RE: A lil introduction and some questions.

RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Dari -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/26/2007 4:51:17 PM)
quote: To me, BDSM is purely sexual. You enjoy X, Y and Z and it stops once you pull your pants back up. Sub/dom relationships appear to be more than sexual and don't necessarily stop. I see them as 2 distinct and separate activities. Oh dear. Um - BDSM is, specifically, B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and Submission), and S&M (Sadism and Masochism). A lot of it gets all mixed up together, and many of us use the various phrases interchangeably. But since you're researching - it is possible to explore a great many things in all three areas, without ever having sex. You may see them as two distinct and separate activities, but I can't help but wonder why we should bother to accept your definition of our activities, since you've very clearly stated that you're not part of this group?

LadySeraphina -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/26/2007 5:04:21 PM)
Neill, You must try to remember that sometimes the phrasing we use doesn't change the concept - my consort is 'not allowed' to cut his hair, because I think it's beautiful hanging to his shoulders in curls. If he came to me and told me he really couldn't stand it, we would talk, and perhaps I would 'allow' him to cut it. If I refused, it would simply be my asking him to put my preferences ahead of his own, which is something we have agreed to when we entered into this relationship. I also keep a slave. He craves his slavery, and cherishes his life with us. After he signed his slave contract, he asked to see it so often that I finally printed him up a copy he could take with him (he doesn't live with us yet). He feels a sense of pride in belonging to me, and I cherish him. I take care of him, and I help him explore the things he is interested in, and some he didn't know he would enjoy. In addition, I do most of the talking for them when we go shopping or dealing with people. I make most of the decisions of what/where to eat, et cetera. We are all introverts, but when I have one or both of my boys with me, you would never know it, because taking care of them gives me an additional assertiveness that buoys me. It's not that I am weaker on my own, but that being in charge of another life gives me purpose. My boys are intelligent, well-spoken, thoughtful people, and I value their input. Part of our dynamic is that once I've heard their opinions, I make the final call. Does that sound unfair to you? Perhaps, but all of us agree that is best, and have you ever tried to run your day-to-day life by committee? The biggest thing you have to remember is that unless you are in that particular person's situation, with their personal history, you cannot really know what they feel, no matter how well we try to explain it to you. As they say, your mileage may vary. Just remember that everything we do is consensual, even if it may not look like it to outsider's eyes. Lady Seraphina

Maya2001 -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/26/2007 5:32:10 PM)
Hello and welcome I am a submissive and would like to tell you a bit about myself and then ask you do I sound like a person with low self esteem or doormat??? I entered the lifestyle roughly 1/2 a year ago at age 48, so no naive kid I was married at 19 and left at 21 due to severe abuse taking our then 9 month old child with me with the aid of the police inorder leave, my ex was not in BDSM but a control freak that no respect for me and had to go into hiding for a few years to protect myself and my son from harm because I choose to leave. During that time I went back to school and studied to become a computer programmers/systems analyst inorder to have a means to support my son and myself not wanting to be a welfare mom as I wanted a better future than that for myself and my son, to pay tuition had to take out a goverment loan, I graduated at the top of my class and later spent 2 years working in the field paying off my loan which including doing a government sub contract b at that time realized that the work hours, that included the work I had to bring home with me daily robbed me of provided quality time as a mother as I was often having to work 16 hour days so quit and tried other jobs including private investigator, finally found that factory work though not mentally stimulating provided the hours and sufficient income to make it on my own and provided me with the time I needed to be a parent as well and have been doing ever since, other than an 7 year common law relationship I single handedly raised my son, supported myself ended up buying my own house, got involved as a volunteer for greyhound rescue, boyscouts/army cadets chauffering kids to camps and even started my own part time business, my son is now grown and I have 2 wonderful grandchildren that mean the world to me. I do have strong views on justice there was one supervisor at work that was humiliating workers if they were struggling to learn one of the harder jobs with his comments to them being very discriminatory, we had a lot of new workers hired at the time and being on probations they were too afraid to stick up for their rights , to me this was a sickening abuse of power so I reported it, I was so angry at the time the company had to call the union to talk to me and talk me out of file it with the human rights commission because it would have result in a firing and fine and allow it to be handle internally instead, the only way I would agree is if the incident was added to his employment record that way if it happened again it could be used against him as well as a record kept with the union to ensure I would not be unfairly targeted by the company, it is not the first time I stood up for human rights in the workplace, andx most of my co-workers ended up shaking their head not understanding why I would be willing to risk my job for someone I barely know or for a situation that has nothing to do with me, for me I don't wanted to be treated like a door mat and I am not will to sit back and watch others being treated that way either, My current Dom did not want a weak woman instead values me for my strengths against adversity and my accomplishments, respects that fact I will not abandon my family, give up my job and put my retirement income in jeopardy even for him and that if we are to live together has shown him that I am sensible and have strong character, that is what he treasures, he knows if we are to live together that he will be the other that will have to move to me, submission is not me giving up who I am , is would be giving him the gift of my body and heart over to him and allowing him to treasure and care for it, Activities like bondage, flogging, caning, whippings, are not delivered just for the sake to inducing pain that is the last thing a dominant want, the activities when done by gaining trust and introduced slowly and carefully helps to induce intense arousal and orgasms which is a benefit to both parties the power exchange is part of the means to achieve that goal. A successful relationship is built on trust, respect, honesty, requires strong open communication on both sides inorder to achieve with the powerplay helping to create a strong stimulating sexual relationship as well , these are the foundations of a healthy relationship, I could be in a 50/50 relationship but if the sex life becomes mundane and dull after a few years , how healthy will that relationship be???? Many family consellors are actually recommending adding kink or d/s d/m type relationship plays inorder to rekindle relationships where the couples sex lives have died off inorder to salvage their relationship, so if it can be used to help save commited relations , it only makes sense that is also has the ability to enhance and prevent a realtionship from breaking down sexually in the first place. One of the things I have noted since my participation is the majority involved especially those that have been involved for several years, both subs and doms alike are highly intellectual people and it would be only natural that for them that in a straight sexual relationship with no kinks they would become bored over time, bdsm has a lot of room to grow and explore and applying allows for a creative outlet so may almost be necessary inorder to have healthy fullfilling longterm relationships for many. As for my training it is focusing I on my writing and verbal skills encouraging me to include detail and greater use of adjectives --- so self improvement and also learning about him and how to please him sexually. As for dress, he may not enjoy certain garments I have as they make me look dowdy and will comment on, I see nothing wrong with him wanting me to look attractive in his eyes

