Ok so I am having some issues..... (Full Version)

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chainedraven -> Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/15/2005 11:41:53 PM)

Ok so here goes. I have a huge issue and need some honest feedback. I was in a 24/7 lifestyle D/s relationship for 6 years. The relationship ended on a sour note when low and behold while he was in Germany (stationed there for the military) he kept me on the side while he got married. Yeah lovely huh? Anyway not the point. I went through my self destructive phase and married a total and complete loser who wouldn't know what a submissive (or dom for that matter) was if it fell on him in the kneeling position. Anyway. Point being. I recently seperated and we are activly and quickly working on the final points of the divorce. I came here through a friend suggestion and placed my ad up originally as a submissive only to find that when I tried seeing a few of the Doms in person we had problems. Mainly this... Having been in a marriage to someone who forced me to be dominant I have attained certain attributes. For one. I was never the dominant one when it came to anything. I mean I can handle my own finances and life and what not but I had gotten very used to and very happy with a lifestyle that consisted of me working my consulting job (from home. I'm an I.C.) and making sure that the house was clean, dinner was cooked, laundry done, etc. The man's job was very much the bread winner, MAN. Well the schmuck forced me into the position of not only am I the female in the relationship but the male to. Long story short there are certain things I can no longer deal with. There are certain things I need to have a certain way. So when a guy looks at me now and says "do this right now" its sort of an automatic "fuck off right now". Yeah not good for a submissive AT ALL. but I still want to be a submissive sexually.
So I had this idea....maybe I'm a domme. So here I sit and put my ad up. Nope now I have whiney men following me around saying "mistress please" Um dude...back it up about five thousand miles. I don't want to be a meak little thing in the corner begging for every little thing. I want my life, a real relaitonship that is loving and caring, and to still be submissive without being put in a situation of having to be a slave.

Is there some happy medium where I can say yes I am submissive, not a slave, not a domme, and sometimes I want things my way??????

I hope that there is someone that that whole jumble made sense to. I need help guys...please!

Thanks



ManOwner -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/15/2005 11:44:14 PM)

Sounds like you want a vanilla guy that likes to top you in bed.



chainedraven -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/15/2005 11:54:44 PM)

Well here's the thing. Put simply. I want to be submissive again to a man that understands I am not a slave. But I want to have control of certain things in my life too. LOL. I need someone who understands the lifestyle....not just a vanilla guy....tried it...been there...and OMG no...lol



domtimothy46176 -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 1:28:41 AM)

So basically you need to hook up with someone who is willing to negotiate boundaries and ethical enough to be bound by them, yes? At least it sounds like you're describing the fact that you have limits you're not willing to set aside, at least in the beginning. Your profile makes it plain that you're leery of getting entangled with someone immature and /or someone who doesn't really have his life in order. No shame in saying so upfront, just understand that a large percentage of those who come across your profile are simply looking to wet their wick and screen accordingly.
No matter what you put in your profile, you're going to get responses from wildly inappropriate folks, most of whom never bother to read what you write. If you intend to use online personal sites such as this to expand your search capabilities, this is simply a fact of life. Expect to be bombarded by the clueless.
If you do make contact with someone who appears to be compatible, clearly communicating both your limits and desires is absolutely neccessary, IMO. Taking the time to really get to know someone can often decrease the liklihood of hooking up with someone who talks the talk but can't walk the walk. While some folks simply lie about who and what they are, others are clearly deluded about their own capabilities. It sounds like you have some level of experience with that already, so you know some things to look out for.
There are many threads on how to find a compatible partner and how to avoid predatory individuals so it may be in your best interest to make use of the search function and read up on saome of the great advice that's been put forth. I wish you the best of luck in your search.
Timothy



GentleLady -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 1:38:08 AM)

quote:

Long story short there are certain things I can no longer deal with. There are certain things I need to have a certain way.

I would suggest putting that in your profile right up front. Expand on it so that you can tell the prosective Dom exactly where your boundaries are. Doing that does make you any less submissive. It does show that you have self-knowledge and self-awareness which are good things to have.

