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Need Advice - 12/4/2007 11:35:47 PM   
MisTabsDratt


Posts: 32
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline 		Ok, so this is probably my first new thread.

My Wife/Mistress and I are having some challenges in the D/s zone. 

To set the background, we have lots of vanilla demands.  Kids, family, work etc.  Consequently, we don't get to "play/scene" nearly as much as we'd like.  Sometimes it can go into the "months" category.  Not to say we don't do more vanilla sex stuff, just not very much by way of D/s.  I should also point out that I'm not a "doormat" type sub.  I'm very assertive/successful in my work and other relationships.  I'm not submissive to hardly anyone except for my Wife/Mistress.

Now my Wife/Mistress seems to be able to fully stay in the Domme mode.  After a long road, she has embraced her "inner bitch"  :) which I love.  At the drop of a hat, after not playing for a long while, she can jump in and we can do a great scene. 

For me, it's much different.  If we don't play for a while, I end up dropping out of my "Sub" mode and slowly revert back to my "Husband" role.  I end up having more expectations from her when it comes to sexual activities, more assumptions of reciprocation etc, and as one could imagine, this creates many challenges as She is generally still in Domme mode.  I frequently end up feeling rejected when she will have me go down on her and refuse any reciprocation.  Now in the context of D/s, I love to serve her orally and don't have a screaming need for reciprocation.  But when time goes by and I've reverted to the husband role, I end up taking the lack of reciprocation personally.  Like she doesn't care enough to do something for me.

The most recent challenge that sparked this post was, after a good while without any D/s activities, we had a fun little T&D session.  I was much more pushy than I normally would have been, but She was very strict and I was denied.  This was the evening before I had to go on a business trip.  Before I left, She ordered me to be "good" on the trip.  The first night I was, but the second night I was weak and ended up being "bad".  This is by no means the first time I've screwed up, but I felt very guilty about it.  When I talked to my Wife/Mistress this evening (I'm still on the road) and confessed to having been bad, she was VERY upset.  She pointed out that most of the T&D/Chastity play that we have done has been mainly my kink, so she was very frustrated that when she actually did something, I ended up screwing it up by not being chaste as requested.  She also stated that she feels like when I disobey, I'm being outright defiant and therefore have no respect for her as a Domme.  In my mind, I don't feel that way at all.  I get horny and weak and after a while, end up succumbing and feeling terribly guilty afterwards.  I never feel any lack of respect for Her, but She says that the act of disobeying in and of itself proves that I don't respect Her as a Domme.

I tried to explain that it's very difficult for me to stay in the "Sub" mode without us doing things more frequently etc.  And it's difficult for me to suddenly get into and stay into sub mode from one quick/isolated D/s activity.  This did not seem like a reasonable answer to Her.

I've talked to Her about maybe putting in some "maintenance" type D/s activities... Little small things to keep my head in the right space.  But they always seem to dwindle quickly.  Since it's not really required to keep Her in Her Domme space, I think she doesn't put as much importance around it.

So I'm seeking advice, prefereably from folks in a Femdom/MaleSub perspective, but any advice would be much appreciated. 

Do others run into similar issues?  Any ideas on how to make things function a bit smoother?  Keep me in my "Sub" mode even when the vanilla world comes crashing down and we don't get to do any D/s stuff for weeks on end?  Do others have trouble switching from spouse to sub?

Slave Dratt


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Mistress Taboo's Slave/Husband
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RE: Need Advice - 12/4/2007 11:56:43 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		greetings dratt,

i think that creating rituals for yourself is important. obviously your dominant doesn't need them, but if you do, keeping those small rituals in place for yourself and not letting them dwindle is important. it seems that for you your ability to submit is tied to sexual and/or outward displays of dominance, so maybe constantly mentally reminding yourself of your place will allow you to transcend that. for me, it helps to not separate vanilla and d/s. obviously he can't lead me around on a leash in public, but i am always a slave to him, regardless of whether i'm tied up and he's whipping me or i'm just at work doing normal, everyday things. to me, neither one is more "submissive"...i can do "vanilla" things and not lose the d/s mindset. i think that's an important mental re-orientation for you, and i agree that rituals may be a good way to go about it...also consciously thinking about it on a regular basis and monitoring your thought processes in terms of when you slip into the "husband" role. part of my duty as a slave is NOT to let myself slip into behavior or thought patterns that are displeasing to him, so while i try not to overthink myself, i do catch myself when i do that and try to stop it. it requires a conscious commitment to really being willing to change your thinking and behavior, even when things aren't going ideally, though. i wish you luck in your journey!

respectfully,
annabelle.


