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SimplyMichael -> RE: Have you ever changed your mind about something because of a Collarme Forum? (11/27/2007 1:48:49 PM)
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If the questions are the same and oh my god are they always the same, the answers are also going to be the same.
As for learning, I learn all the time. Today I learned something about myself and a past relationship...
quote:
Until I wrote this I didn’t realize this is the exact description of my first collared submissive and I. I knew this thread resonated with me and why I am so sympathetic to the guy. I spent three years playing yo-yo with this woman, I couldn’t tell you how many times we broke up and got back together again. Unfortunately for me, nobody that I knew in San Francisco knew enough to help me. Hmmmm, going to have to think about that one for a bit…BSB wants me to [become a counselor] instead of goint into business and perhaps I do have a skill I am selling short.
Unskilled submissives often bring relationship patterns that are destructive. In this case it is the need for control/dominance but not really understanding what she is asking for nor how she is asking.
Rather than saying “today I need to be treated like a dog” or “today, can I be a spoiled little girl” or whatever, she acts out to provoke the sort of reaction she unconsciously needs. So when she acts pissy in the morning it is about provoking the “stern master” syndrome.” Classic topping from the bottom, which as a concept I have no problem with, but in this case, because it is unconscious, neither party can understand what is going on. Poor guy tries to give her the uber dom she wanted in the morning and she doesn’t even know she now wants “loving daddy dom” and so again they fight.
Until I wrote this I didn’t realize this is the exact description of my first collared submissive and I. I knew this thread resonated with me and why I am so sympathetic to the guy. I spent three years playing yo-yo with this woman, I couldn’t tell you how many times we broke up and got back together again. Unfortunately for me, nobody that I knew in San Francisco knew enough to help me. Hmmmm, going to have to think about that one for a bit…BSB wants me to go into counseling instead of business and perhaps I do have a skill I am selling short.
Anyway, you can’t make her self aware of what she is doing, she is probably too young to get it and it takes professional counseling in most cases to gain that sort of change. However, what you CAN do is realize what is going on when she provokes and or reacts to you. See past her words and actions and try and see into her subconscious. She wants you to be in control, doesn’t know how to ask and without realizing it, provokes you to get the reaction she wants. She is a good girl when she wants daddy, and is a bad girl when she wants UBER dom. Reward her when she is being a good girl is easy. Dealing with the bad girl is hard.
When children do things to get a reaction, they are trying to manipulate you, good parents don’t react. Swear words are perfect examples, when kids want to get a reaction, they say “shit” or “fuck” and get to feel powerful as mommy and daddy freak out. A skilled parent says “those words bore me” which skillfully differentiates “bad word” from “bad kid” and doesn’t let the kid/swear word have any power over them. They then quickly change/introduce something that the kid does enjoy (careful not to make that a reward, so not ice cream but perhaps a board game?) and then gives the kid praise for doing something right.
Same goes for corner time for a manipulative girl who wants to feel master’s hands yanking her around. DON’T let her feed her needs that way. Try and figure out WHY she needs the control, is she feeling out of control, does she need it to feel your love, why? Figure that out and later, outside of the manipulative space, when she is being good, a chance to ASK for that sort of control.
I know that is going to feel passive but imagine how you will feel if months from now, the petty acting out has lessened greatly, she comes to you and begs to be used? Smile and realize “I have truly trained this woman” and you can look back and shake your head at your past and hold your head high with pride.
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