Monogamy -- at what point? (Full Version)

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pinkpleasures -> Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 5:36:42 AM)

i have been through all the stages of searching, including dating, and i have been asked to become faithful by men at various points. After IM'ing awhile; after some phone contact; after meeting; after we begin dating. My question is when should a submissive woman or slave become monogamous to a Dom or Master who has not collared her; and does the Dom or Master need to become monogamous as well?

And if a Dom or Master who has collared a submissive woman or slave retains some "rights" to go outside the relationship for "play" or whatever, does the submissive woman or slave have the same rights to do so?

Is there a double standard?

Many thanks to mossy for help in writing this post.

pinkpleasures



JohnWarren -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 5:47:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures

i have been through all the stages of searching, including dating, and i have been asked to become faithful by men at various points. After IM'ing awhile; after some phone contact; after meeting; after we begin dating. My question is when should a submissive woman or slave become monogamous to a Dom or Master who has not collared her; and does the Dom or Master need to become monogamous as well?

And if a Dom or Master who has collared a submissive woman or slave retains some "rights" to go outside the relationship for "play" or whatever, does the submissive woman or slave have the same rights to do so?

Is there a double standard?

Many thanks to mossy for help in writing this post.

pinkpleasures



Bottom line: There is no rule. It is however something that should be discussed as soon as one partner feels that the relationship is "going somewhere."

I don't like "double standards." In fact, right now, Libby has a personal sex slave while I'm pretty much monogamous because following our move, Rio followed us while my play partners stayed in New England. The idea that a dom has special rights doesn't go down well with me, BUT I've known some submissives who have gotten off on the idea that their dom has other submissives while they are restricted to playing with him. It just goes to show there is NO one true way. In the time I've been in the scene I've seen just about every combination and permutation I could imagine, and a few that just snuck up and bit me on the ass. Some worked out well; some were pure disasters, but that seemed to be more a factor of those in them than the modus vivendi they had worked out



pinkpleasures -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 6:04:38 AM)

Thank You John..i am delighted You responded. Now, may i ask, when a Dom or Master indicates He wants me to be monogamous, does He also mean that He will be or do i need to ask?

pinkpleasures



Veav -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 6:28:51 AM)

Just my two units of 97.5% Zinc and 2.5% Copper - unless it's made clear, it's always a good idea to ask. Communication is law. Even with that being said, I suppose if you're comfortable with it either way, you can let it pass... but I still think it's better not to be surprised or have assumptions get made, and if he's asking something of you, it's not unreasonable to at least ask the question right back.



nella -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 6:35:56 AM)

my Dom and i have always been the types that would acept the other to paly whit another person, our love is not based on being eatch others only physical lovers, while we have never had sex whit anyone but one another, this is more due to not finding somone we would want to have sex whit, while we have played whit others. my Dom have encuraged me to find another Dom that can play whit me, becouse he gets of on the idea of me being used by others, but i often find that werry early in the letter writing prosess to find another Dom, they demand i write whit no other Dom`s even if they might want to have another sub.



RumpusParable -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 6:43:30 AM)

i have to agree with all posted so far: there is no universal answer nor should one take for granted or assume on an issue of relationship-defining importance to them. if unclear & it's important, ask.

if it's very important, ask even if you think it is clear -or especially if you think it *should* be clear (i add this due to how many times i've heard from people of any lifestyle that "of course they should have known X wasnt okay" but on asking it turns out they'd never made it clear between them, rather one assumed it was obvious to the other person because it seemed so to themselves)

lot of confusion and heartache can be avoided by sitting down for 2 seconds or 5 hours to say "i want to make sure what is going on and that we agree"... vanilla or bdsm.

that's my take on it.



mnottertail -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 6:47:47 AM)

Communicate plainly. I am of the opinion that nothing should be inferred nor necessarily intuitively obvious.... apply your very own 'reasonable man' doctrine to this.

