RE: Am I a sub or a personal assistant? (Full Version)

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MsCfromMelbourne -> RE: Am I a sub or a personal assistant? (12/10/2007 4:16:24 AM)

Both parties need to be getting something out of the D/s interaction or it doesnt work. 

I bet if you felt you were getting something back (say, an elaborate scene for hours worth $300 per hour if you had to pay a pro-domme) then you would run her errands quick smart with a giant smile on your face!!!

If you are feeling exploited as a free domestic service, tell the Domme.  She might have had previous subs that loved running errands!  How is she supposed to know that kind of service is not a big turn on for you, unless you say so.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Am I a sub or a personal assistant? (12/10/2007 4:34:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mysteryshopper

I cleaned up her place as a "test" but she wants me to run to the liquor store, run to get her food at some shady neighborhood restaurant, go run this errand, run that one...
Last time i went some more women (non-S&M) showed up, her friends, and i just left...even after bringing all that stuff.


She sounds like shes taking advantage, selfish and not that into you.



KindLadyGrey -> RE: Am I a sub or a personal assistant? (12/10/2007 2:08:37 PM)

I just had this conversation with a potential sub! He asked the question "What kinds of things do you make your subs do?"

Obviously, there are hundreds of answers to that question, but my response was something like "Everything from giving me a massage to telling him to run out and get me some red yarn so I can finish a crochet project."

And his reply was something like "Red Yarn? Are you serious?"

A lot of subs, especially young new ones, spend a lot of time fantasizing about ways they want to serve a Mistress. The problem with fantasies is that they almost never include real life responsibilities or boring mundane every day things. But these boring things exist, and are just as valid as acts of service as giving your mistress a massage or letting her sit on your face.

I don't move very fast sexually, so I find that in a new relationship the more mundane acts of service are actually wonderful tools in breaking a new boy into the idea of serving. I am not going to sit on his face on the third date, but he can certainly pick up dinner for us both on his way over, and maybe run out to the grocery store afterward if I am inexplicably craving M&Ms. I don't think I'd ever burden a boy with my entire errands list, but that's just because I actually want to spend TIME with the boy too, not sit at home by myself while he runs my errands. If I wanted an errand boy, I'd get married and make a honey-do list. Oh wait, I did that ;) (God, please don't flame me, that was a JOKE.)

Anyway, the point is that running errands is an excellent form of service, but it should be balanced with other things. If all you are doing is running errands for this Mistress and she isn't otherwise paying any attention to you, then you have a right to be upset. People can blather on about how a "real" submissive does whatever he is asked and does it with a smile for his Mistress, but a relationship, even and especially a D/s relationship, is a two way street and a Domme has a responsibility to her sub too.

Postscript: I told the new boy that I would be sending him out for Red Yarn at the earliest opportunity, and that he'd better go get it without giving me any attitude or he'd be sorry ;)




thetammyjo -> RE: Am I a sub or a personal assistant? (12/10/2007 2:29:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KindLadyGrey

I just had this conversation with a potential sub! He asked the question "What kinds of things do you make your subs do?"

Obviously, there are hundreds of answers to that question, but my response was something like "Everything from giving me a massage to telling him to run out and get me some red yarn so I can finish a crochet project."

And his reply was something like "Red Yarn? Are you serious?"

A lot of subs, especially young new ones, spend a lot of time fantasizing about ways they want to serve a Mistress. The problem with fantasies is that they almost never include real life responsibilities or boring mundane every day things. But these boring things exist, and are just as valid as acts of service as giving your mistress a massage or letting her sit on your face.



I agree with that but I think the fantasy versus reality problem also affects new dominants.

You have told him what to expect so if he follows through and pursues the dynamic he needs to negotiate what he needs as you need to negotiate what you need. Then there wouldn't be nearly as much complaining as I see daily on this board.



littlesarbonn -> RE: Am I a sub or a personal assistant? (12/10/2007 3:02:16 PM)

I've determined that if I'm not getting anything out of such a relationship, I'm just not pursuing it. I used to be overjoyed when a woman contacted me, even if she was stating something like: "I want you to clean my house, pick up my dry cleaning, and do all sorts of other things" right before she adds, "but I have a personal slave who I do the bondage stuff with so that's all you'll be doing." Now, I laugh at those and go on with my life. Let them pursue the guys who pretend that's what they want while secretly they are trying to figure out a way to get a little more than was bargained.



undergroundsea -> RE: Am I a sub or a personal assistant? (12/10/2007 7:22:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PsyVamp
What I want to know, is why a submissive thinks a dominant has time to put on some wonderful elaborate scene (or play for hours) when they've had to work all day, run their errands, and come home to more chores. 


Demands on time from everyday life are true for most people including submissives.

I see service as an expression of D/s and a gesture of fondness more than a means for barter. If the dominant is creating a scenario only for the sake of the submissive, I see the basis for your point. However, if it is play and a dynamic that they both enjoy and contribute to, and each is making time for play, do you still feel there is a need for the submissive to somehow compensate the dominant for time?

Cheers,

Sea



MisPandora -> RE: Am I a sub or a personal assistant? (12/11/2007 11:12:56 PM)

You might not run into this problem as much if you were able to set realistic boundaries for your spending kink. 

Women who are offered this sort of thing by you, often times, have no idea where the limits are.  People will ALWAYS try to go further than they ethically should. 



beeble -> RE: Am I a sub or a personal assistant? (12/12/2007 12:46:55 AM)

quote:

PsyVamp wrote: What I want to know, is why a submissive thinks a dominant has time to put on some wonderful elaborate scene (or play for hours) when they've had to work all day, run their errands, and come home to more chores.

And why would a dominant think that a submissive has the time or energy to engage in some elaborate scene (or play for hours) when they've had to work all day, run their errands, run their dominante's errands, come home to do more chores and done their dominant's chores?   



MissMagnolia -> RE: Am I a sub or a personal assistant? (12/12/2007 12:48:53 AM)

Because they're the ones begging for a Dominant and not the other way around?



undergroundsea -> RE: Am I a sub or a personal assistant? (12/12/2007 2:33:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia
Because they're the ones begging for a Dominant and not the other way around?


There is room to suggest that the mismatch in demographics--which reduces to a scenario where one is more interested than the other--is justification for why the submissive's demands on time may be seen as less significant. This position does not appeal to me. Even if circumstances and reality allow it, the principle of it conflicts with my perspective about social relationships.

I expect you would feel some form of dissonance if you read a post here that a domme was more interested in a sub than he was in her, and that he was claiming his time was more significant and was demanding things as compensation for his time. If so, you would see the type of response I feel upon reading this idea. If a domme I was courting suggested that my circumstances were insignificant because I am a sub, or because subs outnumber dommes, I would find that suggestion to damage how I felt about relationship prospects.

I suppose relationship context is relevant. I think this suggestion is more problematic for a companionship based on D/s than it is for a relationship based on play alone.

Cheers,

Sea



Dnomyar -> RE: Am I a sub or a personal assistant? (12/13/2007 6:39:03 AM)

Was going to bring MM her bra but on second glance I dont think so. OP why are you whineing about this in the first place. You are doing this on your own accord.



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