RE: Asking Why (Full Version)

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ownedgirlie -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 1:48:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann


While you don't need to know what his motivations are, are there times when you'd like to know?  If so, do you ask?


 
I liked this question. 
 
First, I do not ask why, for the reasons many stated.  I know him well enough by now that I trust he is telling me to do something for a good reason.  If, as one poster said, there is a scheduling conflict, I do not ask "why" but remind him I have an appointment and ask him if I should reschedule it.
 
Typically, if he wants me to know a "why" I will know it.  Sometimes just to be cute, I'll say "Ooooooh do I get to know why???"  And he will say something like, "you will know why if you need to know why."  He doesn't have much issue with it, though, unless I am challenging his instruction.   But I typically don't have this innate need to know.  Letting go of that need to know was a way for me to let go of my own control.
 
As for if I would like to know, I might say something like, "I'm interested in why you wanted that."  At that point, he'll either explain it to me or he won't.



DefiantFlower -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 2:27:56 AM)

i have always asked "Why?" i never really grew out of that as a kid, although i can most certainly keep the questions down to a minimum. My curiosity and insatiable thirst for knowledge has almost always been endearing for the dominant party, although i can't even count the number of times i've heard "Because I said so."

Sometimes though, during the early stages of a relationship or if trust has not been fully developed, it is safer to ask why. It's not about questioning or challenging the authority of the Dominant, but rather solidifying the foundation of trust. Once that's established, it gets easier to just immediately obey without needing to know more. Of course, it is still up to the Dominant to answer or not, and sometimes it is indeed better when they don't.



Owner4SexSlave -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 3:15:26 AM)

I do not mind being "asked why" even more so when it's a new relationship.  Yes, I do want somebody to know me, who I am, what I am all about.   I believe this not only builds a better bond, but it allows somebody to serve me better, also it helps build trust, respect and understanding.   In time the "why questions" generally become fewer and fewer.  

I generally do explain the reasoning to my madness, there have been times when I have said, I will explain why later or after the fact.  Where as a task I've given somebody is a learning lesson itself.   To later talk about it, what was gained from it and go into the why details.

If there is a task that requires immediate attention, I might postpone getting into conversation about it.   I will keep it simple, "I will explain why later, but right now, I need you to do this for me, it will make sense later."   Mind you this happens on rare occasion, when being pressed for time or in a situation that is imparative that action be taken quickly without question.

There have been times, when I have planned something special as a bit of a surpise.  Refused to answer questions, in fact also dare I admit to it, took pleasure in hearing her Beg for wanting to know what was going on.  Making a sort of joke out of it, almost sadistic, yet I know she would exceited at all hell by the suprise I had in store for her.   i.e.

me: I want you to change into a pair of jeans, nice tank top, and pair of sneakers for me.
sub: Why?
me:  We're going somewhere.
sub: Where are we going?
me:  Crazy
sub: Will you give me a clue?
me:  I just did, crazy.

In fact I will actually encourage and tease her into asking more and more questions, so I can give out smart ass remarks, and watch her squirm and break down and beg.  (not that I'm in any way finding pleasure in this slightly sadistic act of allowing her to beg, mind you).  The trick is that in time, I only will give into where we are going until she really Begs!  Hence the positive reinforcement for her behavior of begging.  If she sits there in silence and pouts, I tell her snap out of it, and entice her back into begging by perhaps giving a small clue, one which I can make a word ploy off from.   So at times, having a sub/slave ask questions can be fun play in itself,  turning it into BEGGING activitity play time.  Some people just think BEGGING is about having a sub/slave break down and beg to CUM or beg to be fucked or whatever.

There's a time and a place for BEGGING.  Not something to do without some sort of positive reward at the end of it.   Not something to so, if a sub/slave requires an upfront and honest response.

There's a time for being serious and a time for play.  There's always has to be a method to any madness going on.  Don't tell me I'm the only one of you crazy people out that that engages in BEGGING play activity like this? 



Mastaziel -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 3:26:31 AM)

I absolutely love this thread! I'm finding collarme in general to be a great learning tool, but this thread has so many opinions, view points and examples of relationship dynamics that I've found it extremely interesting. And as I'm here to learn, it's great because I can answer some of My own "whys". Even better is it's raised somethings to think about and more "whys" to find answers for.
Hugs for everyone.

