Laura -> RE: As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/4/2004 7:56:08 PM)

Good luck SentForu. I'm going to my first munch this Tuesday. Pretty sure I don't want to go but I'm doing it anyway. Who knows? Maybe the people who go to munches are not just like the people you tend to meet online. At least I won't still be a munch virgin. Always look for that silver lining. ;)



TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/4/2004 11:49:33 PM)

As usual, Sinergy offers great advice.

One point I'd like to add upon:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy
For a woman submissive, there are a long line of male Doms seeking you. The same is not true for a male submissive seeking a Domme; the line is long for the few Dommes out there.


While this is true, not all the men in the Dom line are actually quality available Doms. There is a thread on b.com in which most participants figured, once you remove the posers, online-only, married men, subs looking to bottom from the top, and those simply looking to get some action by pretending to be kinky, the ratio of availiable subs to available doms is something between 4:1 and 10:1.

These pseudo-Doms will talk a good game (and I should know, I was one of them), but will leave a sub feeling only more confused after the encounter has run its course.

Pay attention to the advice here, and you will be fine. And play safely...set up safe calls, practice safer sex, use safewords.

Yours,
Taggard



SentForu -> RE: As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/5/2004 12:08:30 AM)

As I have found so far, the advise in here seems to be worth listening to. And, I thank you all. Will continue to be very safe and as picky as I already am...lol. Wondering if that's actually a good thing????...lol. Bet it pays to be as picky as myself though, would think it'd keep you from making as many mistakes. Anyways, take care ya'll.



TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/5/2004 12:15:17 AM)

Since this is an advice thread, I'll throw one more old saw out there:

Don't fear mistakes, fear missed opportunities.

Yours,
Taggard



ShadeDiva -> RE: As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/5/2004 8:46:55 PM)

Hmmmm.

I'd add to the mistake thingie.

Don't fear mistakes - see them for what they truely are - an opportunity to learn and grow.

Mistakes are lessons. Ignore the lesson, and you'll make the same mistake again. Learn, and you'll make a different mistake to learn from - that is, IF you are paying attention. *smile*

There is NO fault in making a mistake, there is however fault in not LEARNING from said mistake.

JMO, FWIIW.

~ShadeDiva



Leonidas -> RE: As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/7/2004 9:49:17 AM)

The answer to that question can be noplace but within you. Since you are describing yourself as "possibly submssive" I would be willing to bet that you have fantasies in which you are submitting to something or someone. What are those like? What are you doing? What is being done to you? There are about as many answers to these questions as there are "possibly submissive" women. When you have these fantasies, write them down. If your fantasies aren't very well formed, consider reading some D/s oriented erotica. Write down the passages that "do it" for you. You'll start to develop a picture of what it is that excites you about the notion of submission. The nature of your fantasies will also tell you whether submission is only about your sex life, or whether it is more a whole life choice for you.

Once you have done this, the next step is pretty straightforward. Talk to potential doms about what they are looking for in a submissive woman. Get them to tell you how they envision their life with a submissive woman in it. What would the day-to-day routine be like? Would there be contact with the public "scene"? What would be expected of you? Do more asking than telling. Do their interests match yours? That out of the way, apply the old cold-war adage "trust, but verify". Get to know how and where he lives. What he does for a living. His objectives in life. This can happen in online conversations, or in person, but certainly before you beg or accept a collar from him. There are several outlets online that will do a background check for you. Get his permission to do one, and then do it. Get references, and check them. If you get any sense here that he is hedging or not telling you the whole story, you are probably right. Trust your instincts.

These are, of course, all common sense answers to your question. If you were hoping for some silver-bullet answer that would justify rushing into something that you know better than in the first place, sorry, no dice. When women get themselves hurt in this lifestyle, it is seldom because they weren't smart enough to know what to do, it was becasue they knew better, and did it anyway.

Take care of yourself.

Leonidas



Sinergy -> RE: As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/7/2004 11:14:00 AM)

quote:

As usual, Sinergy offers great advice.


Thank you very much.

Sinergy

On a side note, I heard an interview with Getty Lee (Rush) who said that what keeps the band going is their willingness to experiment. He said that in his opinion one learns more from their mistakes than their successes.

I agree with that statement, although as a long time teacher I would have to say I feel I learned a lot more from my students then they ever learned from me.



SentForu -> RE: As an inexperienced possible submissive...how do you know what to look for in a Master? (7/7/2004 7:24:28 PM)

Thank you Leonidas. That's very helpful, makes sense. I have found that it is a lot more difficult dating in this fashion, than your everyday dating scene. It's a little more complicated, though I sense it's well worth it. I could probably sit down and answer everyone of those questions. As for being submissive, one really can't tell unless they have actual experience. You can say if you have those tendancies or not. You know your fantasies and those...umm...dark desires...lol. Anyways, thanks a bunch to all of you....[:D]



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