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RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/24/2007 9:37:00 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

greetings ladypact,

i think what you did was very appropriate. unless you are on conversational terms with the other domme, i would really not worry too much about speaking to her - she may be the one who needs to be spoken to more than he does for obviously overstepping herself, but she's the least likely to listen. reinforcing for him what the rules are is the most important thing - that is, his relationship with you comes first and he needs your permission to serve others. all that aside, serving others does NOT come before his relationship to you. i wouldn't have made a huge issue out of it punishment-wise, just had a talk with him about it and made sure he understood where he went wrong and that it should not happen again.

respectfully,
annabelle.

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a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 21

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/24/2007 9:54:01 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Does your submissive know there is an expectation that you are always his priority? If he did and put you second, deal with that. If he didn't and put you second, teach him. Are there rules in place for him so he knows what to do when other dominants call him, because it appears as though there are not. It may be time to create some.

I can't see myself getting punished for something I did not understand, but I would be corrected and taught. Such errors are learning opportunities, and afterward I am expected to demonstrate evidence of my understanding (by explaining it orally or in writing).

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 22

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/24/2007 10:43:48 PM

PlayfulGoddess

Posts: 66
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

I do have a question...

How did your collared submissive get the phone call? Did the Domme call into your home and you passed the call thru, or was it on HIS CELL PHONE and if that is the answer I wonder:

Why is he on the phone when in your presence?

I would find it rude if a "mere" friend were taking the time away from "our time" to be chatting on the phone with someone else--much less a person who SUPPOSEDLY offered himself up to you and was collared.

To me it sort of falls into the "cheating boyfriend/husband" category...

Why do wives/girlfriends get ticked off at the 'other woman'???

While she may be brazenly trying to poach your man, it IS HE THAT ACCEPTED THE COLLAR!!!!

That is where the "needing to deal with it" conversation needs to begin..

Just my thoughts on the subject...

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 23

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/24/2007 10:47:36 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayfulGoddess

Why is he on the phone when in your presence?

I wondered this also but figured she allows him phone calls while with her, else he would not have answered.

(in reply to PlayfulGoddess)

Post #: 24

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/24/2007 11:59:05 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

At first blush the other Domme's behaviour seems outrageous! You always ring another Domme if you want to borrow her sub/slave/partner. Its D/s scene social suicide otherwise!

BUT I suspect she doesn't even know that your boy is in a committed D/s relationship with you. Why else would she ring him, instead of you? Obviously you gals know eachother.

Which makes me wonder whether your boy is "keeping his options open". Courting other Dommes here and there, including offering to be their driver? You are married. Maybe he wants a single Domme to love and adore who can be his wife one day (which is not an unreasonable dream, is it?)

You two need a chat about fidelity. What level of commitment and exclusivity do you expect from the boy, notwithstanding that you are not monogamous or exclusive yourself?

"Collared" means different things to different people. Time for a chat about the nature of your relationship

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 11/25/2007 12:12:58 AM >

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 25

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/25/2007 12:04:26 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I would have handled it in much the same way as You LadyPact. Though being collared, he would have (should have) learned that lesson previously. I am not punishment-orientated, so would have gone down the discussion path. I thought Aakasha also asked some good questions, I would want to know who she was and why she chose to ask him before jumping in. That said, I would also be having a little word with her next time I came into contact with her and reminding her of her manners!
Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 26

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/25/2007 5:55:31 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Was the dominant on the phone interacting with him in a dominant/submissive dynamic? Does he have a crush on her?
Or was she just some schmoe who needed help with a ride? Would he have done the same for a male dominant?
Would you have been as upset if a female submissive was calling for help with a ride?
Was he speaking to her as a submissive, or as a male friend?
Those are the kinds of things that would impact my emotional reaction to the situation.

Akasha

Yeah, those are good questions.

Personally I cover this sort of thing in training. While it is lovely to be helpful to the community any and all help must be cleared with me first before offered. Also I tend to train my slaves and submissives to stand up for themselves so if someone said "Hey arrange me a ride" they reply "You'll need to talk to my trainer/owner first, excuse now" and move on or if it's on the phone add "You may want to call her or send her an email unless you'd like me to see if she's accepting calls right now" -- my bet is that this stops anyone who wants to make a move on another person's sub or slave. If someone really needs help, they should have interacted enough with my household to know that I'm the person you call here -- not Tom, not Fox, not any other sub or slave, but me for anything.

This in all actuality is some fairly good advice....But at the same time I'm not a micro kind of guy....But what are the actual motivations of the "other" person are of serious importance. I don't need my sub putting "our" business out on display for all to partake in. This is where common sense has to come into play. If I know the person then I can only assume that they are a friend of mine and that their intentions are honorable....However, all of my friends would be calling me not my sub unless they were in a real jam and she picked up the phone and I was not available...That is the way the world works...If I don't know the other person involved then I would expect to have knowledge of the situation at hand. Giving someone a "ride" is usually just that. If I wasn't around and subsusie said she gave a friend a lift I wouldn't get into a twist over it. However, if I felt the other person's intentions were more than just needing a ride, then I have a serious problem....Not with the person who seeks my sub's attentions, But that my sub is either unable to see the other person's motivations or worse possibly feels the same way.

The reality is I can't be there and don't want to be looking over my sub's shoulders 24/7...I have to have trust in her judgment as well as place the trust in that she wants to be with me.....Once I feel that one or both of these are no longer in place....I have a serious problem that must be dealt with.

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Post #: 27

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/25/2007 5:59:32 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Popping back on to again thank those who responded. I always appreciate comments when I start up a thread.

Just to clear up the particulars, yes, My boy does keep his cell phone with him when he is here at My home. Nature of the beast due to what he does for a living. He does have to be able to be reached, so the cell phone itself isn't the issue.

