Love & D/s (Full Version)

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amanda50 -> Love & D/s (12/10/2007 5:05:48 AM)

As someone very new to the D/s life style i am confused by a lot of things. One is the idea of love and romance. I notice that a lot of the Dom'mes seem to be obsessed with the love / romance thing. I cant then equate the treatment they tell me i can expect being the basis of any kind of loving relationship. I cant actually see any conection between D/s, bdsm and being loved and cherished.. Can someone explain ?? 



OldBastardly1 -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 5:08:19 AM)

Yes.



amanda50 -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 5:09:57 AM)

That never helped much.



Master96 -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 5:10:03 AM)

For me a BDSM relationship, as vanilla, has two sides: erotic and romantic :)



wisteriaV -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 5:13:32 AM)

Life is a dance and without some flavor of love to it, then it is boring and pointless. Master and I love each other..The level of love can vary from his love of liver and onions to mine of fried onion sammiches, but the love is still there no matter what.



Hippiekinkster -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 5:15:14 AM)

I explained it recently to a woman I am head over heels with (but we aren't together,, which depresses me no end) that, from my POV, the most loving thing I can do is to help her achieve her fantasies. I accept her without reservation, and all that entails.

It's OUR journey together.



arayofsunshine55 -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 5:50:17 AM)

We all have different needs and desires.  One's expression of love may leave another cold.  His hurting me makes me cum and that's a positive thing.  Now I have not idea what you mean by "the treatment I can expect".   Reality is, you have to find someone with a similar concept to you to be compatible.  And my sense is that with the rest of love, most people are actually not compatible with each other.   So maybe the treatment you are reading doesn't work for you. Maybe some other treatment would.  It's unclear to me from your post.




juliaoceania -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 6:09:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

As someone very new to the D/s life style i am confused by a lot of things. One is the idea of love and romance. I notice that a lot of the Dom'mes seem to be obsessed with the love / romance thing. I cant then equate the treatment they tell me i can expect being the basis of any kind of loving relationship. I cant actually see any conection between D/s, bdsm and being loved and cherished.. Can someone explain ?? 


I feel very loved when do BDSM play, for us it is a way of enjoying each other. It is a way for us to have fun together. I do not know how to explain it to you. I have never had much trouble understanding how love and D/s mixed because it was intuitive to me.

I would say perhaps you are not wired to be romantically involved with a BDSM partner. If it does not make sense to you, that could very well be the case because for me it does not make sense to submit to someone I do not love and trust and that I know values me.



Maya2001 -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 6:20:28 AM)

D/s activities are like spice and can create very hot sex but they do not create romance, inorder to have romance just like in the vanilla world you need to find someone you are compatable with in the vanilla sense but also in the kink sense

it is sort of like you may like chicken but like most people find it not all that flavorful and find bbq sauce makes it taste better but find extra hot sauce make it absolutely devine, but the next person will think  yuck all it does is burn you mouth they get nothing out of adding hot sauce ,  Kink is much like the hot sauce some D/s couples like mild, others like medium and then there others that love the extra hot, conflicts can occur in dating if one wants the extra hot and the other is not able to move beyond the mild, as a newbie a dom will start at the bottom of the  mild and try to bring you slowly  through gaining trust up to their level of play.

most of the activities themselves are meant to releases you bodies endorphin hormones with mental stimulation that can inturn cause intense arousals which can lead to great sex but like in the vanilla world sex does not equal romance take your time to find someone you feel really comfortable with who helps to establish trust and would wants the same things you do  before getting into play if they are bullying you chances are all they want is the hot sex not a loving relationship, when you start getting into play a Dom/me will do so at a pace you are mostly  comfortable with because you trust them not to harm you



RCdc -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 6:39:52 AM)

Relationships are simply relationships.  If you include BDSM activities, then these can be done out of love.  If you do not wish to experience pain, or gain no pleasure from bondage, yet enjoy other parts - say d/s - then do not choose a partner who is a sadist, choose one compatable with you.
 
Your post indicates that you may consider BDSM or Ds to be abuse.  It isn't - not when exchanged for pleasure.
 
the.dark.



