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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 2:29:45 PM   
RumpusParable


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quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou
I realise that it was a generalisation about Lifestylers having better communication skills but it is true that overall we do communicate far more about what we can give and take than the Vanillarites,we are far more sexually open and adventurous.


And, to be frank, this is utter and complete bullshit you are holding onto.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 3:21:02 PM   
Prinsexx


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quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou

Guess this is a question that we've all asked ourselves many times isn't it?


Relationships NEVER end they only ever begin....
we remain in relatonship even with those we know who die....
memories, thoughts, reflections, flashbacks, items of clothing, tea pots, coats on the back of a chair....
karma, dharma, what goes around comes around....a faint scent, a powerful presence years later.....hopes and wishes, things left unsaid....a perfect dynamic that we try endlessly to recapture....all the if onlies and the closing doors, the scars, the restless nights and the buried fantasies......
no those relationships never end.....never......

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 3:41:02 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		While lack of communication is often a problem, it's not the only reason why relationships end. My second husband and I just grew apart. I changed a lot. He didn't. Niether of us was no longer happy, so we parted ways. There were other things involved, but that was what was really behind them.

Master Fire


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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 4:03:10 PM   
alivingdoll


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Status: offline 		My experience is it's when one partner want's what the other can't give and rather risk years of resentment it's best too part ways. ~~~Doll

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 4:45:19 PM   
domiguy


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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 7:00:13 PM   
DesFIP


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Status: offline 		People involved in wiitwd are not better at communication than those who don't do this. That's your first error.

The second is assuming that communication is at fault. Because I don't think that is the problem. I think that here, just like with people who don't like power or pain or bondage, the real problem is that people don't know what they want. They say they want a trustworthy partner but they consistently pick someone who pushes their abandonment buttons. Until you know what's happening inside yourself, you can't find someone compatible. You first have to know thyself. And that piece of advice came from a couple of thousand of years ago. Way back before 'old guard' or 'ancient European houses'.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 7:11:10 PM   
SunNMoon


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Status: offline 		Relationships end for all kinds of reasons some of them silly some of them heart breaking. Some times they end for the simple reason someone is no longer in love with the other person.

And really “lifestyle” people aren’t any better at commutation. I’ll just point out that they’re the same people that exist in all walks of life and they really aren’t that special.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 7:16:41 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
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Status: offline 		What happens? People come into this preprogrammed with a lot of unrealistic expectations.

It first it seems that the reality might meet the fantasy-the role playing and sex play are amusing.

I'n around four to six months the new relationship thrill starts to end-the infatuation fades....and boredom and annoyance set in. The couple start picking each other apart over trivial crap....Because their entire dynamic was based on a trivial "lifestyle".

Eventually one or both find and excuse to wander off-some amicably-others with drama.

The only sucessful ones I know of basically had a pretty strong vanilla foundation established-with a prefference to seeing to that in FIRST order of busness-and the kink role playing second or less.

let's face it-if you objectify a partner to fullfill a fetish fantasy-it's doomed from the start-you will wake up one day and be forced to see a person-not a fantasy.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 7:40:17 PM   
BondageSlaveMN


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quote:

ORIGINAL: lauren0221

quote:

ORIGINAL: BondageSlaveMN

quote:

ORIGINAL: lauren0221

Relationships end, and begin for all kinds of reasons.

I wouldn't give up a good one over little things, but when the essentials are missing, or trust gets broken, or someone's needs are not being met, and it is not fixable - then time to end it.


You hit that nail mostly on the head. Relationships end because the desires of one or both persons are not being met. The lack of fullfillment of these desires leads to a disinterest in continuing the relationship for a multitude of reasons.

I hate the term "needs" because people rarely use it properly. Maslow's hierarchy of needs describes needs (and I would even debate that Maslow didn't get it entirely correct). Romantic relationships, I don't feel, fall under the category of needs but rather under the caregory of desires.



I hear what you are saying. And I think we are just talking terminology here - for me being able to express who I am is certainly more than a desire. You are correct that, as much as I think it should be,  "being able to express my submissiveness" is not listed in the hierarachy of needs;)


I agree. I believe we are debating semantics here. I'm just saying that I crave companionship, ownership, etc. yet I've been ever so alone for 22 years. To me, in my presonal situation, companionship seems like a need but obviously isn't since I've survived this long. I'm done hijacking this post now

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 10:10:13 PM   
MissSCD


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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 10:17:28 PM   
sexyred1


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SmokingGun82


And sometimes things just don't work. My most recent ex and I were that way- I love her, she loves me, but as a couple? It doesn't work. Sometimes people just can't be together, and nothing either one does would change that.

Nothing gold can stay, after all.



Same here. Sometimes nothing in the world can make something work no matter how much love and passion you have. If there is a basic incompatibility in the relationship, it is doomed.

The problem with most relationships that are unsatisfying is that people stay in them for too long, trying to fix them.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 10:29:08 PM   
BondageSlaveMN


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: SmokingGun82


And sometimes things just don't work. My most recent ex and I were that way- I love her, she loves me, but as a couple? It doesn't work. Sometimes people just can't be together, and nothing either one does would change that.

Nothing gold can stay, after all.



Same here. Sometimes nothing in the world can make something work no matter how much love and passion you have. If there is a basic incompatibility in the relationship, it is doomed.

The problem with most relationships that are unsatisfying is that people stay in them for too long, trying to fix them.


God, where were you 3 years ago when I needed to hear that?

Edit: better question is where was my common sense 3 years ago when I needed it?