laurell3 -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/26/2007 5:48:48 PM)
You have alot more learning to do OP and your mind really isn't all that open. I agree, however, there are things I read here that concern me as well, however, keep in mind some of the things you read are written by people who are clueless or who really do not participate in d/s or bdsm at all. If your only venue of learning is the internet and reading anonymous posts, your education may suffer. I would suggest you find some people here with some experience that seem to speak rationally and actually speak to them rather than just reading forum postings and internet information. If you find posts here wherein the D type actually approaches d/s in the manner you seem to believe we all do, you will find an overwhelming response by this community that they are harmful and ridiculous. I've actually never seen any relationship that truly has a 50/50 balance, even vanilla relationships have one person in more control than the other, it's just how people relate. While d/s relationships can be skewed one way, you should understand that in reality it's a bit more balanced than many Dom/mes might want to believe or admit. The slave/submissive choses to submit and they aren't weak, unconfident, inferior or brainwashed to do it. You would be suprised at just how competent, productive and sucessful many of the submissives here are in their vanilla lives. Everyone in every relationship gives up things. If I don't paticularly care what I wear that day and he does, what difference does it make either way? All relationships would be healthier if more people acquiesed on inconsequential details that were important to others. I may negotiate, but I don't acquiese on things that are important to me, and neither do most people I know. It is quite possible that wiitwd will never make sense to you, however to assume that it is sickening because of some perception that subs/slaves are treated like puppies or kittens is to be misinformed and lack understanding. However, I'm guessing that your real hesitation isn't with the relationship structure at all, but the bdsm and that is a whole other ballgame.

midnightwench -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/26/2007 5:56:57 PM)
I couldn't have said it better myself... :) Are you sure that I can't play with the ball of twine though?

queerandcurious -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/26/2007 7:24:39 PM)
i'd just like to note that in the military the lower ranks are controlled in a very intense way, they are told what and when to eat, drink, sleep, work, and go to the bathroom. And yet, people enlist voluntarily all the time. Not many people think those people are sick!

