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What is a Sub, - 11/29/2007 7:43:20 PM

stacee

Posts: 10
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline

Hello, I am new to the site and I think I will enjoy being a sub, well a type of sub. I always day dream, but I get the most arousal when force is used on me; when I am not in control; I don't know why. Is this a form of sub or is sub defined in only one way? Well, its what I want and what I feel. I want the guy to be in total control, to dominate, not because he's looking for something to take out his aggression on, but he wants to get and to give. I don't know its so hard to really express; but I think this is the best way to explore and figure out what I want, to define it and to find my boundaries. Is this in anyway what a sub means? I'm so confused.

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RE: What is a Sub, - 11/29/2007 8:24:03 PM

takenbyjohnr07

Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

For me eing a sub comes naturally. i was born loving to, please and serve. i've also drempt of the day when i would belong to someone and have him be in total control of me. That dream of mine has come true. To me it is something deep inside you that you always have. Real submission to me is not something that is forced upon you or only visible in the bedroom. It is a gift of yourself that is given freely and willingly.

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i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to stacee)

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RE: What is a Sub, - 11/29/2007 8:34:45 PM

stacee

Posts: 10
Joined: 11/27/2007
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So, is that the only way to define a sub? Someone who wants to serve and please? What and where can I find satisfaction for what I want? I want someone to have total control of me and force (but not really non-consensual, since that's really what I want from that person), I also have to trust this person, not just anyone I meet; and I feel this mostly sexually. I feel that this will be a way for me to let go of my inhibitions and be truly free. So, is the only definition for a sub (someone who embraces this in all forms of life; as opposed to me, who wants this total control mostly in the bedroom? If so, then how do I learn more? Can someone point me in the right direction then?

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

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RE: What is a Sub, - 11/29/2007 8:45:20 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stacee

So, is that the only way to define a sub? Someone who wants to serve and please? What and where can I find satisfaction for what I want? I want someone to have total control of me and force (but not really non-consensual, since that's really what I want from that person), I also have to trust this person, not just anyone I meet; and I feel this mostly sexually. I feel that this will be a way for me to let go of my inhibitions and be truly free. So, is the only definition for a sub (someone who embraces this in all forms of life; as opposed to me, who wants this total control mostly in the bedroom? If so, then how do I learn more? Can someone point me in the right direction then?

There are many that feel the way you do....they are usually refered to as "A bottom" So yes its fine to want to give up control just in the bedroom if you want....

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(in reply to stacee)

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RE: What is a Sub, - 11/29/2007 8:45:31 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

Is this in anyway what a sub means? I'm so confused.

Some people would consider that to be a sexual submissive, a bedroom submissive, or what is sometimes called a "bottom", meaning you like to be the one controlled during sex.

For some of us submissiveness is about more than sex. It encompasses how we live our lives. Normally I do not hand out links to this site, but in your case I think it can atleast make you aware of what many people think about BDSM and what submission and dominance mean... although it is far from the best resource, and I would suggest you read some books like "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns" or "The Loving Dominant".

Here is a link to that site, but please do not believe everything you read there, and know this site is far from the complete and total answer... and is overly romantic in my view

http://www.castlerealm.com/

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/29/2007 8:48:09 PM >

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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RE: What is a Sub, - 11/29/2007 10:03:10 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I noticed that castle realm isn't working...

This site has about the same type of information on it... remember, none of this is the gospel
http://www.submissiveloving.com/

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to juliaoceania)

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RE: What is a Sub, - 11/29/2007 10:08:37 PM

stacee

Posts: 10
Joined: 11/27/2007
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Thanks guys, really helpful, gives me a beginning, at least I know what's its called. I will check out the books and site too juliaoceania, thanks so much for the advice..on not taking it as a gospel.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

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RE: What is a Sub, - 11/29/2007 10:13:42 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Yes definitely do not feel a need to grab a label and hold onto it like a security blanket. It doesn't matter what label you choose, half the people will tell you that it's wrong anyway.

