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RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 9:02:35 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

I am not expecting to find the meaning of life inside the D/s lifestyle, but i would like to understand how one person can claim to love and cherish another, then humiliate and degrade them. Or how a Dom'me can claim to love and cherish his / her sub in one sentence, and in the next say, by the way any other girls out there get in touch.To me that says. OK your settled, now lets see if i can find something better. Sorry its just my opinion, but it seems that most Dom'mes are quick to offer love and commitment, but come up a bit short on delivery. 


a Dominant can do what he does and still love and cherish their submissive because that is what the submissive needs...they are fulfilling the submissives needs when they do whatever they do...and that is what any relationship is about, fulfilling eachothers needs....


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to amanda50)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 9:08:59 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

I am not expecting to find the meaning of life inside the D/s lifestyle, but i would like to understand how one person can claim to love and cherish another, then humiliate and degrade them.


If humiliation and degredation are not what you're into, find a Dom who isn't into those things either. BDSM is the same as vanilla, as far as relationships go. You wind up with the person with whom you are most compatible.

quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50
Or how a Dom'me can claim to love and cherish his / her sub in one sentence, and in the next say, by the way any other girls out there get in touch.To me that says. OK your settled, now lets see if i can find something better. Sorry its just my opinion, but it seems that most Dom'mes are quick to offer love and commitment, but come up a bit short on delivery. 


Not all Doms do. Compatibility again. And instinct. If you are compatible with someone who pushes your monogamy / trust / honesty button, then he is not really compatible with you unless you're into mind fucking. There aren't any set rules here. Go with what feels good, and live and let live the rest of the time.

(in reply to amanda50)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 9:14:26 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		Ouch, Amanda. I just read your profile. I agree with whomever said it is negative, although I'm going to word it more strongly and tell you that it's downright cunty.

The sort of Doms your profile is going to attract are Doms who want to "put your in your place" which doesn't sound like the sort of Dom you want. Tone it down a little bit is my best advice. Think of what you want to say and say it in a less provoking manner. I am happy to help if you need assistance.

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 9:22:25 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

i would like to understand how one person can claim to love and cherish another, then humiliate and degrade them.


It's in the deepest revelations that intimacy is found.  Can you not picture loving someone who is kind and gentle at times, yet also rough and enjoys hurting?  Personally, I enjoy seeing seeing and sometimes experiencing the contradictions in others.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 9:54:02 AM   
Tigrita


Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I think I understand your conundrum amanda.  I too was drawn to this site but wasn't sure what I was looking for.  I'd always had thoughts of being forced, and enjoyed being roughed up during sex, but it was very hard to come to terms with flat out admitting that I enjoy pain and what most would consider 'abuse'.  Before I could accept being a masochist, and explore that, and open myself up and find people and activities that deeply fulfill me that way, I had to wrap my head around sadism.  I had to get on here and get to know sadists and realize that they aren't actually necessarily bad people.  Then I could let myself enjoy what they had to share with me, and I with them, instead of fearing and judging myself for wanting to be hurt, and them for enjoying hurting people.  This thread is a very good one on sadists and why they are not necessarily bad people: ethical sadism

Another point, one that my girl charlotte (charlotte12) addresses very well in her profile, is that part of her journey to BDSM was realizing that someone who really loved her, would treat her this way, because it is what she needs, it is what fulfills her, it is the most complete and deep expression of who she is.  Someone who could not hurt her and keep her in her place would not be someone who really loved and embraced all of who she is.  I feel very much the same way.

Now, if this describes you, you have come to the right place.  But if these things still don't make sense to you, maybe you aren't a masochist and are drawn here for different reasons.  Nothing wrong with that.  Just keep reading and getting to know people and it will help you get to know yourself and what you are looking for and find someone who meshes with that.

Best of luck to you.

~ J


_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 10:00:33 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

As someone very new to the D/s life style i am confused by a lot of things. One is the idea of love and romance. I notice that a lot of the Dom'mes seem to be obsessed with the love / romance thing. I cant then equate the treatment they tell me i can expect being the basis of any kind of loving relationship. I cant actually see any conection between D/s, bdsm and being loved and cherished.. Can someone explain ?? 


Valyraen loves and cherishes me. I wouldn't serve him and endure for him otherwise.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to amanda50)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 10:04:21 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

I am not expecting to find the meaning of life inside the D/s lifestyle, but i would like to understand how one person can claim to love and cherish another, then humiliate and degrade them.

