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need advice - 12/1/2007 8:31:30 AM   
dbcslave


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline
Heres my story. I've been seeing this Dominant for about 6 months and been collared for 2. He tells me how amazing he thinks I am and that he is going to marry me and I completely believe him and love him, but one of his desires is for both of us to have a slave. I like playing with women and so does he.. I just can't get over the fact that he wants another slave and that he plays with women without me and kinda behind my back. He's told me that he is going to play with other women and it just really bothers me and hurts. It makes me feel less valued to him. I've talked to him about it a few times, but have made no real progress. He just assures me that no one will come between us. I'm feeling confused about it all and I hate bringing it back up. I tend to wait and let it bottle up and I really don't want to do that anymore. Any advice?
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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 8:37:14 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		It sounds as though his extracurricular activities have already come between you, and you need to either communicate that to him somehow, make peace with it, or move on... it seems that those are your only options to me.

_____________________________

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(in reply to dbcslave)
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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 8:38:08 AM   
MrSpectacular


Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Sounds like he wants his cake and wants to eat it also.
It is your decision - it sounds like you are uncomfortable - so you should address it with him - tell him your concerns and how he makes you feel.


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Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 8:45:20 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Did the two of you discuss and agree that there would be play outside of the relationship?  Did the two of you set and agree to clear boundaries about that play?  Is he staying within those boundaries? 
 
If all the answers are yes and you are still uncomfortable, you need to talk and reassess the agreements and the boundaries, and maybe the whole structure of the relationship. 
 
If any of the answers are no, then you need to talk and re evaluate your decision to be in this relationship.



_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 8:49:07 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		That was really good Tress.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 8:55:20 AM   
LaMspeach


Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline 		If he told you from the beginning that he was poly and there would be others then it sounds like it is something you have to accept. I know it isn’t always easy but talk to Him about it. It sounds like he is trying to reassure you  by telling you no one will come between you, so trust him.  I am assuming you trust him with other parts of your life why not this?

I always think about it this way ... If anyone else can tear apart what Master and I have built then it  wasn't worth having to begin with....

Remember our insecurities can often put a wedge in our relationships faster then an outsider can.


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peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"



(in reply to dbcslave)
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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 8:57:14 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline 		slave,

Do you seek advice or reaffirmation? Clearly he is not your type of desired dominant in that he practices a poly style of the path.

I do not believe that it was discussed and now that you know, get on the stick and resolve it before you waste more time in our short life cycle.

CP

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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 9:06:21 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		Your not suited for poly or any thing above like this. Deep down you want him and him only i would say this. because it is so new back away re examine why you want this and why you want him. does he respect you and what you say about the relationship. Remember your still in the honeymoon phase of this relationship. So everything seems new

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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 9:27:36 AM   
dbcslave


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline 		i told him from the beginning that i was not poly. we've had very few discussions about it. i like playing though. i like watching him and playing with him with other girls. that stuff is all good. i love doing that for him, but he wants to play with other girls without me.. and probably wants to bring them into our relationship. i almost feel guilty for feeling bad about it because i want to be able to give him everything he wants. i just can't get over it.  

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 9:29:43 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well the guilt is your own cross to bear, as useless as it is.

I understand you said you were not poly- that doesn't mean that you both agreed that there would be no outside relationships or that you wouldn't try bringing in some chick to be used as a sex toy for you both on occasion.

I'd say stop letting your emotions overwhelm you and really start working on what was agreed on, what is expected and how to problem solve this TOGETHER.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 1:12:13 PM   
SexyBlackMan2


Posts: 108
Status: offline 		It sounds like a true discussion of limits and expectations are needed. Be very careful. If he is a true Master, then what does he have to hide?

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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 3:10:19 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		You're talking about marring this guy, or he's talking about it.   He's poly and you are not.  That can work  You seem to want it to work. 

What you agreed to in the beginning is less material IMO than dealing with the here and now and what is coming up for you.   But as long as you see his desire for others as being some kind of reflection of you, your value, etc. you will struggle with this.  In reality, for many poly folks it is not about your value but about something in them, needs, desires, etc.  Their desire for others is not because there is something missing or not working or negative about you, but because they are different emotionally.  Because they can love more than one simultaneously.

As long as you think to yourself, the only way I'd be into anyone else is if there was something wrong, until you don't project your monogamous lens on the situation you will have trouble accepting that he is different from you in this respect.  And that difference can be a good thing.



_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to SexyBlackMan2)
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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 3:21:40 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

Did the two of you discuss and agree that there would be play outside of the relationship?  Did the two of you set and agree to clear boundaries about that play?  Is he staying within those boundaries? 
 
If all the answers are yes and you are still uncomfortable, you need to talk and reassess the agreements and the boundaries, and maybe the whole structure of the relationship. 
 
If any of the answers are no, then you need to talk and re evaluate your decision to be in this relationship.




agreed and great post.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to yourMissTress)
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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 3:36:04 PM   
sexyone4you


Posts: 613
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		There has been great advice already given.  The best thing for you to do is to talk with him about your feelings & desires, and get his decision on what he plans to do from then going forward.  If it's not something you can live with or you will grow to resent him for it, then it's time to move on. 

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 4:26:41 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i don't understand if you said you were not poly how can he come to you and tell you he is looking to add another slave?  Sounds to me like either he did not hear you or didn't believe in your conviction to be monogomous.  He should have made it clear that this is what he intended. Him telling you he wants to marry you etc to me is a ploy to distract you by making you focus on the wrong thing.  He knows you love him so he mentions the M word and thinks you will have a lot more to weigh in deciding whether or not to leave the relationhip or accept his wishes.  Bottom line is if you do marry him it will be a LIFETIME of accepting poly - or divorce of course - but who wants to go into a marriage with divorce as a viable option to a situation that can be remedied before walking down that aisle. 

< Message edited by velvetears -- 12/1/2007 4:28:18 PM >

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RE: need advice - 12/1/2007 4:33:06 PM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		If he isn't going to stop, and you just can't get over it, there really only is one solution.

I think it is sad, and unfair, if he knew from day dot that you weren't poly.

Then again, maybe he see's that you are not only fine with, but actually enjoy seeing him playing with others, as consent on your part. Men and women often see the same situation and get a completely different meaning from the other.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.


(in reply to velvetears)
Profile   Post #: 16
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