Why? Question, curiosity. Definitely not to speak against what slavegirljoy said, as I find her view point to be as special as she is. But if you're told to do something you're likely to wonder why, if the "order" isn't clear then  I can see a whole world of misunderstandings ahead. I suppose that's definitely something I was aware of, but hadn't really considered in depth. Not in this new lifestyle I'm dipping My toes into at least. So I can see being clear and giving an answer to some of the whys ahead of time, as well as further discussion later, could save a lot of problems in the long run.

I've taught people different things before, and even though the whys were sometimes daunting if I didn't have an answer on hand, I found it great for My own learning. Every person I taught had a different perspective, and I found that answering questions either helped cement "correct" ways of doing it, or the questions picked it apart letting Me find the flaw and resolve the issue.
I also enjoyed hearing the thoughts of those I taught, as their differing views meant I learnt as much as they did about the different aspects of what I was teaching. Learning about how they thought and reacted to what I was teaching, and learning more about how to better pass on My wisdom. lol.

Why am I still going on and on you ask... [sm=argue.gif] .... Why do you think? I still have lots to learn.

Hugs and bites.



slavegirljoy -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 4:31:41 AM)


Fast Reply:
 
The type of relationship i was seeking was one where i could rely on my Master to make the decisions for me.  That was what i have always wanted.  To have that, i need to be able to rely on my Master to make decisions that are reasonable and for my own good.  That's the relationship i have with Master David.  If i doubted His decision-making and felt the need to ask Him why He wants me to do this or that or, do it this way instead of that way, i wouldn't be happy.  i wouldn't have the relationship that i have been searching for all of my adult life.  And, the one "Why" question i would be sure to ask is, "Why am i in this relationship, if i have to ask Him why about His decisions?" 
 
Of course, i ask Him why questions but, i never question why He tells me to do something.  i ask Him why He decided to move to Conn., after He got out of the Army.  And, i ask Him about His life in Conn. and ask Him if He liked living in Conn. and then i ask Him why He moved back to NC.  These questions help me to learn more about my Master but, they don't question His reasons for telling His slave what He wants her to do.
 
If i were to ask my Master, "Why do you want me to _________?", it wouldn't surprise me to hear Him ask me, "Why did you want to be my slave?"
 
slave joy
Owned property of Master David



juliaoceania -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 5:25:36 AM)

I do not know if you remembered this thread, but I had the same question as you


http://www.collarchat.com/m_642524/mpage_1/key_ask/tm.htm#642524

I let my opinions be known about this topic on that thread. I will reiterate, I am a curious person. I was born asking "why". It is not a sign I do not trust his leadership that I ask that question, it is a sign that I am thinking about the world I live in, which is what he finds attractive about me in the first place. If he had a problem with me asking that question, he could always find a new submissive, seeing that we would be unsuited for each other. I am unlikely to change the core of who I am, which is a person that questions everything.... lets put it this way, my mom got so sick of me asking "why" all the time she bought me an album called "Why Mommy?" which answered lots of questions... she said I asked that question more than anyone she has ever known...so it is pretty intrinsic to me to ask that question

As he has posted, just because I ask doesn't mean I get an answer...although I love writing things for him... so that might not be the best way to "correct" me[:D] Although perhaps the report would be a way of rewarding my inquisitive mind... perhaps I will ask him if that is "why" he would do that...lol



angelic -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 5:39:13 AM)

~fr~  i ask why all the time.  Like others before me, it is not to be intentionally argumentative or insubordinate.  For me, understanding is 90%.  i ask why to make sure i completely understand the order or request so that the order or request is done to the specifics of the why... (hopefully that makes some sense to others).  i.e.  He tells me to clean the bathroom, i ask why, he tells me his mom is coming for a visit... i clean the bathroom and make sure there are fresh linens on the guest bed.   Had i not been able to ask why, mom's bed would be naked because it was not something he thought about before hand.



breatheasone -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 5:58:16 AM)

quote:

Had i not been able to ask why, mom's bed would be naked because it was not something he thought about before hand.

Right-on...there must be a TON of reasons asking "why" would be a benefit...and have ZERO to do with MIS-trust...



juliaoceania -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 6:05:56 AM)

quote:

If i were to ask my Master, "Why do you want me to _________?", it wouldn't surprise me to hear Him ask me, "Why did you want to be my slave?"


