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Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/14/2007 9:23:22 PM

Spickalot

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Im in a situation where I feel as though I want to go a step further with my Mistress, and have no idea how to go about it. We started as friends, and are currently friends with benifits. We have the compatability to be able to talk about nothing for hours. Though whenever I try to take things a step further I obtain responces such as "I like you to much to hurt you.", and "I don't deserve you." When I ask about it I recieve a "I don't want to talk about it." I have no idea of how to gain any ground. -_-;;

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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/14/2007 10:00:03 PM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spickalot

Im in a situation where I feel as though I want to go a step further with my Mistress, and have no idea how to go about it. We started as friends, and are currently friends with benifits. We have the compatability to be able to talk about nothing for hours. Though whenever I try to take things a step further I obtain responces such as "I like you to much to hurt you.", and "I don't deserve you." When I ask about it I recieve a "I don't want to talk about it." I have no idea of how to gain any ground. -_-;;

Are you sure she is really kinky? Does she play with other people? Does she have toys and experience?
Akasha

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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/14/2007 10:24:55 PM

MasterFireMaam

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You can't force it. If she doesn't love herself enough to want you, she won't love you in the right way. If she's not willing to learn to love herself, I suggest you think about looking elsewhere for that kind of connection in your life.

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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/14/2007 10:27:05 PM

MissMagnolia

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Dare I say it? She's just not that into you.

I've had really close relationships with males, but that doesnt mean I'm in love with them. Sex isnt love.

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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/15/2007 8:28:00 AM

Spickalot

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First I should say i'm typing this from a psp so my original post space is limited.

She's more into the D/s side then the rest of it. She has a little over a year of experience, and has two mentors. As far as I know she has five subs, but I'm the only local. She has around a dozen or two toys, but when it comes to kinkiness she is under confident as I boarderline RACK. Though that has added a bit to her toy box. She refuses to try to gain confidence by playing with me as she is afraid she might hurt me.

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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/15/2007 10:40:31 AM

thetammyjo

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Can you explain what you mean by this line?

"as I boarderline RACK"

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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/15/2007 10:45:06 AM

RumpusParable

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She may just be primarily interested in D/s with only a rare or occasional interest in pain play... some folks are just like that.

Or she just may not be motivated to hurt you. Even in people with the ability and desire to play hard, they don't feel that inclination towards all their partners... with some the chemistry just isn't right, it doesn't come naturally.

This may be a simple case of incompatibility that you need to accept.

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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/15/2007 10:55:49 AM

takenbyjohnr07

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Five subs in just a little over a year? That should tell you something right there. i wouldn't push. Let it play out. the last thing you want to do is to force her to feel feelings she doesn't feel. You'll just end up getting hurt more.

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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/15/2007 1:59:04 PM

Boondoggle

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Can you explain what you mean by this line?

"as I boarderline RACK"

RACK ('Risk Aware Consensual Kink' if anyone is unfamiliar) is seen by some as a more 'edgy' guideline than SSC ('Safe, Sane, Consensual') by some. My educated guess is that the OP falls into the 'some' category.

To the OP: If you're certain she is interested and her confidence is holding her back, try to explain to her that you'll be very patient, won't judge her, won't have expectations, will offer lots of communication and encouragement and won't be upset if things do go exactly according to plan. Then, if she is willing, do those things.

< Message edited by Boondoggle -- 12/15/2007 2:03:44 PM >

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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/15/2007 2:11:58 PM

Raechard

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You’ve got to love them that make up acronyms, picture the scene: right guys we want to use the word RACK but what words can we associate with it?

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SSC is funny also.

Safe: who decides?
Sane: who decides?
Consensual: Fine, but how often does one need to ask?

SSC would rule out needle play due to the risk of infection, breath play because of the risk of asphyxiation and any form of consensual non consensual because it blurs the lines. It’s far better to assess risks and consider the probability of occurrence rather than to listen to a panel of authoritarians as to what is acceptable forms of play or not.
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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/15/2007 2:14:26 PM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Boondoggle

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Can you explain what you mean by this line?

