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LadyHugs -> RE: first experience - question (1/4/2008 7:42:05 PM)
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Dear slave4master24, Ladies and Gentlemen;
In regard to your initial posts, I really feel that you have been subjected to abuse as well as someone who is claiming a 'mastery' role that has no idea what respect means, responsibilities mean, negotiation means and what kind of matches he is playing with--the matches being pain and body injury/hurt/pain.
Being niave is not an excuse to go overboard and go beyond a person's abilities. I feel this has been the case and again--if it is a friend--you need better ones; as this person is no friend to you and or anybody at this stage of the learning and experience process of 'being in the scene and or lifestyle.'
Here are some excerpts from The Manual - How you give service, to which I authored in 1997 and is copyrighted, certified and registered with the US Library of Congress. Hopefully, this will give you some strength as to be respected and have the power to say 'no' when someone pulls any stunts saying; that your no slave if you do this/don't do that--be your best advocate and don't think a title excuses someone from bad behavior. A scene/play session does not automaticly make a person a "master' and or "slave." Respect yourself first and have others earn your respect.
Now--Here are the excerpts to The Manual - How you give service.
Responsibilities of the Master, Mistress and Slaves Masters and Mistresses
For maintaining and protecting the trust that you have bestowed upon me with your submission and holding that trust as the sacred foundation of our relationship
For your protection of the physical and emotional safety. Be assured that I will not deliberately cause you permanent and/or irreversible damage.
For your guidance and direction.
For establishing and maintaining the lines of communication necessary to insure your growth and the growth of this relationship.
For providing for your needs and caring for you within the context of our Master- slave and/or Mistress-slave relationship.
For training you as my property, so that you might achieve your true potential as my slave.
For demonstrating as much creativity in approaching the task of meeting your ever changing needs as I shall require that you demonstrate in meeting mine.
For insuring that you are always treated in a manner that is consistent with your role as my valued property and valued human.
To hold slave harmless of criminal/civil allegations/charges/investigations as long as it is within the limits and actions of the relationship. However, if the acts go beyond the consented contract the slave understands the Master's/Mistress's rights to pursue judicial relief.Slave's Responsibilities
You must understand clearly the terms and conditions of your submission.
You must be certain of what is expected of you and what limitations are placed upon you. It is impossible for you to submit successfully, if you fail to understand the terms and conditions of submission.
Armed with free choice, you surrender your freedom willingly to me your Master and/or Mistress.
You have willingly agreed to my control and domination. As long as you have to remain in this relationship, you are expected to honor and obey me.
As slave you are obligated to and responsible for insuring that you do nothing to endanger and/or threaten your health and well being, and/or that of your Master/
Mistress and/or the Master's/Mistress's household.
You are obligated to protecting and preserving my property and yourself from risk of harm to include from me, should I be behaving in a manner you believe is unsafe.
For communicating your needs to me clearly and unequivocally.
Notifying me of any changes in your physical/emotional/mental well being.
Maintaining your weight and physical fitness in accordance with good health and my wishes.
Knowing that you may talk with me about anything at any time. But in this, you are expected to exercise good judgment and self control by planning to bring new issues forward at times that are considerate of the Master's/Mistress's needs.
Exercising care and sound judgment in all things, remembering that in all things your conduct reflects upon me.
A slave's primary function is to serve and please the Master/Mistress with the following of the secondary function of being desirable and pleasing as you serve your Master and/or Mistress.
Slave has sworn to fulfill my desires. Being a generous Master/Mistress, to be such to his/her slave, the Master/Mistress requires that his/her slave give their all, without expecting anything beyond the pleasures of serving him/her in return.
To hold a Master/Mistress harmless of any criminal/civil allegations/ investigations and charges, as long as it is within the limits and actions of the relationship. However, if such acts go beyond the consented contract, Master/Mistress understands the slave's right to pursue judicial relief.NEGOTIATIONS FOR SLAVE, SUBMISSIVE AND SCENES