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(in reply to MisTabsDratt)
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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 3:25:44 AM   
LittleWench


Posts: 265
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline 		It doesnt matter if she doesnt need the rituals... if you do then she should be helping with that, not just as your Domme but as your wife, your life partner.  Ask most any Dom/me and they say that its very important to remind a sub of their place, to remind them where they belong.

If she is in Domme mode all the time then it shouldn't be a real stretch for her to give you tasks, set you rituals that are reminders of her power, your submission.  I know there are all flavours of Dom/mes but those who think they can just sit back and receive submission without any effort on their part aren't giving the relationship as much energy as the sub is.

Edit:  I added more because I felt like all I did was criticize without offering any real advice or suggestions.  My Owner and I are changing our vanilla relationship to one based in D/s.  One of the things I did was spend a lot of time browsing websites such as...

http://www.peter-masters.com/understanding_submission/undersub.html#intro

http://www.enslavement.org.uk/essays

http://www.mybdsm.com/pages/Koilily/rules.html

http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

Each of these sites will lead you to many more.  I didnt agree with everything I read, not everything fit, but when I did find something, perhaps in an article about training a sub, or even in erotic stories I would highlight it and pass it onto my Owner and tell him why it interested me, how it made me feel, why I thought I would like it, why I thought it was good (or bad) or valueable (or meaningless).  Through this we are slowly incorporating more and more D/s routine into our every day.

We have also made the agreement to add little increments once per month and check in each month and see whether we have hit the sweet spot or whether one or either of us needs more added, or needs it toned down.  Slowly, we will find the right spot for us, and I have no doubt you and your lovely Lady can find the right spot for you too.

Communication - its always about communication :)


< Message edited by LittleWench -- 12/5/2007 3:49:03 AM >

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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 8:08:53 AM   
MisTabsDratt


Posts: 32
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline 		hisannabelle/LittleWench,

I've thought about your comments.  There are some challenges that I face.  Firstly, my Wife/Mistress is of the school of thought that a sub's servitude should be given, not demanded.  While I agree to a certain extent, it not feasible for most, or at least us, for Her to be beating me into submission all the time.  However, and I don't know if this is just a male thing or what, but I find it hard to get into the sub space on my own.  I do want to focus on Her and Her needs, but at the same time, on a day to day basis, it's hard for me to stay focused on D/s type things.  I end up dealing with work and other family issues and She does not end up on the top of the list... Or at least not from a D/s perspective.

Now to give some more background, we do have a decent amount of baggage that we are trying to work through.  During the beginning of our relationship, I was the more kinky one and tended to guide what we did in that respect.  As one can imagine, most of our play was focused on me, and my kinks etc.  Now that She has come into her own, she seems resentful of our past style and feels that the focus should be on Her.  While I agree, more often than not, She wants me to initiate the D/s mode by submitting to her etc.  Conversly, I generally want to have things initiated by her demanding submission from me.  When she gets authorotative with me, I immediately get very submissive.  Now by demand, I'm not saying whipping out the cane or something, it can be as simple as the tone of her voice.  But She still feels that She shouldn't have to and I should submit of my own desire.  I've tried to explain that when I do submit to her demands, it essentially is of my own desire.  She is not "forcing" me to submit.  She is very authortatively telling me to submit.  But I still have a choice.

Anyway, this normally ends up with us not doing much.  She's waiting for me to submit,  and by the time I get to that D/s space, I'm submissive, but pushy from desperation.  I start topping from the bottom and everything goes to hell in a handbasket.  We end up walking away from things for a while and being very frustrated with each other.  I know there's a basic disconnect, and I acknowledge that's it's probably on both our ends, but it doesn't seem to be something we are figuring out.

I do love Her very much and wish to be submissive to Her on a much more consistent basis.  It's just been a very bumpy road.

Does any of this sound familiar?  Or am I on my own here and just being a dumb guy... :)




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Mistress Taboo's Slave/Husband

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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 9:43:35 AM   
gorgeous1


Posts: 367
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MisTabsDratt



I tried to explain that it's very difficult for me to stay in the "Sub" mode without us doing things more frequently etc. And it's difficult for me to suddenly get into and stay into sub mode from one quick/isolated D/s activity. This did not seem like a reasonable answer to Her.

