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Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/2/2007 6:00:34 PM

liminalRapture

Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
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The universe seems to think I need to learn how to be friends with someone I'm not interested in seeing on an erotic context. It has sent me an avalanche of men, all demanding friendship. Ones I'm hopelessly smitten with but we aren't right on the D/s level, ones I'm not interested in on a romantic level but like as people, ones I could never see being friends with, but they are so demanding.

One man said he felt betrayed that I wouldn't be friends, when I'd warned him several times that if we didn't work out, I didn't think I'd be friends.

My feeling is, no, it doesn't make sense. But I feel like such a bitch! "No, I have a life and you aren't worth my time" isn't exactly a kind thing to say, even if you try to make it sound nicer.

Ladies--do you agree to friendship with the men that it doesn't work out with if the guy really wants to be friends, pressures, e-mails, guilt-trips, calls? What does "being friends" really mean? Can you exchange e-mail once a week and call it a day?

Do you get anything postive from the friendship? Or is it just a way to kill time? How do you tell someone "no--I can't be your friend" without being mean. I just told a guy who was really pressuring me to be friends "I'm sorry--we're just in different places in our life and you don't empathize with what I'm going through and I need my friends to empathize with me. You're focused on your career--where you really need to be focused. I'm older and focused elsewhere, and I really need that from my friends." I tried like hell to be nice, but I felt like such a bitch!!!

_____________________________

"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

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RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/2/2007 6:43:36 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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I am going through one right now, very similiar. Unlike you though, I am harsh enough to state right out that no, there can be no friendship; mainly because I know that eventually it would come to a demand that it go further. And that is not something that I can let happen. Sometimes you really do have to be cruel in the name of kindness.

/shrug

There are a few that I have met over the years that yes, I have developed a tenative friendship with; but it is still kind of strained on both sides, and very .... uncomfortable at times...but, we are trying

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RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/2/2007 6:47:09 PM

defiantbadgirl

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Joined: 11/14/2005
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OP, I hear what you're saying and have my own story to tell about friendship. My old bondage partner wants to be my friend. When I met him, his definition of "relationship" made the word sound like a synonym for engaged to be married. We started having bondage sessions under his idea of "working toward a relationship" but we never went out. Then I found out he considered himself in a "relationship" with a woman he had just met and started dating. In fact, he seemed to be interested in taking alot of women on dates except for me. I have told him time and time again that I will only be his friend after I get the same equal chance the other women had. Staying on good terms and remaining friends with an ex is one thing. Being friends with someone who deceived me and was unfair to me is quite another. Yet for some reason he is determined to be my friend whether I like it or not. Talk about annoying. It's amazing how people try to demand friendship.

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(in reply to liminalRapture)

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RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/2/2007 7:22:27 PM

sexyred1

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Joined: 8/9/2007
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It depends on your definition of "friends". I believe you only have a few good friends (my definition of friends is someone who really sticks by you, no matter what, you can trust them implicitly and they would come to help you at 3am).

There are not many who fit that category, most people fall into the acquaintance category or niche categories, the work friend, the gym friend, the woman you chat with while getting your nails done, etc.

When it comes to men, there are only two types of friends that I have come across.

1. Gay guys, who are fabulous friends.

2. Straight guys who:
a. you dated and broke up with and they said let's still be friends which translated means, maybe we can still fuck once in a while
b. you dated and have no sexual chemistry for them, but they hope you will change your mind so they try to be your friend and the pressure is on
c. you are into him, but he is not into, so you stick around hoping to seduce him
d. you both have zero sexual attraction for each other but enjoy each other's company (no wait, that never happens because the men I have met say that they have enough friends and want sex with friendship).

So, I choose honesty and tell whomever that I am never going to sleep with him so if he wants to hang out, great and if he tries something, I just slap him. Usually works well and humor is a good thing as well.

If you really do not enjoy someone's company without having sexual attraction, then why even bother being friends?

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

Post #: 4

RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/2/2007 8:06:21 PM

TethersEnd

Posts: 102
Joined: 1/29/2007
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Let's be friends...