Part One: General Information
1. SM Experience: a) Novice ____ b) Experienced ______
2. Sexual Orientation:
a) Heterosexual ____ b) Bi Sexual ____ c) Bi Curious ____ d) Gay ____
3. Gender Orientation:
a) Male ____ b) Female ____ c) Cross Dresser _____ d) Transsexual ____
4. Dominant:
a) Always ____ b) Often ____ c) Rarely ____ d) Never ____
5. Submissive:
a) Always ____ b) Often ____ c) Rarely ____ d) Never ____
6. Masochistic:
a) Very ____ b) Somewhat ____ c) Hardly ____ d) No ____
7. Sadist:
a) Very ____ b) Somewhat ____ c) Hardly ____ d) No ____
8. Main Interests:
a) Sexual - Physical (bottom or top) ______
b) Psychosexual - Mental (D/s role-play) ______
c) Both are equally important ______
9. Will play at:
a) Anywhere ______
b) My House or Apartment ______
c) Outdoors ______
d) Parties ______
e) At SM Clubs ______
f) Public - near my home ______
g) Public - away from home ______
h) Other Places ________________________ ______
10. Who can know of your activities?
a) Nobody ______
b) Private play only partner ______
c) A few trusted friends ______
d) Other scene people can know ______
11. How do you feel about other people in your scene?
a) I only want to play with myself ______
b) Just me and my partner ______
c) Threesome ______
d) Small Groups ______
e) The more the happier I'll be ______
f) Pre-approved people only ______
12. How do you feel about service? (Cleaning, errands, etc.)
a) I live to serve ______
b) Helping my Dominant in little ways makes me feel good ______
c) It is part of the fantasy, but do not overdue it ______
d) Expletive nonsense, I will do what is fun ______
13. How do you feel about punishment?
a) It is part of the training and the right of the Dominant. ______
b) Penalties for "disobedience" enhances the fantasy ______
c) It can be OK as an excuse for having fun ______
d) Pointless, mutual pleasure needs no justification ______
14. What bruises or body marks are acceptable?
a) Leave my body as is - No marks ______
b) Temporary redness - gone in a few hours ______
c) Occasional accidental bruises are OK ______
d) Its OK to mark and carry bruises one week ______
e) Heavy bruises and welts are wanted ______
f) Permanent marks are OK ______
15. Roles of the Dominant: _____________________________________________
16. Roles of the Submissive: ____________________________________________
17. Fetishes: ________________________________________________________
18. Wants and Perceived Needs: _________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
19. Medical, Physical or Emotional concerns: _______________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
20. Limits: __________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
21. Safe Words: _____________________________________________________Additional Comments
Part Two - Preferred Activities
Check which applies and then use the lined space for additional comments.CORPORAL
1. Spanking by hand____________________________________________
2. Leather Paddles _____________________________________________
3. Wooden Paddles ____________________________________________
4. Belts or Straps ______________________________________________
5. Switch ____________________________________________________
6. Deer Skin Floggers - cats ______________________________________
7. Leather Floggers - cats ________________________________________
8. Braided Floggers - cats ________________________________________
9. Rubber Floggers - cats ________________________________________
10. Knotted whips ______________________________________________
11. Single lash (Dressage, whips, etc) ________________________________
12. Quirts _____________________________________________________
13. Cane - Rattan _______________________________________________
14. Fiberglass or plastic rods _______________________________________
15. Riding Crops _______________________________________________
16. Taws ______________________________________________________BONDAGE
17. Mental Bondage _____________________________________________
18. Nylon Rope ________________________________________________
19. Cotton Rope _______________________________________________
20. Chains ____________________________________________________
21. Leather Bonds ______________________________________________
22. Spandex Bonds _____________________________________________
23. Plastic Wrap _______________________________________________
24. Body Bags _________________________________________________
25. Gags ______________________________________________________
26. Leather Cuffs _______________________________________________
27. Steel Shackles - Handcuffs _____________________________________
28. Arm Sleeves ________________________________________________
29. Straight Jacket ______________________________________________
30. Breast Bondage _____________________________________________
31. Genital Bondage (CBT, etc.) ____________________________________
32. Spreader Bar _______________________________________________
33. Cages _____________________________________________________
34. Slings and swings _____________________________________________
35. Stocks or Pillory _____________________________________________
36. Crosses (St. Andrew Cross) ____________________________________
37. Suspension on the toes ________________________________________
38. Suspension _________________________________________________
39. Outdoor settings _____________________________________________
40. Indoor settings _______________________________________________
41. Public settings _______________________________________________
42. Semi Private settings __________________________________________
43. Private settings ______________________________________________
44. 1-3 Hour duration ____________________________________________
45. 4-8 Hour duration ____________________________________________
46. Over night duration ___________________________________________
47. Lifestyle - Outside of Home ____________________________________
48. Lifestyle ____________________________________________________ TORTURE AND SENSORY DEPRIVATION
49. Blindfolds __________________________________________________
50. Modified Blindfolds (goggles) ___________________________________
51. Hoods ____________________________________________________
52. Head phones or ear plugs ______________________________________
53. Tickling ____________________________________________________
54. Feathers ___________________________________________________
55. Furs ______________________________________________________
56. Sexual teasing _______________________________________________
57. Sexual denial ________________________________________________
58. Chastity Belt _________________________________________________
59. Pinching ____________________________________________________
60. Hair pulling _________________________________________________
61. Nipple clamps - Nipple clips ____________________________________
62. Clothes Pins ________________________________________________
63. Genital torture _______________________________________________
64. Weights ____________________________________________________
65. Cock rings __________________________________________________
66. Ball Stretcher ________________________________________________
67. Water Torture _______________________________________________
68. Ice ________________________________________________________
69. Oils, lotions or spices __________________________________________
70. Fire and Ice _________________________________________________
71. Hot Wax ___________________________________________________
72. Needles ____________________________________________________
73. Cuttings ____________________________________________________
74. Abrasions __________________________________________________
75. Electric torture _______________________________________________
SEXUAL
76. Digital -finger sex ____________________________________________
77. Directed Masturbation ________________________________________
78. Vaginal Sex ________________________________________________
79. Oral Sex __________________________________________________
80. Anal Sex __________________________________________________
81. Vibrator - dildo ____________________________________________
82. Strap on dildo _____________________________________________
83. Anal Plug - butt plug _________________________________________
84. Multiple Penetration _________________________________________
85. Analingus _________________________________________________
86. Vaginal fisting _____________________________________________
87. Anal fisting _______________________________________________
88. Fantasy Rape ______________________________________________
89. Directed bi-sexuality _________________________________________
90. Threesome ________________________________________________
91. Group ____________________________________________________HUMILIATION AND EXHIBITION
92. Foot worship _______________________________________________
93. Kneeling __________________________________________________
94. Crawling __________________________________________________
95. Leading on a leash ___________________________________________
96. Dirty words ________________________________________________
97. Verbal Abuse _______________________________________________
98. Public Embarrassment ________________________________________
99. Face Slapping _______________________________________________
100. Cross Dressing ______________________________________________
101. Secret sex in public ___________________________________________
102. Public Display _______________________________________________
103. Public Sex __________________________________________________
104. Public Whipping _____________________________________________
105. Infantilism __________________________________________________
106. Golden Showers _____________________________________________
107. Enema ____________________________________________________DRESS AND ADORNMENT
108. Innocent ___________________________________________________
109. Slutty _____________________________________________________
110. Prim and Proper _____________________________________________
111. Ultra Feminine ______________________________________________
112. Official Domina - Goddess Uniform ______________________________
113. French Maid ________________________________________________
114. Child - baby ________________________________________________
115. Slave _____________________________________________________
116. Macho ____________________________________________________
117. Biker _____________________________________________________
118. Spandex ___________________________________________________
119. Rubber - latex _______________________________________________
120. Masks or Hoods _____________________________________________
121. Costumes __________________________________________________
122. Lingerie ___________________________________________________
123. Corsets - Bustier - Cinches _____________________________________
124. Boots _____________________________________________________
125. Garter and hose - stockings _____________________________________
126. High heels __________________________________________________
127. Tattooing ___________________________________________________
128. Body Piercing ________________________________________________
129. Branding ____________________________________________________COMMENTS AND ADDED ITEMS
Part Three -Checklists - What has been discussed
Limits and safe words
Relationships (Exclusive and depth of it)
Sex and birth control
Safer sex - Current Health
Dominant Signature _______________________________________
Submissive Signature ______________________________________
Date ___________________________________________________
Notice This is private information that will not go into a file other then associated with the contract of the slave or submissive, it is subject to review and re-negotiations as the relationship progresses, therefore it is most important to fill this questionnaire out in an honest manner to prevent any misunderstandings or injuries.
SCENES, STYLE, ROLE PLAY, BDSM, D&S AND VIEWS
What is a scene? In the Leather Community it is when people join in, at a place, a time and the Top and bottom, Dominant and Submissive play.
So, now that is established we wish to do a scene together now it is time for the players, such as the Dominant and submissive to "create one." But this can wait.
Has anyone considered the "safety" of meeting for the first time? How about if it is the first real life meeting of any kind? How well do you really know this person? Is this Dominant all talk and no skills? Is this submissive all talk and will not meet me, the Dominant? I'm a little lady who is a Dominant and this submissive make is a giant compared to me, what on earth did I ask for a alone meeting with him for? These are a few questions that may be a "after thought," after people agree to have a scene together.
The author suggests strongly, regardless of whether it is a friend, a referral from another dominant or submissive, a friendship struck on the Internet Chat rooms or through phone conversations, there is a need for some "reality checks."
I know how eagerness sometimes over rides good judgment. But unlike the "cyber chat rooms," to which you can exit safely from, or a phone call you can disconnect from a real face to face meeting alone is not so easy to run away from, especially if in the middle of a scene. Correct???? Come on...be honest!
There is always a "chance", a "risk" we all take in meeting and going off alone into places unknown, with people we first meet. Yes, I know people do it all the time and nothing happens to them. True, but that isn't you. Take the time to have a good plan.
Regardless if Dominant or submissive, male or female or regardless of all the fancy words of "trust me" There is no shame in being slow and cautious and getting to know each other better.
I suggest these tips for the first face to face meeting. They are:
1. Pick a public place like a restaurant, to meet for the first time.
a. Gives you a chance to talk.
b. Go over pre-scene negotiation questionnaire.
c. Discuss what kinds of things, role-play, ideas, physical, mental
and/or emotional triggers.
d. Discuss the "silent alarm," and "buddy system."
e. Safe words, silent signals and any other concerns.
f. Gives a safe place to escape the other or have help near by if you need to yell for help.
g. Gives you a better "feeling" or "reading" of the other person.
2. If things do not go well, politely end the conversation and leave.
3. If you feel like you are being followed, go to a gas station, fire station
or police station nearest to you and wait.
a. If you have seen the other's car, it is good to write down or make
a note of what kind of car, the color and tag number and any other helpful information.
4. When you feel that a sufficient time has passed and if the person has not
followed you, but merely a coincidence that he/she happened to travel the
same direction for a while, then proceed home or your next destination.
a. If you have a buddy on stand-by waiting for your call, it would
be a good time to call in and advise your "buddy" that you are not with the person now, and that you are traveling here or there. This way your buddy can go about their business.
5. Should you hit it off well and decide to immediately go play.
a. Call your "buddy" let them know who you are with, what car
they are driving, tag number, description or similar in appearance
to somebody you both know, like an actor or friend, etc. What location you will be at, give an address and phone number if possible, room of hotel as well as the Hotel's name and location, time expected to get there and to leave, and what time you will check in. (Do this away from the other's hearing.)
b. Let your play partner know you have a buddy system and what
time you need to check in with them before that buddy calls the police or comes to make sure you are ok.