KnightofMists -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 6:41:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

As someone very new to the D/s life style i am confused by a lot of things. One is the idea of love and romance. I notice that a lot of the Dom'mes seem to be obsessed with the love / romance thing. I cant then equate the treatment they tell me i can expect being the basis of any kind of loving relationship. I cant actually see any conection between D/s, bdsm and being loved and cherished.. Can someone explain ?? 


Instead of throught darts into the darkness...

Maybe you can share what Issues, thoughts and opinions you have that PREVENT their being a connection between D/s, BDSM and being loved and cherished.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 7:07:50 AM)

aloha amanda,

i can hear you a fearful, yet you are still drawn....that is the same for almost all of us....its a choice to go down the rabbit hole, to follow the rabbit (your heart) where your curiosity, courage and trust lead you.

the thing is, on paper we can all explain it to you, but until you experiance it for yourself you wont really understand that you can (when you have chosen your partner wisely) create levels of intimacy through the doorways of fear, and pain that may not have existed in your heart any other way.



amanda50 -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 7:18:19 AM)

I am not sure how to post on here so i hope i am doing it right. As i said i am new to the D/s scene and dont know exactly what i am looking for. I must admit that the replies i have had to my ad have not been very promising, so i thought i would try the boards in the hope of getting a few more sensible replies. Which in most cases i have. Some are a little to contrived, psychological and flowery. but on the whole interesting.
I am not expecting to find the meaning of life inside the D/s lifestyle, but i would like to understand how one person can claim to love and cherish another, then humiliate and degrade them. Or how a Dom'me can claim to love and cherish his / her sub in one sentence, and in the next say, by the way any other girls out there get in touch.To me that says. OK your settled, now lets see if i can find something better. Sorry its just my opinion, but it seems that most Dom'mes are quick to offer love and commitment, but come up a bit short on delivery. 



juliaoceania -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 7:40:24 AM)

quote:

I am not expecting to find the meaning of life inside the D/s lifestyle, but i would like to understand how one person can claim to love and cherish another, then humiliate and degrade them.


I cannot answer this because he does not humiliate and degrade me, I am a masochist, and he is a sensual sadist...  I like my partner to be in charge of the relationship.

quote:

Or how a Dom'me can claim to love and cherish his / her sub in one sentence, and in the next say, by the way any other girls out there get in touch.To me that says. OK your settled, now lets see if i can find something better. Sorry its just my opinion, but it seems that most Dom'mes are quick to offer love and commitment, but come up a bit short on delivery. 


I think those individuals would have to answer for themselves, wouldn't they? How can we answer for them? There are players and married people on eHarmony and Match.com too[;)]

I think that instead of looking at those who reply to your ad as being indicative of what you can expect, you should just hang out and read the boards and see if the way that others do this has an appeal to you, because often those emailing you have about as much experience as you claim to have... which isn't much from what you have stated.

I am perplexed at your attraction to BDSM if you think so little of those types of relationships... You asked a question about the concept of love, and did not expect flowery responses? I find that kinda amusing[;)]



liquidmidnight -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 7:54:29 AM)

Amanda, For me it is about having deephearted connection with my sub. It is not about 'the scene', nor poly, nor role games.
I find these empty.For me it is about being in a heartfelt commitment with my consort/amorata. A part of me is a sadist. I have many parts. One part of me requires a sub of visionary thinking who at the same time can think linearly. I am strongly considering a sub at this time who may meet me in these places. For me it is a sacred trust. I seek not a sub, but The Sub.
As we move through our lives we may be aware of our level of change or personal growth in the area of what some would call "spiritual". We can only go so far alone.
To move into the deepest place we need to hone our lives through creating a relationship with another, a honing of our Self.

Images in the mirror may be closer than appears, and milage may vary.



RCdc -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 8:16:07 AM)

This is Darcy

A realtionship involving D/s or BDSM, or a combination thereof, is no different in many ways to that of the vanilla variety.

Each has its own unique dynamic, and as juliaoceania says, each relationship can only answer for its own dynamic.