I've talked to Her about maybe putting in some "maintenance" type D/s activities... Little small things to keep my head in the right space. But they always seem to dwindle quickly. Since it's not really required to keep Her in Her Domme space, I think she doesn't put as much importance around it.



Do others run into similar issues? Any ideas on how to make things function a bit smoother? Keep me in my "Sub" mode even when the vanilla world comes crashing down and we don't get to do any D/s stuff for weeks on end? Do others have trouble switching from spouse to sub?

Slave Dratt




I am a submissive wife, but YES, I have the EXACT same issues as you! I don't think I can give you advice, I am only commiserating with you. I WISH he would create some rules for me that would keep my mind focused on being submissive to him. I wish he would do more micromanaging of my daily activities. I wish he would call me from work and say something like, "I want you laced up tight in your corset all day" or "When I come home I am going to inspect your body" or "I'm going to check all the chores you've done". If he could just give me ONE COMMAND for that day so that any time I did that particular activity, I would think of him!

I know how hard it is to go from being an "Alpha" and not taking crap off of anyone "out there" and then suddenly switch into a pliable and servile slave. If we had little "reminders" to keep us humble, we'd be ready to go all the time!

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Wife/property of CapnSpankins...and loving every minute of it! Visit my juicy blog http://www.kinkycrafts.info/gorgeous-blog/gblog.php for updates on my slave training!

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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 11:11:08 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You sound just like me. If he wants me submissive, ready and anxious to be tied up and used, then he can't go from talking about the garbage to that in thirty seconds. I need to get back into the right headspace and that includes some regular play. Five minutes of being spanked one night is more than enough to have me be soft and fluffy the next night. But I'm not a light switch, I don't just turn on.

I don't know what you can do except to tell her that without regular reminders, which really wouldn't take her more than five minutes a night max, you aren't able to feel submissive. And that if she wants you to submit, you have to have your needs met. But that the status quo might work for her but it doesn't work for you and that leaves you with an impasse.

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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 11:12:39 AM   
SayaNereida


Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline 		Slave Dratt,

While your Mistress/wife may hold some 'responsibility' to helping you get into the head space, unfortuantely the majority is yours.

Ryu and I are also moving from a purely vanilla relationship to a D/s relationship.  I have found myself having difficulty reaching the head space when it has been some time between scenes.  However, I have realized that IF I wish the D/s dynamic to BE our life, I have to stop looking at it as a 'head space'.

Part of the problem may be believing that in each role you must behave, think and feel differently.  You are who you are, regardless of 'what' you are; husband or submissive/slave.  Perhaps, IF instead of separating the 2, combine them.

Perhaps not viewing what you do in sceneing as sceneing but rather a part of your life and your relationship as well, may help.

The more we divide our lives, the more divided we become.

Saya





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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 12:57:28 PM   
LittleWench


Posts: 265
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Firstly, my Wife/Mistress is of the school of thought that a sub's servitude should be given, not demanded.


Dear MsTabsDrat,

I have to say first off your posts are so well written they are a delight to read!

OK servitude should be given not FORCED that is entirely different to not demanded.  She is the top, it is her right to demand anything she damn well pleases, including what you should wear, what you should cook, how you should walk about the house (on all fours with a pony butt plug or wearing nothing but a frilly apron).  These are all directions she should be giving you, because they let you know what she wants of you.

She should be in control of scenes, planning them, setting them up, making sure they flow smoothly.  NONE of that is your job, none, zip, nada.  Your job is to obey, but you need her to be telling you what to do in order for that to happen.  She cannot sit back and expect you to submit if she has given you no means to do that.

Having said that, it requires effort on both your parts to make this work soooo what can you do to keep yourself in the submissive mind set and keep giving her signals that you are there and waiting for her to pick up the whip?  One thing you could do is the instant the kids are settled is strip naked and run around wearing nothing but a collar... thats got to scream submissive.

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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 1:28:53 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		None of what I write is meant to trash anyone or the OP’s Mistress.

I have always had an issue with people who expect or preach a submissive should always be on regardless in absence of play, discipline sessions, rules and rituals. Submissive personality and living a form of power exchange relationship is two very distinct things. This life is called Dominance and submission and not just submission. There are simply two parts of the equation at work.