"as I boarderline RACK"

RACK ('Risk Aware Consensual Kink' if anyone is unfamiliar) is seen by some as a more 'edgy' guideline than SSC ('Safe, Sane, Consensual') by some. My educated guess is that the OP falls into the 'some' category.

To the OP: If you're certain she is interested and her confidence is holding her back, try to explain to her that you'll be very patient, won't judge her, won't have expectations, will offer lots of communication and encouragement and won't be upset if things do go exactly according to plan. Then, if she is willing, do those things.

I know what RACK is. The sentence though with the above was part of didn't make much sense to me. Either you practice BDSM or you don't. I honestly don't personally see much gray area there -- consent or not is really the defining feature for me everything else is variations on the same basic concepts.

In my DS and SM the rule is the person with the greatest number of limits wins any competition between limits. If a a dominant (to refer back to the OP) is thinking she must do things that she has a limit for or which she does not feel qualified to do then I have to say that she does not really understand what it means to be a dominant. I'd say someone who thinks he/she is dominant but is doing something they really don't want to do isn't very dominant at all. So either the woman the OP is talking about is very new and confused about what it means to be a dominant or she's using it as an excuse rather than simply saying "I'm really not into you that way."

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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/15/2007 3:20:37 PM

Spickalot

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Okay. I actually get a computer to post this response so it should look a little better then the otherss I have done.

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Can you explain what you mean by this line?

"as I boarderline RACK"

I mean I boardeline RACK as in I like it when I get into edge play, but the sight of my own blood causes me to pass out. So while I like to be tickled by a knife I squirm so much that it takes a bit of experience (or a lot of rope) to be able to do it to me. A primary example that has come into play is that I really like fire play, though she won't do something like light my genitals on fire. If that makes more sense to you.

I'm glad to see all the different input placed upon this, and thanks for it. It's hard to hear some of the things said, but required at the same time. I suppose my best way of action is to continue what I'm doing (just being as sweet, and nice as possible), and hope for the best.

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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/15/2007 3:29:58 PM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spickalot

Okay. I actually get a computer to post this response so it should look a little better then the otherss I have done.

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Can you explain what you mean by this line?

"as I boarderline RACK"

I mean I boardeline RACK as in I like it when I get into edge play, but the sight of my own blood causes me to pass out. So while I like to be tickled by a knife I squirm so much that it takes a bit of experience (or a lot of rope) to be able to do it to me. A primary example that has come into play is that I really like fire play, though she won't do something like light my genitals on fire. If that makes more sense to you.

I'm glad to see all the different input placed upon this, and thanks for it. It's hard to hear some of the things said, but required at the same time. I suppose my best way of action is to continue what I'm doing (just being as sweet, and nice as possible), and hope for the best.

If I may...

If she doesn't know how to do those sorts of activities, then the risk you take (both of you in fact) may not be acceptable for her. You have to understand that and honor her limits.

A good way to experience those sorts of activities is to get involved in a support group or an educational group where they offer workshops. Sometimes tops doing workshops will ask for volunteers and that's a great way to get the fun and get known as someone who likes those types of activities. That can open up doors then to other tops that you can either play with or a partner can learn from it she wants.

Honestly since she has other partners, what's really to prevent you from finding other tops for various activities?

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RE: Puzzled -_-;;; - 12/15/2007 4:09:33 PM

Spickalot

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The concept of obtaining another person to be a top, or even obtaining a new Mistress all together has been a consideration for me. Though the hard part of it is I feel as though I'm rather picky when it comes to people that I like. I ended up at one point in my life lowering my standards so much that I wasn't doing any good for myself at all. Either way I have problems (though slowly grasping) about the concept of having multiple partners. My search keeps going on, and off acording to how I feel, and what actions my Mistress has done that might have discomfort me. It does get even more complex as currently the only thing hat makes me happy is doing something that places a smile on my Mistress's face.

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