Gentle Lady



NakedOnMyChain -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 3:01:24 AM)

In this case, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have your cake and eat it, too. Being submissive does not preclude being a force unto yourself in the other aspects of your life. Be clear in your profile and real life that submission is something for play only, that your life is your own. My husband and I have worked this out perfectly, so we're living proof that it does work. Ask me to be a sub? Hell yeah. Ask me to be a 24/7 slave? Definitely not. It sounds as if you're in quite the same situation. Be clear and concise at all times that play is the time for submission, not at work, when balancing the checkbook, etc. You'll most likely have to screen through a multitude of people that are less than apt for your purpose. Of course, you could always look at a switch relationship, too, if you have a strong dominant streak. Good luck in your search. I wish you the best.



Focus50 -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 4:05:12 AM)

This is quite a mess and barring a magic wand, there's no quick-fix....

First step in finding what you want is knowing what you want.... Ok, you say you're submissive so the first thing to do is punt that Domme profile and start over from the appropriate role.

When a sub does as she's told, she doesn't respond through fear or weakness in a healthy relationship. It comes through trust and respect so if your reflex response to a command is an automatic "fuck off right now" attitude, it's probably that neither of you have spent enough time building up that level of trust and respect. So I'd suggest your next step after fixing your profile is to slow down and learn to build a relationship - learn patience!

Patience is probably the "biggie" for you. Lotsa peoples dive into a rebound type of relationship when they've had their heart broken but not too many dive into marriage on the rebound. So slow down and take a deep breath then figure out what you want in a partner and go from there.... Though I personally do, not all Doms seek a slave but I'm not so sure if you're against being a sexual slave within a D/s relationship or just against being used as slave labour by some loser. So you might wanna figure that out, too....

I wish you well.

Focus50.



Padriag -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 4:08:54 AM)

Sure there's a happy medium, you can do pretty much anything you want in this lifestyle. Look around these forums and you'll see arguments over it, I'll let you in on a secret about those arguments... most of them are cause we're constantly re-writing the rules to suit our own needs. You can do that... really. [;)]

My advice to you would be this step by step...

Step One - Sit down with a note pad or even a small notebook, start describing to your self in writing what you want. What things do you want control over, what things do you want to give up control over. Maybe write out a few fantasy senarios about your ideal future relationship. Really try to get a picture of it in your mind, especially day to day life, sex, control over finances, etc. That will help you know yourself a lot better and also help you in describing what you want to others.

Step Two - While you're sorting that out, make friends, enjoy the forums here, talk to people and see how they live. Some of that will give you ideas that will help with Step One. Its always a good idea to get different perspectives on things, helps you see it from not only different points of view but it helps enable you to be a little more objective about yourself.

Step Three - Once you have clear what you want, write down a final description of it. You can put that in your profile if its brief, or if you write out a long one (which is fine too) put a condensed version in your profile. Save what you write, its good to have too look back on and reflect over.

Step Four - Persue it! Don't be afraid to write to dominants on here or other sites, stay involved in the forums, get out and meet people offline. You're dream dom might be looking for you, but if he can't find you... So put yourself out there, be a friendly person and you'll meet someone. [:)]

Couple of observations... ManOwner may have nailed it that you want an equal relationship outside the bedroom and be submissive in the bedroom. Personally I call that a sexual submissive... nothing wrong with that if that's what you want, there are plenty of others out there, you aren't alone. You might also be a switch or might enjoy trying that. Think it over in Step One, learn about it in Step Two.

One last suggestion, I'd really advise keeping a journal if you don't already. They are a wonderful tool for self introspection. I keep one (offline, I'm not much for blogging) and its helped me a lot over the years.



Leonidas -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 4:14:14 AM)

quote:

Is there some happy medium where I can say yes I am submissive, not a slave, not a domme, and sometimes I want things my way??????


You just described the vast majority of women here. You want to assume the submissive role (when it suits you) because you like it. The End. Nothing wrong with that. The problem is probably that you are contacting (or responding to) men who expect to assume the dominant role all of the time (not just when it suits you). There are some of those here. There are probably far more men who will be happy to negotiate carve-outs and caveats and off-times and safe-words and hard limits and soft limits until the cows come home, and you need to carry around a rule-book just to make sure you're rememebering all the things that are and are not kosher.

Best advice is read the profiles carefully, and, maybe, adjust your expectations. If you are only contacting (or responding to) those who appear to be very strong alpha types that could explain much of the problem you're having. Turn that "who I'm looking for" knob a couple of clicks away from the Conan end of the dial toward the Mr. Rogers end, and you'll probably do better.



