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unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 11:41:32 AM

pleasureforck

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline

I have a high sex drive but my Sir doesn't. I love him and knew this ahead of time. I told him I can accept it but the way things are is not what I expected. The problem is he will control how many times and how often I cum and usually I don't get to cum enough to feel satisfied. He will also only allow them all at once within a certain time period which sometimes makes it harder to cum. The times I get to masterbate alone without him giving me a limit I feel like I need to stock up on orgasms to the point of making myself sore. When I have mentioned in the past that sometimes I need to cum more he told me he doesn't see why cumming 3 or 4 times isn't enough. He also thinks it will keep me more aroused all the time to not be completely satisfied but it is having the opposite affect. I am feeling turned off and not wanting sex at all. It is too frustrating. I feel guilty about needing more. Is it wrong that I am not satisfied with what he allows? Is something wrong with me for needing to orgasm so much? Everything else with us is great so maybe I'm being selfish. I'm afraid I make him think sex is the most important thing to me in our relationship which of course it isn't. It is however more important to me than to him.

_____________________________

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

Post #: 1

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 11:49:04 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

He is expecting you to function at his level of sexual arousal/release. He has a lower sex drive and it would appear is trying to change yours. You have two choices as i see it. Make the changes he is imposing on you or realize sex is more important to you then you realized and part ways to find soeone more sexually compatible with you. Eventually, over time, unless you truly adjust to HIS schedule you will only come to feel like your needs aren't being met and neglected. Can you make the shift? If so work on it, if not cut your losses and move on.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 2

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 11:55:48 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

Communication, communication and more communication. I would tell him what he thinks will happen is having the opposite effect.

Sexual desire is very much a compatibility issue. It is just an issue that society has a zealot desire to downplay. If masturbation can truly bridge the gap between you two then I am glad but I personally do not believe that a submissive’s sexual needs or for that matter anybody’s sexual needs should be dismissed as selfish or morally wrong.

In terms of orgasm control I would talk it over with your dominant and based on his actual enjoyment and what your relationship dynamic is to see if a change in some way or to eliminate this type of play from you relationship is possible.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 3

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 12:00:08 PM

charlotte12

Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pleasureforck

I have a high sex drive but my Sir doesn't. I love him and knew this ahead of time. I told him I can accept it but the way things are is not what I expected. The problem is he will control how many times and how often I cum and usually I don't get to cum enough to feel satisfied. He will also only allow them all at once within a certain time period which sometimes makes it harder to cum. The times I get to masterbate alone without him giving me a limit I feel like I need to stock up on orgasms to the point of making myself sore. When I have mentioned in the past that sometimes I need to cum more he told me he doesn't see why cumming 3 or 4 times isn't enough. He also thinks it will keep me more aroused all the time to not be completely satisfied but it is having the opposite affect. I am feeling turned off and not wanting sex at all. It is too frustrating. I feel guilty about needing more. Is it wrong that I am not satisfied with what he allows? Is something wrong with me for needing to orgasm so much? Everything else with us is great so maybe I'm being selfish. I'm afraid I make him think sex is the most important thing to me in our relationship which of course it isn't. It is however more important to me than to him.

Perhaps if you explain to him that by denying you the number of orgasms or amount of sexual satisfaction that you desire he is in fact creating a situation in which you are focusing on sex even more. Generally if i'm satisfied after a sexual experience i am able to move on and focus on other things that perhaps the other person might want to but if i'm left frustrated it is a lot harder to get sex off my mind. If he wants you to be constantly aroused then you may need to talk to him about his motivations behind that and explain that it is leaving you feeling frustrated and unsatisfied instead of excited about the time you will get to spend with him.

I have the exact opposite problem (my sex drive is much lower than my Masters) but i don't mind him using me if i'm not as turned on as i could be so it's not so much of an issue. However i can relate to the feeling of frustration if your orgasms are not satisfying you or you feel you need to rush them or fit as many in as possible. I imagine if you can explain to him that you don't want to have to obsess about sex all the time and offer some suggestions as to how you can be sexually satisfied without usurping his control over you he will be happy to work with you. Most likely he is trying to find a middle ground where you can both be satisfied and simply needs a little help understanding how you work since his sex drive is different. Try to respectfully explain to him what it is that is happening with you ( i wouldn't recommend anger or accusations that he is not satisfying you.) You said things are not as you expected so i would just suggest simply opening up a conversation to re-evaluate the situation. Let him know you care about him and don't want to let a frustration grow into something that could eventually make you resentful. When he sees you are trying to discuss the good of the relationship and not just saying that you need more than you're getting i'm sure he will find a way to make it work.

good luck,
charlotte

_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 4

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 12:01:36 PM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

Some people say sex is completely unimportant in a relationship- for me, that's totally not the case. Is sexual compatability the most important part? No, it's not... but it's still important.