6. Make sure you are free in time to make the phone call to the "Buddy." And, do not put off the phone call into your back up /emergency help/buddy! Your life may not be in danger, but if you do not call your buddy will not know that. And, if that buddy is a good buddy, they will call and make sure that you are ok.
7. Have spare keys, in case your purse is snatched and stolen.
a. Some cases have been reported that meetings with Dominants or submissives, male or female, that all it was just a way to get somebody into a hotel room to rob, assault, rape and/or kidnap them. Often, the person was coaxed into a hotel room, tied up the person or was themselves tied up when the crime was then committed.
b. Have spare clothes, coat, shoes and keys with you before meeting anyone. Just in case the items are cut, damaged or stolen. And, be sure you don't let anybody see where you have hidden the key. Some old women use to sew spare keys into their coat hem or collar.
8. Never let your play partner know whom your buddy or silent alarm partner is. Keep the identity and codes to yourself, and change those codes each time there is a new meeting, till there is no longer a need for a "buddy" or "silent alarm."
9. Inspect the toys. Make sure all are clean, and if possible have your own personal toys, especially those that enter the anus, vagina or mouth. If you don't have those toys with you, just skip it till the next time you play.
Don't be careless with your health.
10. Back into your parking spaces if possible. You will be able then to get into your car and drive, without the time to back up and turn around, giving your potential attacker the chance to break out your window or fire gun shots into your face.
11. If you are not prepared and have a buddy, but you knew of the meeting in advance, type a letter or a e-mail of who you are meeting, when, where, what date and time, etc., with the understanding that if you do not write a follow up e-mail with "codes", to check into your disappearance. Never give out your password to your computer account. Even computer trails are made, and caught one murderer that killed a lady from Maryland in the state of South Carolina.
12. Have the Dominant demonstrate his/her skill with the toys they intend to use on you if you are the submissive. You do not want to find out after you are tied up, gagged and lay naked and helpless that the Dominant has little or no skills with his/her toys.
13. Have a first aid kit. Dominants "should" carry one but, the author has seen more times then not, nobody carries one in their toy bag. Submissives are wise to carry one on their own.
14. Leave kids and pets at home please. This is not the topic for kids to know about, pets can get nervous or protective when whipping, paddling or spanking happens, and that pet might turn into a vicious attack dog. Pets do not like seeing owners being hurt you know. So keep them home in their own environment.
15. Make sure any important information, like health and physical problems are known, write down any emergency numbers or contact information before you start to play.
16. If you have a scene friendly buddy, see if the other person would allow that "buddy" to sit in another room while you both go off and play. Having a friend in the next room adds so much more comfort to the other, as there will be somebody there to help if needed and will come when shouted for. Any real time player will appreciate the "buddy system," but should that person be now out numbered, be gracious and offer to invite his/her buddy so things are even.
a. This is what I like about public dungeons, the whole room is filled with people and scenes can be carried through without having to worry about disrupting the "buddy's" day.
17. When the scene is over, the calls have been made in mid scene to your "buddy" or "silent alarm," and all the toys have been collected, everybody is dressed and leaves the hotel room, just call in to your "buddy" that you have left the hotel room and now going here or there. Let your buddy get their freedom back as soon as possible.
18. Be sure and follow up on any e-mails or notifications that are in place, should you not check in. Delete what you need to delete.
19. Thank your "buddy." And please remember to offer to do the same for them, regardless if they are in the BDSM or D/s scene or not. These tips are valid for any type of meeting with new playmates or dates.
20. Remember, not every Dominant or submissive will be as skilled as another may be. Some have different kinks than others as well. If there is a disagreement please don't be "disagreeable." Be calm, polite and be able to express why you disagree on how things were done. Perhaps, through the first scene adjustments to improve the next will have you both satisfied.
21. Report any bad conduct to others. This holds true mostly with the Dominants, as they are the ones who strike people with their toys/ tools, do bondage, torture and/or other playing activities that fall under the "Top's" realm. Please report dangerous plays such as:
a. Not obeying "safe words" or "silent codes."
b. More than occasional "wrapping" of the whip, cane or other instrument. (Note: wrapping is when the tails of the flogger or tip of the cane bends beyond the intended bulb of the buttocks, hitting on the side of the hip, thighs or kidney areas.)
1. Shows lack of skill of the Top.
2. Top may be ignorant of safe whipping zones
3. Top intentionally wishes to injure.
4. Top may switch into an alter-personality and looses touch with reality.
c. Any violation of the pre-scene negotiations, other then what was changed in the middle of the scene and consented to by both. If one person consents and the other does not. Then it is not consensual. It has to be both.
d. Any injuries which was not consented to or pre-negotiated on receiving.
1. A Top if skilled, should be able to range damage to the body from pink to blistered and welted or even drawing blood.Responsibilities of the Master, Mistress and Slaves Masters and Mistresses
For maintaining and protecting the trust that you have bestowed upon me with your submission and holding that trust as the sacred foundation of our relationship
For your protection of the physical and emotional safety. Be assured that I will not deliberately cause you permanent and/or irreversible damage.
For your guidance and direction.
For establishing and maintaining the lines of communication necessary to insure your growth and the growth of this relationship.
For providing for your needs and caring for you within the context of our Master- slave and/or Mistress-slave relationship.
For training you as my property, so that you might achieve your true potential as my slave.
For demonstrating as much creativity in approaching the task of meeting your ever changing needs as I shall require that you demonstrate in meeting mine.
For insuring that you are always treated in a manner that is consistent with your role as my valued property and valued human.
To hold slave harmless of criminal/civil allegations/charges/investigations as long as it is within the limits and actions of the relationship. However, if the acts go beyond the consented contract the slave understands the Master's/Mistress's rights to pursue judicial relief.Slave's Responsibilities
You must understand clearly the terms and conditions of your submission.
You must be certain of what is expected of you and what limitations are placed upon you. It is impossible for you to submit successfully, if you fail to understand the terms and conditions of submission.
Armed with free choice, you surrender your freedom willingly to me your Master and/or Mistress.
You have willingly agreed to my control and domination. As long as you have to remain in this relationship, you are expected to honor and obey me.
As slave you are obligated to and responsible for insuring that you do nothing to endanger and/or threaten your health and well being, and/or that of your Master/
Mistress and/or the Master's/Mistress's household.
You are obligated to protecting and preserving my property and yourself from risk of harm to include from me, should I be behaving in a manner you believe is unsafe.
For communicating your needs to me clearly and unequivocally.
Notifying me of any changes in your physical/emotional/mental well being.
Maintaining your weight and physical fitness in accordance with good health and my wishes.
Knowing that you may talk with me about anything at any time. But in this, you are expected to exercise good judgment and self control by planning to bring new issues forward at times that are considerate of the Master's/Mistress's needs.
Exercising care and sound judgment in all things, remembering that in all things your conduct reflects upon me.
A slave's primary function is to serve and please the Master/Mistress with the following of the secondary function of being desirable and pleasing as you serve your Master and/or Mistress.
Slave has sworn to fulfill my desires. Being a generous Master/Mistress, to be such to his/her slave, the Master/Mistress requires that his/her slave give their all, without expecting anything beyond the pleasures of serving him/her in return.
