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Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 9:07:35 AM

decstorm37

Posts: 95
Joined: 11/12/2007
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Not sure how to put this but will give it a shot. I have walls up due to things in my past like most people. Even while talking to my Master i have them up. Any Advice on how to bring the walls down? Thanks

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 9:09:08 AM

mnottertail

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Communication leads to trust. Walls keep people in, or keep people out. Never mind sentence 2 or this one, read sentence one.

ABCMaster

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 9:24:04 AM

decstorm37

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Communication leads to trust. Walls keep people in, or keep people out. Never mind sentence 2 or this one, read sentence one.

ABCMaster

Thank You Sir.

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 9:49:16 AM

DesFIP

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You don't say how long you have been together. What I can tell you is that it takes a lot of trust, the kind that takes years of knowing someone to let them fully in. I gave trust bit by bit as I saw he was trustworthy in different areas and as I began to feel he wouldn't abandon me for just being too difficult.

Some things have taken nearly four years to feel safe turning over to him. He finds value in me learning slowly to trust him, he would feel it was worth a lot less if I could just hand it all over on day one and be fine if he tossed it out after a month. It's valuable because it's so difficult. If he doesn't value the effort, and the time required, then maybe that's your gut telling you he isn't someone you should be totally vulnerable with.

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 9:51:01 AM

forg0ttenclone

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Communication is vitally important to bring down those walls that you have up.

I had and do have similar issues. But my walls are coming down, one by one with my Dominant. She knows and understands that through my submission to Her a certain amount of deprogramming is required within me. It's bringing down a lot of walls i created to keep people and things out. The more i talk with Her, the more i see things in myself that need to change. While those things are not overnight changes, they do come in time.

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"I have fallen to my knees unable to rise, what kind of trap is this? What kind of chains have tied my hands and feet? It is so strange, so wonderful this helplessness of mine!"

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 9:57:43 AM

slaverosebeauty

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Time. Trust. Working through those things that caused you to put walls up in the first place. Healing and lots and lots of hugs.

Walls are not built overnight so they won't fall down overnight either; it took time for them to build, so it will take time for them to crumble, be patient and lean on a partner or friends or a councelor who will be there for you and with you as they start to deminish.

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 10:17:05 AM

IamJustMe2C

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ECHO ECHO ECHO

time trust time trust communication time trust communication time trust communication

it all take time trust and communication. tell him your fears and where you are coming from. Be open with your fears and your tears. Hold him tight hug him long. He will give you time trust and communication. your walls are high and strong. But they to can crumble over time with trust and communication

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 10:54:13 AM

decstorm37

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Thank you all for the replies. Has given me a lot to sit down with my Master and talk about.

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 3:44:28 PM

fireandwaterlove

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Depending on the cause of the walls sometimes help for you is needed.I may be off base and if I am, then please accept my apologies, but sometimes serious trauma builds up walls and professional help is needed to deal with the trauma.

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 4:30:39 PM

decstorm37

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No offense taken at all. When i was young somethings did happen but I did have help getting over that. The walls i was talking about it are things from past realtionships and things of that nature. Again no offense taken at all. Thanks for the input.

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 4:38:38 PM

MistressPav

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You, first, must WANT the wall destroyed. This is the first step.
Make sure you are doing it for the right reason.... Are you doing this for you or someone else?

Pav, Mistress of the Extremes

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A- Rh-

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 4:58:37 PM

decstorm37

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MistressPav that is a very good point. I'm doing it for myself. Yes i know that sounds selfish but i am sick of carrying around the stuff from my past and it is time to get over it and move on. I also know once the walls are gone i will be a better slave for my Master.

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 5:12:42 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Well with such general advice:

I don't know anyone who doesn't have walls, so realize you aren't special or different and that having walls really isn't a big deal when it comes to leading a happy life. What you mostly want are to make the walls into swiss cheese over time and have gateways.

Realize that a lot of your walls are actually like neon glowing signs to anyone with half an ounce of decent intuition and rather than trying to bust them down, they will try and tunnel under them by manipulating your trust. This will be easy to do because walls are glaring signs of insecurity- you WANT someone to get inside, and that will make you blind to the non obvious attempts to get through them.

Work on the source of the wall more than anything. And recognize you are the one who needs to climb your walls.

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 5:13:33 PM

Sirsinini

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressPav

You, first, must WANT the wall destroyed. This is the first step.
Make sure you are doing it for the right reason.... Are you doing this for you or someone else?

