New Switch Needing Advice (Full Version)

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achildatheart -> New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 12:43:26 AM)

Hello, I'm a new Switch that leans toward the dominant side. I have a problem getting my subs and my one slave to respect me. Everytime I give my slave a task he ignores me. He just doesn't care. I am extremely eager to learn, but no one is giving me a chance. Does anyone have any suggestions on what i should do?

Thanks
AChildAtHeart



HypnoticEmily -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 12:54:55 AM)

Only punish them when they earn your respect.

If they are being "bratty" ignore them. Only dish out assignments and discipline to pets that tow the line.

Only by doing your tasks will they earn your attention.



achildatheart -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 1:03:23 AM)

Oh ok, Thank you!



HypnoticEmily -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 1:09:16 AM)

You are welcome.

And it definitely saves the vocal chords. *smiles*



MasterFireMaam -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 1:58:39 AM)

You can't force anyone to do anything. You can, however lay out what you want in a relationship. If they're not willing to meet that, they're not willing to be in a relationship with you. Don't reward them with one.

Master Fire



MsCfromMelbourne -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 3:31:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: achildatheart

Hello, I'm a new Switch that leans toward the dominant side. I have a problem getting my subs and my one slave to respect me. Everytime I give my slave a task he ignores me.



This sounds bizarre

Is it a task he really finds offensive or unpleasant?  Is it on his list of hard limits?  Have you negotiated a BDSM checklist of what he will and will not do? 

Assuming your request is polite and reasonable, is he just testing your authority?  Acting up to see what you will do about it? 

Never let subs goad you into losing your cool.  It is not dominant.  The sub is pushing your buttons and controlling you if that happens

Don't let the behaviour go unchallenged.  Some subs want to submit but they want to be "forced" or it "feels vanilla" (apparently - don't ask me to explain that sub-logic because I don't understand it myself!  If the guy has consented, what am I "forcing"?)

I prefer to give a patronising smile (think cold disappointed parent!) and ask s-l-o-w-l-y in a calm serious voice:

1 "Are you safe wording over this task?"

Let him answer.  If he safe words, respect his right to withdraw consent

If he's not

2 "Then why are you challenging my authority? What is the matter?"

Let him answer.  He might have a good reason eg a medical condition, sports injury, he is illiterate, he is married and his wife will see the marks etc

3  Assuming the excuse is lame, explain to him slowly and carefully:

"If you do not want to be my submissive you do not have to be.  You are here of your own free will.  No one can force you to submit and I am not going to try.  I have better things to do with my time.   Do you need some time out?  Maybe you should go home right now to think about that"

You should get an apology at this point if he has been acting up.  Being sent home is no fun!! 

Remember, never, ever reward disobedience with fun attention like arguing, shouting, hitting or a power struggle (which switches love!).  If all else fails, stop all play, step out of Mistress/Domme role and tell him you are so disappointed you want him to go home immediately.

I have has submissive men burst into tears, beg for forgiveness, send flowers to the house, go out and get rolling drunk and ring me 20 times that night (that one was bad....)....

There is nothing worse for a sub than being such a  failure that you are sent away by Mistress.  Give him the three step chance to redeem himself (above) before banishing him.

And think about getting a submissive who really wants to be a submissive.  There's plenty of them out there [;)]




Kirren -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 4:51:16 AM)

While I agree that he should be given a chance to redeem himself, it seems that being combative time after time is a sign that 1) he may not know what he wants and 2) he may lack training.

In all honesty...I have found that a "time out" type situation works wonders, even on the Dominant men who contact Me..."Ive given you a task, you didnt complete it, and now you want to offer Me some lame excuse. Get over it. Dont contact Me for X amount of days...In My case Its three days for the first offense, a week for the second and the final offense is to be released." Some slaves will do simply bratty things to get punished, because their masochistic needs arent being met. So they will push you. Remember he who controls your anger, controls you.




Elorin -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 6:47:33 AM)

How did you decide these people had earned the right to be your subs and your slave if they are not respecting you and obeying you? For me, I have these problems well worked out BEFORE I bestow a reward like calling them mine, much less my slave.

If he's your slave and doesn't do the tasks he's told, what DOES he do to justify the title?



azropedntied -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 8:22:12 AM)

the quote "he just does not care " sounds like  well he does not care to be doing anything  task's included .A punishment would be ignore time  as service and a bdsm D/s relationship is a two sided thing .Communication is always key .I would also ask the OP  how long has she been in BDSM ? Do you Have you a mentor ? Master Fire is  right you can not force people to partake .Soounds like a defined  relationship was not set up ahead of time ? Is this compatable for you both ?



