Am I freaky in a good way or a bad way?

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Am I freaky in a good way or a bad way? - 12/9/2007 11:03:41 AM

subhub2b

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That's a rhetorical question but here's an honest one...

It seems to me that mutual respect is one of the pillars of any long-term successful relationship - be it vanilla, D/s, or otherwise. If that's true then I am curious how a Domme defines respect for her sub...and yes, I am sure that is different for everyone so I will try to narrow the scope a little.

If you utilize tactics or enjoy activities that are humiliating and/or degrading to your sub, how then do you respect your sub as a person? I suppose the easy part would be respecting the person they are in the vanilla world but how do you prevent the aforementioned D/s activities from detracting from that vanilla respect?

Not long ago, I met a pretty amazing Domme who had a very unique perspective on the lifestyle and she said that she respected submissive men because "we get it" and held us in higher esteem than vanilla men as a result. She also said that she respected all submissives because the trust we place in our Domme, that leap of faith, was something that she felt incapable of and certainly unwilling to do. I hadn't heard anything like her philosophy before and it really opened my mind up to a completely new dynamic of D/s.

Conversely, I had another Domme tell me that respect is defined differently in a D/s relationship and that it was not necessarily as important as it is in a vanilla relationship. Really? That's hard to accept...

Tangent to that thought...

So what do the "golden years" of a D/s relationship look like? Now that we've grown old together so to speak, and a good many of the activities we've enjoyed together over the years will now likely result in a broken hip for one or both of us, where does that sadistic thirst go?

Thank you.

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RE: Am I freaky in a good way or a bad way? - 12/9/2007 11:30:16 AM

MystressDream

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First of all, let me assure you that the perspective of the "pretty amazing Domme" you talk about is not unusual. I am also one (of many) who believes that without mutual respect a relationship is doomed.

I also ascribe to the believe that M/s and D/s is who and what we are. BDSM is activities some of us enjoy. If I find a slave I wish to spend the rest of my life with, there is no reason for the M/s or D/s relationship to weaken as we grow older. Some of the BDSM activities will obviously have to be softened, or eliminated as we become elderly, depending on the physical affects age has on the two of us. But, to me, that is not all that important. The M/s or D/s is the part that I would treasure through the years.

I identify as a sensual sadist. I love to use some of my wicked toys and love to hear the moans and reactions of a masochist. But, that is the key. I need a masochist to use in order to enjoy my sadistic side.

For me.... my being a sadist is not something that is first and foremost in my life. My being a Dominant is. It sounds like you need to find a Dominant that is not a heavy sadist and one you can communicate with. In your other thread you stated you entered into your last relationship basically not listing any limits at all.... and found yourself in a situation where you didn't enjoy what was going on, much less understand it. Trips to the ER are NOT acceptable. IMO.. beating someone "beyond 'mush'" is not acceptable.

Next time around, be more selective. Communicate openly with a future partner. Don't approach her with a lengthy list of "do me this way" things, however, if you communicate openly with her, she will tell you what she enjoys. While listening to her, watch for red flags and discuss them upfront. BEFORE play... before entering into any kind of relationship. Look for compatibility.

When I enter my "golden years", I hope to share them with a loving slave... one who is a wonderful companion and friend. But then, I choose that even now. After the play... or scene... after the intense interaction... what do we have? What can we enjoy doing outside of those activities? What do we share in common, and can love be there?

I won't settle. Neither should you.

edited to add: I just read your profile and you sound wonderful. You might consider the "female superiority" reference, however.... especially followed by the "I am not inferior" statement. <smile> Most (NOT ALL) who are deeply into the "Female Superiority" mindset tend to think of men as inferior. Instead, I believe all of us are either Dominant or submissive by nature. I don't believe it is gender specific, and don't believe it makes either of us superior to the other. We are just two types of people who mesh our lifestyle interests together for one of the most intimate and intense ways of living.

< Message edited by MystressDream -- 12/9/2007 11:37:31 AM >

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RE: Am I freaky in a good way or a bad way? - 12/9/2007 11:39:18 AM

Elorin

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From: San Antonio, TX
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I will not take a submissive I don't respect. If I do not feel that we have compatible moral values, outlooks on life, intelligence, and sense of fun, I won't take someone as a submissive. If I do not feel that I can respect your limits, if I do not feel that I can trust you, if I do not feel that your word can be relied upon, then I won't take you as a submissive.

It is vital for me to respect my submissive. Otherwise, I would ignore them when they said they like something, something hurt, this was a limit, etc. If I do not respect my submissive and trust him to use a safeword, I would simply be abusing someone without knowing they are giving their consent to our interaction.

I want to respect how my submissive behaves, their work ethic, how they treat their parents or siblings or children, how they treat the elderly, service staff, and the underprivileged. I want to respect the choices my submissive makes at home, at work, when dealing with other submissives and dominants and switches. I want to respect the choices my submissive makes about how to spend their money, their free time, and where to devote their energy.

Honestly, if I saw a submissive complaining about paying the basic bills, yet paying for expensive electronics every month, I would not respect them. If I saw a submissive telling me how they wish to serve and respect ME, yet being crude and rude about older people walking slower in front of them at a mall, I wouldn't respect them.