Pav, Mistress of the Extremes

MsPav is so correct, IMHO. Walls can protect us as well. We must be aware of what the walls are made of and why they are there.
I have had some walls built to protect me from some major issues in life. I will need to disagree with some here and say talking (communicating) about the issues that built up those walls is good, but not always with just anyone.

It is of my opinion that many times we need to break down those walls on our own before we can truly deal with the issues behind those walls. If they protect us for some reason, we must face that reason.

Before I met my Sir I was dealing with walls built to protect me from some pretty powerful issues and it was only when I was ready to deal with those issues did the walls begin to come down. I dont believe I could have made the choices I did if I had not began to deal with my issues. I also do not think I would have been a "good" submissive to anyone with the walls I had.

I do have a therapist who has not at all judged my submissive kink side, knowing I am submissive by nature, and she has given me positive reinforcement.

As I communicate with Sir, he is understanding these issues. I dont believe we can trust someone enough to allow them to break down our walls. They are ours and ours to deal with.

Just my own thoughts.
Sir's devoted property

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 5:34:44 PM

decstorm37

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Great advice and input. Thank you all for that

I do agree that my walls make me more likely to be taken advantage of. Luckly my Master understands and is willing to let me take all the time i need to get over them. They are coming down slowly. I just want them gone. I don't like anything to hold me back so i need to learn to take it slow and know they will come down over time.

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/28/2007 7:09:17 PM

liminalRapture

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I've struggled with this a lot.

A couple of things that have been helpful for me.

I've learned to be grateful to my walls (although I call them masks). I went through a hell of a lot. They protected me. They aren't useful now, but it doesn't mean they weren't useful then. It sounds cheesy, I know, but it has only been when I've seen and appreciated how important they were in the past that I've been able to soften them.

I've gone through the EST knock-off groups where they pull your walls down in a weekend. And I was blackmailed by someone who was there and knew what was under the walls. My walls have been very useful, but the best WD-40 is love--I'm grateful to have them and grateful to let them down.

This may sound very odd, but art is also a great catharsis for me in this. Sondheim. Michael John LaChuisia's Wild Party. Caroline or Change. Reign O-er Me. Identifying with other characters who are suffocating inside their walls and finally learn to let down their masks has helped me emotionally with the task.

I have a really long file on my computer called "If I Had a Blog" (which is funny because I now do, but they are different) that deals with much of this stuff. 90% of it is written in the third person. It is much easier for me to deal with this crap in the third person, at least at the beginning.

I also think David Deida's book Dear Lover has some useful stuff there. The calls them "shells" and says you soften your shells with love and that work is what makes you strong enough to be vulnerable for your partner to open you up.

For me, it starts as an intellectual process. Only after a while does it move from the brain to the belly.

"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/29/2007 6:56:23 PM

decstorm37

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quote:

ORIGINAL: liminalRapture

I've struggled with this a lot.

A couple of things that have been helpful for me.

I've learned to be grateful to my walls (although I call them masks). I went through a hell of a lot. They protected me. They aren't useful now, but it doesn't mean they weren't useful then. It sounds cheesy, I know, but it has only been when I've seen and appreciated how important they were in the past that I've been able to soften them.

I've gone through the EST knock-off groups where they pull your walls down in a weekend. And I was blackmailed by someone who was there and knew what was under the walls. My walls have been very useful, but the best WD-40 is love--I'm grateful to have them and grateful to let them down.

This may sound very odd, but art is also a great catharsis for me in this. Sondheim. Michael John LaChuisia's Wild Party. Caroline or Change. Reign O-er Me. Identifying with other characters who are suffocating inside their walls and finally learn to let down their masks has helped me emotionally with the task.

I have a really long file on my computer called "If I Had a Blog" (which is funny because I now do, but they are different) that deals with much of this stuff. 90% of it is written in the third person. It is much easier for me to deal with this crap in the third person, at least at the beginning.

I also think David Deida's book Dear Lover has some useful stuff there. The calls them "shells" and says you soften your shells with love and that work is what makes you strong enough to be vulnerable for your partner to open you up.

For me, it starts as an intellectual process. Only after a while does it move from the brain to the belly.

"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

Thank you for the input and the books to read. I think that might help me.

(in reply to liminalRapture)

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/29/2007 8:26:29 PM

liminalRapture

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David Deida's Dear Lover is a book--The Wild Party and Caroline or Change were both Broadway shows you can get as CDs (but the LaChuisa Wild Party, not the other one of the same year) and Reign O-er Me was a movie with Adam Sandler.

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"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/29/2007 8:32:05 PM

decstorm37

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Thanks again

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RE: Need some advice. - 11/30/2007 7:02:08 AM

joanus