LadyHugs -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 1:36:01 PM)

Dear achildatheart, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I do understand that you are new and you are a SWITCH and learning your Dominant side.
 
Sometimes you will find answers within yourself when you ask your slave/submissive side--would you obey me/you if [insert the request, command, demand, order].[?]
 
Have you not had an experience where you have the attitude/behavior towards another Dominant/TOP -- why should/would I obey her/him?
 
There also might be a common problem some folks experience as a SWITCH as to make clear when you are in a Dominant role and in a submissive role.  Perhaps give yourself a more mature title as a Dominant and when in a submissive role.. remain as 'achildatheart.'  At least there will be no struggle as to determine which mode you are in.  And, I will also add--do not 'switch' roles for a whole day  and or when you feel like 'quitting' one role or the other. 
 
In talking to several slaves and submissives to whom were collared to a SWITCH, it was a huge struggle to witness 'their' Dominant be submissive to another.  Some didn't have that struggle because they too were SWITCHES.  But, what is needed is a consistancy and using my favorite phrase -- Either your Dominant or submissive--not a little Dominant and or a little submissive.  Just like pregnancy--you are either pregnant or you're not. 
 
When in a Dominant name--this can be their signal that your role will be--not a maybe.  Be absolute.
 
My other advice would be, who would you like to copy-cat as a Dominant woman--is there an example you admire?  Perhaps Lady Diana Spencer/HRH Princess Diana - Princess of Wales, perhaps Dame Elizabeth Taylor - actress as we know her as Liz Taylor.  What woman do you admire and what qualities do you most admire and respect about her?  Pick many women as such admiration and qualities.  Then make them yours and practice them all the time as it will become a part of you.  Being confident in one's self will give an aire of power.  That said, for many centuries -- Kings and Queens knew that they could demand respect all they wished however, earning respect was much harder but, lasts a lot longer.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



achildatheart -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 1:48:45 PM)

I've been into BDSM for about 7 months now, and I do not have a mentor. I never force anyone to do anything. He is an online slave/puppy. I would understand if he told me he couldn't do my task because of an injury or because of his living situation, but that is not the case with him. He flat out told me that he was lazy when i asked him to make a simple video of him showing me what a pathetic puppy he is. He also complains that I'm not Dominant enough. Thank you MsCfromMelbourn I will try the three step chance to redeem himself.



Elorin -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 3:10:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: achildatheart

I've been into BDSM for about 7 months now, and I do not have a mentor. I never force anyone to do anything. He is an online slave/puppy. I would understand if he told me he couldn't do my task because of an injury or because of his living situation, but that is not the case with him. He flat out told me that he was lazy when i asked him to make a simple video of him showing me what a pathetic puppy he is. He also complains that I'm not Dominant enough. Thank you MsCfromMelbourn I will try the three step chance to redeem himself.


A few hints...if you tell someone to do something, and they will not do it, any further action on your part to make them do it can be seen as "forcing." And honestly, if you are not willing to enforce, in some way, your directives, well think of it. What is the point of dominating someone if they just blow you off every time? Would you submit to someone who said "Go do this" and when you said "I'm too lazy" you just went "ok, cool."

Online submissives or "slaves" should earn the right to those titles, also. Did he impress you, get to know you, do a service for you, or is it about scening online and on webcam? It may be that you are starting to crawl outside the box the sub or slave thought the relationship would always live in and suddenly isn't that comfortable with it.

"He complains that I'm not dominant enough" generally to me means: you don't give me masturbation assignments every time we talk! And no, I don't. Even with a claimed submissive who I've known for years, most of our conversations are just that - conversations - with very little dominance. Anyone who demands that I dominate him at every interaction of ours generally falls out of my interest, and quickly.

Should you wish someone to ask advice of, there are tons in these forums, and you could possibly e-mail someone whose advice you like and see if they will go from there with you. Good luck sorting it all out, and don't be afraid to keep coming to the forums with questions.



morgainne -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 3:28:08 PM)

achildatheart

Did he know you as you were submissive? Sometimes it is difficult to Dominate someone who has seen you as an equal. The advice that everyone has given is really good. Since he is an online slave there are a few ways to enforce your dominance. You said that he told you he was lazy. To me, that screams "I want you to force me". It seems that he doesn't want to put out any effort because then he gets more attention. You then fall into his trap of giving him what he wants.

