RE: now here's a new one (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress



Message

AquaticSub -> RE: now here's a new one (12/2/2007 12:15:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Male sub or slave gets pissed at Domme for attempting to give aftercare. I thought I had heard it all lol


Everyone is focusing on the issue of whether or not aftercare is needed/wanted/mandatory and no one seems to be taking a look at the fact that he "got pissed off at the domina" for something like this.  He must be a huge asshole if she had time to go post this and he still hasn't apologized for inappropriate behavior like that.  I can understand if shortly afterwards his attitude might have come off wrong, but if he never went back and explained, he must be a piece of work.  Run fast.

Akasha



I don't believe the OP ever stated that he did or did not apologize or exactly what the circumstances were. If it was a situation like mine, where I don't like to be touched, I would feel no need to apologize if they continued to touch me. I am clear about it, if a bit snappish, usually saying "Don't touch me" or "Go away". If they continue to touch me in attempts to provide aftercare that isn't needed, ie. binding bleeding wounds, they are in the wrong.

If the dominant wants to touch me because of their desires, that is fine but it is not aftercare because it is not about giving me what I need after the scene. Again, definately all right but be up front about it before the scene starts so I can decide if I want to continue with you. For that matter, the OP never said if the submissive is owned by the dominant in question or if it was a scene at a play party.



jssubc -> RE: now here's a new one (12/2/2007 12:22:36 PM)

i have to admit that i am one of those that prefers to be left alone. i have often wondered if cuddling or caring is actually more beneficial for the Dominant. i dont have particularly strong feelings about it either way but i do know that after a very intense session Mistress likes to hold me and it tends to cause difficulties because i really want to digest and perhaps most importantly, "savour" the intensity of the emotions that have been evoked.
Different strokes ..........



laurell3 -> RE: now here's a new one (12/2/2007 9:19:35 PM)

The possible problem is aftercare is not a one-way street.  Sometimes the Dom/me needs the assurance of the sub as well.  Refusing to give them communication that says you are ok and they are too and you still care for them seems selfish to me.



MsIncontrol -> RE: now here's a new one (12/2/2007 9:46:37 PM)

My submissive is one of those who doesn't like a lot of after-care.  He likes to float in space for awhile.  I usually hand him a bottle of water, some candy and make sure he is comfy..and go on my merry way to chat.  We usually touch base the next morning or the next day after a particularly intense scene. 

I often wonder if the others talk about me and my lack of aftercare.  I really hate playing with those who require more aftercare than scene time...especially if it was a pretty light scene.  I also think some in our local BDSM group go way over-board with the aftercare...but maybe I am just bitter because they take all night to clear the space I want to play in.



AquaticSub -> RE: now here's a new one (12/2/2007 9:52:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncontrol

I also think some in our local BDSM group go way over-board with the aftercare...but maybe I am just bitter because they take all night to clear the space I want to play in.


They take up the space? I usually need aftercare to one degree or another but in public Valyraen, or whoever I was playing with, either helps me walk or carries me somewhere out of the way so that others can play. I'm usually quite happy to sit in a corner, knead the carpet with my paws and giggle.



youngpupforBCms -> RE: now here's a new one (12/2/2007 11:32:15 PM)

Hmm so thats aftercare, myself I would like that from the sounds of things and while it may take a bit to get my thoughts in order being able to share with someone while their tendering and caring for you would be very welcome to me.  However I can see how some would not like it as everyone is different on the spectrum for how they want to be emotionally treated.  For instance at my grandfathers funeral most of my family all wanted to be together to laugh and cry and so on.  Myself I was content to take the six pack of Coors, and go climb a tree and drink it while reminisincing by myself about him.  Everyones different on how they choose to deal with their emotions I guess was what i was getting at...lol



undergroundsea -> RE: now here's a new one (12/3/2007 12:53:07 AM)

I do not know enough about the situation (what happened before, specifically what behavior was exhibited towards being pissed, what the relationship dynamics are) to have a strong opinion either way. I am not asking for these details--my point is that such details are relevant.

My overall take would try to reconcile the ideas that one should be respectful and that submissives are not vulcans ;-)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I can understand if shortly afterwards his attitude might have come off wrong, but if he never went back and explained, he must be a piece of work.  Run fast.


I think this is vertical advice for a horizontal matter. It may catch one slice in the span of scenarios possible but misses others.

Cheers,

Sea



undergroundsea -> RE: now here's a new one (12/3/2007 12:56:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncontrol
they take all night to clear the space I want to play in.


A member in our community brought to us an idea from her prior community: an aftercare station. It is a corner with pillows and the like to create a comfortable nook for aftercare.

