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strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 8:32:58 AM   
TethersEnd


Posts: 102
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline
While reading Octavia's "Identity Crisis" thread I began to make a mental check list of my unmet needs over the years.  Some were sexual, some not, some I did just fine without and some appear
to be wounds that will always weep. 

General consensus usually is that something needs to change when you have an unmet need. 
And the choice when it hit's the bottom line is most often ~go or stay~. 

I wonder if it isnt that choice when in the lap of a submissive that creates that Identity Crisis?

Here is what I mean.... I think each choice we make builds strength of character, then as choices add up we begin to draw lines in the sand.  There is power in decisions, more choices, more decisions, eventually we appear to not be a submissive at all.  Eventually someone will question
our degree of submission which reinforces what we have feared all along. 

Would any of you consider sharing how you have grown and gained strength yet held on to
that precious submissive side?  Have you become jaded to the lifestyle or changed rolls as
your character evolved?  Do you struggle to prove you are still submissive or do you just honor
the fact that the pool of Dominants has grown smaller due to your strength?  

I thank you in advance for your thoughts. 
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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 8:40:48 AM   
liminalRapture


Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline 		Beautifully phrased question!

For me, I say my ex gave me a great gift, which was the strength and confidence to leave him.  It sounds odd, but it is true--he and I worked on the vanilla level, but couldn't make the sex work quite right.

In my opinion, jadedness happens when you do a shortcut in the mourning of a loss.  I've gone through such turbulence this year--I feel like a character out of a Bronte novel, cast into the moors, weeping a river.  And I could have stopped it.  I could have just shut it down, but then the armor would have jumped into that place.

For me, the only way to stay open and able to connect is to honor the pain, the vulnerability, the woundedness and let it run its course as much as my heart weeps.  Only then can I come up for air.

As for struggle to prove I'm submissive--no, not at all.  A man will only get to see that if he earns the chance and then he'll just know it.  I don't have to prove anything.  It is good that there is a small pool (very small) of Dominants--I don't have time to handle any more.

_____________________________

"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

(in reply to TethersEnd)
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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 9:34:08 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I believe problems only start when you feel that you need to prove yourself to anyone.
It hasn't really got anything to do with the fact you feel comfortable in your own skin, or happy or content.  But there is a big thing to 'fit in' or to 'prove' oneself instead of just be oneself.  When people say 'part of the lifestyle I am' like some yoda mantra - it really does show me how little people really do grow.
 
I don't believe making decisions based on our own best interests make us less submissive.  I believe anyone who questions power as being a dominant trait, really doesn't understand submission nor domination.
 
It's sometimes great to be part of the flock.  Sometimes, you have to be part of it for protection, or to feed from.  It makes the process easier.  But at some point, you do have to break out of the cocoon, or risk becoming an empty shell.
 
I realised I didn't have to make everyone happy and I didn't have to fit in. That is when freedom came for me. Realising I am not responsible for everyone elses feelings or perceptions and only 100% responsible for myself.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to TethersEnd)
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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 10:18:05 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TethersEnd

Have you become jaded to the lifestyle or changed rolls as
your character evolved?  Do you struggle to prove you are still submissive or do you just honor
the fact that the pool of Dominants has grown smaller due to your strength?   





In the beginning I supposed I went through a period of being jaded but then I realized I was better off alone than with someone who would make me feel that way, so I became far less jaded and much more selective. I don't prove my submissiveness to anyone although I do struggle with it personally at times, and I simply realize that my style of submission will not match with everyone else's style of Dominance. The pool of Doms hasn't diminished - it has always been the same size. The Doms with which I am compatible are lesser in number but more important, and I wouldn't choose to submit to just anyone simply because the search is more arduous. This brings us back to the original statement "I am better off alone than with someone who would make me feel (less than what I am)." That's not being jaded - it's being a 40+ submissive woman with experience.

(in reply to TethersEnd)
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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 10:26:55 AM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		What the.dark. said.   He's so profound.

(Hey buddy, coffee's on!)

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 10:35:53 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx

What the.dark. said.   He's so profound.

(Hey buddy, coffee's on!)


Well, Darcy- he is profound... but the darks a sheeeeeeeeeeeee................
(I'll take mine with milk )
 
the.dark.



_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 1:40:06 PM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		Oops, sorry .dark.     I'm easily confoozed these days, more so than usual.  Knew them capitals and stuff meant something.  So you're both profound in addition to being cuter than kitties.  One with milk coming up!

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 1:49:34 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I know, can you even stand how totally cute they are? I love them and even love arguing with them!!

(in reply to littlebitxxx)
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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 1:58:54 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		awwww.... little sage one... no sorries ever from you to us because you are adorable.
 