Being owned is something that that a person earns. Not something that is given easily. Has he displayed this behavior in the past? How long have you been talking to him? Did he actually earn belonging to you? Rushing into a D/s relationship can lead to many issues. Personally, I believe a slave needs to earn my attention and my ownership. I will not give someone the time of day if they do not deserve it. It is a waste of my time.

By not doing as you have commanded, he has shown you disrespect. For me, that is completely unacceptable. He needs to learn, and learn fast that this behavior of his is less than desirable and if he wishes to continue to belong to you then he needs to show you that he is worthy of it.

Remember, no matter what, you are the one that is in control.

Also, finding a mentor would be beneficial to you. There is a lot you can learn under the guidance of others.



LotusSong -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 6:34:54 PM)

It all depends on your intent.  Do you truly want the responsibility that goes along with Domination or will this just be for fun and games?   
 
Perhaps your submissive realizes that he will never be able to fulfill all your aspects being a submissive to you knowing you switch.  Perhaps the mental image of his Mistress on her knees to another Dominant sort of kills it for him.
 
You can not MAKE someone take your seriously unless you gain their respect. 
 
You may get another perspective asking this question on the Ask a Switch forum.  This is a frequent situation with them.



CliarSiofra -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 6:46:13 PM)

As a Switch what they are all saying truely works. There is another consideration. What defines a Dominat in his eyes.

Also is he doing thing just for the negitive attention.

If someone had told me they were a slave but to lazy? there is a definite contradiction from what I'm used to seeing in people who identify as slaves. who usually adore trying to please their Dominate.

But i'm definately in the state of mind if they say i'm Not Dominate enough for them i open the door and say. "it was nice knowing you." :)



willing2obey31 -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 8:23:18 PM)

just throw them out and find one that will obey..... W/who knows they might come back on to You with a diffferent way of thinking.



TNstepsout -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/10/2007 8:57:21 PM)

It sounds like you have a slave that only wants to obey when it's something that interests him. If you told him to do something he really likes I bet he'd jump. Obviously that's not how it works. I like to weed these out rather quickly by assigning something most won't like. It's nothing terrible (cuz a lot of them really like terrible) or really difficult or complicated. It's usually something boring and/or really stupid. If they can't follow through with a simple task then they aren't really interested in submitting, but rather they just want to get a thrill when they want it.

Also if I might suggest. Keep your instructions very specific. Instead of saying "send me a vid of what a pathetic puppy you are". Tell him exactly what behaviors you want to see. Examples "send me a vid of you eating from a dog bowl", "send a pic of you with a bone in your mouth" etc... He might not know exactly what you want and is afraid of disappointing you. By giving him very specific simple instructions he can't screw ut up unless he simply doesn't do it. If that happens, then you know you have someone who really isn't interested in the same things you are.



catleggs -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/11/2007 12:51:31 AM)

Way past time to kick that one to the curb. 

Cat



ItalianSMistress -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/11/2007 7:27:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: achildatheart

I've been into BDSM for about 7 months now, and I do not have a mentor. I never force anyone to do anything. He is an online slave/puppy. I would understand if he told me he couldn't do my task because of an injury or because of his living situation, but that is not the case with him. He flat out told me that he was lazy when i asked him to make a simple video of him showing me what a pathetic puppy he is. He also complains that I'm not Dominant enough. Thank you MsCfromMelbourn I will try the three step chance to redeem himself.



Just from reading this, I have two things to say. 
 
1.  I would never tolerate a slave that is lazy, why are you even bothering with him anymore? that shows not only can he not follow simply instruction, but he is disrespectful
 
2.  The fact that he "complains" that you are not dominant enough says alot too, if he thinks that, he should find someone more at the level he desires, you might be just right for someone else,
I know Myself, I generally dont deal with switches, cuz I like My slaves very docile and submissive, and switches are just not submissive enough for Me, so I can see how he would feel like that,
 
I think the bottom line is this, you need to find someone that respects you and it the right fit for your style of BDSM, dont force something that clearly is not going to work



achildatheart -> RE: New Switch Needing Advice (12/11/2007 8:42:05 PM)

Thanks for all the advice. Him and I seperated and it was for the best.



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