Maybe you asked for the sheer joy of knowing something new? For some of us new information about things just helps us make sense of our world. I hardly think that there would be improvements in health, science, technology, and a host of other subjects unless there were people that just liked knowing the "why" of it all. To me wanting to know why he wants me to wash the car in the middle of the night is no different than wanting to know why the sky is blue... but that is just how my mind works, and it has nothing to do with challenging the sky for being blue.



slavegirljoy -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 6:30:33 AM)

As i said, in the same post but, one paragraph above the quote that you cited,
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavegirljoy
Of course, i ask Him why questions but, i never question why He tells me to do something.  i ask Him why He decided to move to Conn., after He got out of the Army.  And, i ask Him about His life in Conn. and ask Him if He liked living in Conn. and then i ask Him why He moved back to NC.  These questions help me to learn more about my Master but, they don't question His reasons for telling His slave what He wants her to do.

Being a very inquisitive person and a lover of learning about my world and the world others live in, near and far, currently and in the distant past, asking questions is a daily exercise.  But, i have found that asking the question "why" can often be an exercise in futility or, at least, not get me to the root of what i really want to know.  

Instead of asking "why", i ask "how", as in "how would you like me to fix Your eggs this morning, Sir?" and, "how can i do this better?" and, "how did this happen?" or, "what ", as in, "what would You like me to wear to the party, Master?" and, "what would happen if _____?" and, "what were the pros and cons or the benefits and downfalls of ______?" and, "what if a car could be invented that was powered by human energy?"
 
To me, these types of questions are much more productive than simply asking "why?"

slave joy
Owned property of Master David
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

If i were to ask my Master, "Why do you want me to _________?", it wouldn't surprise me to hear Him ask me, "Why did you want to be my slave?"


Maybe you asked for the sheer joy of knowing something new? For some of us new information about things just helps us make sense of our world. I hardly think that there would be improvements in health, science, technology, and a host of other subjects unless there were people that just liked knowing the "why" of it all. To me wanting to know why he wants me to wash the car in the middle of the night is no different than wanting to know why the sky is blue... but that is just how my mind works, and it has nothing to do with challenging the sky for being blue.



breatheasone -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 6:40:05 AM)

I think its ultra groovey that for some theres a dynamic that enables them to have no need or desire to ask a "why" or something similar. I also think its too cool that there are dynamics that foster a "s" type to ask the "whys" and so forth. Thats a huge reason its so nice to participate on this forum. A very wise man has told me ..."We are what we are"



IrishMist -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 7:00:23 AM)

quote:

As a submissive, are you allowed to ask why; would you be in a relationship where you couldn't ask why?

Why or why not?

Hmmm

Not so much that I was not allowed to ask why; it would not have mattered one way or another if I did. I still would have followed the order whether he gave me an answer or not.

If he felt like answering, he would; if he felt like not answering, he would not.

The end result was still that I was going to do what I was told.



Gardenista -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 7:50:45 AM)

My D/s relationship with my husband is pretty laid-back and flexible, so one would think at first that "whys" are allowed and even encouraged. But after giving it some thought, I'd have to honestly say that certain "whys" are a sure-fire expressway to Hubby Crankiness. But then again, he doesn't issue too many off-the-cuff orders or directives, so there's not much to question in the first place. I handed over authority over the household to him because I trusted his ability and judgement.

But there are different kinds of whys, anyway. The curiosity-type, like a question about football. The Naggy Spouse Type.. "Why don't you just stop and ask for directions??"  The rhetorical query "Damn, honey, why didn't you wear your winter coat this morning?" I suppose that all whys would be appropriate in my relationship depending on situation and circumstance.







Grlwithboy -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 8:11:13 AM)

I'm pretty laid back about it overall as well. I actually like when he can take a "why" and turn it around to make it about me, kind of what joy is talking about, but maybe in the next frame of informality. "Why do you like that that way?" is a totally valid question, and makes me think about my background and preferences and communicate with him. There's a time and a place and a way to catch me in the right mood, though, and sometimes it's still just "Cause I said."