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RE: What is a Sub, - 11/30/2007 4:29:26 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Greetings stacee. Note that your not alone that is in this position. From my personal experience (very limited) i would suggest to just wait around, learn as much as you can and learn on how to contain your own self as a disciplined person. i personally think it's all in the chemistry between the parties involved.. There are no set rules or set ways, so stop clouding your mind and just concentrate on containing your own feelings.. The person that would find you interesting i'm sure will find the time to train you to there suit as W/we should never forget that each individual Dom/Domme has there own way of life and needs. Only then the respective parties can grow and flourish in the environment that will be set by themselves with a key harmonic factor. Until then stop worrying you only know what you are but you have not yet reach the next stage. Take it easy till then and keep your cool.. i would suggest to test the waters with your D once you do find to see if you can accommodate the requirements that you will be set, but also to see how much trust you can put to them. remember the keys : Love+Trust+Discipline=Harmony. i'm wishing you luck cause i need the same for myself to.. Take care..

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RE: What is a Sub, - 11/30/2007 7:40:31 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Yes definitely do not feel a need to grab a label and hold onto it like a security blanket. It doesn't matter what label you choose, half the people will tell you that it's wrong anyway.

I second this. Don't worry about the label, just enjoy yourself. There are no rules.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: What is a Sub, - 11/30/2007 7:44:42 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Yes definitely do not feel a need to grab a label and hold onto it like a security blanket. It doesn't matter what label you choose, half the people will tell you that it's wrong anyway.

I second this. Don't worry about the label, just enjoy yourself. There are no rules.

I concur too, but at the same time it is nice to have a rough idea of what people are talking about on forums like this one... I read castle realm when I first discovered my submissiveness... it did not brain wash me, but it was nice to have a rough idea of what people meant by their "labels"... and my sigline is an accurate reflection of my view on labels.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to OsideGirl)

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RE: What is a Sub, - 11/30/2007 8:42:04 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stacee

So, is that the only way to define a sub? Someone who wants to serve and please?

No. actually there are folks who identify as sub that have no interest in pleasing or serving another's desires, they are interested only in their own pleasure and serving it. they make and enforce rules, and whoever engages with them obeys those rules---or else.

there are also folks who identify as Dom who desire to surrender to another, to serve, to please, to be controlled, restrained and micromanaged by the sub of their dreams.

Most important thing to remember:

there is no One True Way/One Size Fits All

this slave would wholeheartedly advise you NOT to limit your research and experience to just the internet and/or books.
it has helped this slave tremendously to actually meet other folk in person and talk with them about their choice for this style of life. the experiences this slave has had are priceless.
a great place to start is a munch, public play-space(Dungeon), lifestyle group or club in your area. a lot of public play-spaces, clubs and/or organizations offer introductory to advanced classes on techniques, skills and relationship issues within their own space or as part of a yearly weekend retreat/convention.

this slave had to relocate to a larger metropolitan area and cling tightly to Master's leg to find and participate in clubs, organizations, munches, etc. within a reasonable distance.

http://www.southwestleather.org/swlchome/

http://www.folsomfringe.com/node/3

http://www.soj.org/resources.html

Good Luck!!!

(in reply to stacee)

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RE: What is a Sub, - 11/30/2007 11:11:44 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I always think the wisest thing a total newbie can do is just look for bedroom submission. Going from nothing to full blown slavery in one leap is easier in fantasy than reality. In fantasy, being punished is erotic, in reality it can tear you apart. Besides you don't meet a man in line for the movies and after chatting for ten minutes decide to get married, you shouldn't pick a d/s partner that way either. Find someone who is compatible and let the relationship grow.

Don't feel impelled to put a label on yourself nor to define your submission by someone else's standards.

I have however found that in general there are three common types of motivation in submissives. Some get off on service, they are perfectly happy going into a dom/mes house and cleaning it, and leaving before the dom/me comes home. Some get off on obedience; which means they don't want to do things ahead of time that they believe would make their partners happy instead they prefer being told what the partner wants. And then there are those who are motivated by emotional transparency; the need for total vulnerability to a partner they can trust totally.

None of these, or other motivations, is right, wrong or the only one true way. What matters here is that an obedience type shouldn't get together with someone who wants the service done without his/her attention. Because they aren't compatible and neither one will get their needs met.

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(in reply to Mercnbeth)

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