Admiringly tho,
Ron



ChereeAmoor -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 7:03:44 AM)

You should be monogamous when it feels right to you - that is really the only answer I could give. We were monogamous, for many years, and it was never assumed. We talked about it first, and agreed, and when it got tough to hold myself to the standards, we talked some more. We met our partner 6 years ago, and it took 5 of those years for al of us to sort through all of our trash and treasure before living together.

Now we are in a closed triad, so our monogamy expanded - but it wasn't a quick process be any means. Talk and listen and talk some more - good luck!



Fidelity -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 8:59:52 AM)

I don't respect people who play the field when I am dating them,so the answer would be-"As soon as we begin."

I have never dated more than one at a time-it's too close to swinging for me.



subcheryl -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 9:10:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Fidelity

I don't respect people who play the field when I am dating them,so the answer would be-"As soon as we begin."

I have never dated more than one at a time-it's too close to swinging for me.



I agree I never saw more than one at a time, just felt so uncomfortable with it like I was cheating and not giving the relationship a try or chance. But Pink you have to talk to him about his expectations and what he is feeling of the situation too. Good luck not easy but you can do it.



IronBear -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 9:17:22 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren


quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures

i have been through all the stages of searching, including dating, and i have been asked to become faithful by men at various points. After IM'ing awhile; after some phone contact; after meeting; after we begin dating. My question is when should a submissive woman or slave become monogamous to a Dom or Master who has not collared her; and does the Dom or Master need to become monogamous as well?

And if a Dom or Master who has collared a submissive woman or slave retains some "rights" to go outside the relationship for "play" or whatever, does the submissive woman or slave have the same rights to do so?

Is there a double standard?

Many thanks to mossy for help in writing this post.

pinkpleasures



Bottom line: There is no rule. It is however something that should be discussed as soon as one partner feels that the relationship is "going somewhere."

I don't like "double standards." In fact, right now, Libby has a personal sex slave while I'm pretty much monogamous because following our move, Rio followed us while my play partners stayed in New England. The idea that a dom has special rights doesn't go down well with me, BUT I've known some submissives who have gotten off on the idea that their dom has other submissives while they are restricted to playing with him. It just goes to show there is NO one true way. In the time I've been in the scene I've seen just about every combination and permutation I could imagine, and a few that just snuck up and bit me on the ass. Some worked out well; some were pure disasters, but that seemed to be more a factor of those in them than the modus vivendi they had worked out

quote:

Bottom line: There is no rule. It is however something that should be discussed as soon as one partner feels that the relationship is "going somewhere."

I don't like "double standards." In fact, right now, Libby has a personal sex slave while I'm pretty much monogamous because following our move, Rio followed us while my play partners stayed in New England. The idea that a dom has special rights doesn't go down well with me, BUT I've known some submissives who have gotten off on the idea that their dom has other submissives while they are restricted to playing with him. It just goes to show there is NO one true way. In the time I've been in the scene I've seen just about every combination and permutation I could imagine, and a few that just snuck up and bit me on the ass. Some worked out well; some were pure disasters, but that seemed to be more a factor of those in them than the modus vivendi they had worked out


My simple answer is” It depends on the two people, their type of relationship and how they both feel at any one time." Relationship dynamics is more often than not very fluid so it never pays to assume anything. One final comment: Good Communication Is Essential in all aspects of a relationship. This means listening as well as speaking.

John, I'm the bloke who had never heard of you. Probably because I havent been hunting books on the lifestyle. However I am enjoying your posts. they are a joy to read and I look forward to reading many more.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 9:27:13 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures
My question is when should a submissive woman or slave become monogamous to a Dom or Master who has not collared her; and does the Dom or Master need to become monogamous as well?

The answer is the same to any question that begins "When should a submissive do X?"

The answer? Whenever the submissive feels it's best.
quote:


And if a Dom or Master who has collared a submissive woman or slave retains some "rights" to go outside the relationship for "play" or whatever, does the submissive woman or slave have the same rights to do so?

