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insidioustoy -> Just a little slice of my day . . . (12/16/2007 6:06:56 PM)
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Alright, this is for those of us who have ever forgotten to go potty at the office then had to drive home at Mach 10 after squirming in your seat through 1.5 hours in rush hour (rush my ass) traffic. You know the scenario, you pull up to your house, fumble with your bag/briefcase, jump out of the car. You realize you forget to lock it so you turn around, lock the damn thing, and do the pee-pee dance up the walk/stairs/whatever. You reach the front door only to realize you have tossed your keys into the black-hole otherwise known as your purse and naturally they have migrated past 2 years of neglected receipts, coins, gum wrappers, and 500 pens that have dried up. The keys keep slipping out of your fingers like mercury while you stand there with your legs crossed together so tightly that if you stuck a lump of coal between your thighs it would turn into a diamond. Finally you grab them and unlock the door. You toss everything on the floor and run (well, you do the knee-knocking-waddle) as fast as you can while pulling your skirt/trousers/panties/nylons down, not giving a damn that your next door neighbor is watering his feet as well as his lawn laughing his considerable ass off cause you just did the nudie-bootie boot-scootin-boogie bare-assed across your front picture window. Finally, there she is, the bathroom!!! Fucking yes!!! We made it!! Only a few more feet to go . . . thank God for Pilates cause we are doing some serious core clenching now. You pray your gear is down because you know your butt wont even hit the seat before you explode . . . ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh relief. While you are there, you are feeling so good, you decide you might as well do a number 2 too. There. Perfect. You turn and reach for the toilet paper only to see . . . .
wtf???? ONE LOUSY STINKING SQUARE OF TOILET PAPER?!?!?! There it hangs, superglued to the cardboard roll, mocking you. Smiling at you cause it knows it is no way gonna be enough. It knows if you try to pull it off, you'll only get tissue confetti. Silently laughing at you cause it knows you are gonna have to do the butt-walk across the bathroom to grab another roll, humiliated, praying you wont drip, or worse, praying the phone wont ring. Alright, you think, who did this? What kind of sick, evil, sadistic, twisted (no offence Sir!!!!), brainless bastard would do something like this? To use the toilet paper within a literal inch of its life and not replace the damn thing?
If I find the culprit, I think I am going to make them a nice 5 course meal consisting of prunes, extra hot curry, 3 alarm chili, cabbage and cranberry juice. Then I am going to remove all of the toilet paper from the bathroom, cupboard too . . . except for one roll . . . one used up roll . . . a roll consisting only of . . . .
that last square.
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