To hold a Master/Mistress harmless of any criminal/civil allegations/ investigations and charges, as long as it is within the limits and actions of the relationship. However, if such acts go beyond the consented contract, Master/Mistress understands the slave's right to pursue judicial relief.NEGOTIATIONS FOR SLAVE, SUBMISSIVE AND SCENES
Part One: General Information
1. SM Experience: a) Novice ____ b) Experienced ______
2. Sexual Orientation:
a) Heterosexual ____ b) Bi Sexual ____ c) Bi Curious ____ d) Gay ____
3. Gender Orientation:
a) Male ____ b) Female ____ c) Cross Dresser _____ d) Transsexual ____
4. Dominant:
a) Always ____ b) Often ____ c) Rarely ____ d) Never ____
5. Submissive:
a) Always ____ b) Often ____ c) Rarely ____ d) Never ____
6. Masochistic:
a) Very ____ b) Somewhat ____ c) Hardly ____ d) No ____
7. Sadist:
a) Very ____ b) Somewhat ____ c) Hardly ____ d) No ____
8. Main Interests:
a) Sexual - Physical (bottom or top) ______
b) Psychosexual - Mental (D/s role-play) ______
c) Both are equally important ______
9. Will play at:
a) Anywhere ______
b) My House or Apartment ______
c) Outdoors ______
d) Parties ______
e) At SM Clubs ______
f) Public - near my home ______
g) Public - away from home ______
h) Other Places ________________________ ______
10. Who can know of your activities?
a) Nobody ______
b) Private play only partner ______
c) A few trusted friends ______
d) Other scene people can know ______
11. How do you feel about other people in your scene?
a) I only want to play with myself ______
b) Just me and my partner ______
c) Threesome ______
d) Small Groups ______
e) The more the happier I'll be ______
f) Pre-approved people only ______
12. How do you feel about service? (Cleaning, errands, etc.)
a) I live to serve ______
b) Helping my Dominant in little ways makes
me feel good ______
c) It is part of the fantasy, but do not overdue it ______
d) Expletive nonsense, I will do what is fun ______
13. How do you feel about punishment?
a) It is part of the training and the right
of the Dominant. ______
b) Penalties for "disobedience" enhances the
fantasy ______
c) It can be OK as an excuse for having fun ______
d) Pointless, mutual pleasure needs no justification ______
14. What bruises or body marks are acceptable?
a) Leave my body as is - No marks ______
b) Temporary redness - gone in a few hours ______
c) Occasional accidental bruises are OK ______
d) Its OK to mark and carry bruises one week ______
e) Heavy bruises and welts are wanted ______
f) Permanent marks are OK ______
15. Roles of the Dominant: _____________________________________________
16. Roles of the Submissive: ____________________________________________
17. Fetishes: ________________________________________________________
18. Wants and Perceived Needs: _________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
19. Medical, Physical or Emotional concerns: _______________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
20. Limits: __________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
21. Safe Words: _____________________________________________________Additional Comments
Part Two - Preferred Activities
Check which applies and then use the lined space for additional comments.CORPORAL
1. Spanking by hand____________________________________________
2. Leather Paddles _____________________________________________
3. Wooden Paddles ____________________________________________
4. Belts or Straps ______________________________________________
5. Switch ____________________________________________________
6. Deer Skin Floggers - cats ______________________________________
7. Leather Floggers - cats ________________________________________
8. Braided Floggers - cats ________________________________________
9. Rubber Floggers - cats ________________________________________
10. Knotted whips ______________________________________________
11. Single lash (Dressage, whips, etc) ________________________________
12. Quirts _____________________________________________________
13. Cane - Rattan _______________________________________________
14. Fiberglass or plastic rods _______________________________________
15. Riding Crops _______________________________________________
16. Taws ______________________________________________________BONDAGE
17. Mental Bondage _____________________________________________
18. Nylon Rope ________________________________________________
19. Cotton Rope _______________________________________________
20. Chains ____________________________________________________
21. Leather Bonds ______________________________________________
22. Spandex Bonds _____________________________________________
23. Plastic Wrap _______________________________________________
24. Body Bags _________________________________________________
25. Gags ______________________________________________________
26. Leather Cuffs _______________________________________________
27. Steel Shackles - Handcuffs _____________________________________
28. Arm Sleeves ________________________________________________
29. Straight Jacket ______________________________________________
30. Breast Bondage _____________________________________________
31. Genital Bondage (CBT, etc.) ____________________________________
32. Spreader Bar _______________________________________________
33. Cages _____________________________________________________
34. Slings and swings _____________________________________________
35. Stocks or Pillory _____________________________________________
36. Crosses (St. Andrew Cross) ____________________________________
37. Suspension on the toes ________________________________________
38. Suspension _________________________________________________
39. Outdoor settings _____________________________________________
40. Indoor settings _______________________________________________
41. Public settings _______________________________________________
42. Semi Private settings __________________________________________
43. Private settings ______________________________________________
44. 1-3 Hour duration ____________________________________________
45. 4-8 Hour duration ____________________________________________
46. Over night duration ___________________________________________
47. Lifestyle - Outside of Home ____________________________________
48. Lifestyle ____________________________________________________ TORTURE AND SENSORY DEPRIVATION
49. Blindfolds __________________________________________________
50. Modified Blindfolds (goggles) ___________________________________
51. Hoods ____________________________________________________
52. Head phones or ear plugs ______________________________________
53. Tickling ____________________________________________________
54. Feathers ___________________________________________________
55. Furs ______________________________________________________
56. Sexual teasing _______________________________________________
57. Sexual denial ________________________________________________
58. Chastity Belt _________________________________________________
59. Pinching ____________________________________________________
60. Hair pulling _________________________________________________
61. Nipple clamps - Nipple clips ____________________________________
62. Clothes Pins ________________________________________________
63. Genital torture _______________________________________________
64. Weights ____________________________________________________
65. Cock rings __________________________________________________
66. Ball Stretcher ________________________________________________
67. Water Torture _______________________________________________
68. Ice ________________________________________________________
69. Oils, lotions or spices __________________________________________
70. Fire and Ice _________________________________________________
71. Hot Wax ___________________________________________________
72. Needles ____________________________________________________
73. Cuttings ____________________________________________________
74. Abrasions __________________________________________________
75. Electric torture _______________________________________________
SEXUAL
76. Digital -finger sex ____________________________________________
77. Directed Masturbation ________________________________________
78. Vaginal Sex ________________________________________________
79. Oral Sex __________________________________________________
80. Anal Sex __________________________________________________
81. Vibrator - dildo ____________________________________________
82. Strap on dildo _____________________________________________
83. Anal Plug - butt plug _________________________________________
84. Multiple Penetration _________________________________________
85. Analingus _________________________________________________
86. Vaginal fisting _____________________________________________
87. Anal fisting _______________________________________________
88. Fantasy Rape ______________________________________________
89. Directed bi-sexuality _________________________________________
90. Threesome ________________________________________________
91. Group ____________________________________________________HUMILIATION AND EXHIBITION
92. Foot worship _______________________________________________
93. Kneeling __________________________________________________
94. Crawling __________________________________________________
95. Leading on a leash ___________________________________________
96. Dirty words ________________________________________________
97. Verbal Abuse _______________________________________________
98. Public Embarrassment ________________________________________
99. Face Slapping _______________________________________________
100. Cross Dressing ______________________________________________
101. Secret sex in public ___________________________________________
102. Public Display _______________________________________________
103. Public Sex __________________________________________________
104. Public Whipping _____________________________________________
105. Infantilism __________________________________________________
106. Golden Showers _____________________________________________
107. Enema ____________________________________________________DRESS AND ADORNMENT
108. Innocent ___________________________________________________
109. Slutty _____________________________________________________
110. Prim and Proper _____________________________________________
111. Ultra Feminine ______________________________________________
112. Official Domina - Goddess Uniform ______________________________
113. French Maid ________________________________________________
114. Child - baby ________________________________________________
115. Slave _____________________________________________________
116. Macho ____________________________________________________
117. Biker _____________________________________________________
118. Spandex ___________________________________________________
119. Rubber - latex _______________________________________________
120. Masks or Hoods _____________________________________________
121. Costumes __________________________________________________
122. Lingerie ___________________________________________________
123. Corsets - Bustier - Cinches _____________________________________
124. Boots _____________________________________________________
125. Garter and hose - stockings _____________________________________
126. High heels __________________________________________________
127. Tattooing ___________________________________________________
128. Body Piercing ________________________________________________
129. Branding ____________________________________________________COMMENTS AND ADDED ITEMS
Part Three -Checklists - What has been discussed
Limits and safe words
Relationships (Exclusive and depth of it)
Sex and birth control
Safer sex - Current Health
Dominant Signature _______________________________________
Submissive Signature ______________________________________
Date ___________________________________________________
Notice This is private information that will not go into a file other then associated with the contract of the slave or submissive, it is subject to review and re-negotiations as the relationship progresses, therefore it is most important to fill this questionnaire out in an honest manner to prevent any misunderstandings or injuries.
