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RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 2:05:17 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Because of her, in an effort to be the best friend I can be, I have learned much about the healing process and much of the after effects of the abuse.  I appreciate further insight from other survivors because it helps me understand her and it helps her know she is not alone in her struggles.

When she came to me with this revelation, my first consideration was for her well-being.  I have had her discuss this at length with her therapist, BDSM friendly by the way, in order for her to clarify the reasons she is coming to this now.  Further, I wanted her to be prepared for the intensity and the potential fallout that only she will be able to fully appreciate.  After much discussion both with me and her therapist, she has come to the decision to move forward.  We hope this will be a positive thing for her despite the clear difficulties she will likely face along the way. 

Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.  I know I, and others, will gain insight and some comfort from your courageous decision.  I wish you well in your process.

lovingpet

(in reply to carlie310)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 2:09:44 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I agree wholeheartedly and have proceeded as cautiously as possible (and still am).  As I responded to carlie, I have required her to explore this in therapy first and engage in discussion with me for quite some time now.  I cannot say what her intentions are, but I have taken the steps that I know of to prevent her from using this as a way to self abuse or relive her pain.  Catharsis is my desire for her, not further harm.  I hope I am doing the right things for her.  Thanks for your post.

lovingpet

(in reply to goodgirl08)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 2:30:35 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The fact that her therapist has given a thumbs up and is prepared to discuss the outcome is by itself an indicator that there will be no irreparable harm as an outcome. She may indeed need to discuss this for the next couple of months but she already has in place the needed safety net.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 3:03:40 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		i must say that Charlotte's post is probably the most profound that i've read on here, because it reflects my experience as well.....In my 'vanilla' past if i shared that i was struggling with some issue or lingering memory or anything else from my abusive past, i generally faced a great amount of ridicule.  Now, however, i'm encouraged to share with Him when things are getting tough, or even just a quick thought.... An example would be the other night...It had snowed and become very icy here....He had called and said i sounded "odd" and i blew it off...i called Him back within an hour confessing that i did know in fact that i sounded odd and why.....i spoke to Him of the correlation that had to do with my abuse....The thing for me is, when He holds me and let's me cry and eventually tells me it's going to be okay....somehow i believe that now. 
Additionally He and i had many (MANY) talks in the beginning about what my motivations were about getting into a M/s relationship as His concern was He did not want me to be involved if it was somehow reliving my past.
i will tell You something else about my first 'scene' i had ever done....One of the mistakes the people i had scened with made was they kept whispering to me afterward....They, of course, had no idea that at that time it was a major trigger for me...Perhaps You might have a conversation with her about her need to be completely honest with You (despite how much she might feel like she's failing You or herself if she's not okay during the scene) and additionally talk to her about what her 'vanilla' triggers are.
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 12/5/2007 3:05:19 PM >

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 5:14:11 PM   
opensoul


Posts: 77
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		 Lovingpet, you sound like the right person for your friend to have at this very moment in time. I was raped and had for many years covered it up anger about how I could have been so stupid it happened. I never trurely let go, but I moved on. I can to this lifestyle alittle over a year ago and found I had not found or let go of all my issues, THANKFULLY I found my Master, He has been soo supportive, during those times of triggers, some I never knew were there, some I did not or could not face. We talk, he lets me talk about how I feel about it , cry if I need to, get mad, and he listens, he touches when I would pull away helps me face that sometimes I run not to the people I need but away for fear they will not understand or care. I had too many before him who would run away or just not want to hear and understand.
One word that I have begun to understand and learned to live and recieve, this is very important is Unconditional Love.
I felt and I let some tell me that I was bad for being raped. They were wrong. I and every other person who has been abused is not bad and they are worth so much because we have not let the person who hurt us keep us done.
  Your friend has made a wise choice, you care and want to help. Love , listen watch for all her clues, even after play check on her and always remind her she is a great friend and you care.

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 5:31:23 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for posting with such depth and care.  I have found myself during the course of this situation following her lead as far as when and what she wishes to discuss.  We are very good about not letting each other ignore our problems, yet giving each other the distance and discretion that may be needed.  Sometimes she wishes to give a quick answer with little information attached, other times it is a full and emotional disclosure.  Either way, I listen, comfort, and check in on her.  We have had discussions about triggers and we have been friends for so long that we read each other fairly well.  She a major priority right now despite a lot of other distractions and I want to keep her there as we move through this together.

Thanks again,
lovingpet

(in reply to burningdesires47)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 5:33:12 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I couldn't agree more.  I have been a part of some of her sessions when it has been appropriate and believe that her therapist is competent in the matters that most affect her.  Thank you for your post.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 5:38:50 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Triggers!!!  A big one for both of us on one level or another.  She has told me, or even needed me after painfully discovering, a new trigger.  I have been there when a new one surfaces.   She knows that I can handle her, but is most unsure about handling herself.  I have urged her to not worry about that, to let go and just let me carry her in those moments as I already do.  She does worry abou letting me or herself down, but I can only reassure her that I am absolutely, positively always there and doing the best I can for her and that she can't really change that no matter what she does or goes through.  Friends to the end or the new beginning, however one chooses to look at it!

lovingpet


(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 5:46:15 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I just wanted to say thank you very much for your post.