Love
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to littlebitxxx)
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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 2:02:32 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I know, can you even stand how totally cute they are? I love them and even love arguing with them!!


shhh sexyone, you know I covert our disagreements and find arguing with you extremely hot...
Darcy very much appriciates our disagreements - oh yes.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 8:03:41 PM   
LittleWench


Posts: 265
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:


Here is what I mean.... I think each choice we make builds strength of character, then as choices add up we begin to draw lines in the sand. There is power in decisions, more choices, more decisions, eventually we appear to not be a submissive at all. Eventually someone will question our degree of submission which reinforces what we have feared all along.


Here's how I see it.  As a submissive you make choices... even if you choose to identify as a slave and give up those choices, that was a choice.  Assume the role of a slave, and as that slave you gave up free choice.  Every time you receive an order from your Master that does not give you warm and fuzzies, the brain says, whether you want it to or not, "remember this was your choice, do as you are told", every time you choose to obey you are strengthening your degree of submission.  Making choices does not have to lessen ones submissiveness.

quote:

Have you become jaded to the lifestyle or changed rolls as your character evolved?  Do you struggle to prove you are still submissive or do you just honor the fact that the pool of Dominants has grown smaller due to your strength?


I struggle with my submissiveness at times, but I don't feel the need to prove anything.

The BDSM nature of my relationship is new, so we are both still changing and evolving.  We looked at an M/s relationship, and upon conflict he would say "you don't have the right to..."  I would laugh and say bullshit, of course I have the right, my god and country give me these rights (I am not looking for a repeat of the slave's rights thread here, this is my explanation of my personal thought process that helped to evolve my relationship).  OK so that didn't work for us.  I am now a "pet" and he my Master/Owner, and rather than saying "you don't have the right to...." he now says "It's not your place to (disagree, disobey, etc)".  This works for us, I embrace and accept that difference, and it helps me with conflicts and struggles. 

Semantics perhaps, but it fits both our personal philosophies.  God forbid I ever had to look for another Dominant, he would have to understand the importance of that subtle difference for me.

(in reply to TethersEnd)
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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 9:37:09 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		A lot of subs and slaves worry about losing their "real selves" in these relationships- but that's only because they are willing to sacrifice or ignore who they really are in pursuit of some fantasy ideal.

Reality can be better than fantasy- but only if you refuse to compromise who you are and deal with it on its own terms.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LittleWench)
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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/14/2007 10:40:09 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TethersEnd
Would any of you consider sharing how you have grown and gained strength yet held on to that precious submissive side?

This is a mistake I see being made time and time again: Being strong, IN NO WAY, makes you less a submissive or slave.

quote:

Have you become jaded to the lifestyle or changed rolls as your character evolved?
 
From the flip side, no, I haven't. But, what I expect and want has changed.

quote:

Do you struggle to prove you are still submissive or do you just honor the fact that the pool of Dominants has grown smaller due to your strength?  

I am glad that my pool of s-type people is smaller. Weeding through the riff-raff was a pain. I imagine that there are submissive and slaves who would agree on the flip side

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to TethersEnd)
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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/15/2007 6:47:54 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Would any of you consider sharing how you have grown and gained strength yet held on to
that precious submissive side?  Have you become jaded to the lifestyle or changed rolls as
your character evolved?  Do you struggle to prove you are still submissive or do you just honor
the fact that the pool of Dominants has grown smaller due to your strength?  

I thank you in advance for your thoughts


I have never tried to hold to my ‘precious submissive side’. In all reality, I am not a very submissive person if I go by what most see as submissiveness. My personality is such that I am a fighter; literally and figuratively. I only submit to someone because there is something in me that connects with something in him. Even then, I still fight; but not because I am trying desperately to hold to something.

I am not jaded; and I have never played the ‘switch roles for the sake of convenience. ‘. I simply am myself at all times; no illusions, no thoughts of trying to be anything other than who I am. I simply am me.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


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RE: strength of character and itentity - 12/15/2007 9:43:11 AM   
fairerthanshe


Posts: 3035
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings all,
yet another post that begins with "What LA said..." lol

Reality for me is making the simple day to day connections with SJ.  Yes, he decides what the activities of any given day may be, but it is the two of us working together to make the connection and maintain it.  My submission to him in no way detracts from who I am innately - it enhances it allows my 'true self' to flourish.  Our connection is not swept up in fantasy or play - we have instead invested in the mundane goings on of life with each other.  Because the connection extends across every aspect of our lives, we are complements to one another.

well wishes ~ fairer than she

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

A lot of subs and slaves worry about losing their "real selves" in these relationships- but that's only because they are willing to sacrifice or ignore who they really are in pursuit of some fantasy ideal.

Reality can be better than fantasy- but only if you refuse to compromise who you are and deal with it on its own terms.


_____________________________

The Nuclear Bomb of Awesome, rockin' the MoFo Hawk, still a bad-ass with a bouncy attitude, and spreading joy as a predator in Hello Kitty panties

Recently honored with membership in the West Coast Assholes

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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