When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't?

When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (Full Version)

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NashuaSubMale -> When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 10:13:43 AM)
Hello to all. I'm a submissive in my late 30's, professional, attractive, and for the past two years, I have belonged to one Mistress. There was an immediate attraction the very first time W/we met, and I have enjoyed our time together thoroughly. On an emotional level, We're close and very happy. As a submissive, I'm dying. I have used a safeword twice in two and a half years, and have never received a true punishment for anything. Although I'd like to think it's because I'm behaving, I know it's not. When things get to a point, She holds back. I don't want to say anything because I don't want to top from the bottom, but I don't feel submissive anymore. Worse, the less submissive I feel, the less attracted to Her I become. During O/our 'sessions', She is in control, and I do what She says, but I have no fear of NOT doing so or of what She might do. I care for Her very much, but I have never had ANY limits pushed. It's more of a mildly kinky arrangement at best, which is not what I had hoped for going in. At what point is a sub okay in requesting his own release? When W/we met, it was on this site, and I was very tired of all the fakes on the Domme side as well, as She was with the subs. W/we got together, and things started slowly, but okay. But there has been little progression in a very long time. I care for Her very much, but not as a sub anymore. Please, I'll take any advice I can get. Humbly and respectfully, pet.

AquaticSub -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 10:25:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NashuaSubMale Hello to all. I'm a submissive in my late 30's, professional, attractive, and for the past two years, I have belonged to one Mistress. There was an immediate attraction the very first time W/we met, and I have enjoyed our time together thoroughly. On an emotional level, We're close and very happy. As a submissive, I'm dying. I have used a safeword twice in two and a half years, and have never received a true punishment for anything. There are those who believe that not needing to use safewords is a good thing. It means the dominant didn't fuck up so badly that the scene needs to stop NOW. Exactly what do you consider a true punishment? Being tossed in a cage for a few hours? Are you upset because you haven't been punished for things you've done wrong or are you upset because you haven't been "punished" and the idea arouses you? quote: Although I'd like to think it's because I'm behaving, I know it's not. When things get to a point, She holds back. I don't want to say anything because I don't want to top from the bottom, but I don't feel submissive anymore. I really don't think it's topping from the bottom to discuss issues you have in the relationship. It prevents things from getting to the point where you have to break up. Which, usually, I find is something that dominants want to avoid. Particularly if they've invested a good deal of time in the relationship. quote: Worse, the less submissive I feel, the less attracted to Her I become. During O/our 'sessions', She is in control, and I do what She says, but I have no fear of NOT doing so or of what She might do. Again - talk to her. I am in the camp of "Why on earth should you be afraid of her?". Until you talk to her, you don't know if she is in that camp as well. quote: I care for Her very much, but I have never had ANY limits pushed. It's more of a mildly kinky arrangement at best, which is not what I had hoped for going in. Have you mentioned this? You really can't hold her responsible for not meeting desires that you haven't voiced. Some dominants actually respect limits and expect you to tell them if something is no longer a limit and is now something that can be explored. quote: At what point is a sub okay in requesting his own release? I'd say any time they like since a sub in a relationship they aren't happy with isn't doing the dominant any favors. quote: When W/we met, it was on this site, and I was very tired of all the fakes on the Domme side as well, as She was with the subs. W/we got together, and things started slowly, but okay. But there has been little progression in a very long time. I care for Her very much, but not as a sub anymore. Please, I'll take any advice I can get. Humbly and respectfully, pet. Talk to her. If you seriously haven't talked about any of this with you, you kinda have topped from the bottom already. You decided to let a problem get so bad that it would destroy the relationship instead of giving her the chance to fix the problems or decide that you two just won't work together. Best of luck.

Dnomyar -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 10:34:37 AM)
It looks like failure to communicate. Sit down and talk it out. If thats no going to happen then move on.

NashuaSubMale -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 11:00:02 AM)
We have talked, repeatedly, about things W/we each hope for and what things should become part of O/our sessions. It's just that when it comes time to do so, none of the things discussed happen, and this has been going on for the past year. That's actually the most frustrating part, because it's like that is being completely ignored. As far as being punished, not even being spanked for things that She has told me that I will be spanked for, also very frustrating. I'm not trying to earn one, but things do happen in life. I build up for some kind of physical punishment or emotional release, then nothing. We've communicated over and over about it, but when We're together, She holds back almost completely now in the BDSM area, and wants to 'be close'. The communication is there, there is no follow through. There is attraction and intimacy, but it has taken on an almost completely vanilla air. As for pushing limits, there are hard limits which I don't want pushed, and She respects those. But some areas W/we have discussed several times that I would like to explore....nothing. Safewords? I realize that some Dommes don't need them, at least in theory, but on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being my personal limit, She's never gotten past a 4. I have told Her in the past that I want to explore 7,8, and 9, and that safewords would be a good thing in case She found 11. We've discussed over and over, and it just seems that my 4 is Her 10, for lack of a better explanation, and She's very happy there. I, as a sub, am not. We've discussed repeatedly, talked very openly, and things will 'go from there', but they never do. I guess I've already decided what I should do, but I was hoping someone could give me some suggestions I hadn't thought of. I have a very specific type, and She's the closest I've ever come to finding someone, so I was hoping it could be saved. Thanks for the input everyone.