bipolarber -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/26/2007 8:04:22 PM)
I guess I'll be the one to list the usual bibliography. Try reading a couple of these books, and perhaps they'll speed your research to a better understanding: 1.) "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" by Molly Devon. A great overview of the BDSM scene. 2. "The Topping Book" and "The Bottoming Book" by Dossie Easton and Katherine Listzt. These focus more on the psychology of D/s, but might help you overcome some of your biasies. 3. "The Sexually Dominant Woman" (A workbook for nervous beginners) by Lady Green. 4. "Different Loving" by Gloria G. Brame. Interesting set of case studies, and several theories behind why this form of relationship is so attractive to many. 5. (my personal favorite) "Wild Side Sex" by Midori. Perhaps one of the most articulate spokespeople for us, Midori runs you through the basics, the inner drives and how BDSM is often the sexual mode preferred by the secure, imaginative, artistic personality types. Plus, her style is an easy read... almost as good as outright pornography! LOL There are plenty of other books out there. I'm sure a lot of the folks writing on this thread can point you to some of the ones they've found useful as well. If you can leave your preconceived notions aside, you might find out some surprising things about us... But, if you continue to be "sickened" by what we do, well, that's your loss. It's nice to know you at least tried to overcome your negative mindset.

astarri -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/26/2007 8:53:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhiteKnuckleRide astarri: In vanilla relationships there are punishments and rewards for behaviour. Agreed, but it seems to me that in a sub/dom relationship, it's the dom that sets them both. In a vanilla relationship, the punishments are generally unspoken (if you're unfaithful, I'll leave you) or, if there's a specific concern, they're discussed (give up the drugs or I'll shop you (and then leave you)) :) Well actually the punishments and rewards are much more integrated in vanilla relationships .... if i did not do the housework he was grumpy ...if dinner wasn't ready he bitched... if i was going out with the girls and came home later than expected he pouted. If i had "pleased" he would bring me roses ....rewards for vanilla husband are sex, poker parties... now i wasnt in a d/s relationship and having more than a few friends their relationships are similar .... rewards for vanilla husband are sex, poker parties and such ....these are rewards with punishments being headaches haha (sorry i crack myself up) Doms "get" something out of the relationship though perhaps not identified as "rewards and punishments" ...i however speak only on behalf of me and since i am not domme i cant really reply to that though if you look at Stephann's post he eludes to some.

catize -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/26/2007 10:10:51 PM)
I, for one, appreciate the effort you made to attempt to understand. I don’t find your post any less ‘open minded’ than many regulars here. Your feelings are honestly expressed. In truth, there are some things that people discuss on this forum that make me think ‘ewwwww’……… but that’s my problem, not theirs! You discuss your ideals of freedom, so let me ask you this. Should I not be free to choose relationships that fulfill my need to submit? Should I seek an equal dynamic because you or others define what freedom entails? For many years I did let others define what type of relationship I should enjoy. I struggled against what I really wanted/needed. As a fairly intelligent and very independent woman it took a long time to accept the truth about myself. Once I allowed myself to stop feeling guilty, I found contentment with intimate partners, a joy that I’d never experienced before. An intense pain session leaves me serene. Humiliation makes me feel pride. When I look up and see his eyes shining with awe at what I am willing and able to do for him, I feel whole. With a dominant, my sexuality is celebrated rather than derided. Consent and mutual respect may seem improbable to you within D/s but those two things are what make it a workable and viable way of life for me. You may never ‘get it’ and that’s okay. There are a lot of things in life that I don’t ‘get’; bungee jumping, bowling, and eating beets comes to mind. Submission has been my bungee jump and it has been one hell of a ride!