When it comes to humiliation, those activities are not the whole part of the relationship. They are tableaus, vignettes. Scenes within our life. I can easily piss on a sub and call him worthless in a humiliation scene, then later treasure and respect him. If I didn't respect him, he wouldn't be worth the effort to piss on him! I must respect my submissive, and trust him to believe that I do not TRULY think he is worthless, even if his fear that I do puts the edge to that scene. And he must respect me to believe when I give reassurance later that I mean it. If I did not respect a submissive, I would not care to delve deeply enough into their mind to truly understand what they feel is humiliating, and why, and then use that information. I would not care enough to try to learn what is dangerous to their mental health and what is safe to play with.

And I respect myself too much to play with humiliation with strangers, not knowing if I might stumble over a tripwire and cause an explosion.

I respect my submissive because I know how difficult it is to trust, to obey, to surrender. I know how hard it is to try to be pleasing to another. I know how difficult it is to lay down the reins and let someone else steer for a while. And how scary it is.

Golden years of BDSM? No more take down scenes, lots more clips and clamps. Fewer canes, more floggers. Fewer St. Andrew's crosses and more scenes spreadeagle on the mattress. Lots of hiding the dentures and incontinence pads and snickering with sadism and less "going without panties" or going out without brushing teeth after swallowing cum.

No reason sadism can't be there...just modified.

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RE: Am I freaky in a good way or a bad way? - 12/9/2007 12:13:27 PM

RumpusParable

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Well, I'm one who does enjoy humiliation games and such... so here goes!

For me, it has to be with someone I respect. There's no fun in embarassing or humiliating someone who I do not feel has good self-esteem, who I respect as being able to choose to *not* take that treatment. I don't enjoy kicking puppies or triggering the mentally ill.

I like someone who is able to walk away choosing to not despite the humiliation, taking it for me consentually. If they can't walk away it's no fun.

I express my respect in other ways and at other times... when we're not engaging in some form of humiliation (as it's not an all-the-time thing), in respecting their limits with it or other things, or even purposefully hitting things that will send them into subspace during humiliation because they enjoy it in some way.

It's really no different than physical pain play. It can be done out of negative motivations but it can also be something both greatly enjoy and not at all as an expression of hate or anger or disrespect.

As to the "golden years" question, I can't say about the sadistic urge as it's not one I have. For me it is about control and that's always been part of my makeup, as long as I can remember. I assume it will still be there decades from now and that over time and learning a slave over long years I'll continue to find new things I like, new things they like, old things we both want to revisit, etc.

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RE: Am I freaky in a good way or a bad way? - 12/9/2007 12:16:48 PM

RumpusParable

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elorin
If I didn't respect him, he wouldn't be worth the effort to piss on him!

And I have to strongly echo this here. I'm not someone who wastes their time on people I dislike or can't respect. I found out early in life that it's just not worth the effort and to focus my attentions on those I find worthwhile somehow.

If I find I can't respect a sub I either don't engage with them in the first place or, politely if possible, part ways with them.

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I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

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RE: Am I freaky in a good way or a bad way? - 12/9/2007 4:10:12 PM

subhub2b

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Thank you very much - I'm both surprised and encouraged by your words. Perhaps I get too tangled up with semantics...actually in reading your comments, I'm sure I do. I really appreciate the guidance. :)

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RE: Am I freaky in a good way or a bad way? - 12/11/2007 7:24:09 AM

YesMistressIrish

Posts: 1135
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From: Calif
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Respect: Absolutely!

Playing with someone who craves to be brought down a notch or three: Pure fun.

Masochists: A delight.

My Lifetime partner? High levels of self-esteem, courage and plenty of vanilla things in common.

I also have to like someone enough to mark them with my golden nectar.
However... I could also do it for someone who needed to be brought down to reality and that might be a 5 notch drop. It's a completely different energy/power exchange.

Irish

ps: I just read your profile subhub2b: Want to marry me? (wink) Great profile!

< Message edited by YesMistressIrish -- 12/11/2007 7:28:29 AM >

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RE: Am I freaky in a good way or a bad way? - 12/11/2007 9:17:47 AM

thetammyjo

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First, humiliation and degradation are not a part of every DS dynamic. So you you find it uncomfortable or difficult, you'll probably want someone who does do those particular activities.

Second, what may appear to an outside to be humiliating or degrading may be arousing or even affirming to the individuals involved. For example, someone being called a "slut" may find it frees them from emotional or society conditioning that limits their enjoyment of sexual behavior.

Beyond that I, too, don't honestly understand those particular fetishes and behaviors/words that some folks use.

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RE: Am I freaky in a good way or a bad way? - 12/11/2007 10:44:23 AM

LadyPact

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Humiliation and degredation aren't forms of play that are part of every dynamic. For Me, there's a different approach in these types of play rather than letting My sadist out for a casual romp. See, it's a lot easier to guage a person in regards to physical play. Anything that has to do with the mental/emotional aspects is better reserved for an actual partner. These aren't things I do in a casual atmosphere.

It's because of that very line of thinking that leads Me to My response to your question. I don't chose submissives that I don't have respect for. I can say without hesitation that anyone who has actually served Me has always been the type of individual who deserved that respect. I don't chose subs that I wouldn't think highly of to begin with. They have all be intelligent, strong people. That idea of sumissives being weak isn't what I look for.

As to the golden years, I'm sure that as I age, some activities will change, but I plan to keep going as long as I'm physically and mentally strong enough to do so.

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RE: Am I freaky in a good way or a bad way? - 12/11/2007 11:23:37 AM

MystressDream

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And... there are many of us who do not enjoy or engage in humiliation or degradation.

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Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

check out: www.enclaveproductions.com
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RE: Am I freaky in a good way or a bad way? - 12/11/2007 11:41:36 AM

LadyHibiscus