subrdn8 -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 11:19:44 AM)
I'm totally not trying to bust your chops here, but notice the emphasis on yourself. If you're ready to leave, leave. But if you really want to be treated like a submissive, act like one. Maybe, in your own mind, you set a timeframe of x months, in which you are going to serve HER with no demands, no pushing, no cajoling, just serving her desires. Maybe she doesn't respond well to the 'do me' dynamic. If she does not respond to your submission with dominance, you have a strong case for ending things. quote: ORIGINAL: NashuaSubMale We have talked, repeatedly, about things W/we each hope for and what things should become part of O/our sessions. It's just that when it comes time to do so, none of the things discussed happen, and this has been going on for the past year. That's actually the most frustrating part, because it's like that is being completely ignored. As far as being punished, not even being spanked for things that She has told me that I will be spanked for, also very frustrating. I'm not trying to earn one, but things do happen in life. I build up for some kind of physical punishment or emotional release, then nothing. We've communicated over and over about it, but when We're together, She holds back almost completely now in the BDSM area, and wants to 'be close'. The communication is there, there is no follow through. There is attraction and intimacy, but it has taken on an almost completely vanilla air. As for pushing limits, there are hard limits which I don't want pushed, and She respects those. But some areas W/we have discussed several times that I would like to explore....nothing. Safewords? I realize that some Dommes don't need them, at least in theory, but on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being my personal limit, She's never gotten past a 4. I have told Her in the past that I want to explore 7,8, and 9, and that safewords would be a good thing in case She found 11. We've discussed over and over, and it just seems that my 4 is Her 10, for lack of a better explanation, and She's very happy there. I, as a sub, am not. We've discussed repeatedly, talked very openly, and things will 'go from there', but they never do. I guess I've already decided what I should do, but I was hoping someone could give me some suggestions I hadn't thought of. I have a very specific type, and She's the closest I've ever come to finding someone, so I was hoping it could be saved. Thanks for the input everyone.

Najakcharmer -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 11:44:55 AM)
If you can find another domme who is more sadistic and willing to help you two out as a couple, it could add a lot to the energy. Or better yet a whole group of dommes. Try attending a play party?

laurell3 -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 11:49:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dnomyar It looks like failure to communicate. Sit down and talk it out. If thats no going to happen then move on. I agree. You having desires and expectations of your relationship isn't unsubmissive. If you feel she's ignoring you I think you need to communicate again about why she isn't doing these things. It's possible her level of sadism doesn't reach your level of masochism. I've certainly had that happen in relationships before and while it is frustrating there were other things that were of interest to the D type that were challenging and new to me that we explored instead and the relationships were significant enough that I chose to accept the limitations. I would suggest trying again to not just say I need x, but say are your needs such that you cannot do x comfortably and if so, are there other things we can explore together or can I help you get to the point where x is more comfortable for you. Najak's suggestion is a good one as well. If she's open to another, it might make her more comfortable to get that perspective. Being supportive of a D type is not topping from the bottom and your Domme isn't not a Domme merely because she doesn't do the things you desire, she just may not be the Domme for you. Threatening punishment and not following through can throw a monkey wrench into the dynamic. However, if it was me, I would try very hard to step outside of roles for an honest discussion about why the things weren't happening from the D's perspective before throwing in the towel.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 12:30:59 PM)
Stating your needs and concerns about the relationship isn't topping from the bottom, it's being a healthy adult. Be sure to focus on how you feel, not on her behavior, or lack thereof. Master Fire

NashuaSubMale -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 1:19:45 PM)
Thank You to all. The idea of attending a party or becoming involved with more BDSM friends is a good one, and I will respectfully bring that up. As for subrdn8's suggestion that I act like a submissive, I have completely given myself over to whatever it is that will please Her. What has pleased Her, for the past year, is a vanilla relationship. I've focused on that, not myself, which is exactly what the question is about. Thank You to everyone. Najakcharmer and Laurell, thank You very much......

petdave -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 3:51:22 PM)
When? When you're ready to have a very painful discussion, and possibly spend a very long time alone. Until then, all you can do is savor the moments you can find.

crouchingtigress -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 4:14:06 PM)
show her this thread. i wish you well and bid you peace.