Oh what a mistake that has been! I've tried more then once to befriend a man who I had no intention of having any kind of relationship with only to be hounded and stalked to the point where it drove me nuts cause I didnt want to offend them. It's caused me more Drama then I could deal with. Now even though I need to culitvate new friends I'm gun shy to the point of prefering to be by myself most of the time. I'd say, dont do it!!!!

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 5

RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/2/2007 10:43:19 PM

Sky42

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Joined: 3/19/2007
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As a rule of thumb... if someone is pressuring you and trying to guilt trip you, they arn't someone you want as a friend. A friend wouldn't do that.
A friend won't demand your attention.
A friend won't come to you with problems and expect you to fix them.
A friend won't humiliate you.
A friend won't expect anything of you.

So.... yes. IMO standard disclaimer of course.

(in reply to TethersEnd)

Post #: 6

RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/3/2007 5:42:32 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: liminalRapture

Ladies--do you agree to friendship with the men that it doesn't work out with if the guy really wants to be friends, pressures, e-mails, guilt-trips, calls? What does "being friends" really mean? Can you exchange e-mail once a week and call it a day?

Oh argh. Poop right on that! Being strong-armed to be someone's friend isn't friendship. It's being manipulated. I can hear the whiiiiiiiining from here. ~shudder~ I hate whining. I'd cut him loose entirely ... but then ... I don't mind being a bitch.

(in reply to liminalRapture)

Post #: 7

RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/3/2007 6:10:22 AM

Rushemery

Posts: 310
Joined: 9/10/2007
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You dont have to be friends with everyone. sometimes you do have to be rude to get your point across. I feel that if you have to make an effort to be friendly or have something to say to another person then there isnt really any reason to keep talking to them, if they cant take that its their disfunction and not yours. True friends are few and far inbetween, they dont ask for anything but honesty, people who always need something are users and disapear when you quit giving. I feel you shouldnt have to chase down someone to be their friend its either there or not

(in reply to liminalRapture)

Post #: 8

RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/3/2007 6:35:26 AM

agirl

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I've never agreed or not agreed to be friends with anyone. Friendship comes from a mutual desire to speak to, or spend time with each other; a genuine interest in each other. If it's one-sided it won't happen in any case. When it's not fed by both sides there's a natural falling away.

Some people don't recognise that the level of friendship they'd like isn't necessarily reciprocated. It feels like a rejection, and children face it from the first time they go to Kindergarten when they like someone who doesn't like them back. It's not about *not having time* it's about not being interested enough.

I wouldn't say to anyone that I *don't want to be friends* because, unless I dislike them, I'm content enough to be friendly.....but the friendship would be on my terms with the amount of interest or energy that I feel. I don't explain or make excuses; there simply is no point or reason to.

Where guys are concerned, if I couldn't be friends then I wouldn't have been interested in the first place. I can't imagine intimating that if we didn't *work out* then I didn't think I could be a friend. I can't go from a position of *high interest* to *no interest* just because we don't work out as a *couple*.

agirl

(in reply to liminalRapture)

Post #: 9

RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/3/2007 6:55:21 AM

liminalRapture

Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
Where guys are concerned, if I couldn't be friends then I wouldn't have been interested in the first place. I can't imagine intimating that if we didn't *work out* then I didn't think I could be a friend. I can't go from a position of *high interest* to *no interest* just because we don't work out as a *couple*.

The only place where this has happened, for me, has been a man whom I adored, just adored, but we weren't compatible on the Ds realm (he was interested in S&M and wanted a masochist who relished pain, which I'm just not) but I really wanted it to work and just saw it as a long-term, slow rejection, where I would invest most of my relationship energy in that friendship (that was intense--probably 20 e-mails a day, on average, plus getting together at least once a week). I just didn't see a way to balance that with finding what I yearn for.

_____________________________

"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

(in reply to agirl)

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RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/3/2007 8:03:55 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sky42

As a rule of thumb... if someone is pressuring you and trying to guilt trip you, they arn't someone you want as a friend. A friend wouldn't do that.
A friend won't demand your attention.
A friend won't come to you with problems and expect you to fix them.
A friend won't humiliate you.
A friend won't expect anything of you.