I wrote this to a person I was discussing the difference between being naturally submissive and being in the proper level in a power exchange relationship:

When you are in love with a person and have a submissive personality things like cooking and cleaning up after them is not a problem but a pleasure. In love a woman like me might give you a no strings blow job while you watch a game on TV. In love we will take into consideration what you like to see us dressed in or are hair like. But love and submissive does not mean we will always cook and clean when and how you want. Be tired and not in the mood and drop doing something to run to you and drop to our knees and give you a passionate no strings blow job, and does not mean we will always dress or have our hair exactly like you want it. There is just simply the effort, atmosphere of rules, rituals, discipline and kink (basically expressions of dominance over me) that make people like me go to that level.

I do not buy into even remotely the people who either state or want to project everything is purely natural. In probably many great relationships it probably just feels natural but things are being done under those comments. Many of the things done have multiple reasons and that includes things we often regard as rewards or fun but are also much needed discipline type actions.

There is nothing wrong if a submissive needs rules, rituals, consistent discipline and play. If anything I think this is far more natural and something I dominant should always consider even if these things are not needed for them.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to MisTabsDratt)
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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 2:48:45 PM   
tulitukka


Posts: 95
Joined: 10/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

I have always had an issue with people who expect or preach a submissive should always be on regardless in absence of play, discipline sessions, rules and rituals. Submissive personality and living a form of power exchange relationship is two very distinct things. This life is called Dominance and submission and not just submission. There are simply two parts of the equation at work.

There is nothing wrong if a submissive needs rules, rituals, consistent discipline and play. If anything I think this is far more natural and something I dominant should always consider even if these things are not needed for them.



I totally agree with you.

Being new to the lifestyle and as a dominant in the first bdsm relationship 24/7 has taught me quite a few things about myself and my girl. The way things seem to work for us is that it all comes down to whether I produce an aura of dominance or not. If I do, she tends to be very submissive and happy and when I don't, she starts having problems with submission, she tries hard to maintain it, feels guilty about failing and blames herself.

There are times in our life during which stresses take out a lot out of both of us. I'm trying to learn things I can do to maintain my dominance through those times, and also to learn things she could do to maintain her submissiveness. There are things she can learn, but she needs my guidance to do that. One of the 'easy' routes to maintaining the head space and roles is to use rituals. Neither of us is fond of rituals as we tend to be very spontaneous people (I like things one way this day, and another way tomorrow). So we need to figure out other things (and/or to figure out rituals that do work for us.

In my case, I feel truly alive when I am in a dominant mode - alive in a way I could never imagine before I started down this road. So I find the effort to be uplifting, something I want very much to do rather than a burden.

For the OP: To me it sounds like you may not be in this only for the sexual side of BDSM (though your wife might be?) I suggest you go and do a little trip in your mind and see if this is the case. Is it the case that you crave for another person who produces an aura of dominance. Is it so that this is when you feel like you are home, submitting. If you do find such things from within yourself, consider - have you discussed this part of yourself with your wife? In a way that she would truly understand? Discussion may or may not help, but at least you might understand each other and where you stand better.

As a practical suggestion, perhaps she could take control of some simple part of your everyday life. Might that help you feel her dominance? Depending on what kind of a person she is, she might also find it hot.

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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 3:07:40 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MisTabsDratt

She wants me to initiate the D/s mode by submitting to her etc. Conversly, I generally want to have things initiated by her demanding submission from me. When she gets authorotative with me, I immediately get very submissive. Now by demand, I'm not saying whipping out the cane or something, it can be as simple as the tone of her voice.  But She still feels that She shouldn't have to and I should submit of my own desire. 


sounds like you enjoy a more forceful approach to put you into a submissive state of mind, rather than being in that state of mind from the get-go, and she expects you to be in a submissive state of mind, regardless of the circumstances...

i'm automatically submissive, regardless of the circumstances, to the one i most desire to be around, so taking the passive approach with me works just fine. i'm also automatically very, very horney when a more forceful approach is used with me, regardless of the circumstances, so i win either way and so does my dominant...

with the two of you; it's an entirely different thing because it's apparent that it's more a conflict of personal needs, rather than a conflict of personal desires...

the two of you need to find a happy 'medium' by being a little bit more flexable 'for the sake of the other', not for your own sake for a change.

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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 6:00:27 PM   
petdave


Posts: 2479
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MisTabsDratt

I do love Her very much and wish to be submissive to Her on a much more consistent basis.  It's just been a very bumpy road.