MistressFire70 -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 4:46:44 AM)

There are submissive limits and then there are psychological boundaries we each must set up in order to remain sane. BOTH are absolutely necessary in the negotiation of the relationship. Perhaps, when you find someone to trust, limits and boundaries might become flexible. But, don't count on that happening. So, for now, simply write out what you NEED in a relationship. Limits and boundaries are NEEDS.

Fire



saret -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 5:27:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ManOwner

Sounds like you want a vanilla guy that likes to top you in bed.


Why is it if you're not a 24/7-er, you must be "vanilla"?

-S-



junecleaver -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 5:31:53 AM)

I would think all you need to do is discuss these issues up front with potential Dominants. You set your own limits and boundaries as a submissive.



sarbonn -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 5:35:25 AM)

Perhaps the lifestyle choice you're looking for is that of a switch. If you found someone who was of the same nature, and I'm sure there are tons of guys of that distinction, you might find yourself happy. You're most likely not looking for a lifestyle submissive, but at the same time you could be looking for a chivalrous male; I've run into a number of them in the scene who are not exactly slaves in mind, but they are submissive and quite comfortable with someone in charge without acting the part of a doormat like so many submissives around here descend to.



Oasis -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 7:19:38 AM)

Find someone who isnt too caught up in what a stereotypical submissive should be.

Good luck, such people are hard to find.

Oasis



Angrylibrarian -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 8:04:37 AM)

Or even more difficult to understand, if everyone I've ever met has a little bit of a kinky side, (spanking, ropes, wife likes to be told what to do in bed,) where exactly is the line of demarcation to being 'kinky' does it occur just post the first munch you go to?

Clearly our definitions all seem to eventually grey toward the individual perspectives creating a sort of 'kink relativism'.



FTopinMichigan -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 8:53:26 AM)

I have found many women, that identify as being "submissive," to be strong, independent women. They don't have the need to have someone "totally control" every aspect of their life, but rather would enjoy someone to submit to, by choice, and desire, for mutual enjoyment. I surely see nothing wrong with this, but have to admit that many of my submissive lady friends are perplexed in finding a dominant man to enjoy the strong part of their personality.

I believe it's a very confident Dom/me or Top to this type of woman. To be a dominant, or to dominate a sub, does not necessarily mean to be domineering over every aspect of someone's life. I believe that it shouldn't mean that the sub will have to give up her strong opinions, or personality, and the Dom/me doesn't look to mold her, or change her.

These are rare beings...for everyone, whether Dom/me, sub, slave, or even vanilla for that matter.

As human beings, I believe that we tend to think when we meet someone....if we fall in love, and work together that we can change them, and ourselves to please them. Doesn't work that way.

You are not alone in your conflict of sub/Domme thoughts, and desires to enjoy both sides, or better yet, to express both sides. Try not to judge yourself by what you've heard, or by what others say, and work to be honest with yourself and your potential partner.

chainedraven, you may just be a Domme, that enjoys bottoming to her man now and then. You may be a submissive, without the Dom to fit your desires. You may be a switch, to enjoy both. Heck...you may be vanilla....okay, I'm going to far here. '-)

I figure whenever I've tried to explain things....I lost my interest in them. I try to enjoy...what I enjoy. No reason necessary, as long as no one gets hurt (okay...the man may be in a little pain now and then <eg>).

K



LadyAngelika -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 9:08:12 AM)

First bit of advice. Disregard any advice where people are trying to tell you who you are. They don’t know you or enough of your situation to come to any conclusion. In the end, the only person who knows you, is you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: saret
Why is it if you're not a 24/7-er, you must be "vanilla"?


Great point, and very relevant to what you are going through chainedraven. The fact is that we all have developed our own set of schemas of how we interpret the world. Some people have relatively limited schemas and this might actually simplify a lot of things for them. The trade-off however is that they miss out on a lot of diversity.

Now you don’t fit in a perfect mould. Guess what, neither do I. Neither do most people here. We try to identify with things because we look for a sense of belonging, but in the end, we are all individuals. (Note that there is a thread that is currently addressing parallel issues – The non-lifestyler perspective).