Because it turns me on and I love it the way other women love chocolate and soft touches?  Hell, he'd be a true sadist to deny it.
quote:


Or how a Dom'me can claim to love and cherish his / her sub in one sentence, and in the next say, by the way any other girls out there get in touch.To me that says. OK your settled, now lets see if i can find something better. Sorry its just my opinion, but it seems that most Dom'mes are quick to offer love and commitment, but come up a bit short on delivery. 

Some people like poly and having different people. What you need to understand is that their subs/slaves don't mind. Not everyone has that kind of relationship, but some do and it is mutually fulfilling to everyone involved.

Sometimes I'd like for Valyraen to have another girl who I could serve with, but we also realize that given our natures and his lack of interest in it, it is probably just a bad idea.


_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to amanda50)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 10:04:23 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

As someone very new to the D/s life style i am confused by a lot of things. One is the idea of love and romance. I notice that a lot of the Dom'mes seem to be obsessed with the love / romance thing. I cant then equate the treatment they tell me i can expect being the basis of any kind of loving relationship. I cant actually see any conection between D/s, bdsm and being loved and cherished.. Can someone explain ?? 


BDSM feeds my visceral self, M/s feeds my inner servant and love feeds my humanity. I am fed in all ways by the same person so I don't starve or lack one of the elements necessary for me to thrive.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to amanda50)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 11:32:59 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I would suggest this is one of those experiences you can't see or read- you just have to experience.  Perhaps going to parties and socials offline will help bring it into more form, but sometimes it's just somewhere you go inside yourself or it isn't.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_651231/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#651253
What's love got to do with it?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_632033/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#632105
Loving your property

http://www.collarchat.com/m_609494/mpage_2/key_love/tm.htm#609934
Ownership and Love

http://www.collarchat.com/m_545462/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#545482
What does love got to do with it?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_538921/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#538965
The Loving Dom

http://www.collarchat.com/m_499831/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#499881
Don't fall in love with your dom

http://www.collarchat.com/m_477568/mpage_3/key_love/tm.htm#484997
How common is it to fall in love with a submissive or dominant?

http://www.collarchat.com/tm.asp?m=423736&mpage=1&key=love&#423879
Love and Ms

http://www.collarchat.com/m_282567/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#282615
submissive/slave romantic love

http://www.collarchat.com/m_269031/mpage_1/key_love%252Csubmission/tm.htm#269120
Falling in love with Mistress

http://www.collarchat.com/m_248492/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#248492
true love in a relationship

http://www.collarchat.com/m_236486/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#236486
balancing commitment and love

http://www.collarchat.com/m_199915/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#199915
love in bdsm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_166085/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#166085
love and D/s

http://www.collarchat.com/m_65043/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#65043
love and bdsm (the unfettered heart)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_150281/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#150281
Is it normal to fall in love with your dom during training?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_125880/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#125880
not allowed to love him, what do I do?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_119832/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#119832
being owned or being loved

http://www.collarchat.com/m_97124/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#97124
subs/masochists and love

http://www.collarchat.com/m_31285/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#31285
can love get in the way?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_14998/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#14998
love in d/s

http://www.collarchat.com/m_2491/mpage_1/key_love/tm.htm#2491
is love important in a relationship?




_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 1:12:50 PM   
SirJohnMandevill


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Master96

For me a BDSM relationship, as vanilla, has two sides: erotic and romantic :)


Well said, 96! I've evolved to believe that in a D/s relationship, a Dominant must first capture a submissive's mind and heart. Her body will inevitable follow.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink) 

_____________________________

Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

(in reply to Master96)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 4:03:30 PM   
amanda50


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/7/2007
Status: offline 		No. If i am honest your reply was more of a put down, which i am sure was your intention. It was written with a superior and condescending attitude that i have come across quite a lot. I asked a simple genuine question. I make no excuse for being a novice and not having your vast experience of the bdsm / D/s life style. But is that any reason for you to be unkind, perhaps it is from your exalted position. But just think, i might have a genuine reason for asking. And you answer although giving you a moment of pleasure sitting there feeling all superior, really did not help.
But thanks anyway.