Tigrita -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/26/2007 11:30:37 PM)
You have more valid questions, but I do have to say, all the condescending smilies are bugging the crap out of me. I think you're reasonably polite in your post, and smilies don't help sensitive questions go over any better. Training, yes, this is partly semantics, and partly about a structure that some people enjoy. Training for many just means learning and experiencing. For others it means memorizing and following through with rigid protocols because that is the way they like it. Diferent people, vanilla, or BDSM, like learning things in different ways and have diferent expectations. Some poeple really, really like rules and rigid structure. Think kids who love being hall monitors, think bosses out there who like things just-so for no particular reason, think people who constantly sign up for adult classes because they love being a student, some people just really enjoy having things structured in a 'training' atmosphere, there doesn't have to be a reasonable reason for it any more than for why they might like rocky road ice cream whereas you might like strawberry. Punishments... Not everyone has a punishment dynamic. Again, some poeple just plain like that too, like chocolate ice cream. Punishments can be physical, tedious tasks, time-outs, essays, anything the dominant deems effective. Submissives in punishment dynamics enter the relationship consensually, they choose it, even crave it. Just because that is diferent than any relationship you've imagined 'till now doesn't make it unhealthy, just unusual. And many dynamics don't involve punishment per-say. It is more of an obey or leave situation. If you've agreed to a power excange, and don't live up to it, you have no business being there. For some there is a lot of wiggle and negotiation room, for some there isn't. It is up to the people in the relationship to decide if that is healthy for them. As for why we 'tolerate' power exchang... We are here becuase we desire it, crave it, rather than 'tolerate' it, that is an important thing you're missing. I won't speak on micromanaging and petty rules, beecause it isn't really something I have experience with, but I hope someone does. Stephan doesn't have many arbitrary rules for me, and the ones he does are pretty much zero issues with me. Like I'm expected to keep my hair long, and that happens to be the way I like it anyway. If I did choose to cut it one day without asking him, the consequence would probably be a serious discussion about the state of the relationship, a question of why I had made a grasp at power that I had previously chosen to surrender to him, and whether I still considered myself submissive to him and whether the relationship could continue given my new mindset. If he wished me to wear my hair a way I didn't like, I assume we'd reach a comprimise. I don't think he'd want me to look in the miror every day truly hating what I saw, but it is hard to imagine him wanting a hair style that was that awful. If I just didn't prefer it initially, I'd just wear it his way, and delight in the fact that it made me as sexy as possible in his eyes because his are the eyes that mater to me and that would change my perception of the style a lot, I'm sure. Anyway, I 'tolerate' the uneven power exchange, because... 1) It makes life easier in a lot of ways, like the petty arguments example from my previous post 2) Because most of it I genuinely enjoy and crave. I simply like the feeling of being one of the chosen partners of someone strong enough to tame my will and pride and strike a little fear in my heart. It just plain gets me hot in a primal, alpha male at the top of the food chain and the females he holds down and fucks kind of way, even when it isn't about fucking (which was a revelation to me at first actually). 3) Because things I don't enjoy and do have to tolerate I do so because the other aspects of the relationship are worth it to me. Kind of like tolerating your partner's awful taste in music in a vanilla relationship. Some things you just accept for love. It is your perogative to be sickened and repulsed by power exchange, but most people are sickened and repulsed by limburger cheese. That doesn't mean it is unhealthy or that people who enjoy it are to be looked down on. Please accept that many people who choose this lifestyle do it because they are happier this way than they are in 50/50 relationships, they are more free, more fulfilled, more themselves, and just as healthy as you and your friends. Amen to the right to enjoy limburger cheese!