Cheers,

Sea



MaamJay -> RE: now here's a new one (12/3/2007 4:07:03 AM)

Aftercare ... yes I agree that it's important to find out what the sub likes/needs from their prior experience. I understand not everyone wants to talk in depth or debrief. However, I think all subs need some form of checking to see if they are warm enough, and to offer water and some food. However, before the scene I also explain what I need at the end of the scene, and that is, at the minimum, a chance to reassure Myself that the sub is grounded and safe to drive etc before they leave My place. Therefore when the session is first planned, I find out when the sub has to be elsewhere, and ensure that I leave a minimum of 30 mins, preferably a bit longer, between the end of the scene and their leaving. I also explain that I prefer some physical contact because I get much of My pleasure from the connection. However, if they say "No touching" I will respect that but will sit close by and just watch them till they come out of it a bit. Most have been happy for Me just to hold their hand, rest a hand on their shoulder, or stroke their hair gently.

Re an aftercare station, yes it is a good idea, We had one at Our Dungeon for the play parties ... the hardest thing was to keep other people from sitting there to observe the play. In the end We just said, ok sit there BUT if people have just finished a scene and start heading for the care corner ... VACATE! It worked pretty well.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



BoiJen -> RE: now here's a new one (12/3/2007 2:28:09 PM)

I sometimes need a moment ot get my shit together to say "thanks" and I have in the past gotten pretty pissed with a play only friend who insisted I get aftercare. I don't want it I don't need it. If I want it I'll tell you when I know I want it. Gimme my space and I'll let you know when I'm okay. The ONLY exception to this rule of play for me is the Lady in Charge. And then again...what's okay for me in "aftercare" is sex and I don't fuck or get fucked outta that relationship. Anything other than sex in those moments where I'm getting my shit together isn't okay for me. It takes away from the expereince. Again it's how it works for me.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: now here's a new one (12/3/2007 11:45:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Male sub or slave gets pissed at Domme for attempting to give aftercare. I thought I had heard it all lol


If he feels this way, then he can look at is as yet another service for her...because she may NEED to give aftercare as a part of what she needs FOR aftercare.

Master Fire



PlayfulGoddess -> RE: now here's a new one (12/4/2007 4:58:07 AM)

While instant messaging my new lil subbie boy (before we had actually met in person) I had asked him what he needed in "after care". 
 
There was a long pause, then type rec'd on my side of the monitor:
 
 
"to be untied"
 
 
I started laughing, and went "okayyyyy then!"



MystressDream -> RE: now here's a new one (12/4/2007 8:43:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Male sub or slave gets pissed at Domme for attempting to give aftercare. I thought I had heard it all lol


If he feels this way, then he can look at is as yet another service for her...because she may NEED to give aftercare as a part of what she needs FOR aftercare.

Master Fire



I happen to be one of those who requires aftercare, so this comment struck home with me.  I have one play partner who identifies as a slave.  When I asked him about aftercare before our first scene, he responded with "A slave does not want or need aftercare.  It would take me out of that headspace."
 
My response back was.... "Aftercare is as much for me as it is for the person who scenes with me.  I require it.  I require that "reconnect time" after beating the hell out of someone.  If you can't provide it, then we won't scene."
 
He smiled.... and said, "Whatever you wish, Ma'am".
 
Point being... It became a service to me, and in that context, he enjoyed it very much.
 
To paraphrase something someone else said on these boards.... I am NOT just a lifesupport for a whip. 



KindLadyGrey -> RE: now here's a new one (12/4/2007 11:57:57 AM)

While it is certainly important to respect a subs needs, I think people forget that a Dom/Top needs that aftercare time too. I would be very upset if I finished an intense scene with a sub and he/she did not want to spend a little quiet time together afterward. That's important to ME. I need it too. I could never just beat someone and walk away. It would hurt my soul.

Of course, I just make sure I play with boys and girls that like cuddles, and I never have this problem. . .but if I ever did. . .*tears*



Stephann -> RE: now here's a new one (12/4/2007 1:14:58 PM)

Lots of light, not a lot of heat.

I like giving aftercare.  I don't like it enough, that I demand the opportunity to provide it, if I think that aftercare is going to cause more damage than it does good.

Different people have different motivations.

Flinging insults at a hypothetical submissive who has specific needs seems like an exercise in MKIBTYK

Stephan



beltainefaerie -> RE: now here's a new one (12/4/2007 2:02:49 PM)

I think it is important to find out what kind of aftercare a sub likes before playing (if they are experienced enough to know).  For some it grounds them too fast if you are too concerned or "nice" afterwards. Others want cuddles or food. Personally, Master has learned that while I can be forced to talk after a scene, if he needs that,  I often prefer to curl up at his feet and be petted for a little while before any kind of talking, water, etc.  Sometimes I get really chatty after a little petting and otherwise I am just a quiet little puddle of gratitude. 



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2]

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125