The diversity in your experiences has permitted you to realise certain things about what you want and what you don’t want. Advice such as Focus50’s and Padriag’s that suggest more introspection are helpful for sure. The more you know yourself and what kind of relationship dynamic you want, the more likely you will find what you want. Sometimes we need to spend some time alone with ourselves to figure out who we are. Being involved with someone while we are going through an intensive self-discovery process actually hinders the process because we are assessing ourselves in relation to the other and not as our true self.

At this moment, I’m moving on from having ended a relationship with someone. It hurt. But because I understood why it couldn’t work, there was no blame or drama. He was not a bad person, I was not a bad person. It simply became more and more evident that our paths were not aligned. I respect him and love him enough to let him go and be free to be who he is meant to be instead of trying to change him into what I want him to be. I’m glad that I have gotten to the point in my life where I can approach relationships this way. A book that has helped me a lot and that just this morning I picked up again to help me heal is The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Miguel Ruiz. It’s not expensive and a very easy read. Very insightful.

I have also contacted one of our member, ProtagonistLily, hoping that she might chime in as she took the “I can’t find the kind of Dom that I want so I’ll go Domme for a bit but hey, I’m not really a Domme oh now what the hell should I do” path as well. I’m sure her current situation of having found the perfect Dom for her will give you hope.

Most of all, be strong and true to yourself.

- LA



Kinkypupper -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 9:45:14 AM)

I do not think you are a "domme". From what You write. From your ad description you may be.
I think that you are independant and have your own mind and own opinions.
Not all submissives are doormats ( least I hope not)
If anything you are guilty of being used, taken advantage of and mistreated.
You responded back by going "vanilla" which is what you are not as you have found out. So you in your quest to find a suitable DOM have decided to go Dom yourself and you are now in a position that it is just not comfortable for YOU.
My suggestion. get rid of the "Domme" ad.
What you are doing is just attracting a bunch of horney lil boys who want to have a quick fuck. Have you met any of these worms and treated them as such ? and if so how did YOU feel about that. Did it feel "right"
Go back to who "YOU" are inside.
Put up a better more flattering picture of yourself.
And throw up a few firewalls to keep yourself from being burned by those who just wish to use you.



ItzKat -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 10:34:01 AM)

quote:

I want my life, a real relaitonship that is loving and caring, and to still be submissive without being put in a situation of having to be a slave.



Well, I know what you mean. I am not a meek, quiet type of submissive. In fact, my Dom and I are sort of known for our rough and tumble play as I like to fight back. However, in the end, I am the one on my knees and he is the one in charge. I run my life, work my job, pay for my own house. I expect my Dom and I to be equal partners in the matters and decisions in life. However, when the cuffs come out, he is always the one on top. Sometimes we are extremely physical hard impact S/M and sometime the play is straight down the D/s road. To some people, that doesn't make me a good submissive. Maybe I am not, but I have never been good at labels. Whatever, I found the right thing for me. He and I both get what we need and crave and it has been working for us for nine plus years.

I don't blame you one bit. You want a man that is going to dominate you sexually but not think for you. You want a man that is sure and confident but not one that is threatened by your strength. You want a match to your energy.

All I can say is don't get so caught up in labels and try out a few switches. They tend have talents that fit those inbetween gaps in the label game.

One last thing... not all male submissives are "do me queens". I have met some of the most incredible men that were submissive but in no way were they weak and whiny.

Kat

PS. The search can be the fun part if you let it.



ItzKat -> RE: Ok so I am having some issues..... (8/16/2005 10:42:03 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: saret

quote:

ORIGINAL: ManOwner

Sounds like you want a vanilla guy that likes to top you in bed.


Why is it if you're not a 24/7-er, you must be "vanilla"?

-S-


Boy I wish someone could answer this for me. I really only find this attitude on the internet forums and I secretly suspect that some of those projecting this view are not real life players, but I can't prove that. Having been involved with many of the local BDSM groups in my area, I never hear this there. I think reality is a bit more open minded.

I think in shades leather. The hardware store is erotic to me. Ropes = hugs. S/M is never far from my mind; D/s is something that I, at times, crave. But I have kids to raise, a career and a house to run.

I know there are those that live this life and Master and slave 24/7 and that is great for them. Does that make them more kinky than me? Do I care? I know that I can take a whipping that frightens others. Does that make me more kinky than them? Do they care?

No, it just makes us different.

Kat



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