Owner4SexSlave -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/26/2007 11:33:47 PM)
Welcome to Collarme.com Niel, and thanks for taking the time to explore this facet of life that some people live. First and foremost, nothing about BDSM lifestyle relationships are set in stone. It varies from relationship to relationship. It's what two people getting together, agree upon and make of it. There are some extremes and not so extreme aspects that people live in this lifestyle. Think of the difference between Sports and Extreme Sports. There are so many facets to cover about BDSM that it's not funny. Believe it or not there are things people share with one another at times, that sickens others within the BDSM community. There are many times, though people have a false conception or notion about things in the lifestyle. Stereotyping based on Hollywood movies, Bad porno, or fantasy novels. Things that illustrate extremes without conveying much more than misconception. Actually, some of what you wrote about yourself screams loudly of a DOM personality. Please don't misunderstand being DOM for being self-centered Asshole, in fact some guys get caught up in trying to play out that sterotype role only to get the rude awakening that they can't hook up with a submissive women to save their own life. First and foremost, all us BDSMers are human beings with the same basic needs, emotional desires and wants as ever other human being on this planet. Well at least most of us. However, just like any social groups on the earth, there are Good people and Assholes a like. Don't care if it's the local bar, church, school system, or the work place. I'm glad you value freedom higher than life itself. It's ironic that BDSM actually is about freedom of choice. How can I best say this, not every women on the face of the earth wants nor enjoys or craves to become a Feminist for instance. While there are those that do. I value Freedom of choice the most. That people should be free to choice and decide what is best for themselves, without prescribing to the Doctrines of either the Far Left or Right wing political systems that want to control everybody's freedom. I know a number of women (not in the lifestyle) that totally dispise having somebody try to shove the femenist movement down their throats. Basically, whatever happened to freedom of choice? There are women out there who are very much into the movement, are out building power careers, taking charge and are involved in leadership roles in companies and society. This is great as well. Again, freedom of choice, and freedom of belief. There are or should be no set one wayism for everybody. When you take freedom of choice away from people, well frankly, it's not really freedom anymore is it? Now, believe it or not. Many sub/slaves want to be as such. In fact they crave and desire it so much they actively seek this out and are here on this website and become involved in the community. It's ironic that somebody would take their own freedom in life to become a slave, It's a paradox of sorts. However, think about the number of people that choice to work dead end jobs or fill service roles in our society? Hell, think about people that Love being waitresses or waiters? Some people simple enjoy being of service to other people. If you can think like this for a moment, you have a glimpse into part of the submissive mindset. But only a part of it. Not everything about BDSM is all about kinky sex. There are certain mental aspects to this lifestyle. Again, there are many different types of people involved in BDSM for different reasons. It can be often difficult for people to find matching partners because of these differences. Some people simply enjoy Bedroom kink, and don't want nor desire somebody running their life outside of the bedroom. However, they want to be taken like an animal in the bedroom. As you noticed there are Doms, subs, slaves and switches. Everything is not all about D/s relationships, those those are probally most wrote about on the message boards and in articles. However, there are Dom couples where there is No Submission involved. Yes, there are and can be 50/50 equal footing relationships in BDSM. A little dose of reality though, when it comes down to most relationships. I'm just not talking about BDSM ones either. Yes, most relationships in society are not 50/50. Actually, there are many people in vanilla relationships that are very much D/s based relationships. Think for a moment about some of the people that attend Church, and how some Christians strongly believe that the Man is the Head of the household for a moment. It's not my intention to pass judgement upon anybody for their beliefs or choices. Not all Christains think this way. Some do though. I think or believe you are intelligent to understand the point I'm making about D/s relationships in general. When it comes down to D/s relationships, the BDSM lifestyle is rather blunt and you get to lay all the cards out on the table and sanely agree to this type of relationship structure. OH not to mention people can be open about their Kinks and fantasies without the fear of being admonished nor condemned for it. So it actually allows people the Freedom to talk about these things upfront and a head of time. Basically people get to avoids future shock or relationship trauma's... for instance the day some house wife catches her hubby off guard while he's wearing panty hose and a bra! LOL... something that she probally should have known about, instead of finding out about after they are married. Basically, people here on this website know and realize they have the freedom to talk about all their kinks ahead of time and not after the fact. Yes, Freedom. Whew, I find myself wanting to respond to more of your post. So many thoughts and things to write about. Training and Brainwashing... Yes, it's something called conditioning. Just like people that start work at their new job at McDonalds. They go through a training program.. where they are taught how to Cook this and that, and how to properly wait on and serve customers. Some Dom and Master do train their Sub/slaves... others do not. In fact, ironic as it is... people with submissive personalities tend to be up people's ass wanting to know how they can serve somebody else anyways. So, why not make a training program out of it and get organized. The fact is, that submissives will ask 1001 questions as to how to what pleases and displeases another human being. You see, there is more to BDSM besides just sex. For instance, do you like you ice tea with or without ice cubes? Do you even like ice tear? If a submissive were to bring you a glass of ice tea seeing that you were thristy and hot, and it turned out you hate ice tea... she would be crushed at not having pleased you. Have you even seen somebody become frustrated at not knowing how to please somebody else? Training helps reduce this frustration. Some people, simple train their submissives through good old fashioned communication. It's called simply sharing with another human being your likes and dislikes. Whew... however, some people enjoy extreme training. Yes, getting their ass spanked if they get something wrong. Other do not. In fact some people into BDSM are not even into the SadoMaso aspects. BDMS without the Pain. Different strokes for different folks here. Some people respond better to negative reinforcement, and others respond better to positive reinforcement. OH yeah, the fact is when dealing with so many different types of personalities. What works for some people, won't for other people. Now, some people need a bit of a Boot camp drill instructor to guide them in life, without it, they feel lost. Some Doms will take and mold and shape a submissive into a more powerful human being. Some Doms/Masters are very big on self improvement and will in fact make a positive difference in the life of another human being. It's ironic that people Pay good money for a "Personal Trainer"... let's see if you are in a relationship with a "personal trainer" then you would'nt have to pay a damn dime now would you? Some Dom/Masters function just as this.. "A personal Trainer" that pushes somebody they love and care about. Believe it or not, there are some very nuturing and caring BDSM relationships at work. Now, SadoMaso things. If you Love me, you'd spank my ass because it pleases me type of mindset. Some people enjoy the rush they get from pain or other reasons. Some people enjoy physical and mental pain. It's a bit like the same reason why people are into Extreme Sports. It's a rush, both physically and mentally. Ironic as it is, it reminds some people that they are still alive. Have you ever been scared shitless or went through something painful, that once it was over your heart was racing.. and you were really pumped up? Kind of the same feeling after you ran 10 miles? The same feeling as when you avoided a near fatal car crash? Perhaps after you got off riding a wicked Rollarcoaster ride? If you can relate to this, then you have a Glimpse of understanding to what this is all about. In many regards the rush of these experiences in facts makes them feel more alive. Because it pulls them out of the day to day grind of life. Yes, people some people enjoy this, and want the "Freedom" to not have the "Freedom" for a moment to remind them that they are alive and appreciate their life and true freedom even more... Now, not everybody is into Extreme aspects of BDSM. The people that are into Extreme things are known as Edge Players. Some people have Master/slave relationships that are indeed Extreme D/s relationships. Others are not so extreme. Some people don't even have D/s relationships. There are many differences between people in this lifestyle. No one set generalization can be made. However, the more people you get to know and talk with, the more you will understand the different reasons, schools of thought and different groups of people in this lifestyle. I hope this helps you some... I look forward to more of your posts.