(in reply to Indemnis)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 4:18:01 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

I am not sure how to post on here so i hope i am doing it right. As i said i am new to the D/s scene and dont know exactly what i am looking for. I must admit that the replies i have had to my ad have not been very promising, so i thought i would try the boards in the hope of getting a few more sensible replies. Which in most cases i have. Some are a little to contrived, psychological and flowery. but on the whole interesting.
I am not expecting to find the meaning of life inside the D/s lifestyle, but i would like to understand how one person can claim to love and cherish another, then humiliate and degrade them. Or how a Dom'me can claim to love and cherish his / her sub in one sentence, and in the next say, by the way any other girls out there get in touch.To me that says. OK your settled, now lets see if i can find something better. Sorry its just my opinion, but it seems that most Dom'mes are quick to offer love and commitment, but come up a bit short on delivery. 


Amanda, I'm not sure what's up with you but responses on the board aren't really personal and wankers contacting you are far from personal.  Don't personalize it, consider the source and move on.

Look at the lifestyle like vanila dating.  If a guy came up to you and said I want you to get two jobs and I'm going to stay home all day and watch reruns of my favorite football games odds are you would pass him by without thinking twice about it.  Do the same here.

There are a large number of wankers, players and fools on the personals sites.  Pass them by, don't think it has anything to do with you, it doesn't, they do it to everyone. 

Being submissive does NOT mean being submissive for everyone.  You can pick your partner just like you can in vanilla dating.  You can negotiate for things that are acceptable for you.   If humiliation or poly are not something you are comfortable with, don't do them and don't pick a partner for whom that is something important.   When someone begins in the lifestyle, however, it's usually the case that many things they may later enjoy seem offensive.  Keep an open mind.  Ask questions, if you can do the groups/munches/parties, do them.  Find people that you think are reasonable and intelligent and ask them questions.

It's possible someone cannot humiliate YOU and then claim love, but it's absolutely true that someone can humiliate me and claim love as I don't have the same reaction you do to it.  We all have different kinks and ways of expressing/experiencing/structuring our relationships.  There are no rules other than those you make for yourself and with your partner.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 12/10/2007 4:19:48 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to amanda50)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 4:41:52 PM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

As someone very new to the D/s life style i am confused by a lot of things. One is the idea of love and romance. I notice that a lot of the Dom'mes seem to be obsessed with the love / romance thing. I cant then equate the treatment they tell me i can expect being the basis of any kind of loving relationship. I cant actually see any conection between D/s, bdsm and being loved and cherished.. Can someone explain ?? 


As a slave i don't relate to many of the romantic notions between men and women. i prefer that Chairman tell me what He wants, thinks, needs, feels etc. than concern Himself with my pleasure. my wants and desires are significant only to the degree that fulfilling them brings Him pleasure. It may sound very self-sacrificing but it's not really. Just the opposite. D/s, romance and love all blend together very well for us. We just have different ideas about what's romantic and loving than vanilla couples do. For example, i feel extremely loved and cherished when i kneel naked at His feet, chained to His chair while He works.

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to amanda50)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 7:31:24 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

I am not expecting to find the meaning of life inside the D/s lifestyle, but i would like to understand how one person can claim to love and cherish another, then humiliate and degrade them. Or how a Dom'me can claim to love and cherish his / her sub in one sentence, and in the next say, by the way any other girls out there get in touch.To me that says. OK your settled, now lets see if i can find something better. Sorry its just my opinion, but it seems that most Dom'mes are quick to offer love and commitment, but come up a bit short on delivery. 


so your new... and you are making your opinion based on what you see from online exposure?  Or do you have experience with others in a face to face environment?  Regardless of what the subject matter is... I think one needs to becareful on making any strong opinions based soley on what one can learn and observe in the online world.  The problem is the integrity of the data.  There is seldom a manner to have accurate and creditable data to make an opinion on..  In fact, in the online world... one of the more difficult issues for a new person is learning to sift through the lies to fine some truths.  Then one needs to sift through those truths to find one that works for oneself.  It is a tall order and most newbies make a few mistakes along the way.  I find when one is able to make contact in the offline world... they are able to balance things alittle easier and sift through the crap alittle faster.