jenn

(in reply to burningdesires47)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 5:47:40 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am trying to be the best friend I can.  This comes before any thought of play.  I know what it is like to have people refuse to play after knowing my past or witnessing a not-so-fine moment.   I know how hard it is to keep from feeling like a failure when a scene goes bad or TMI has been exchanged.  I am hoping that our lifelong friendship will allow us to do what we simply cannot or will not with anyone else.  We feel safe with each other and are, obviously, quite close.  I am just making sure I have taken all the steps and precautions I can to protect her and assist me.  It is hard for me to see her broken down, but I know from my own experience that there is so much insight and perspective to be gained by playing responsibly.  I want her to have every possible tool at her disposal to become more than a survivor and be able to take hold of life again.  I will never rush her or judge her process, but just stand by and watch her flourish as the times and seasons of her life are right.  Your post encouraged me greatly.  Thank you.

lovingpet 

(in reply to opensoul)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 5:48:18 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		lovingpet,

i think she is very fortunate to have you.

jenn

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 5:53:32 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I just wanted to take another chance and say thank you to all who have been posting.  Even if I am not able to respond directly to your post, it means a lot to get the advice and wisdom of others to assist us.  I try to provide further information as requested or becomes apparent is needed and to answer direct responses.  All are valuable to me and I encourage all that visit to keep on posting, it can only help in the long run both me and others that seek the best despite the past.

Thanks again,
lovingpet

(in reply to burningdesires47)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 5:54:59 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you so much!!  That means a lot to me!

lovingpet

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 6:11:45 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		It would take forever to psychoanalyze the reasons and the past childhood experiences that lead to this. I have not been sexually abused but verbal and physical abuse from a disfunctional family environment. I guess this is what I learned to equate with love........

Being taken to subspace is very intense for me. I become a little girl and I feel small and loved. Subspace occurs after extremely physical and hard play that is painful and bruising.It gives me the masochistic attention that i crave. When taken to subspace is when I bow at a Doms feet without being asked and i kiss them in appreciation. It is also the time that I feel like saying" I love you". The problem with this is when I dont know the Dom and it happens too soon in the relationship. It creates artificial feelings that arent necessarily warranted. So irresponsible Doms can really take advantage and easily hurt me emotionally. Luckily, i have met someone who I have been seeing as my Boyfriend and Dom. He took his time with me and took me there step by step. figuring out how I ticked before getting me there. I was not taken to subspce until we had been seeing each other for over a month. I really appreciate this as I was able to not lose my head over him prematurely and he was able to show his worthiness and integrity. I have been fantasizing more about him collaring now but I still am taking things in a reasonable fashion as feelings take time. BDSM really intensifies emotions for the sub. So I hope you Masters out there that are "playing the field" know that you have fragile feelings in your hands and utmost honesty is called for.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 12/5/2007 6:28:46 PM >

(in reply to burningdesires47)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 6:33:21 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

She has had some therapy, but she is finding that there are new things still surfacing that she had no memory of.  I have been her best friend for some time.  This is just a new phase of our relationship.  We hope that the experiences we have together can bring deeper intimacy to our friendship.  We both have past issues of varying kinds and have helped each other through a lot already.  I only want to hasten her healing, not traumatize her further.  I want her to experience good in life again.

Thanks,
lovingpet 


It's fortunate for your sub you care so much.  I think that if she has issues, maybe you can ask about all of them and work around them.  If there's lots she doesn't know about, maybe some hypnosis to get her to beable to remember or figure them out?  I'm not sure how effective hypnosis is..depends on the individual and what its for.  I know you care a lot about her, maybe don't look too much at the end result you want, but enjoying her healing process together.  Some things you just can't control, as much as we would like. 

About subspace... wellll my experience with sub space is it's like a spa:  like relaxing in a tub with oils and getting a massage.  Just puts you in a whole other realm of enjoyment, pleasure, and relaxation.  Think the issues will surface on the way to subspace.   I agree with the other posters, don't think being in subspace will bring out issues.

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 6:51:53 PM   
GoddessTeaze


Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline 		In order to respond to your question regarding sexual abuse and subspace. It's a great and loving question you ask for you and the girl involved. Wwe Aall can learn from how to handle with loads of love and care regarding people who suffered abuse.

It should be handled with care, and there should be alot of time and love, and patience there, and alot of reasuring.

My girl met wrong people in Bdsm ,and has been molested by them. she still suffers great deal, and experianced her having flashbacks, by just talking to her, so I made her go seek help to work these issues out with someone profesionally. I can only do so much, with My skills, but I'm no counseler, just her loving Dominant who is there for her.

I'm very proud of her that she is busy with seeking help, and surely I keep a good eye on her, on what kinda help she is gonna get, and hope she meets the right counseler for her, because that's not always a garantee , when you're gonna seek for help out there.

I love her with whole My heart, and told her that Oour Bdsm will be on a second level, since she aint stable, I don't want to risk of doing any more harm to her, then there has already been done to her.

So I keep it very light, and put her on number one, i listen to her,and her none verbal signs, and let her feel safe and secure, I won't push limits, and let her learn to trust, and above all, let her experiance its ok, and she is fine, that there is no better way to have Bdsm, then when there is love involved. I reasure her allot, and comfort her, and ofcourse I talk to her, and take things very slow.

I have her write an essay after her serving, in which she can freely express her feelings regarding the things which Wwe did together, which gives Me even more insight on how she experianced things, things she felt difficult or which she enjoyed, and that's a great way to learn from her even more so !

I know every sub is an individual, and works differently, I hope you've gotten a little bit more insight also from My responds.

I wish Yyou both well, and am curious how it will develope!

Warm greetings

GoddezzT`


_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Sexual Abuse and Subspace - 12/5/2007 9:41:25 PM   
decstorm37


Posts: 95
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline 		LovingPet sounds like you are doing the best thing for her. She is very lucky to have someone like you.

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)
Profile   Post #: 37
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