With our realtionship, .dark. serves me, submits to me, and allows me to do things that in the vanilla world would be perhaps construed as cruel, violent or both, but which in our relationship bring us both, equally, a great amount of pleasure and satisfaction. Just because I may pull her hair, or mark her with my hands or teeth does not mean that I have any less respect for her, or she for me, or that I do not love her, because I do, more than life itself.

There are, of course, those out there who will use D/s and BDSM as a means to indulge in open relationships that perhaps would not be tollerated in the vanilla world, but from experience I have found that the relationships 'in the scene' that we have come across are usually built on a foundation of respect and love.

Your apprehension is understandable - to the 'outside world' WIITWD can sometimes seem weird, odd, bizarre, sick, perverted, base......pick your own sensational adjective - but in reality the exchange of power, pain, or whatever is the key factor (or factors) in any relationship's dynamic, should feel as natural as breathing air when it's being done right, and with the right person.



adoracat -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 8:23:24 AM)

~fast reply~

a D/s or M/s relationship can absolutely incorporate love and affection.  Daddy and i love each other, he also can be what some might see as abusive to me.  i'm sporting bruises and sore places at the moment....we also spent time just snuggling and laughing with each other while he was here. 

he took me on a trip to the toy store, and the salesgirl said "you two are so cute! you're obviously so in love with one another!" and she was right too....and right after we were home again, he had me bent over using the flogger on me.  you can have both at the same time, yes indeed.

kitten



thetammyjo -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 8:28:37 AM)

I think this topic has been covered dozen of times on this website.

If you are capable of combining love, romance, and sexuality with your BDSM you simply will do so, it will be natural for you.



sexyred1 -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 8:53:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

I am not sure how to post on here so i hope i am doing it right. As i said i am new to the D/s scene and dont know exactly what i am looking for. I must admit that the replies i have had to my ad have not been very promising, so i thought i would try the boards in the hope of getting a few more sensible replies. Which in most cases i have. Some are a little to contrived, psychological and flowery. but on the whole interesting.
I am not expecting to find the meaning of life inside the D/s lifestyle, but i would like to understand how one person can claim to love and cherish another, then humiliate and degrade them. Or how a Dom'me can claim to love and cherish his / her sub in one sentence, and in the next say, by the way any other girls out there get in touch.To me that says. OK your settled, now lets see if i can find something better. Sorry its just my opinion, but it seems that most Dom'mes are quick to offer love and commitment, but come up a bit short on delivery. 


I find both your profile and attitude while questioning here to be rather negative, and that will not get you many "promising" replies. As for coming to the forums to get "sensible" replies, you are going to receive a myriad of responses; that is the nature of online message boards on a kink site.

You say you are not expecting to find the "meaning of life" inside a D/s relationship; I doubt many people are, although I think you are trying to be sarcastic because you sound frustrated.

You ask how can someone be in love with someone that they degrade and humiliate? When secure within the context of a love relationship or even NOT a love based D/s relationship, the goal is to achieve MUTUAL satisfaction. SOME people get off on degradation and humiliation and seek someone else to provide that.

As for the ones who are not trustworthy or seek other partners, that again, are individuals, not a group. You cannot say all Doms seek others or all Doms are commitment phobic.

Others do not ask these types of questions and try and find compatible partners, from an intellectual, emotional, sexual, viewpoint and then develop their individual relationships as they see fit.

Your questions indicate a judgement, the type that is often heard from vanillas who lump the entire world of BDSM into, "OMG those scary sick people into leather, whips and chains!)

As for receiving contrived, psychological or flowery replies, you crack me up. You are a grown woman. Do you honestly expect to ask such an open ended question and NOT receive all sorts of replies?

Again, you can ask whatever you like, but you cannot control the responses.

I would recommend thinking long and hard about what it is YOU most desire out of a personal relationship, be it vanilla or D/s before running amok into the wilderness of Collarme.

So, is my answer contrived or psychological? I know damn sure it's not flowery.



Indemnis -> RE: Love & D/s (12/10/2007 9:00:54 AM)

Sexyred, you say most of the things I was thinking of myself. 



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