Feminita -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 8:23:41 AM)

Ask "why"? The answer is always, "because I want it, now!" . Shut up and obey before the cane comes out....geez, what a dumb question!



slavegirljoy -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 8:49:48 AM)

How two people communicate with each other in their personal relationship is as varied and individual as how two people have sex with each other.

Like you and Gardenista said, asking "why" is a valid question but, it can also be a circular one.  "Why?", "Because", "Why?", "Because".  It can get you nowhere, sometimes or, at least, not where you're trying to go.  Asking a different question sometimes works a lot better.

i have no problem asking my Master, "Why did You choose to pick the Panthers to beat the 49's, when they haven't won a home game in over a year?"  i'm just not going to ask Him, "Why do You want me to get a pair of shorts and a T-shirt out for You to wear when it's 39 degrees outside?"  He knows what He wants to wear and why.  i might ask Him if He knows that it's 39 degrees outside, just to make sure He has all the information He needs to make a decision about what to wear.  But, as long as He's aware of the the conditions, He doesn't need to clarify His reasoning to me.   i'm not His mama.  i'm His slave and i am here to do what He wants, when He wants and, how He wants.
 
slave joy
Owned property of Master David
quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy

I'm pretty laid back about it overall as well. I actually like when he can take a "why" and turn it around to make it about me, kind of what joy is talking about, but maybe in the next frame of informality. "Why do you like that that way?" is a totally valid question, and makes me think about my background and preferences and communicate with him. There's a time and a place and a way to catch me in the right mood, though, and sometimes it's still just "Cause I said."



YesMistressIrish -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 8:54:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dari

I don't mind if my subs ask why, as long as they understand that if they get uppity and impertinent about it, I'll be yanking the leash pretty hard.  You know how kids get- Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  They'll follow a course of logic for a long time, well beyond when it makes any sense or has any meaning.  That tends to annoy me eventually. 

As a general rule, I encourage my subs to ask questions.  But I don't always give the answers, because sometimes I'm setting them up for something and I want them to experience it for themselves.  Asking me "Why do you want me to call at <X> time?" is a question that irritates me, whereas "why do you want the dishes stacked like -so-?" isn't. I'd rather, once the initial "get to know you" phase is over, let my motivations and mind twists be uncovered for themselves, rather than belabored by a barrage of "Why"?


Yes, what Dari said......



chellekitty -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 9:00:44 AM)

quote:

There's a time for being serious and a time for play. There's always has to be a method to any madness going on. Don't tell me I'm the only one of you crazy people out that that engages in BEGGING play activity like this?


i thought that was how everyone acted...maybe we are unique...



catize -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 3:04:01 PM)

I wait until after if I want to know why.  The question is not to avoid responsibility but to clarify if there was a lesson in there and to make sure I understood the point he may have wanted to teach me.
And occasionally I have over-analyzed and there was no reason other than 'because.'



kyraofMists -> RE: Asking Why (12/6/2007 3:35:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I do not know if you remembered this thread, but I had the same question as you


Yep, I remember that thread; I just didn't recall who started it.

Like you I am extremely curious and wanting to know why things are the way they are is something important to me.  In the beginning this was one aspect of what I knew he would require that I seriously considered if I could live with it or not.  I even discussed it with him before making a commitment because it was one of the few things that could have changed my mind about being with him. 

He was very firm that we would eventually get to a place where I would not be allowed to ask why, but rather than imposing that right away I was given permission to ask if I could ask a why question.  Most times he said yes and I would ask.  At first it worked to help me gain knowledge of him and his motivations.  It was an important building block in our foundation.  Eventually, what I found was that I started becoming too focused on his reasons for the instruction and if I didn't like the reason or didn't think it good enough, then it was even more difficult to complete the task. 

Letting go of 'why' and the desire to have a valid reason for an instruction was a challenge.  However, like other things that were initially a challenge, it has become so easy to do and I find much more peace in being able to let go of that little bit of control I was holding on to in wanting to know why.  I think that is part of why I enjoy this topic.  It is an aspect that reflects my growth in our relationship.

For people that can ask why without it being a form of control, I think it is wonderful.  For me, it held us back from where we wanted to go.  He also allows me to feed my thirst for knowledge in other ways, so that I do not miss the joy of learning something new.

Thank you for the response.

Knight's Kyra



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