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 10:31:44 PM   
sexyred1


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quote:

ORIGINAL: BondageSlaveMN

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: SmokingGun82


And sometimes things just don't work. My most recent ex and I were that way- I love her, she loves me, but as a couple? It doesn't work. Sometimes people just can't be together, and nothing either one does would change that.

Nothing gold can stay, after all.



Same here. Sometimes nothing in the world can make something work no matter how much love and passion you have. If there is a basic incompatibility in the relationship, it is doomed.

The problem with most relationships that are unsatisfying is that people stay in them for too long, trying to fix them.


God, where were you 3 years ago when I needed to hear that?

Edit: better question is where was my common sense 3 years ago when I needed it?



Eh, I was dealing with the same situation for longer than 3 years, so I know what I am talking about. We can be super intelligent about everything else, but when it comes to love, once in a while you lose your frigging mind.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 10:35:49 PM   
CelticPrince


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Status: offline 		question,

Simply put, one or both fail to put enough energy into it to keep it fresh.

CP

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 11:35:51 PM   
Wolfie648


Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou


It's natural to think about your last relationship and wonder what you could have done differently.


Is it?

quote:

It could be even something simple like bad breath or body odour or a partners inability to express what they really want be it something very intimate like a fetish/fantasy or anything as  mundane as bad manners.


Could it?

quote:

Many of these things are embarrassing to talk about,which is sad as a little more communication could save so many thousands of otherwise great relationships.


are they!? could they!?

quote:

What's worse,risking embarrassment or losing the whole relationship?


tough decision.

quote:

People in the BDSM community are of course generally much better at communication than the vanilla world,however there is still room for improvement.


are they? is there?

quote:

I would love to hear your thoughts on this.]


doubt it.



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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/14/2007 3:21:12 PM   
Dmsc1248


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quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou

Guess this is a question that we've all asked ourselves many times isn't it?

If there is one answer to this question then the answer would be "Not enough communication"

It's natural to think about your last relationship and wonder what you could have done differently.

Well it's my belief that many times we go out of communication with our partner,we all have communication problems to some extent or other, we are only human after all.

It could be even something simple like bad breath or body odour or a partners inability to express what they really want be it something very intimate like a fetish/fantasy or anything as  mundane as bad manners.

Many of these things are embarrassing to talk about,which is sad as a little more communication could save so many thousands of otherwise great relationships.

What's worse,risking embarrassment or losing the whole relationship?

People in the BDSM community are of course generally much better at communication than the vanilla world,however there is still room for improvement.

So I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

I would agree with you here.  Communication is the number one reason why relationships fail.  This can occur in the BDSM world as well though.  Perhaps the sub is not comfortable with a certain scene or  punishment but is afraid to confront his/her master for fear of embarrassment, shame or guilt and so she/he refrains from speaking about it.  This only makes him/her miserable and deteriorates the relationship even more.  To have a loving, caring relationship in either the vanilla or BDSM world communication has to be enforced from the beginning.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/14/2007 3:32:57 PM   
RCdc


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quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou

Thanks for all those very frank answers.

I realise that it was a generalisation about Lifestylers having better communication skills but it is true that overall we do communicate far more about what we can give and take than the Vanillarites,we are far more sexually open and adventurous.as for the non-sexual side of the relationship,maybe less so here but i'd still say better in this area too in my experience.


Seriously?  Have you read these forums?
Non communication.  Prudish thoughts.  Sexually stiffling.  Hugely judgmental.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/14/2007 3:49:02 PM   
MissMagnolia


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quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou
I realise that it was a generalisation about Lifestylers having better communication skills but it is true that overall we do communicate far more about what we can give and take than the Vanillarites,we are far more sexually open and adventurous.


BDSMers didnt invent sex. Whatever you think is "vanilla", I can guarantee at some point in ancient history, someone was doing something to someone that would be classed as "sexually open and adventurous". Just because someone bungs a label onto it and calls it adventurous doesnt make it something special. It just means sicko's have been around since we fell out of the tree.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/14/2007 10:14:03 PM   
taintedgypsy


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

here's a few ideas:
 
*because it is time for them to be over?
not every relationship is destined to be for life...some are just for a particular frame of time in one's life.
 
*because they were a mismatch from the beginning?
some folks get into relationships either thinking that they will effect a particular desired change in the other person, or not knowing themselves well enough...communication or not, sometimes folks get involved when they shouldn't, and relationships end because they never should have made the kind of commitment they made to begin with.
 
*because some trauma/drama that could not be overcome damaged it beyond repair?
sometimes, all the communication in the world won't help or heal a wounded, toxic relationship.


Hey I agree with this ... but add "shit happens"
Get over it, get on with it, one foot in front of the other ... it gets easier with each step.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/14/2007 10:19:23 PM   
taintedgypsy


Posts: 228
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Relationships NEVER end they only ever begin....
we remain in relatonship even with those we know who die....
memories, thoughts, reflections, flashbacks, items of clothing, tea pots, coats on the back of a chair....
karma, dharma, what goes around comes around....a faint scent, a powerful presence years later.....hopes and wishes, things left unsaid....a perfect dynamic that we try endlessly to recapture....all the if onlies and the closing doors, the scars, the restless nights and the buried fantasies......
no those relationships never end.....never......



Oh god as scared as this statement makes me ... I do have to agree with it, labotomy seems to be the only true ending to a relationship if viewed from this prospective ... bloody scarey lol.

Relationships are not that much diffferent from anything else in life, try to remember the good times, learn from the mistakes and mark it down to experience ... move forward.

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warm smiles to all

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