Does any of this sound familiar?  Or am I on my own here and just being a dumb guy... :)


Man, i'm with you... doesn't mean you're not being a dumb guy, but at least you're not on your own i have a similar problem, because i'm naturally very submissive- to everyone, all the time, not one of the good subs like you- but i have to "act" as alpha male most of the time because it's what she needs (we have what i'd describe as kind of a Daddy sub/Domme girl relationship, which is weird). But, every so often she'll decide to pull rank, as i think of it, usually when we're visiting her family, and i'm supposed to immediately switch tracks from being the decision-maker, being the talker, being the do-er- which is all requiring a lot of conscious effort- to being acquiescent. Fucks me right up, and then she gets irritable and pouty, because i just *can't* switch over that way. As with your situation, we've discussed it a number of times, and she's made several promises to "do more", which usually last anywhere from a day to a month before becoming too much work, or some outside stress provides an excuse for her to go back to normal. 

All of which is to say... damned if i know. If  you figure anything out, hook a brotha up, 'kay?

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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 6:47:42 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		she is not getting the whole "both people get their cookies " part of the equation.

sit down and talk to her.

also you may find that having a collar put on and taken off, to designate the beginning and ending of play a session, could work it Pavlovian magic...yet i think this is a suggestion i would recommend in concert with the sit down talk.

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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 7:40:16 PM   
MisTabsDratt


Posts: 32
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleWench

quote:

Firstly, my Wife/Mistress is of the school of thought that a sub's servitude should be given, not demanded.


Dear MsTabsDrat,

I have to say first off your posts are so well written they are a delight to read!

OK servitude should be given not FORCED that is entirely different to not demanded.  She is the top, it is her right to demand anything she damn well pleases, including what you should wear, what you should cook, how you should walk about the house (on all fours with a pony butt plug or wearing nothing but a frilly apron).  These are all directions she should be giving you, because they let you know what she wants of you.

She should be in control of scenes, planning them, setting them up, making sure they flow smoothly.  NONE of that is your job, none, zip, nada.  Your job is to obey, but you need her to be telling you what to do in order for that to happen.  She cannot sit back and expect you to submit if she has given you no means to do that.

Having said that, it requires effort on both your parts to make this work soooo what can you do to keep yourself in the submissive mind set and keep giving her signals that you are there and waiting for her to pick up the whip?  One thing you could do is the instant the kids are settled is strip naked and run around wearing nothing but a collar... thats got to scream submissive.



First off, sorry, this was supposed to be a quote of SayaNereida posting.  New to the forums and hit the wrong button....


Well there in lies the rub... My Wife/Mistress has said that she thinks I might be more of a bedroom submissive instead of a full lifestyle submissive.  I don't really agree though based on my experiences when we have been playing actively.  We've been kinky for a good 7 years since we met.  Very heavy kinky, into the local scene etc for the last 3-4 years.  The big challenge is we run into a lot of baggage of past times when we were both figuring out what we want etc.  In the past there was a LOT of focus on MY kink... But a lot of that was me filling the void as She was new to things and didn't necessarily have a bunch of kink's fantasies she wanted to explore.  Lately we haven't played much.  It usually turns out that She has been resentful because of something I've done or not done and therefore hasn't wanted to play.  Most of the "bad" behavior of mine is because I'm not in a sub space and focusing on Her.  As one could imagine, this quickly becomes a very nasty downward spiral.  It eventually explodes, we question everything... Come up with a new plan of attack, which usually works for a few weeks and then old baggage/behaviors creep back in and down the spiral we go once more. 

Right now she's very upset because I disobeyed while I was on my trip.  For me it's challenging, because I really wasn't anywhere near a sub space and when I'm bored and horny in a hotel room by myself, well... things happen.  Honestly, I didn't think it would be that big of a deal since we have hardly played for the last few months, but apparantly it was.  We are currently trying to work through things.  To what end I don't know.  I know I love being submissive to her and serving her.  I know I don't focus on her enough.

One of the big problems I face is that I feel like things are very one-sided.  I will try to do things, dishes, help around the house etc... and I don't do them with the specific intent of Her playing me because of it, but I do hope that it might take some of the stress of Her and allow her to slide back into playing again.  This usually doesn't work and we won't play for any of a million reasons that happen in the vanilla world.  But our play goes on the back burner consistently.  So weeks/months go by and very little if anything happens.  I end up getting more desperate and consequently more pushy, which of course makes her shut down and not want to play.  Again, back to the downward spiral.