SCENES, STYLE, ROLE PLAY, BDSM, D&S AND VIEWS
What is a scene? In the Leather Community it is when people join in, at a place, a time and the Top and bottom, Dominant and Submissive play.
So, now that is established we wish to do a scene together now it is time for the players, such as the Dominant and submissive to "create one." But this can wait.
Has anyone considered the "safety" of meeting for the first time? How about if it is the first real life meeting of any kind? How well do you really know this person? Is this Dominant all talk and no skills? Is this submissive all talk and will not meet me, the Dominant? I'm a little lady who is a Dominant and this submissive make is a giant compared to me, what on earth did I ask for a alone meeting with him for? These are a few questions that may be a "after thought," after people agree to have a scene together.
The author suggests strongly, regardless of whether it is a friend, a referral from another dominant or submissive, a friendship struck on the Internet Chat rooms or through phone conversations, there is a need for some "reality checks."
I know how eagerness sometimes over rides good judgment. But unlike the "cyber chat rooms," to which you can exit safely from, or a phone call you can disconnect from a real face to face meeting alone is not so easy to run away from, especially if in the middle of a scene. Correct???? Come on...be honest!
There is always a "chance", a "risk" we all take in meeting and going off alone into places unknown, with people we first meet. Yes, I know people do it all the time and nothing happens to them. True, but that isn't you. Take the time to have a good plan.
Regardless if Dominant or submissive, male or female or regardless of all the fancy words of "trust me" There is no shame in being slow and cautious and getting to know each other better.
I suggest these tips for the first face to face meeting. They are:
1. Pick a public place like a restaurant, to meet for the first time.
a. Gives you a chance to talk.
b. Go over pre-scene negotiation questionnaire.
c. Discuss what kinds of things, role-play, ideas, physical, mental
and/or emotional triggers.
d. Discuss the "silent alarm," and "buddy system."
e. Safe words, silent signals and any other concerns.
f. Gives a safe place to escape the other or have help near by if you need to yell for help.
g. Gives you a better "feeling" or "reading" of the other person.
2. If things do not go well, politely end the conversation and leave.
3. If you feel like you are being followed, go to a gas station, fire station
or police station nearest to you and wait.
a. If you have seen the other's car, it is good to write down or make
a note of what kind of car, the color and tag number and any other helpful information.
4. When you feel that a sufficient time has passed and if the person has not
followed you, but merely a coincidence that he/she happened to travel the
same direction for a while, then proceed home or your next destination.
a. If you have a buddy on stand-by waiting for your call, it would
be a good time to call in and advise your "buddy" that you are not with the person now, and that you are traveling here or there.
This way your buddy can go about their business.
5. Should you hit it off well and decide to immediately go play.
a. Call your "buddy" let them know who you are with, what car
they are driving, tag number, description or similar in appearance
to somebody you both know, like an actor or friend, etc. What location you will be at, give an address and phone number if
possible, room of hotel as well as the Hotel's name and location,
time expected to get there and to leave, and what time you will
check in. (Do this away from the other's hearing.)
b. Let your play partner know you have a buddy system and what
time you need to check in with them before that buddy calls the
police or comes to make sure you are ok.
6. Make sure you are free in time to make the phone call to the "Buddy."
And, do not put off the phone call into your back up /emergency
help/buddy! Your life may not be in danger, but if you do not call
your buddy will not know that. And, if that buddy is a good buddy, they
will call and make sure that you are ok.
7. Have spare keys, in case your purse is snatched and stolen.
a. Some cases have been reported that meetings with Dominants or submissives, male or female, that all it was just a way to get somebody into a hotel room to rob, assault, rape and/or kidnap them.
Often, the person was coaxed into a hotel room, tied up the person or was themselves tied up when the crime was then committed.
b. Have spare clothes, coat, shoes and keys with you before meeting
anyone. Just in case the items are cut, damaged or stolen. And,
be sure you don't let anybody see where you have hidden the key.
Some old women use to sew spare keys into their coat hem or
collar.
8. Never let your play partner know whom your buddy or silent alarm partner is. Keep the identity and codes to yourself, and change those codes each time there is a new meeting, till there is no longer a need for a "buddy" or "silent alarm."
9. Inspect the toys. Make sure all are clean, and if possible have your own
personal toys, especially those that enter the anus, vagina or mouth. If
you don't have those toys with you, just skip it till the next time you play.
Don't be careless with your health.
10. Back into your parking spaces if possible. You will be able then to get
into your car and drive, without the time to back up and turn around,
giving your potential attacker the chance to break out your window or
fire gun shots into your face.
11. If you are not prepared and have a buddy, but you knew of the meeting in advance, type a letter or a e-mail of who you are meeting, when, where, what date and time, etc., with the understanding that if you do not write a follow up e-mail with "codes", to check into your disappearance. Never give out your password to your computer account. Even computer trails are made, and caught one murderer that killed a lady from Maryland in the state of South Carolina.
12. Have the Dominant demonstrate his/her skill with the toys they intend to use on you if you are the submissive. You do not want to find out after you are tied up, gagged and lay naked and helpless that the Dominant has little or no skills with his/her toys.
13. Have a first aid kit. Dominants "should" carry one but, the author has seen more times then not, nobody carries one in their toy bag. Submissives are wise to carry one on their own.
14. Leave kids and pets at home please. This is not the topic for kids to know about, pets can get nervous or protective when whipping, paddling or spanking happens, and that pet might turn into a vicious attack dog. Pets do not like seeing owners being hurt you know.
So keep them home in their own environment.
15. Make sure any important information, like health and physical problems are known, write down any emergency numbers or contact information before you start to play.
16. If you have a scene friendly buddy, see if the other person would allow
that "buddy" to sit in another room while you both go off and play.
Having a friend in the next room adds so much more comfort to the other, as there will be somebody there to help if needed and will come when shouted for. Any real time player will appreciate the "buddy system," but should that person be now out numbered, be gracious and offer to invite his/her buddy so things are even.
a. This is what I like about public dungeons, the whole room is filled with people and scenes can be carried through without having to worry about disrupting the "buddy's" day.
17. When the scene is over, the calls have been made in mid scene to your "buddy" or "silent alarm," and all the toys have been collected, everybody is dressed and leaves the hotel room, just call in to your "buddy" that you have left the hotel room and now going here or there. Let your buddy get their freedom back as soon as possible.
18. Be sure and follow up on any e-mails or notifications that are in place, should you not check in. Delete what you need to delete.
19. Thank your "buddy." And please remember to offer to do the same for them, regardless if they are in the BDSM or D/s scene or not. These tips are valid for any type of meeting with new playmates or dates.
20. Remember, not every Dominant or submissive will be as skilled as another may be. Some have different kinks than others as well. If there is a disagreement please don't be "disagreeable." Be calm, polite and be able to express why you disagree on how things were done. Perhaps, through the first scene adjustments to improve the next will have you both satisfied.
