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Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 5:00:17 AM   
cyberchicdoll


Posts: 21
Joined: 10/18/2007
Status: offline 		If a Master decides to "leave" the lifestyle for a while, but has friends still in the lifestyle should he give up his friends, and not go to bdsm stores and be in bdsm chatrooms and sites? 
This is a question that effects someone very close to me and i am in a quandry as i am one of the friends he would no longer see. He split up with s submissive and gave it all up r/t with her . She seems to think that if he has given up r/t with her he shouldnt be in any way keeping lifestyle contacts. 
Please let me know what you think, as this is one i cant really comment on as i am totally biased lol
cyberchicdoll

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 5:03:15 AM   
TwiztdErotic


Posts: 155
Joined: 10/13/2007
Status: offline 		friends are friends, regardless of how you met. I don't see how his decision to split with his sub should play any factor.

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 5:10:49 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		It sounds like he has made the decision to be with her by his own volition giving up former contacts & friends in the BDSM world.There is no right or wrong with an adult making the decision to focus on one aspect of their life, or to back off from another aspect in their life. If he wasn't comfortable then I would imagine he would have told her no,he is not dropping chatrooms and sites to appease her.But... it may not be just to appease her. Maybe he is tired of it all and wants a change?It could be the newness of this relationship as well, sometimes a new relationship can be pretty intense and 'old friends' fall by the wayside while they explore each other. I can really find a ton of possible reasons behind it, the key word being possible. Do you know for an absolute fact that he is giving up the lifestyle for her, with no other reason behind it?

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 5:12:17 AM   
Sabella


Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline 		So he split up with her - but gave up the lifestyle for her? This doesn't make any sense.

I think she's forgetting the most important rule (IMHO) regarding relationships - you can't change anyone else. She's expecting him to change an integral part of his life, not just a minor habit like how he ties his shoes or whether he likes his coffee with cream. Asking someone to give up a favourite hobby or friends is asking them to change a core part of who they are. Not a good idea and one sure to backfire, sooner or later.

~2 Cents~


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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 6:03:25 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		It is a well known fact that a Dom upon leaving the lifestle must give up every connection to that lifestyle.  There can be no acknowledgement of those who have chosen to no longer follow this path. He must be shunned...His name or any word that rhymes with his name can no longer be spoke. 

It's one of the more unglamorous aspects of wiitwd that is seldom brought up when one is choosing whether this is something to pursue.

I am going through a dilemma of my own ....Please help...Please help me.

I used to eat at Applebees but I have chose to no longer go there, is it appropriate for me to carry on a conversation with all of the good, hard working and red hot sexy people that I met who worked there?....Or would the sting of my betrayal (For I now only dine at Chilis) be to much for them to take and maybe they would prefer if I avoided all contact?.....Any thoughts?

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 7:05:24 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		Seems he isn't a Master as much as he is being mastered. Personally, I wouldn't give up a damn thing. If she wants to be with me then she'll be with me as I am. Friends, kinky hang-ups and all.

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 7:32:57 AM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		I guess I'm not totally understanding the background. Did he say he was giving up the lifestyle? or that he was ending the relationship? or that he's still with her but not doing the lifestyle stuff now?

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 7:38:31 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		I like people based on who they are. Saying he should give up lifestyle friends now is like saying he should have given up his non lifestyle friends before. Every time you draw a line you limit yourself.

Jeff

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 8:44:27 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

Seems he isn't a Master as much as he is being mastered. Personally, I wouldn't give up a damn thing. If she wants to be with me then she'll be with me as I am. Friends, kinky hang-ups and all.

Pretty much what I would have said; only from my point of view.

His friends are his friends; no matter what they may or may not be into; they are still his friends.

Thats like asking if a divorced woman or man has to give up his/her married friends simply because he/she is no longer married.

Pretty silly if you ask me.

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 10:35:33 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cyberchicdoll
She seems to think that if he has given up r/t with her he shouldnt be in any way keeping lifestyle contacts. 



What she thinks is irrelevant.

Celeste

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 10:39:20 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		Maybe he decided all on his own that he wanted his life to go in a different direction.
Really.. there is no way to know unless you flat out ask him. It sounds to me like your feelings are hurt and you feel like a friend has abandoned you but it isn't likely he is being forced into anything.

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 10:45:52 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cyberchicdoll

If a Master decides to "leave" the lifestyle for a while, but has friends still in the lifestyle should he give up his friends, and not go to bdsm stores and be in bdsm chatrooms and sites? 
This is a question that effects someone very close to me and i am in a quandry as i am one of the friends he would no longer see. He split up with s submissive and gave it all up r/t with her . She seems to think that if he has given up r/t with her he shouldnt be in any way keeping lifestyle contacts. 
Please let me know what you think, as this is one i cant really comment on as i am totally biased lol
cyberchicdoll


So... he broke up with a submisisve and doesn't have any real time contact with her so now she thinks he shouldn't have any real time contact with anyone in the BDSM lifestyle?

I dunno about other people but I tend to not care what my exs think of what I do with my life. It's no longer their business.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 11:42:26 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm a little confused. I think you're saying that he told his ex he didn't want to be in a d/s relationship with her anymore. And now she's insisting he can't go to public parties where she also may be because in her view, he's turned vanilla. Is this correct? If not please clarify.

Lots of people go out with friends even if they aren't looking to pick people up. I've gone out to sports bars for dinner and drinks with friends even though I don't like sports. The not liking the activity or in this case, not wanting to participate, doesn't mean they don't like their friends and don't want to see them anymore. People who play sports still attend practice and games even if they're out on the injured list. The fact they aren't doing it right now doesn't mean they aren't interested at all.