So.... yes. IMO standard disclaimer of course.

I like this post and is quite accurate of my experience with becoming friends with men both in my time in local communities and on this site.

I think you can be friends with men but my guard is up a lot higher with them and find more times then not that friends is merely an acceptable holding pattern to them until they think they find an opening to become more then just friends. It is one thing if they would like to be more than friends but are still respectful and treat you like a friend then only trying to act like a friend to become something else.

I mean how many times do men think they can ask about how your relationship is going both in cyber and real life and not think we are putting the clues together about what they are only really caring about.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Sky42)

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RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/3/2007 8:13:19 AM

TwiztdErotic

Posts: 155
Joined: 10/13/2007
Status: offline

Friendship should be natural, not forced. If you don't feel that connection, be honest about it.

(in reply to toservez)

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RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/3/2007 8:58:48 AM

Aubre

Posts: 478
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline

You - you got what I need, but you say "He's just a friend", you say "He's just a friend"

(in reply to TwiztdErotic)

Post #: 13

RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/3/2007 10:39:40 AM

unravel

Posts: 90
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sky42

As a rule of thumb... if someone is pressuring you and trying to guilt trip you, they arn't someone you want as a friend. A friend wouldn't do that.
A friend won't demand your attention.
A friend won't come to you with problems and expect you to fix them.
A friend won't humiliate you.
A friend won't expect anything of you.

So.... yes. IMO standard disclaimer of course.

i am pretty much with Sky42 on this one. i mean i wonder how in their minds the person you are talking about can see themselves as a friend if they guilt-trip you about it, and start adopting a borderline stalking behaviour about it?
It is not you who should feel bad here, but that person instead for his rather selfish behaviour, at least from what you described.
unravel

(in reply to Sky42)

Post #: 14

RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/3/2007 1:51:07 PM

gorgeous1

Posts: 367
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline

I have always gotten along with guys better than with girls. When I was single, yes I had lots of guys who claimed to just want to be friends, but later tried to turn it into something more. I found that really frustrating because even though I am a girlie girl and like makeup, skirts, etc., I like hanging out with guys because it's more fun. Girl's night out at the club acting like a tart isn't my idea of fun, sitting around watching a stupid chick flick or spending hours in front of the mirror complaining about imperfections...gag me, like, totally!

When I lived in the Bay Area, I was lucky though and found some really great guy friends who would invite me over for a guys night in and we would all just drink beer and play NHL on the Nintendo or watch lame movies like Excalibur, or go to the skate park and I'd watch them skateboard.

My husband gets along better with women. When we go out to social functions, he will get involved in conversations with women, I'll talk to men. It's totally non-sexual.

I have several very close male friends who are much older than me. We know each other due to my volunteer work and politics. Most of them are in their 60's and 70's. I know their wives, mu husband and I have had them over for dinner, I go to their homes for meetings, etc.

The way that I can do this as a married woman is I have some self-imposed rules.

1. No men are allowed in my house when my husband isn't home. If one of my friends needs to stop by to drop something off, or we need to talk in person, we sit outside the house in plain view of the neighbors.

2. If I need to stop by their house and their spouse isn't home, I take one of my children with me,

Basically, the rule is I am never alone with a man who is not my husband. I know my husband trusts me, and I trust myself, but I just think it's the right thing to do. Neighbors can be gossips.

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RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/3/2007 3:15:37 PM

curiousfox

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline

You can't force a friendship. It's soemthing that develops over time, IMO.

(in reply to liminalRapture)

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RE: Can't We Just Be Friends? - 12/3/2007 5:22:03 PM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline

my experience . . . . men and woman don't do friendship well. They say sure, we'll be firends, but if there's any other agenda it's just a way to keep in contact while an attempt to manever that agenda takes place. i have male acquaintances but no male friends, particularly in this lifestyle with all the polyamory etc. i tend to feel if a man does not listen to a polite decline then a firmer more direct approach is justified. For me i've simply stated - sorry, i just can't be friends with men - it gets too complicated.

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She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

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Post #: 17

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