AAkasha
Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CdnExplorer
I guess I sort of assumed that people would discuss checklist compatibilities up front. If you can discuss your checklist, and then also discuss the "why" that would lie behind open ended expressions like you mentioned, then you might be getting somewhere. The key for a submissive is to truly understand what you want and why. I imagine most dominants could take it from there, assuming basic compatibility was present.
Here is the ironic thing. In my experience, most submissives, in initial conversations, care very little about "why" a woman is dominant -- just want to know what she is into/what she does. The question of, "Why do you enjoy doing this? What motivates you? Why are you like this? What things have you learned that you enjoy that you did not expect and how did that happen? What are your fantasies that you hold closest to yourself protectively?" -- I find these are not the questions submissives ask. They ask, "What would you do to me? What kinky acts do you enjoy? Do you have any orders for me? What questions do you have for me?"
It's not all the time, but it's quite frequent.
I'll post something I wrote in 1997 (yikes, I'm old!) about this issue. It's fairly melodramatic, so take it with a grain of salt if you can get through it. I was struggling through some issues at the time with feeling objectified by submissive men.
**
When I was very young, I used to actively fantasize about kidnapping and keeping a boy prisoner. This boy might be a made-up character, or the boy sitting across from my in my first grade class.
Even at that young age, I found the thoughts to be more than just idle fantasy. I found something very uniquely intense about the images, which were often elaborate.
I knew I was different. But I saw it -- in an abstract way -- like it was a gift. Like I was a sly, sinister, cunning little creature.
This, I know, even though I wasn't even in my teens.
To this day, when I look at a man and decide I must have him, the rush is the same. I feel almost like the evil sexy vixen in a movie, plotting something dangerous and nasty, and the rush alone is exciting. Now, as an adult, the desires are more tangible -- I can formulate and predict what might happen. Hell, I can even try to make them a reality. I can *make* that boy my prisoner.
This desire is, and always has been, a very mystic, primal, and passionate thing to me.
Unfortunately, few men see it that way.
*****
And that is the source of my woe. As a female domme, a real life, breathing, walking, living female domme, I am totally misunderstood by every single victim who seeks me out.
Those very ones that have studied, apparently, everything there is to know about my kind, come to me and know nothing about who I am and why I do this.
Even worse, I am seen as an object -- a means to an end for their sexual gratification.
That little girl in the first grade, sitting and peering at the boy she had a crush on. She never expected to be treated this way.
*****
Sometimes I feel like the goose that lays the golden eggs. To many men, I have this unique quality.
Yes, we are getting closer now!
I am unique. I have a unique aspect to me. I was born with it, I wasn't even one of those *converted* gooses. Damn, I was laying the golden eggs when I was 10. And I will be most certainly laying the golden eggs until I'm 85. I'm certifyably 100% golden-egg laying.
And what is the first thing I hear from those that search long and hard to find me?
"Can I get one of those eggs?"
"So, how many of those eggs can you produce? How about a few more?"
"Can you make the eggs bigger?"
I sit here, the goose, wondering why they don't come to me and wonder about the magic behind the trait. How come no one cares how beautiful this is? How come they don't revel in the beauty of this creation?
Because, believe it or not, even though I have been "laying golden eggs" since I was in the first grade, the gift still amazes me. I am still mystified and awed by the power, the passion of what drives me to dominate men.
And those subs that search long and hard to find someone like me, they don't know how much a woman like me would be touched to hear, just once, "Your gift is mystical, amazing, terrifying, and alluring. You are a magical creature."
Instead, it's "Can I see an egg? Ok, maybe not. Can you tell me what the egg looks like? Describe it to me, it sounds hot."
Well, you get the picture.
*****
Let's bring it down to more realistic terms. When I interact with submissives, especially those that have sought me out, their interest seems immediately focussed on:
1. Their image of what a female domme is 2. What I *do* 3. How can they position themselves to get some of it
When I was in my early teens and starting to realize that sex, intimacy and my "urges" were all linked, I was still living in a pretty idealistic world of female domination. Because my partners were naive teenage boys, and I was a naive teenage girl. When it came to femdom games, I could have just as easily been that first grader, now only I had a few more "tools", namely hormones and instinct, to give me an edge.
Those were some of my most gratifying times. I was constantly told things like, "Wow, you are amazing, when you get like that", and "I've never felt like this before. Scared and excited at the same time."
Those were good things, yes. But it wasn't until much later that I met someone who seemed to understand..no, to *appreciate* the female domme side of me.
*****
How do you appreciate the goose that lays the golden eggs? Do you ask for more eggs, or do you appreciate the magic that makes it happen?
*****
Amazingly, it was a good 4 or 5 years of dabbling in female domination before someone really appreciated it.
No one had ever asked me, "Why do you do it? How does it make you feel?"
And he didn't just ask. He wanted to know.
"When you get like that, how does it make you feel inside, do you lose yourself?"
Questions that I could not even answer.
"Do you want to hurt me, Akasha? Do you want to control me, or do you want to make me perform?"
Some things I had to just shrug at and think about for days before I could answer.
"I see how it affects you. It is amazing. I've never seen anyone act like that before. You're an amazing creature, Akasha."
Wow. Here he was, taking it all, and he was enamored with the beast; not just what the reward might be.
He didn't give a damn about the eggs. He was infatuated with the goose.
*****
This isn't just another rant about "love the person before you love the domme." That's a given.
This is about "love what creates the domme, not just what the domme does."
Sometimes I feel like I am a vampire. I go about my daily business, happy and smiling and relatively undominant (though not shy at all), and then it hits me. I become a stalking, hungry creature.
When I make a man submit to me, I am ruthless, sinister, and nasty. And I do not hide that his submission makes me even more relentless.
As an adult femdom, when I "feed on" a submissive that knows his way around the BDSM niche, I still get amazed when later he reflects back and says, in essence, "Wow. You really know how to suck blood. Do you want some more?"
I feel quite saddened at that point.
Why do none of them say, "Wow. That was intense. How does that hunger for blood affect you? What does it feel like? What makes you want more? how did you become this way? Does it come and go?"
I realized, a few years ago, sadly, the answer.
Most don't really care. They come face to face with what they have invisioned as a fantasy object, and they have all the answers already in their head. They know why the vampire wants the blood, they know why the goose lays the golden eggs. Their concern is more about how much blood can they keep giving, and will the supply of eggs stay the same.
*****
My big question is: Why is it that submissives ask fewer questions than vanillas? The easy answer is that they know more about "the scene" and have fewer questions, but think beyond that.
If a submissive has been looking for a femdom for a long time, and finally meets one, why are his questions about what she can do and not why she does it?
Why is it that the vanilla men are the ones that sit back after a scene and go, "What drives that beast inside of you?"
*****
I have theories. One is that submissives have ideas already about the mystery behind female dominance, so they don't have the desire to ask the questions.
Another theory is that they don't really care.
The problem is simple -- I do care. I still have a fascination with what makes me this way, and the feelings associated with it. I still find it a magical, mystical thing.
I want to be appreciated for it. I want to be feared for it. But most important, I want to be appreciated and feared for the *essence* of it, for the fact that it exists, for the mystery of its existence -- I don't want to be appreciated for the golden egg that it provides.
If you want the egg, you can go buy it and put it on your shelf. Then you have it. There is nothing magical about that.
< Message edited by AAkasha -- 12/17/2007 4:53:05 PM >
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