21. Report any bad conduct to others. This holds true mostly with the
Dominants, as they are the ones who strike people with their toys/ tools, do bondage, torture and/or other playing activities that fall under the "Top's" realm. Please report dangerous plays such as:
a. Not obeying "safe words" or "silent codes."
b. More than occasional "wrapping" of the whip, cane or other instrument. (Note: wrapping is when the tails of the flogger or tip of the cane bends beyond the intended bulb of the buttocks, hitting on the side of the hip, thighs or kidney areas.)
1. Shows lack of skill of the Top.
2. Top may be ignorant of safe whipping zones
3. Top intentionally wishes to injure.
4. Top may switch into an alter-personality and looses touch with reality.
c. Any violation of the pre-scene negotiations, other then what was changed in the middle of the scene and consented to by both. If one person consents and the other does not. Then it is not consensual. It has to be both.
d. Any injuries which was not consented to or pre-negotiated on receiving.
1. A Top if skilled, should be able to range damage to the body from pink to blistered and welted or even drawing blood.
e. Submissive/bottoms who lie about their physical, mental and emotional health. If there is one lie, a Dominant must question what other things can the submissive/bottom be lying about.
f. Dominant or submissives who stalk, follow, harass, intimidate, threaten by any means by phone, mail, computer, e-mail, physically peeping invading work or home, or expected privacy of another. Yes, there are some sick people out here who shield their activities under the "guise" of being "true Masters/Mistresses" or "true-submissives/slaves," when all they are is an unwelcome pain in the exhaust pipe!
g. Any person whom invites others into a play scene without the consent of the other party. This means submissives as well as Dominants.
1. In my travels, submissives who visited "Pro-Dominant" females, and as client, found themselves abandoned and then hear strange voices, who laughed at him as he laid naked and tied down, with clothes pins all around his cock and balls for a hour. No safe words were given to use, and pleas were not answered. These "guests" of the Pro-Dominant, were not an agreed upon activity, and no person should be left abandoned in bondage or have clothes pins on that long of a time. Ten to fifteen minutes maximum on any genital torture.
2. Had a Dominant tell the author that a submissive, on the spur of the moment and without consent of the Dominant, brought a friend who was not into the "scene" to be done.
Not only was that person not aware of what was "being done was," but was not consensual to the Dominant. It is my understanding, that the submissive does not have that friend, as well as it seems that submissive was getting paid for what the Dominant was doing for free. Do we see a problem here? I hope so!!!
22. Report to others the good scenes, without being very specific. It is wonderful to hear feed back of when either a Dominant or submissive had a lovely scene, both enjoyed it and are eager to play again or refer friends to play with that Dominant or submissive.
a. Don't report the very intimate details as that is a private thing between the two people involved, but it is ok to say that the flogging was super or this and that.
b. Keep your business private and personal this helps keeping the "communication" and trust going.
23. Do not gossip. Reporting is one thing, but don't allow personal differences or conflicts interfere with the reputation or relationships of others at risk.
24. When the scene is finished, clean up your mess!
a. Pick up any trash.
b. Put away your toys and put furniture back into place.
c. Pick up your used condoms and put them in the waste can or dispose them in a zip lock bag for dumping elsewhere.
d. Take a shower and clean off each other's scent especially if you are married. Your marriage will suffer when there is a hint of others on the clothes or body.
e. Please check the room all over, including the bathroom for any toys or tools. Don't want to leave a whip behind now do you?
f. Check to make sure all jewelry is accounted for, this holds true to females the most as earrings fall off, rings slip off, necklaces break and on occasions watch bands break.
1. My personal policy is that no jewelry is worn during play, and is kept on a chain or in a make-up bag/pouch, in a fanny pack or in a secured place.
g. Any rope that has been in contact with body fluids should be cut and thrown away, again the Dominant/submissive may wish to take the rope and place it into a dirty bag or a bag for trash and throw it away outside of the hotel premise.
h. Return the key if it is required.
i. Leave quietly.
Now, the same for one on one scenes can apply to group or other couple scenes too. Nobody should be forced into doing a scene when they are really not prepared to do.
This in no way stops "gentle coaxing" or pushing limits. But, I am speaking of the more basic "instinct," that we all have, knowing when we are ready or when we are not.
Playing public for the first time has it's own drawbacks as some are painfully shy. Some want to show off and the other partner does not. That is when the partner chooses a friend or another playmate to play in public, so the other can sit back and watch. It really boils down to each one of us and our "comfort zone."
In doing a scene, I find often people who are trying to impress the audience, but not their play partners.
People!!! Please your partner, the audience is not playing with you at the moment. Always try to improve your skills safely and not try to show off. The most seasoned players are often not in leather, dress casual and are quite humble.
BDSM and D/s is not always about "fashion." It is the entire embracing of philosophy, rules, etiquette, manners, responsibilities and relationship no matter if it is a Top-bottom, Dominant-submissive or Master/Mistress-slave.
Questions have come up about "the scene" and "sex." Well, hate to burst more bubbles to those wanna be Dominants. Sex has nothing to do with Bondage, Discipline, Sadomasochistic behaviors, as well as the "power exchange" between the Dominant and submissive.
Sex is not necessary, although it is very nice to have. Too much focus is placed on sex and "The Scene" as these fantasy romance novels, like "Gor," "The Beauty Series," "Story of O," have put the glitter and glamour into it, as to make it good reading. Frankly a real life in slave's life is like a maid, housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, errand runner, hair dresser, whipped and tortured a little and sex if they are lucky. Being that they are often tired and have to go to work to maintain a Dominant's lifestyle, especially if it is a submissive male keeping a Dominant female.
Another question asked me one time, about Slave orgies. Well, they do exist but are usually not commonly known about. Most times you will find them a private dungeon parties, in a bedroom off the dungeon area.
I guess you can say it is semi-scene, as it has some of the corporal elements as sex is involved, or forced obedience and so forth. But, I stress, this must be consensual to all parties involved. Nobody should feel that they are unable to say "no" to participating. Some, are limited to their Master-slave, Mistress-slave contract. Most times, as in any orgies these days condoms are worn and expected, unless bonding fluid has been exchanged between Dominant/submissive then usually it is unprotected sex.
Also, it is in poor taste to "sexually" go to it on the dungeon furniture and especially when it does not belong to you.
What one does in their own dungeon is their own business, but when one is a guest, please excuse yourself to rooms designated for wild passionate lustful sex, usually a bedroom.
In creating and participating in a scene. Please be a courteous person. It is easy to let things get out of hand with many new to the scene Domiants, who want to keep going or new submissive who want to keep going. When it is time to go-GO! Save it for the next time.
When thinking of scenes, be creative. Do not think you must spend a lot of money to make a great scene. Know your limits. Put forth the idea that the scene should be fun, explore areas that need to be pressed or pushed to "the edge." Scenes can be a means of healing, to face the fear in a controlled way in walking with your partner, to whom you have communication, trust and bonded with. Some scenes may be a way to see flaws in our personal make up or attitudes.
The work or job environment has submissive and dominant personalities, and although you really can not whip the work force, you can take ideas and methods into work and apply them.
Some Dominants create a "serving dinner" scene. This is a wonderful way to brush up on manners and correct serving methods, the proper dress, the setting of the table, etc.
Each couple needs to explore their creative mind and go into the scene with the knowledge that there are safety nets. Not all safety nets will work. There will be injuries, some unintentional and that is a risk all need to understand.
When working with fire, use safe measures to keep the flame away from curtains, bed sheets, clothes, hair, bystanders and from being knocked over. If one insists doing it in a hotel room, do it in the shower. The tile floor and tub will be less likely to burn, the smoke detectors in the room will not go off and less likely chance that something will catch on fire. The same holds true outdoors. Do it when the outdoors is damp, and not when things are dried out and is a fire hazard. Put sand or dirt area around, as to prevent flames spreading. Keeping a means to smother the flames handy at all times.