Anyway, no idea where to go at this point...

< Message edited by MisTabsDratt -- 12/5/2007 7:47:36 PM >

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Mistress Taboo's Slave/Husband

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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 7:46:02 PM   
MisTabsDratt


Posts: 32
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleWench

Your job is to obey, but you need her to be telling you what to do in order for that to happen.  She cannot sit back and expect you to submit if she has given you no means to do that.

Having said that, it requires effort on both your parts to make this work soooo what can you do to keep yourself in the submissive mind set and keep giving her signals that you are there and waiting for her to pick up the whip?  One thing you could do is the instant the kids are settled is strip naked and run around wearing nothing but a collar... thats got to scream submissive.


Well this goes back to her wanting me to submit of my own initiative.  She wants me to be "intuitive."  And to any guy, that generally makes us cringe.  Intuition is not my strong point.  :)

As to the show up wearing a collar in the bedroom... Been there done that... Usually just gets her annoyed that I'm "pushing".  I gave up on that a long while back.  We play when it suits her.  Period.  Any initiative on my part has been shot down enough times for me to not go down that fool hearty path anymore.


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Mistress Taboo's Slave/Husband

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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 7:56:05 PM   
MisTabsDratt


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quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

None of what I write is meant to trash anyone or the OP’s Mistress.

I have always had an issue with people who expect or preach a submissive should always be on regardless in absence of play, discipline sessions, rules and rituals. Submissive personality and living a form of power exchange relationship is two very distinct things. This life is called Dominance and submission and not just submission. There are simply two parts of the equation at work.

I wrote this to a person I was discussing the difference between being naturally submissive and being in the proper level in a power exchange relationship:

When you are in love with a person and have a submissive personality things like cooking and cleaning up after them is not a problem but a pleasure. In love a woman like me might give you a no strings blow job while you watch a game on TV. In love we will take into consideration what you like to see us dressed in or are hair like. But love and submissive does not mean we will always cook and clean when and how you want. Be tired and not in the mood and drop doing something to run to you and drop to our knees and give you a passionate no strings blow job, and does not mean we will always dress or have our hair exactly like you want it. There is just simply the effort, atmosphere of rules, rituals, discipline and kink (basically expressions of dominance over me) that make people like me go to that level.

I do not buy into even remotely the people who either state or want to project everything is purely natural. In probably many great relationships it probably just feels natural but things are being done under those comments. Many of the things done have multiple reasons and that includes things we often regard as rewards or fun but are also much needed discipline type actions.

There is nothing wrong if a submissive needs rules, rituals, consistent discipline and play. If anything I think this is far more natural and something I dominant should always consider even if these things are not needed for them.



The challenge we have faced with that is it tends to shift the focus away from Her.  If She is constantly having to do this and that to keep me in subspace then it ends up becoming focused on me.  Tease ME.  Deny ME.  Torture ME.  Cane ME.  Yes it works great to keep me in subspace, but it alters the focus of our relationship.  Everything is around me and my kink and my needs to stay in subspace.  Unfortunately, my Wife/Mistress doesn't need that much to maintain her Domme space, so it becomes very difficult to find a balance that keeps me subby, but doesn't make everything about ME.   The other challenge is that She is not one who is "accustomed" to being "pampered."  While I would love to shave her legs, bathe her etc, it's not something that really gets her off and ends up just slowing her down in what little time we have for lifes little luxuries like showers (3 kids).  I generally try to undress her while on my knees in the evening and that helps a little, but doesn't quite keep me focused enough.  We're still searching for that balance.


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Slave Dratt
Mistress Taboo's Slave/Husband

(in reply to toservez)
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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 8:01:33 PM   
MisTabsDratt


Posts: 32
Joined: 8/15/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tulitukka

For the OP: To me it sounds like you may not be in this only for the sexual side of BDSM (though your wife might be?) I suggest you go and do a little trip in your mind and see if this is the case. Is it the case that you crave for another person who produces an aura of dominance. Is it so that this is when you feel like you are home, submitting. If you do find such things from within yourself, consider - have you discussed this part of yourself with your wife? In a way that she would truly understand? Discussion may or may not help, but at least you might understand each other and where you stand better.

As a practical suggestion, perhaps she could take control of some simple part of your everyday life. Might that help you feel her dominance? Depending on what kind of a person she is, she might also find it hot.