Actually, the whole thing turned out rather well. As I said in the OP, W/we did have a long talk about expectations and protocol. When he was permitted to call her back, he did explain to her that it wasn't proper. (In the OP, I did say she was a so-called domme, meaning she is very new to the lifestyle. That was Me being kind. The truth is she hasn't a clue about it and is barely getting her feet wet.) I highly doubt it will be happening again.

Anyway, at least it was a different topic than those that seem to appear over and over.

Thanks again to everyone for their input. I really did enjoy the discussion.

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 28

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/25/2007 8:03:38 AM

MamaDomme

Posts: 283
Joined: 12/28/2006
Status: offline

Lady Pact, I always admire your posts and I feel that you give such wonderful advice. I am glad to hear it all worked out well as this is one that I have really been curious about.

Looks like you are having to train the new Domme in protocol as well as your boy!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 29

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/25/2007 9:28:17 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

LadyPact,

Responding to your OP, I'd have done the same in a situation where a sub wasn't experienced or knew my preferred protocols in that area.

From what little I've seen of you two together, I assume it fell in the realm of misunderstanding/inexperience/over-eagerness rather than disregard or willfull disobedience, so I agree with your approach. It's a situation I'd see as requiring a serious talk so that the sub understood better what is expected of them.

And other agreements with your post.

Regarding the domme, in most situations no; I'd not involve her.

I tend to handle and view such the same as in vanilla relationships: it's the partners who have agreed to the relationship who are in charge of upkeeping it's boundaries. In this case your submissive had the opportunity to say, "wait, I need to ask Milady" or even, "Hold on, you'll need to ask Milady". So he had options in how he handled it.

I tend to only involve a dominant if their actions weren't something a sub had an option in... say, randomly walking up and grabbing their ass or something.

Now, depending on how the call was handled by the person in question may shape my or my sub's future interactions with them... depending on if they called asking or telling.

Those are my thoughts... Great seeing you both!
Rumpus

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 30

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/25/2007 9:41:34 AM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

(In the OP, I did say she was a so-called domme, meaning she is very new to the lifestyle. That was Me being kind. The truth is she hasn't a clue about it and is barely getting her feet wet.)

Ah, that explains a lot. Thanks for the clarification! Dominance is instinctive behavior, but courtesy must be learned. Perhaps she learned something from the incident as well.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 31

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/25/2007 9:52:28 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

Now having read the rest:

LadyPact, glad to hear it worked out and again that's much as I'd've handled it: explaining to the sub and then letting them address the boundary issue, that way they are handling their end of the relationship with others.

Chiming in on general discussion that came up:

I'm the sort that may call either the dom or sub in a favor situation and do not mind if it occurs to my relationships. -So long as respect is maintained.

I may call and ask the dominant directly, or I may call and ask the sub -expecting and respecting that they need to check with their dominant first. It depends on the situation and the couple in question, what I know of their dynamic, etc and heck, in some cases I've only known the sub in a relationship.

Same on the receiving end, and that's why I brought up the ask/tell difference before. I don't mind when someone asks a favor directly to one who is under my authority, so long as they respect that they may need to check with me before agreeing to something and are *asking*, not *telling*, the sub to handle something.

Now, if I know both people so I can ask the dominant I always do so for less generic of things... service towards me as a dominant or for play or any such.

There's a world of difference, to me at least, between asking someone to grab me a soda because they're up getting one at the fridge and asking them to get up and go get me one because they are submissive.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to RumpusParable)

Post #: 32

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/25/2007 10:09:18 AM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

thanks for the responses to the post my M'Lady presented they do help
the other "dom" is indeed new to the lifestyle as i introduced her a couple of months ago, and as she is a classmate i see every day i do treat her a s a friend . when i explained the situation to he she didnt under stand an as directed i refered her to another to get more information on the subject. i did not do a intention disrespect to my M'Lady but as i am a bit of a eager one i misteped myself a bit and had to be corrcted. i do thank all of you for the oppourtunity to learn more of the lifestyle
LPs_littleclip

(in reply to RumpusParable)

Post #: 33

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/25/2007 10:23:45 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I'm glad this all worked out well. And glad that I provided a laugh! :)

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Post #: 34

RE: Exactly who are we serving? - 11/25/2007 10:35:26 AM

YesMistressIrish

Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: catleggs

Hello LP,

It's a bit of a sticky one to answer because everyone will have a different ocurse of action. In any event, I'll share my opinion. lol
As for punishment, well, that one is up to you and how you fell about the situation. If it was warrented, what kind of punishment, and of course how severe. I read where you said he may be inexperienced to understand. Fair enough.

The way I see it if he is collared logic would dictate that he answer to no other without your permission. That said, since the misdeed was done, I would not convey my thoughts to the dominant directly, I would, rather, make him explain to the dominant, his situation (that he IS collared and answers to you). This will not only have a touch of humiliation but hopefully cement in his mind that you are the one in control and he is not to take things upon himself without your expressed aproval.
After that, any punishment or if you punish is purly a personal desire. Myself, I would punish, but hey, I'm a bitch like that. lol

Cat

I agree with catleggs. By the way I really like your Mae West quote!
And, if he was new, no punishment needed, just education and communication.

A little corner time might be a good idea though because if he had thought it out he would know to ask his Domme first before he serves another domme Lady Pact, don't you think?

Also, if the domme knew he was your's, why would she ask him directly instead of coming to you first? I might email her with a diplomatic request to ask me first. (I am still having a groggy Sunday morning so I may have missed something in the OP.)

I believe we all serve eachother in our respective roles.

Irish
"I only have 'yes' men around me. Who needs 'no' men?" - Mae West

(in reply to catleggs)

Post #: 35

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