Also, keep in mind anybody who is not part of "The Scene," are non-consensual.
This means the restaurant, theater and parking lot. This does not mean that a place has to be packed with people, it is when you choose a place where society at large does not condone Dominance/submission, Bondage, Discipline, Sadism or Masochism.
Also, you may not wish to become a video movie. It is now safe to say that most parking lots, both commercial and private have security cameras. You would be surprised how many things are picked up, and where those pesky cameras are hidden.
Do you think you are safe inside a warehouse or store while it is closed for business? Wrong, those pesky security cameras are there too, due to much theft by employees. It does not matter if it is abandoned or not, those video rolls keep going and going till somebody shuts off that camera, as often they have their own battery to keep going when the electricity is turned off.
Not like the good 'ole days folks! Oh? You think farms are safe? No, wrong again - most farm land is now under the wonderful wide eyes of a video camera, as theft of animals, vandalism and theft of crops have occurred, the old trusty video camera is set up and watching, and clever farmers have set up timers to turn on and turn off cameras.
Course, this does not include that farm dog that keeps an eye on things.
Do you have the idea, that there are a few places to have those outdoor scenes? Sometimes pesky planes fly over head as well.
Just be careful out there people! Oh, watch out for those poison ivy plants and nettle plants, snakes, bees, spiders, and creatures that live in those woods.
Also, if you do use the outdoors, you may want to pack a snake bite kit, of course those snake bite suction cups make great nipple torture toys, but also will be needed if snake bites. Bring a first aid kit, flashlights, extra water and blankets just in case you have to spend some time till you are rescued.
Mobile phones are good for such "scenes." Never know when your tire goes flat or a medical emergency happens.
Also know, there has been a heavy outbreak of rabies. So it is not uncommon for people to be attached suddenly during the daytime.
Please use common sense in your scenes. Have plenty of help it will be needed.
What is style? Style can be viewed on how one plays, like dressed in clothes of period Victorian England, the dominant wears and uses the toys available to him/her of that day.
There are several "known" styles that are as follows: Greco-Roman (Greek-Roman), Gorean which closely follows Greco-Roman, but based on a fantasy novel, but seem there is a cult following, Renaissance, Elizabethan, Victorian, Civil War era, Southern, Old Guard, New Guard, Gothic (in the new industrial age sense), Industrial and a blend of the listed styles.
What is Role-Play? It is when both the Top and bottom create a scene in which both take a role outside of boring daily life, such as a Roman Conquer (dominant) and his/her captive (submissive).
When creating a role, again it has been stated before, be careful about emotional triggers or land mines. Keep in mind the race, religion and past into consideration when creating these role play scenarios.
Try to incorporate the elements of Bondage, Discipline Sadism and/or Masochism into the play within the role of Dominant and submissive.
One does not have to throw all they know into one session unless they know it will not occur again.
Dominants burn themselves out quickly if they use all their magic up in one scene and when they have nothing to offer later. Submissives will move on when the same thing happens every time - use variety.
Submissives also burn themselves out as well, when they do not continue to try to improve themselves. Sometimes moving elsewhere, play with different Tops will help spark that energy that was once there.
e. Submissive/bottoms who lie about their physical, mental and emotional health. If there is one lie, a Dominant must question what other things can the submissive/bottom be lying about.
f. Dominant or submissives who stalk, follow, harass, intimidate, threaten by any means by phone, mail, computer, e-mail, physically peeping invading work or home, or expected privacy of another. Yes, there are some sick people out here who shield their activities under the "guise" of being "true Masters/Mistresses" or "true-submissives/slaves," when all they are is an unwelcome pain in the exhaust pipe!
g. Any person whom invites others into a play scene without the consent of the other party. This means submissives as well as Dominants.
1. In my travels, submissives who visited "Pro-Dominant" females, and as client, found themselves abandoned and then hear strange voices, who laughed at him as he laid naked and tied down, with clothes pins all around his cock and balls for a hour. No safe words were given to use, and pleas were not answered. These "guests" of the Pro-Dominant, were not an agreed upon activity, and no person should be left abandoned in bondage or have clothes pins on that long of a time. Ten to fifteen minutes maximum on any genital torture.
2. Had a Dominant tell the author that a submissive, on the spur of the moment and without consent of the Dominant, brought a friend who was not into the "scene" to be done. Not only was that person not aware of what was "being done was," but was not consensual to the Dominant. It is my understanding, that the submissive does not have that friend, as well as it seems that submissive was getting paid for what the Dominant was doing for free. Do we see a problem here? I hope so!!!
22. Report to others the good scenes, without being very specific. It is wonderful to hear feed back of when either a Dominant or submissive had a lovely scene, both enjoyed it and are eager to play again or refer friends to play with that Dominant or submissive.
a. Don't report the very intimate details as that is a private thing between the two people involved, but it is ok to say that the flogging was super or this and that.
b. Keep your business private and personal this helps keeping the "communication" and trust going.
23. Do not gossip. Reporting is one thing, but don't allow personal differences or conflicts interfere with the reputation or relationships of others at risk.
24. When the scene is finished, clean up your mess!
a. Pick up any trash.
b. Put away your toys and put furniture back into place.
c. Pick up your used condoms and put them in the waste can or dispose them in a zip lock bag for dumping elsewhere.
d. Take a shower and clean off each other's scent especially if you are married. Your marriage will suffer when there is a hint of others on the clothes or body.
e. Please check the room all over, including the bathroom for any toys or tools. Don't want to leave a whip behind now do you?
f. Check to make sure all jewelry is accounted for, this holds true to females the most as earrings fall off, rings slip off, necklaces break and on occasions watch bands break.
1. My personal policy is that no jewelry is worn during play, and is kept on a chain or in a make-up bag/pouch, in a fanny pack or in a secured place.
g. Any rope that has been in contact with body fluids should be cut and thrown away, again the Dominant/submissive may wish to take the rope and place it into a dirty bag or a bag for trash and throw it away outside of the hotel premise.
h. Return the key if it is required.
i. Leave quietly.
Now, the same for one on one scenes can apply to group or other couple scenes too. Nobody should be forced into doing a scene when they are really not prepared to do.
This in no way stops "gentle coaxing" or pushing limits. But, I am speaking of the more basic "instinct," that we all have, knowing when we are ready or when we are not.
Playing public for the first time has it's own drawbacks as some are painfully shy. Some want to show off and the other partner does not. That is when the partner chooses a friend or another playmate to play in public, so the other can sit back and watch. It really boils down to each one of us and our "comfort zone."
In doing a scene, I find often people who are trying to impress the audience, but not their play partners.
People!!! Please your partner, the audience is not playing with you at the moment. Always try to improve your skills safely and not try to show off. The most seasoned players are often not in leather, dress casual and are quite humble.
BDSM and D/s is not always about "fashion." It is the entire embracing of philosophy, rules, etiquette, manners, responsibilities and relationship no matter if it is a Top-bottom, Dominant-submissive or Master/Mistress-slave.
Questions have come up about "the scene" and "sex." Well, hate to burst more bubbles to those wanna be Dominants. Sex has nothing to do with Bondage, Discipline, Sadomasochistic behaviors, as well as the "power exchange" between the Dominant and submissive.
Sex is not necessary, although it is very nice to have. Too much focus is placed on sex and "The Scene" as these fantasy romance novels, like "Gor," "The Beauty Series," "Story of O," have put the glitter and glamour into it, as to make it good reading. Frankly a real life in slave's life is like a maid, housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, errand runner, hair dresser, whipped and tortured a little and sex if they are lucky. Being that they are often tired and have to go to work to maintain a Dominant's lifestyle, especially if it is a submissive male keeping a Dominant female.