I've tried dating people with a much-lower sex drive, and in every case it's fallen apart... and I'd be full of shit if I said the difference in our sex drives wasn't a major contributing factor. As velvetears said, you have to decide whether you can deal with it or not- and you have to take the fact that love doesn't actually conquer all into consideration.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 5

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 12:01:39 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

Thats a bad thing about expectations often they can let you down .I was told once long ago in a D/s relationship "its not always about you " .I see and feel for and understand your needs to be satisfied but as you typed in your post he is giving you pleasure and release .It would be interesting perhaps to do an exchange of forced pleasure ,see just how many times he can make you cum til your spent and exshausted , then add 5 more ooh maybe 3 more naww 2-3 more no noo your done thats it ? ok 2 more ..
smiles best wishes on your path remember to communicate .

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 6

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 12:03:01 PM

IamJustMe2C

Posts: 94
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

Wait....... I suppose that you have said this to him and told him what you are telling us. you have talked with him about how you feel and that it is having the opposite affect on you. In saying this and supposing that you have already done this and his answer is still the same as you have stated above then you must realise what he is doing to you or ask him if he realises it. Ok so you have a high sex drive. There are those of us out there that need a sexual release of some sort so many times a day or week or we actually feel sick. it borders on nymphomaniac. This is not to say that you have it in its full form but it is a REAL thing not just a made up word that we put to those that realy realy realy like sex. If he does not have the drive to keep up with you (there is o shame in that) then he can have fun in letting you masterbate untill you feel the release that you need. Express this to him. Do the research with him or for him. You have probbly herd of Sex Annonimous. Well its a real group and these people have real problems with sex. Not in not having it but never getting enough of it or having it take over there life or loosing there loved ones because of it. If it hasent started prying into your relationship you better look at your post again. It already has and if you dont talk to him about it it might cause some real damage to it. None of us want to see that happen. you obviousley love him and he loves you or you wouldnt be reaching out for help. Reach out all you want and all you need to. But in the end the two of you need to come to a comprimise that will leave you feeling whole and not empty inside. Pretty soon this will consume you and do one of two things. you will give into it and be less sexual (despising him later for it) Or you and him will split apart.

I wish you the best of luck

_____________________________

Submission is a gift unlike any other. The one who can sculpt that gift in a graceful manner is a Master.

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 7

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 12:03:20 PM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

First of all you have to understand that nothing is wrong within a relationship except not talking through your difficulties with your partner.
Your Sir is obviously thinking stereotypical instead of listening to what you are telling him.
Everyone is different.
Keeping a sub unsatisfied can have different affects with different people.
Your Sir is right that it does keep some women on the edge and wanting.
However it is obviously having a detrimental affect on you and therefore eventually it will have a detrimental affect on your relationship.
If he is prepared for the consequences of his actions then so be it.
But he might not be.
Some Dom/mes do have this 'I know what's best' attitude.
He perhaps knows what's best for himself but he obviously doesn't know what's best for you.
All you can do is to keep telling him.
Beg for more if that's what will do it for him.
After that then you have a choice. Put up with it or split with him.
Good luck.

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 8

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 12:08:21 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pleasureforck

I have a high sex drive but my Sir doesn't. I love him and knew this ahead of time. I told him I can accept it but the way things are is not what I expected. The problem is he will control how many times and how often I cum and usually I don't get to cum enough to feel satisfied. He will also only allow them all at once within a certain time period which sometimes makes it harder to cum. The times I get to masterbate alone without him giving me a limit I feel like I need to stock up on orgasms to the point of making myself sore. When I have mentioned in the past that sometimes I need to cum more he told me he doesn't see why cumming 3 or 4 times isn't enough. He also thinks it will keep me more aroused all the time to not be completely satisfied but it is having the opposite affect. I am feeling turned off and not wanting sex at all. It is too frustrating. I feel guilty about needing more. Is it wrong that I am not satisfied with what he allows? Is something wrong with me for needing to orgasm so much? Everything else with us is great so maybe I'm being selfish. I'm afraid I make him think sex is the most important thing to me in our relationship which of course it isn't. It is however more important to me than to him.

I am so sorry you are in this situation...I can sympathies truly...I also have a very high sex drive...and I know in my heart that if what you are going thru happened to me...I also would become disinterested instead of "more aroused" I am fortunate that my Master does not do this...I think He understands the nature of His beast !

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 9

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 12:26:26 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I am never sure if I have a high sex drive or not, but I know that it was disastrous when my partner's drive couldn't keep up with mine. Eventually, it was a factor in ending the relationship. Start talking, and not when both of you are undressed!

Also, orgasm control does not need to stop, he should understand that.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 10

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 1:05:36 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pleasureforck

I have a high sex drive but my Sir doesn't. I love him and knew this ahead of time. I told him I can accept it but the way things are is not what I expected. The problem is he will control how many times and how often I cum and usually I don't get to cum enough to feel satisfied. He will also only allow them all at once within a certain time period which sometimes makes it harder to cum. The times I get to masterbate alone without him giving me a limit I feel like I need to stock up on orgasms to the point of making myself sore. When I have mentioned in the past that sometimes I need to cum more he told me he doesn't see why cumming 3 or 4 times isn't enough. He also thinks it will keep me more aroused all the time to not be completely satisfied but it is having the opposite affect. I am feeling turned off and not wanting sex at all. It is too frustrating. I feel guilty about needing more. Is it wrong that I am not satisfied with what he allows? Is something wrong with me for needing to orgasm so much? Everything else with us is great so maybe I'm being selfish. I'm afraid I make him think sex is the most important thing to me in our relationship which of course it isn't. It is however more important to me than to him.