HollyBlue -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 5:13:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub Talk to her. If you seriously haven't talked about any of this with you, you kinda have topped from the bottom already. You decided to let a problem get so bad that it would destroy the relationship instead of giving her the chance to fix the problems or decide that you two just won't work together. Best of luck. Thank you for these words of wisdom, AquaticSub. Letting a problem fester is making the decision for the Dominant instead of giving her your honest feelings so she can make a decision for herself, which is the way it should be if she truly holds the power in the relationship. Totally open communication is the lifeblood of my D/s relationship. I have no secrets from my Master. To the OP: It sounds like you've already laid your heart bare and the problem cannot be resolved. If it turns out that this Domme really isn't the one for you, I hope you find a Mistress sadistic enough to truly make your heart sing. As a serious masochist, I thrive on the release of pain, and am extremely fortunate to have found a Master who relishes dishing it out as much as I relish taking it.

AAkasha -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 5:29:41 PM)
Is she just not as kinky as she used to be, did she grow out of it or lose interest? Or, is she just kinky but not in the ways you need? Does she dominate other people in the manner you wish she would you? Did she used to, at some point, dominate you, and now she does not dominate you or anyone else? I've been in relationships before where a dynamic developed that I could do something to others that I could not do to my primary partner. It can be a little confusing and tough to navigate. Akasha

angelikaJ -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/12/2007 11:40:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NashuaSubMale We've communicated over and over about it, but when We're together, She holds back almost completely now in the BDSM area, and wants to 'be close'. The communication is there, there is no follow through. There is attraction and intimacy, but it has taken on an almost completely vanilla air. As for pushing limits, there are hard limits which I don't want pushed, and She respects those. But some areas W/we have discussed several times that I would like to explore....nothing. Safewords? I realize that some Dommes don't need them, at least in theory, but on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being my personal limit, She's never gotten past a 4. I have told Her in the past that I want to explore 7,8, and 9, and that safewords would be a good thing in case She found 11. We've discussed over and over, and it just seems that my 4 is Her 10, for lack of a better explanation, and She's very happy there. I, as a sub, am not. We've discussed repeatedly, talked very openly, and things will 'go from there', but they never do. this reminds me of this thread: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1240921/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#1240921 and this section specifically: "...Surprisingly, at least to me initially, as I looked into all this, was the number of female submissives/slaves who felt that their Master's new-found "love" for them caused the D/s part of their life to suffer. The common thread was that over time, they were not being allowed/compelled to serve, that they were being treated less like a submissive and more like a vanilla love/lover. Things like floggings became less intense, the Dom was no longer enforcing his own standards for her, and what was once always clear, was now muddy. Master Powerful, had morphed into a curious sort of highly-sexed Ward Cleaver. Yes, those same things can happen as a natural result of a drifting apart, but in these cases, the women expressly said that it was a phenomenon that paralleled the introduction of romantic love into the relationship. ..." Communication!!!!! And maybe in addition to the suggestions that were offered...here is a thought: perhaps attend a BDSM themed workshop together... is there some facet that you both might be curious about but don't have much experience in? Also... it is possible that your assessment that your 4 is HER 10 may be correct....but the only way to sort that out is through clear communication. best wishes aJ

MissMagnolia -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/13/2007 12:00:05 AM)
I see you talking about how attractive you found her and how much you care, but I am intrigued by the sentence " I have a very specific type, and She's the closest I've ever come to finding someone, so I was hoping it could be saved.". This sounds like she was the best you could come up with, but wasn't really what you wanted. Your Mistress sounds like she took you because she was a bit jaded with all the subs who had contacted her. "Near enough" isn't really a good reason to be with anyone, long or short term. Perhaps the connection never was what you both thought it was. You say she's holding back in the BDSM department and wanting to be "close", which sounds as if it's gone more into the emotional realm for her, rather than the physical. In other words, dare I say it, almost vanilla? I am sad that it has come to this for you both, and can only agree to the advice given above. Perhaps you have both outgrown one relationship. Hopefully, you can continue in another type of relationship with her and be free to find what it is you're really looking for.

YesMistressIrish -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/13/2007 2:16:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress show her this thread. i wish you well and bid you peace. lol, you might get those pain limits pushed just a tad, don'tcha think? [:D]

DesFIP -> RE: When should a sub realize his Domme really isn't? (12/13/2007 9:26:02 AM)
Just because your kinks don't match, doesn't mean she isn't a twue domme. It does mean that she would be a great domme for someone who didn't enjoy a punishment dynamic and who was find with submitting even when she didn't feel especially dominant. It also doesn't mean that you aren't a twue submissive because you are deliberately disobedient if you aren't being punished and that you need heavy displays of dominance to feel submissive. It does mean you might be a great submissive to someone who enjoyed a punishment dynamic and chasing the sub around with a crop. Unfortunately neither of you match the other in needs.

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