Quite the opposite.  My Wife/Mistress is much more of a lifestyle Domme.  At any given moment she is 100% Domme.  For me, I am working to try to reach the same level as a submissive.  Not a doormat mind you, but a submissive that is always focused on his Domme.  Focused on her needs and desires.  What can I do to make her life easier, to please her etc.  Not that I don't have my own needs, but to try to find satisifaction in serving Her and focusing on Her.  I'm able to do it from time to time, but frequently slip out of it when we don't do any D/s stuff for a while.  And the longer we go without doing D/s stuff, the harder it is for me to focus correctly and the more frustrated She becomes and down the spiral we go... :)


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Slave Dratt
Mistress Taboo's Slave/Husband

(in reply to tulitukka)
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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 8:04:44 PM   
MisTabsDratt


Posts: 32
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds


sounds like you enjoy a more forceful approach to put you into a submissive state of mind, rather than being in that state of mind from the get-go, and she expects you to be in a submissive state of mind, regardless of the circumstances...

i'm automatically submissive, regardless of the circumstances, to the one i most desire to be around, so taking the passive approach with me works just fine. i'm also automatically very, very horney when a more forceful approach is used with me, regardless of the circumstances, so i win either way and so does my dominant...

with the two of you; it's an entirely different thing because it's apparent that it's more a conflict of personal needs, rather than a conflict of personal desires...

the two of you need to find a happy 'medium' by being a little bit more flexable 'for the sake of the other', not for your own sake for a change.


I'm very envious of your automatic submissivness.  It's something that I keep wishing/hoping I can work towards.  My Wife/Mistress is unconvinced that I'm actually capable of it.  And she's OK with that.  Ironically, I'm not.  I want to be focused on her and submissive to her by default.  Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to get myself into that submissive mode without the forceful dominance as a requirement.


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Slave Dratt
Mistress Taboo's Slave/Husband

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 8:19:24 PM   
MisTabsDratt


Posts: 32
Joined: 8/15/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

she is not getting the whole "both people get their cookies " part of the equation.

sit down and talk to her.

also you may find that having a collar put on and taken off, to designate the beginning and ending of play a session, could work it Pavlovian magic...yet i think this is a suggestion i would recommend in concert with the sit down talk.


I think she does actually understand the two-way street concept.  She just normally feels that I should be the one submitting first and then She will exert her dominance in response.  Unfortunately, that method is VERY difficult for me.  A couple of stern words and I'm on my knees with a raging hardon.  But expecting me to just show up and feel subby doesn't compute easy for me.

We have actually tried the collar thing.  The problem is, more often than not, our nightime ritual is after everyone is in bed, we try to unwind, watch a bit of TV and then head down to the bedroom.  About 50% of the time I undress her and then we take a bath and read for a bit and crash.  Not a lot of playtime available.  The did try the collar for a while, but it ended up putting the pressure that we HAD to play every night etc. 

The challenge is to encourage my submission and focus me, while not creating a "pressure" that something HAS to happen.  We HAVE to play etc.


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Slave Dratt
Mistress Taboo's Slave/Husband

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: Need Advice - 12/5/2007 8:22:29 PM   
MisTabsDratt


Posts: 32
Joined: 8/15/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

Man, i'm with you... doesn't mean you're not being a dumb guy, but at least you're not on your own i have a similar problem, because i'm naturally very submissive- to everyone, all the time, not one of the good subs like you- but i have to "act" as alpha male most of the time because it's what she needs (we have what i'd describe as kind of a Daddy sub/Domme girl relationship, which is weird). But, every so often she'll decide to pull rank, as i think of it, usually when we're visiting her family, and i'm supposed to immediately switch tracks from being the decision-maker, being the talker, being the do-er- which is all requiring a lot of conscious effort- to being acquiescent. Fucks me right up, and then she gets irritable and pouty, because i just *can't* switch over that way. As with your situation, we've discussed it a number of times, and she's made several promises to "do more", which usually last anywhere from a day to a month before becoming too much work, or some outside stress provides an excuse for her to go back to normal. 

All of which is to say... damned if i know. If  you figure anything out, hook a brotha up, 'kay?



While I definitely haven't figured things out, your situation makes my brain hurt... :)  While I've entertained "topping" other sub's, I don't think I could really be a Dom.  And I couldn't imagine every being on the D side of the D/s equation with my Wife/Mistress...


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Slave Dratt
Mistress Taboo's Slave/Husband

(in reply to petdave)
Profile   Post #: 20
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