Nor does it mean that although he met these friends at a dungeon somewhere, he can't continue the weekly poker game at one of their homes.

If you're saying he's dating a vanilla and she feels uncomfortable with him going to dungeons in full top dress, that's something for them to negotiate. She might be fine with him getting together in sweats to play cards or have a pickup touch football game.

Not enough info.

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 2:09:20 PM   
cyberchicdoll


Posts: 21
Joined: 10/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanatru

I guess I'm not totally understanding the background. Did he say he was giving up the lifestyle? or that he was ending the relationship? or that he's still with her but not doing the lifestyle stuff now?

To clarify the point. He has left his submissive, they both agreed face to face that it was not working . He is taking a break, hes not saying he will not have another submisive just that he is not activly seeking any new submissive. 
My point of view is that friends in any walk of life are hard to find so cherish those you have.  Friends in the lifestyle are even harder to find so you need to cherish them maybe more. 
I was hurt on his behalf that she was trying to guilt him into soemthing i couldnt guess what it was. The comment that he should give everything up while he only wanted a rest from tha constant mind games was a bit bitter i think.
Dominguy i can respect you point of view in people who give up the lifestyle but can only hope you have a tough hide and never need a support network of people when your heart (if you have one) is shreded by circumstances beyond your control.
If its a god given rule you leave the lifestyle you have to completly sever all contacts what is the point of calling some one a friend they are people you are using be they other Dominants or subs. If you would dump them as easy  as it appears that you would. It seems to me that your opinion of the scene is one big club where you are either a member or you arent, life isnt like that. There are lots of grey areas. I am glad for you if you have no grey areas but you are a rare human being Betrayal is a big word it says that to leave the lifestyle you have to have broken some rule that is written in stone.  People write the rules and urban legends perpetuate what people pass on .  This one urban legend i think i can live with out.
Thank you all so far for offering your experinces and advice. Please keep posting i am genuinely intersted. 
cyberchicdoll

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 3:42:22 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cyberchicdoll

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanatru

I guess I'm not totally understanding the background. Did he say he was giving up the lifestyle? or that he was ending the relationship? or that he's still with her but not doing the lifestyle stuff now?

To clarify the point. He has left his submissive, they both agreed face to face that it was not working . He is taking a break, hes not saying he will not have another submisive just that he is not activly seeking any new submissive. 
My point of view is that friends in any walk of life are hard to find so cherish those you have.  Friends in the lifestyle are even harder to find so you need to cherish them maybe more. 
I was hurt on his behalf that she was trying to guilt him into soemthing i couldnt guess what it was. The comment that he should give everything up while he only wanted a rest from tha constant mind games was a bit bitter i think.
Dominguy i can respect you point of view in people who give up the lifestyle but can only hope you have a tough hide and never need a support network of people when your heart (if you have one) is shreded by circumstances beyond your control.
If its a god given rule you leave the lifestyle you have to completly sever all contacts what is the point of calling some one a friend they are people you are using be they other Dominants or subs. If you would dump them as easy  as it appears that you would. It seems to me that your opinion of the scene is one big club where you are either a member or you arent, life isnt like that. There are lots of grey areas. I am glad for you if you have no grey areas but you are a rare human being Betrayal is a big word it says that to leave the lifestyle you have to have broken some rule that is written in stone.  People write the rules and urban legends perpetuate what people pass on .  This one urban legend i think i can live with out.
Thank you all so far for offering your experinces and advice. Please keep posting i am genuinely intersted. 
cyberchicdoll



Hate to say it, but now it is even more confusing.

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 4:01:23 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		I think it translates into: He broke up with her, now she says he can't have any lifestyle friends because he broke up with her and therefore is obviously vanilla now.

I think.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 4:06:30 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Once the relationship is over, what she wants or thinks really has no sway over anything. My exhusbad wanted me to give up gaming when we broke up, becasue it was "our thing", and I told him to go to hell.  I do not give up MY friends and MY enjoyments for an EX. No matter who they are.
She might be bitter becasue she thinks if he is leaving the lifestyle and giving her up becasue of that that any interaction with it means it was an excuse to get away from her. And it may well have been, but as a sub she should know better than even thinking that a Master s going to give everything up becasue she says so.

DV


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VampiresLair

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 4:11:29 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I can see that you are afraid of losing him as a friend...but it is his choice whether or not to have contact with anyone in or outside of the life-style.
Sometimes people just need to take a break...it does apear as though you are concerned about her influence over him after this break-up and I find that interesting... .

(also don't take everything that people say here at total face value... it is possible that someone  may be using sarcastic humor to make a point....)

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 5:38:22 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		A friend is a friend- lifestyle choice is irrelevant.  If someone allows another to break the relationship, it's obvious what they value and it's not your friendship.

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RE: Lifestyle friends are for life? - 11/26/2007 8:18:17 PM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		cyberchicdoll, you may not be aware, but Domiguy often says things tongue-in-cheek.

Thanks for the clarification. For her to say that is simply sour grapes and I doubt will mean much to him. I've been in that place before: desiring a break from the lifestyle after a bad relationship. That he should give up his friends is laughable, and I doubt very much that he echoed her sentiments.

Edit: talk with HIM about it. I'm sure he'll have a lot better idea of what HE plans than she does. *grin*

< Message edited by Vanatru -- 11/26/2007 8:19:02 PM >

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