If that is how the relationship is set up.

quote:


Is there a double standard?

That's what Ds stands for. The dom makes the rules, the sub doesn't. That's why it's good to know what you are agreeing to BEFORE you agree to it.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 9:28:24 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures
Now, may i ask, when a Dom or Master indicates He wants me to be monogamous, does He also mean that He will be or do i need to ask?


You should always ask and make sure things are as clear as possible. Assumptions can lead to much badness down the line.



sub4hire -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 11:04:06 AM)

quote:

Now, may i ask, when a Dom or Master indicates He wants me to be monogamous, does He also mean that He will be or do i need to ask?


You need to communicate with him Pink. Nobody is a mind reader and there are no stupid questions. If someone calls you stupid for asking one that is a person you don't want to be with anyway.
Everyone has different idea's of how a relationship will work. The only factor that we all agree on and which is imperative to any good relationship is communication.

Doug and I are monogamous, although we have also played together with other's in the past. That statement is something of a contradiction within itself.

Yet, it makes sense to us. Make sense?



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 11:36:32 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire
Doug and I are monogamous, although we have also played together with other's in the past. That statement is something of a contradiction within itself.

Yet, it makes sense to us. Make sense?


Well everyone likes to say "This isn't all about sex" Playing with others is very different from sexual contact with others. What matters is that everyone involved is ok with whatever boundaries are in place and clear on how they will be applied- whether that means no scenes, no sex, no oral, no genital, no anal, no kissing, no hugging, no talking- WHATEVER.




brokenhallelujah -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 11:58:14 AM)

First, to those of you who have not read John Warren's work, you should. Particularly The Loving Dominant.

On the issue of monogamy, I have to say that, as with all things in this lifestyle or any other, it's a personal choice, and should be arrived at after much forethought and introspection. And if a relationship is to be "open" in any way, it should be with the full participation and accord of both parties. There is nothing honorably dominant about putting another person into a position that is dangerous or potentially harmful for them.

That said, I have tried being "open" in the context of a relationship, and found it too be entirely too much work, honestly. It is simply more satisfying for me to pursue complete intimacy with another if it's just one other... So I guess that's a plank for monogamy from the economic perspective, not a moral one.

Play, however, is a different question, I think. My last submissive actually brought me another to dominate, but without any sexual involvement. Dominance and submission isn't always about sex for me, so that works well.

Good thoughts, y'all. I will keep following this one along.



randyd -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 12:58:29 PM)

If one has given themselves to a Dominant. Then it is all up to that Dominant and hopefully is something that has been discussed before that time. One thing you will find is that opinions will vary greatly within the lifestyle. These are things that should be discussed. Thankfully, there is nothing set in stone.



MasterTemujin -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 3:24:56 PM)

Communication is paramount. It is very important to know what one is getting into. For nothing is set in stone. My feeling is what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

R/S,

Master Temujin



Kinkypupper -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 3:28:02 PM)

In monogamy and such there should be NO double standard.
If a "dom" wants a submissive to be monogamous but THEY reserve the right to play with others and she is not involved is wrong and one sided.
It its monogamous it should be it its to be poly then it should be.
When its one sided then that is a sure sign that the "dom" is not who they way they are.



Veav -> RE: Monogamy -- at what point? (8/13/2005 3:37:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kinkypupper
In monogamy and such there should be NO double standard.
If a "dom" wants a submissive to be monogamous but THEY reserve the right to play with others and she is not involved is wrong and one sided.

Is that necessarily the case? It's one of those things where it should be addressed on a person-by-person basis, and so long as everyone involved is happy with the outcome, I don't see anything inherently wrong with a double standard like this. It's certainly not a rule I'd make - but like many other kinks, opinion != definition.

Mind you, I'd be interested in understanding the motivations behind said standard, but I wouldn't write it off completely.



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