Another question asked me one time, about Slave orgies. Well, they do exist but are usually not commonly known about. Most times you will find them a private dungeon parties, in a bedroom off the dungeon area.
I guess you can say it is semi-scene, as it has some of the corporal elements as sex is involved, or forced obedience and so forth. But, I stress, this must be consensual to all parties involved. Nobody should feel that they are unable to say "no" to participating. Some, are limited to their Master-slave, Mistress-slave contract. Most times, as in any orgies these days condoms are worn and expected, unless bonding fluid has been exchanged between Dominant/submissive then usually it is unprotected sex.
Also, it is in poor taste to "sexually" go to it on the dungeon furniture and especially when it does not belong to you.
What one does in their own dungeon is their own business, but when one is a guest, please excuse yourself to rooms designated for wild passionate lustful sex, usually a bedroom.
In creating and participating in a scene. Please be a courteous person. It is easy to let things get out of hand with many new to the scene Domiants, who want to keep going or new submissive who want to keep going. When it is time to go-GO! Save it for the next time.
When thinking of scenes, be creative. Do not think you must spend a lot of money to make a great scene. Know your limits. Put forth the idea that the scene should be fun, explore areas that need to be pressed or pushed to "the edge." Scenes can be a means of healing, to face the fear in a controlled way in walking with your partner, to whom you have communication, trust and bonded with. Some scenes may be a way to see flaws in our personal make up or attitudes.
The work or job environment has submissive and dominant personalities, and although you really can not whip the work force, you can take ideas and methods into work and apply them.
Some Dominants create a "serving dinner" scene. This is a wonderful way to brush up on manners and correct serving methods, the proper dress, the setting of the table, etc.
Each couple needs to explore their creative mind and go into the scene with the knowledge that there are safety nets. Not all safety nets will work. There will be injuries, some unintentional and that is a risk all need to understand.
When working with fire, use safe measures to keep the flame away from curtains, bed sheets, clothes, hair, bystanders and from being knocked over. If one insists doing it in a hotel room, do it in the shower. The tile floor and tub will be less likely to burn, the smoke detectors in the room will not go off and less likely chance that something will catch on fire. The same holds true outdoors. Do it when the outdoors is damp, and not when things are dried out and is a fire hazard. Put sand or dirt area around, as to prevent flames spreading. Keeping a means to smother the flames handy at all times.
Also, keep in mind anybody who is not part of "The Scene," are non-consensual.
This means the restaurant, theater and parking lot. This does not mean that a place has to be packed with people, it is when you choose a place where society at large does not condone Dominance/submission, Bondage, Discipline, Sadism or Masochism.
Also, you may not wish to become a video movie. It is now safe to say that most parking lots, both commercial and private have security cameras. You would be surprised how many things are picked up, and where those pesky cameras are hidden.
Do you think you are safe inside a warehouse or store while it is closed for business? Wrong, those pesky security cameras are there too, due to much theft by employees. It does not matter if it is abandoned or not, those video rolls keep going and going till somebody shuts off that camera, as often they have their own battery to keep going when the electricity is turned off.
Not like the good 'ole days folks! Oh? You think farms are safe? No, wrong again - most farm land is now under the wonderful wide eyes of a video camera, as theft of animals, vandalism and theft of crops have occurred, the old trusty video camera is set up and watching, and clever farmers have set up timers to turn on and turn off cameras.
Course, this does not include that farm dog that keeps an eye on things.
Do you have the idea, that there are a few places to have those outdoor scenes? Sometimes pesky planes fly over head as well.
Just be careful out there people! Oh, watch out for those poison ivy plants and nettle plants, snakes, bees, spiders, and creatures that live in those woods.
Also, if you do use the outdoors, you may want to pack a snake bite kit, of course those snake bite suction cups make great nipple torture toys, but also will be needed if snake bites. Bring a first aid kit, flashlights, extra water and blankets just in case you have to spend some time till you are rescued.
Mobile phones are good for such "scenes." Never know when your tire goes flat or a medical emergency happens.
Also know, there has been a heavy outbreak of rabies. So it is not uncommon for people to be attached suddenly during the daytime.
Please use common sense in your scenes. Have plenty of help it will be needed.
What is style? Style can be viewed on how one plays, like dressed in clothes of period Victorian England, the dominant wears and uses the toys available to him/her of that day.
There are several "known" styles that are as follows: Greco-Roman (Greek-Roman), Gorean which closely follows Greco-Roman, but based on a fantasy novel, but seem there is a cult following, Renaissance, Elizabethan, Victorian, Civil War era, Southern, Old Guard, New Guard, Gothic (in the new industrial age sense), Industrial and a blend of the listed styles.
What is Role-Play? It is when both the Top and bottom create a scene in which both take a role outside of boring daily life, such as a Roman Conquer (dominant) and his/her captive (submissive).
When creating a role, again it has been stated before, be careful about emotional triggers or land mines. Keep in mind the race, religion and past into consideration when creating these role play scenarios.
Try to incorporate the elements of Bondage, Discipline Sadism and/or Masochism into the play within the role of Dominant and submissive.
One does not have to throw all they know into one session unless they know it will not occur again.
Dominants burn themselves out quickly if they use all their magic up in one scene and when they have nothing to offer later. Submissives will move on when the same thing happens every time - use variety.
Submissives also burn themselves out as well, when they do not continue to try to improve themselves. Sometimes moving elsewhere, play with different Tops will help spark that energy that was once there.
End of excerpt from The Manual How you give service.
Courtesy of lusciouslips19 (on the list) about Pain:
I. PAIN CLASSIFICATION
A. Acute
1. Either a symptom of a disease condition or a temporary aspect of medical treatment.
2. It acts as a warning signal
3. It is usually temporary, of sudden onset, and easily localized
4. Usually subsides with or without treatment
B. Chronic
1. Affects 25% of the population
2. Persist or recurs for indefinite periods, usually longer than 6 months
3. Has an obscure onset and the character and quality of pain changes over time
4. Usually is diffused, poorly localized and often requires the efforts to multidisciplinary health care team
C. Intractable
1. Chronic
2. It exist without demonstrable disease
D. Phantom
1. Frequently experience with amputation
E. Referred Pain
1. Pain is felt in a surface far from the stimulated organ
2. May result from stimulation of receptors in the viscera (internal organs)
F. Somatic Pain
1. arises from stimulation of receptors in skin (superficial) or from receptors in skeletal muscles, joints, tendons, and fascia (deep)
Listed below are the different types of pain location to be considered:
A. Location
1. Localized pain (confined to the site of origin).
2. Projected pain (a result of proximal nerve compression).
3. Radiating pain (diffuse pain, which is not well localized).
4. Referred pain (felt in an area distant from the site of the stimulus).
III. TYPES OF PAIN
A. Prickling Pain: Localized pain when skin is cut or jabbed.
B. Burning: A warm “burning” sensation on skin. Less localization – slower to develop.
C. Aching: When visceral organs are stimulated. It is constant, not localized and it is often referred to areas of the body far from where the damage has occurred.
D. Deep: Not usually localized, nauseating, and frequently associated with sweating and changes in blood pressure.
E. Muscle Pain: When blood supply to a muscle is occluded.
IV. TRIGGER POINTS( these are refered to as knots or pressure points by lay people)
A. An area that is aggravated by stress
B. Small areas of hyperirritability within muscles
C. Often located in a tight bond of muscle fibers
D. Can cause referred pain
VI. DERMATOME
A. An area of the skin that a sensory nerve root services.
B. Cutaneous (skin) distribution of spinal nerve sensation
VII. MOTOR POINT
A. The point where motor nerve enters the muscle it innervates and causes a muscle to twitch if stimulated.
Please consider these things and hopefully you will have a deeper appreciation for yourself and your body.
Just some thoughts.
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
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