MRandme -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/27/2007 3:36:48 AM)
Welcome to CM, Whiteknuckleride, i am a female slave. You probably think that makes me 'inferior', 'weak', a 'doormat', and that i have 'low self-esteem'. Wrong on every account. i am a strong, capable person who has been raising my children on my own for 5 years now. i work full-time with 6 men and hold my own with them. i know who i am, having been through the fires of life and come out the other side -- not intact, i have my scars -- with my head high. The relationship i have with my Master is not 24/7, nor is it a 50/50 split. i have given Him control because i need that. After days spent making every decision in the house, from what bill gets paid next to the kind of cat food to buy, to what's for supper and how much time does the boy have to spend practicing the drums, i need to be in a place where i don't make any of the decisions. i am not a person who enjoys being 'Top Dog'. i hate having to constantly be in charge. It is a relief then, so sit at my Master's feet. To raise my wrists so that He can put the cuffs on. To give all control over to Him and NOT have to make the decisions. His training is not brainwashing, it is merely letting me know what i want to know in the first place -- what makes Him happy. How i can ease the burdens in His life. My Master does not care what kind of shampoo i use, nor what i wear, or how i style my hair. He has no wish to micromanage my life, and i'm happy for that. We wouldn't be a good fit otherwise. If it helps you, think of the Cleavers. Ward was clearly in charge of the house, and June accepted his authority. The pre-60's marriage sterotype was not so different from the milder D/s relationships. For all we know, Ward was spanking June in the bedroom most evenings. grin g

RCdc -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/27/2007 4:59:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhiteKnuckleRide thedark: Some fair points. One, in particular, I will correct you on. You say: There is much in what you state that seems very - media fed? Wrong! :P Most of what I've based my questions and observations on have come from this forum. As I said earlier, prior to registering my definition of a sub/dom relationship was who was on top that night. I meant it almost literally. :D Fair point. I will apologise because I don't think what I said came out as I meant. When I suggested 'media driven' the point wasn;t that I felt that you had only information via the media, but that it is (sofar) media researched?.... Um... like... you are the writer of an article and all the information you have is gleamed and taken from what you have seen and via the third person but not actual facts or experience? Not sure if that makes any sense. Any writer (even actor) worth his salt goes much deeper into his research and sometimes even has to experience what he is writing about to actually understand it. So - what you wrote in your inital post (OP) is to me - like a media impression of what BDSM is about - but now like an author you are delving deeper and trying to find more? quote: OK, my turn now...what sickened me? It was a post that I read on this forum. In essence, the male dom forbade the female to wipe herself with toilet paper because '...he didn't like the little white bits that sometimes remained afterwards.' One bloke dictated which tampons the woman should use. Others have said 'don't use X shampoo, or Y product' "Master does not allow me to wear ..." "I'm not allowed to wear..." I can understand if a person said "I'd appreciate it if you didn't wear...because I'm allergic to it." or "I'm not keen on that." but these are people forbidding others not to do/use/wear something because 'I don't like it'...and that repulses me to the core. And I make no apologies for it. Thanks again, Neill This I will use as an example. This is third hand information you are working with. You have no idea why the people are micromanaging for one. And yes - from the outside it can seem rather sinister/stupid/silly/insertwhatyouwanthere but on further inspection there are many reasons why management like this can occur. You are second guessing the reason why behind the tampons, or the fuzzy bits but you not actually knowing or understanding the specifics behind them. Which is cool because at least you are asking - but being replused by something that doesn't include you seems a little bit of an over reaction to me? I mean that in the kindest way possible, but what others do in a healthy and fulfilling relationship isn't any of your business and shouldn't effect you and to just move on and concentrate on your life and loves, else it can just screw you up inside. Be safe and kudos on the posting. the.dark.

