stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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I know what the OP is saying and it resonates with me and I have my own individual advice.
I'm writing as a TS female and I guess I'm writing on behalf of quite a few who either been or are in my situation.
Okay, so seeing the answer is one thing, but it's not enough. Nor is knowing what to do. There's got to be more.
I spent many years knowing I had to get through the whole gender reassignment process. I worked it out, even mapped it out and I've also come from an abusive background. But I have had to hold back for many years duie to my circumstances and also a lack of support from other people, which is what I pick up from the OP.
I looked and looked and searched and searched and never managed to find either the right circumstances or the support network, which I admit is a primary reason for being in the community anyway. The problem is nowadays is that unless you're "successful" and photoimage perfect very few people really want to get to know you as many people out there are looking to fulfill their needs and either have a set agenda or a set of criteria against which they measure other people. This obviously doesn't apply to everybody but the people who are able to understand and who know that relationships and friendships are formed from imperfect people who have less than ideal needs and wants appear very much to be in the minority.
I feel that the issue here isn't that the OP knows what to do or doesn't, it's perfectly clear that they do, but it's also perfectly clear to me that they don't feel that they've got the courage or strength within them and they are looking for support of some sort from someone else.
The marriage appears to be dead, as does the relationship, and this compounds the whole situation. If you feel it's easy to leave someone with a major health issue like diabetes not knowing that they're going to be okay, you go ahead and be my guest, but I would find it extremely difficult, and the D/s relationship has run its course too. So we're looking at a major leap into the great unknown, a leap across a chasm.
I've been there, I know what's it's like. I've actually been there twice.
In both cases I bit the bullet and decided to go it alone because nobody was there for me. In both cases it cost me dearly and I paid a much heavier price than I thought I would. The last time it happened two years ago I spent months actually thinking that this time I was never going to get through. but you know, I'm actually here and able to write this on a computer in an apartment hooked up to the broadband Internet helped to this point by a lot of other people through kind words, small gestures and so on. Everything you go through has two sides - good and bad.
But you know what? Take a walk outside and go look into any tree. You see a bird? Okay.. that bird is totally unconcerned with what's going to happen next in its life. Doesn't have a clue when its next meal is coming from, has no idea when it's got to migrate, and do you know what? That bird lives, breathes, finds something to eat and also flies south and migrates at the right moment.
I'd suggest to the OP that you forget about looking to other people for support, because you're in a difficult situation anyway, and the way many people are nowadays you're only going to put yourself into a very vulnerable situation.
You jump off a bridge into a deep river and what happens? You fall, hit the water hard and go under water, get close to the riverbed, but also you come straight back up to the surface.
I'm therefore suggesting that you completely let everything go, everything, just let it go, take a deep breath, bite the bullet, and go it alone. Let it all go, let everything go, and watch as how your life collapses all around you. accept that this is going to happen, but also accept that you're going to pretty quickly hit rock bottom and it's going to start getting better and from that point onwards you can start rebuilding your life from scratch the way you want it.
This is what I have just done. Two years ago today I had nothing, I was street homeless in Eastern Europe and sleeping in empty frozen railway carriages and on night buses in a city deep with snow and subzero temperatures. Today I'm been cleaning an apartment close to Central London, talking with friends, arranging how my bills are going to be paid over the next few months and tomorrow plan to go and do some Christmas shopping. Next week I fly out to my SO for the first time. It might not work out, but you know, she's spent months in front of a computer helping me through this, it'd be nice just to be there to say thank you, if nothing else.
I'm therefore living proof that when you say 'sod this' and let your whole life collapse it's usually much better than fighting for... erm... what is it you're going to gain by struggling to hold onto what you have already? A heart attack? Years of bitterness and misery? I don't know how old you are but life is short - VERY short, and you usually run out of time and die when you least expect it. Why waste time ion your life sharing it with people who don't accept you and who don't really appreciate you for you or make you happy or love you for you?
The other thing is, when you bite the bullet and put yourself in that vulnerable position, and I mean very vulnerable, good people start appearing as from nowhere and you will find people who will support you. Read this thread, how many people have spent a bit of time here thinking about you and your problems? Learn to accept kindness from people, no strings, and try not toplace too many demands on them, only what's essential, and trust me, not only will you get through this on your own if need be, but you'll find other people there to help and support you. People are essentially good and this is their true inner nature, only wise and kind people are few and far between - just so as you learn to appreciate them when you come across them - and if you can keep away from those who are succumbing to stupidity or selfishness you should be fine.
Remember what Marie Curie once said - "There's nothing to be feared in this world, just things to learn and be understood."
Therefore I'd say choose your moment, take a deep breath, count to three (or ten) and go for it, and change your whole life.
< Message edited by stella41b -- 12/4/2007 9:10:51 PM >
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