Lastly.. so you don't understand why a person can love and cherish a person and then is able to humilate and degrade them.   Why do you care?  It happens for many that I know (know as in I see them in the flesh).  Because you don't understand it doesn't mean it can't happen and reading your last few comments... I suspect you are not so much interested in understanding as you are supporting your opinion based on what appears to be suspect data.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 12/10/2007 7:35:15 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to amanda50)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Love & D/s - 12/10/2007 7:50:25 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

I am not expecting to find the meaning of life inside the D/s lifestyle, but i would like to understand how one person can claim to love and cherish another, then humiliate and degrade them. Or how a Dom'me can claim to love and cherish his / her sub in one sentence, and in the next say, by the way any other girls out there get in touch.To me that says. OK your settled, now lets see if i can find something better. Sorry its just my opinion, but it seems that most Dom'mes are quick to offer love and commitment, but come up a bit short on delivery. 


amanda,

I see nothing more loving than allowing a person to be true to him/herself.  Many facets of my M/s relationship, including the examples you have used above, have allowed me the freedom to express myself as I must, to give as I must, to love as I must, and to know, understand, and love myself.  For him to treat me any differently would be to stifle me.  Regarding a Master who wants more than one slave, I would ask, if you owned a pet and wanted a second pet, would that be because your first pet wasn't good enough, or because you wanted two pets?

(in reply to amanda50)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Love & D/s - 12/11/2007 5:56:38 AM   
shivvy


Posts: 746
Joined: 3/25/2006
From: Ireland, living in Kent, England.
Status: offline 		amanda, there are loads of different P/people on here and T/they will A/all give Y/you different advice.... thats 1 of the good things about O/our chosen life style, in that there are so many different ideas, and none of them wrong....
 
with respect, i think you just have to look for woteva it is you are looking for... take the advice wot you find helpful, and pass on wot you don't... its all offered to help, but it might just not be you hun...
 
i'm a service orientated slave, and i find pleasure in just making my Master and Mistress happy... like mia said earlier, i don't really care how, just being with Them and serving Them fulfills my needs... They show They luv me by letting me serve Them.... and honestly, making Them happy makes me all warm and happy inside.... you just gotta find the ying to your yang hun is all

_____________________________


(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.εΐз¸¸.·*´¯`v´¯`*·.¸¸ـ εΐз ~*luv shivvy*~ ـ εΐз

xxx
Owned and collared by SavageFaerie and Master P

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Love & D/s - 12/11/2007 4:14:25 PM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline
Every relationship, whether it involves BDSM or not and whether it involves love or not, is unique and is the result of what the people involved bring to it, put into it, expect from it and, decide to make of it.  If you know what you want and need from a relationship and you can clearly and honestly express that to others, chances are pretty good that you can find someone who wants the same thing, whether it includes love or not and whether it includes elements of BDSM or not. 
 
If you're trying to base what you want your relationship to be on what others have, that would be very confusing and not very realistic, since everyone has something different.  Why not just ask yourself what it is that you really want and need from having a relationship and go from there?
 
Good luck in your search.
 
slave joy
Owned property of Master David
quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50

As someone very new to the D/s life style i am confused by a lot of things. One is the idea of love and romance. I notice that a lot of the Dom'mes seem to be obsessed with the love / romance thing. I cant then equate the treatment they tell me i can expect being the basis of any kind of loving relationship. I cant actually see any conection between D/s, bdsm and being loved and cherished.. Can someone explain ?? 

(in reply to amanda50)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Love & D/s - 12/11/2007 4:24:15 PM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		I have never felt more loved or cherished than I do in my relationship with my Daddy who is now also my husband.

Every relationship has its own mythos, whether or not it is overtly acknowledged. Perhaps the difference between my D/s relationship and, say, a typical vanilla relationship (for me) is that our mythos is openly acknowledged and actively explored. It happens to involve D/s and BDSM. This neither precludes or disqualifies us from loving, cherishing and adoring one another.

You can have both, if that is what you want, and if you are willing to engage in the kind of intimacy required to make it happen and keep it working once it is established. Honestly, I think that's true of any loving relationship.



_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to Indemnis)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Love & D/s - 12/11/2007 4:30:14 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amanda50
but i would like to understand how one person can claim to love and cherish another, then humiliate and degrade them.

Some people really get off on this. You don't. Because you've realized this, you now know a little more toward what you DO want in a relationship. You don't want the humiliation/degradation kink.

quote:

Or how a Dom'me can claim to love and cherish his / her sub in one sentence, and in the next say, by the way any other girls out there get in touch.

Some people are poly. You apparently are not. Again, you now know something about what you DO want in a relationship. You want monogamy.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to amanda50)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Love & D/s - 12/11/2007 4:32:59 PM   
LadyChef


Posts: 105
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline 		Since real submission takes on a form of giving oneself, and true Domination is a form of owning, how could I not love the man who is willing to submit to Me owning him mind,body and soul? Notice the order of what I expect to own first, as it is imperative not to work backwards, or confuse how real relationships work.

_____________________________

You reap what you sow

(in reply to justheather)
Profile   Post #: 40
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