WhiteKnuckleRide -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/27/2007 5:11:01 AM)
Thanks again for your replies. Through reading them, I am slowly beginning to understand what a sub/dom relationship is about and I now realise it's not an unhealthy partnership between egotists and people with social problems!!! :) ... In fact, I was partway through reading one of the posts when I had an "Oh, my god," moment. I possibly have a sub/dom relationship with one of my friends and it's through talking with you lot that it dawned on me. She's always fussing, worrying that I'm comfortable enough or that my drink is cold enough. One day, we were slowly getting drunk and I jokingly said to her "I never want that glass empty." The first time I got up to refill, she said to me "No, no, that's my job." and did it for me. The next time, I did it myself and she flapped for a few minutes afterwards and then was constantly watching me to check the level of my glass. :) We take turns cooking and last time she cooked, it was a bit dry for my tastes so I added some water to the noodles we were having. She fretted for an hour afterwards, doubting her cooking abilities and generally flapping. Thinking about it, I can't do anything without her getting 'upset' that she hadn't done it, despite the fact that I don't mind doing it myself and, as I'm in her house, I want to do my bit. Sometimes, I have to wrap my arms around her just to stop her fretting too much. :) So, am I right in thinking that's a sub/dom relationship or could be?

WhiteKnuckleRide -> A lil introduction and some questions. (11/27/2007 5:36:37 AM)
I mentioned earlier that I see your lifestyle and the BDSM lifestyle as 2 distinct entities. I don't see my lifestyle as being the same as the lifestyle that you choose and, therefore, don't identify with it, although I do understand it a bit more now. I'd consider myself/my relationships as vanilla, although you may or may not say different. That said, I can look at things that happen within the BDSM world and see things (acts) that I regularly engage in. Things that I wouldn't particularly mention to the lads down the pub, or whatever. I play bass; I don't knit. I ride a bike; I don't play golf. I still do see your lifestyle and the BDSM lifestyle as 2 disinct entities. Why should you have all the fun?!!! :P

camille65 -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/27/2007 5:42:04 AM)
I'm really glad that you are getting information, and learning.Yay. [:D]

Owner4SexSlave -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/27/2007 5:42:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhiteKnuckleRide Thanks again for your replies. Through reading them, I am slowly beginning to understand what a sub/dom relationship is about and I now realise it's not an unhealthy partnership between egotists and people with social problems!!! :) ... In fact, I was partway through reading one of the posts when I had an "Oh, my god," moment. I possibly have a sub/dom relationship with one of my friends and it's through being here that it's occurred to me. She's always fussing, worrying that I'm comfortable enough or that my drink is cold enough. One day, we were slowly getting drunk and I jokingly said to her "I never want that glass empty." The first time I got up to refill, she said to me "No, no, that's my job." and did it for me. The next time, I did it myself and she flapped for a few minutes afterwards and then was constantly watching me to check the level of my glass. :) We take turns cooking and last time she cooked, it was a bit dry for my tastes so I added some water to the noodles we were having. She fretted for an hour afterwards, doubting her cooking abilities and generally flapping. Thinking about it, I can't do anything without her getting 'upset' that she hadn't done it, despite the fact that I don't mind doing it myself and, as I'm in her house, I want to do my bit. Sometimes, I have to wrap my arms around her just to stop her fretting too much. :) So, am I right in thinking that's a sub/dom relationship or could be? I think you're starting to get it. What you just shared could be viewed as a D/s dynamic at work. Many people end up having D/s relationships without realizing what it actually is. Now, imagine the clarity that is added to a D/s relationship that is understood by both parties that it's a D/s relationship. It simply adds more clarity and understanding between two people and the relationship structure. Now, imagine all the self help relationship books that stress communication and people being able to define and establish roles, boundaries and who does what again? Who's in charge of doing what? How can somebody please another? How can somebody ask somebody else to do something to please them? Who's in charge of doing what again? Who's responsible for what again? I swear you have natural Dom tendancies.. because you made a joke about "I never want that glass empty", and she paid attention to what you said.