If my sexual release was controlled to this degree ALL of the time, I'd feel resentful. That's just me. It would make me less interested in sex and I'd lose any joyful spontaneous pleasure. I don't want to have to *think* about sex, I want to abandon myself to it........It's extremely erotic to have it controlled for certain lengths of time but if MY level of sexual satisfaction was suppressed , even when alone, I'd become rather unhappy. Some people would love this; I would hate and resent it.

Its not *wrong* to want more, nor *wrong* to not feel satisfied and there's nothing wrong with you for wanting to orgasm as much as you want to.

This type of thing is all very well in theory and in defined periods, but a huge mismatch ALONG with what seems to be a lack of real understanding can really cause erosion.

It's a big problem for you..but not for him.......... and that's why you're feeling that you're making sex an important thing. It's not that it's THE most important thing but THIS way and the way it's being handled IS. It's easier for him to dismiss it because he hasn't the same drive and isn't missing anything. Basically HE is satisfied and HE'S not suffering and his comment of 3 or 4 orgasms is enough, if in jest, would be fine......I hear that type of thing from M sometimes, but if it's a serious comment, then it's indicating his misunderstanding of the strength of your feelings and unhappiness with it.

Ultimately, you weren't aware of the way this might play out, but now you are.

agirl

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 11

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 1:20:16 PM

BabyDollVanIsle

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline

Pleasureforck, you are getting some great feedback and advice here..

i can only add one thing.

since 'complaining' is so tiresome, her is an idea to make this more of a win/win situation for him.

you know your Master best and know what he likes. find some way that he can get more of what he likes out of the situation...

let him know he has this 'leverage' on you that he can employ to get more of something else he likes by dangling what you need as the carrot he can use to control and command you.

right now he is exersizing his control by limiting your orgasms.

brainstorm with him about satisfying ways he can exesize control over you that gives you more release.

he might find with a little switch of perspective and a few new play and control possibilities, his enthusiasm for your sexual enthusiasm will increase.

baby doll

ps: don't think i really know what i am talking about. right now i would be grateful to have some of the problems i see expressed in here, instead of just waiting to get together with my Mentor in January, and reduced to friendly chat and playing with myself in the meantime.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 12

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 1:30:46 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I used to need to have five orgasms to feel satisfied. The first four were smaller ones, much less intense. It wasn't until number five that I got one that was heart pounding, screaming, every muscle in the body turned to jelly. If you need small ones to be able to have a large one, then you need to explain to him that they all aren't the same level of intensity. And you need the intense ones.

If I had been limited to only a couple of small ones, I would have refused to have any since that would be worse than total deprivation.

Orgasms aren't all alike but since he only has one at a time, he may not realize how much yours vary in a session.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to BabyDollVanIsle)

Post #: 13

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 1:37:46 PM

pleasureforck

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

First of all you have to understand that nothing is wrong within a relationship except not talking through your difficulties with your partner.
Your Sir is obviously thinking stereotypical instead of listening to what you are telling him.
Everyone is different.
Keeping a sub unsatisfied can have different affects with different people.
Your Sir is right that it does keep some women on the edge and wanting.
However it is obviously having a detrimental affect on you and therefore eventually it will have a detrimental affect on your relationship.
If he is prepared for the consequences of his actions then so be it.
But he might not be.
Some Dom/mes do have this 'I know what's best' attitude.
He perhaps knows what's best for himself but he obviously doesn't know what's best for you.
All you can do is to keep telling him.
Beg for more if that's what will do it for him.
After that then you have a choice. Put up with it or split with him.
Good luck.

I know I need to talk to him more about this and about everything.Your idea of begging him might work if I can do it. He wants me to ask and beg him for things I want but I don't. I don't know why it is so hard for me or how to get beyond it. It has made me feel selfish to ask for things since I was a child. I have always waited for people to offer things or I would go without. I feel guilty even when I know he expects me to ask and beg for things.

_____________________________

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

(in reply to lateralist1)

Post #: 14

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 1:40:35 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I used to need to have five orgasms to feel satisfied. The first four were smaller ones, much less intense. It wasn't until number five that I got one that was heart pounding, screaming, every muscle in the body turned to jelly. If you need small ones to be able to have a large one, then you need to explain to him that they all aren't the same level of intensity. And you need the intense ones.

If I had been limited to only a couple of small ones, I would have refused to have any since that would be worse than total deprivation.

Orgasms aren't all alike but since he only has one at a time, he may not realize how much yours vary in a session.

I agree. Many women, myself included, are multi-orgasmic and actually need to cum more than once in order to really rock out. Some men cannot relate to a woman's intensity regarding orgasms. It is truly up to you to make sure your partner knows what you need or change partners.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 15

RE: unmatched sex drives - 11/27/2007 1:47:00 PM

pleasureforck

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline

I want to thank everyone for such great responses. You all have given me a lot to think about.

_____________________________

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 16

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