Dari -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/27/2007 5:52:30 AM)
quote: I still do see your lifestyle and the BDSM lifestyle as 2 disinct entities. Why should you have all the fun?!!! Huh? Whose lifestyle? Do you mean - you see everyone here on CollarMe as all in the same lifestyle, but different from the BDSM lifestyle? Since you're new, try this definition instead: Everyone here is involved in (or curious about) some form of the BDSM lifestyle - be that B/D, D/s, or S&M. It is possible to be into bondage without wanting to be into D/s, for instance - or into D/s without enjoying pain or the S&M dynamic. The activites that we practice within that lifestyle can be applied under a variety of umbrellas, including vanilla - but can be classified as different types of activities - kink, for instance. Or service. For example - her getting keeping your glass topped at your request could be purely vanilla, or an activity taking place within a D/s lifestyle - but in either relationship dynamic, you could consider it service. I have a friend who enjoys kink a great deal, without any BDSM dynamic in her relationship. We don't have all the fun, but you just told a community built to discuss the various facets of BDSM and our BDSM lifestyle that we aren't really in the BDSM lifestyle because you consider yourself vanilla, and you like some of the same activities. That just smacks of severely off-putting hubris.

Sabella -> RE: A lil introduction and some questions. (11/27/2007 5:56:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhiteKnuckleRide Thanks again for your replies. Through reading them, I am slowly beginning to understand what a sub/dom relationship is about and I now realise it's not an unhealthy partnership between egotists and people with social problems!!! :) ... In fact, I was partway through reading one of the posts when I had an "Oh, my god," moment. I possibly have a sub/dom relationship with one of my friends and it's through talking with you lot that it dawned on me. She's always fussing, worrying that I'm comfortable enough or that my drink is cold enough. One day, we were slowly getting drunk and I jokingly said to her "I never want that glass empty." The first time I got up to refill, she said to me "No, no, that's my job." and did it for me. The next time, I did it myself and she flapped for a few minutes afterwards and then was constantly watching me to check the level of my glass. :) We take turns cooking and last time she cooked, it was a bit dry for my tastes so I added some water to the noodles we were having. She fretted for an hour afterwards, doubting her cooking abilities and generally flapping. Thinking about it, I can't do anything without her getting 'upset' that she hadn't done it, despite the fact that I don't mind doing it myself and, as I'm in her house, I want to do my bit. Sometimes, I have to wrap my arms around her just to stop her fretting too much. :) So, am I right in thinking that's a sub/dom relationship or could be? Oh honey EVERYONE has an ego & social problems, LOL. Do you not think that a submissive would take pride in what they do and how it affects their relationship or the task at hand? Or the Dom take pride in what they do? For alot of "training" you may see, a good bit of it can be to help a person overcome a variety of issues. Maybe they are shy, have no self confidence in a certain area, need a little support in some areas. Training can help with this if everyone involved has the right mindset and for the person who's trying something new it can be a tremendous help to have someone who "has their back" perhaps even help pushing them to do things they wouldn't normally do. This isn't a BDSM thing, it's a LIFE thing - but emphasized more in this lifestyle in a deliberate manner. I think your friend could be a submissive whether she knows it or not. As could most people who enjoy placing themselves under another person's will. The title doesn't change who a person is, IMHO. I'm sure there are tons of dominants & equally tons of submissives in the world who have never read a book, never attended a munch, never visited Collarme yet they will do what they have to do in order to fulfill who they ARE. After all if you think about it - how did all this get started? People gradually found each other and confirmed that no, they weren't crazy. They were all grappling with the life behind their life that nobody seemed to know about. Who were they really? Why were they like this? What does it mean? Are there others like us? Yes, we are Legion!! <---sorry, saw that in a Nickelodeon & always wanted to say it

WhiteKnuckleRide -> A lil introduction and some questions. (11/27/2007 6:11:16 AM)
quote: That just smacks ... Smacks? Huh? Where do I sign?!!! :P Why do some people insist on dragging me over the coals on every wrong thing I utter? I came here to learn. I came here saying that I know sweet FA about your lifestyle, help me understand. I am ignorant about your lifestyle. I've never made any statement to the contrary. If I make a mistake, a simple correction is sufficient. Is it not obvious that I have learnt that my preconceptions were wrong and I fully appreciate that now? It seems others can see that I'm learning. Here's my revised comment: I still feel that the sub/dom lifestyle and the BDSM lifestyle are 2 distinct entities, In the same way that that I see the crotch rocket brigade (sports bikes) and the Harley boys as different entities. Is that better? Does it really matter? Neill (The puns are intended.) :)

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

6.054688E-02