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RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/18/2007 4:45:35 AM   
rizzle


Posts: 26
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline 		im still learning about the person in question but what is basically happening is that this person picks really really bad partners for play. partners that wont respect her limits etc. she knows she is bad at judging these people but something about these partners being out of her control turns her on. One time i permitted her to play with a friend who she knew but i didnt - he broke her trust and went beyond her limits, but she readily admitted she enjoyed it but also it upset her enough to cry. she is very very confused by this. I am now in full control of who she meets, she will not meet anyone until i have met them first. also, she wont be meeting any men at all for the foreseeable future. what worries me about all this is that even though this person broke her trust and her limits, she admits she liked it, so is my control over her seeing people going to work?

(in reply to Russngem)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/18/2007 5:36:18 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rizzle

im still learning about the person in question but what is basically happening is that this person picks really really bad partners for play. partners that wont respect her limits etc. she knows she is bad at judging these people but something about these partners being out of her control turns her on. One time i permitted her to play with a friend who she knew but i didnt - he broke her trust and went beyond her limits, but she readily admitted she enjoyed it but also it upset her enough to cry. she is very very confused by this. I am now in full control of who she meets, she will not meet anyone until i have met them first. also, she wont be meeting any men at all for the foreseeable future. what worries me about all this is that even though this person broke her trust and her limits, she admits she liked it, so is my control over her seeing people going to work?


why are you trying to control her feelings? if she admitted she liked it, then perhaps she is experimenting with edge play and also using the play as a catharthis. You are not giving enough information here. Breaking trust and limits, making someone cry, her liking it, it is all too vague for me.

I already gave you a detailed answer but without your details, I cannot help you further.

(in reply to rizzle)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/18/2007 10:27:35 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleWench

I wonder, how many victims of actual non consentual rape experience rape fantasies?

I can't comprehend that anyone would choose to feel that way, and once done it cannnot be undone, only worked through.



Me.  It lets me experience an alternate ending, a safe ending, that doesn't end in friends breaking in to rescue, in endless screaming, in time missing from my memory, and the long, godawful road back.  It lets me make a certain specific sexual scene (not rape, but the circumstances around it) okay to enjoy.  Doesn't work for everyone, but it works for me.

Cali



Ditto ditto ditto.

However, my Master does not "rape" nor does he "rape play."  It rubs him wrong.  He uses me as he pleases and I eagerly serve in whatever form he wants.  Having the fantasy does not mean he will engage in it.  But I have often fantasized with an alternate ending, and that has helped.

Now, he takes me down hard.  He will grab me and throw me down and thrash on me.  I love it.  I love him and I trust him and I know he's just enjoying himself with me.  But he does not rape me nor pretend to because he hates anything nonconsentual, even in pretend.  The first time I spoke of him raping my ass, he corrected my language.

Fantasy is a way to visualize desires played out in a way that is safe for me.  If he were to actually have someone take me and pretend to rape me without my knowing what was happening, I would probably freak out, thinking I was being raped again.  Fantasizing about rape has been a way for me to control what is actually happening.  This makes it a completely different experience.

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 1:58:07 AM   
rizzle


Posts: 26
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline 		further to my initial query - if you knew there was someone on this site who showed a blatant disregard for someones limits and caused some nasty bruising in places that that they shouldnt have, would you report them to the site moderators and/or the police?

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 2:50:12 AM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		Neither. If the person is of age, it's their business, not yours and definitely not CM's.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.


(in reply to rizzle)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 4:55:54 AM   
exquisitefeline1


Posts: 69
Joined: 9/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rizzle

further to my initial query - if you knew there was someone on this site who showed a blatant disregard for someones limits and caused some nasty bruising in places that that they shouldnt have, would you report them to the site moderators and/or the police?


In the states there have been success stories of BDSM in court, i am not sure about the UK but. It would definitely be hard to prove if she met the person though a site like this, also the correspondence could be used as evidence, and by the sounds of what she desires, sounds like she got what she wanted but maybe more than she bargon for.
Sexual assault is always difficult to prove, she of course would have, had to, contact the police immediately after the incident to report and have photos taken, and what she would have to go through may be more damaging.
i would say that she should be more careful and discerning in meeting ppl, and get some professional help, sound like major issues here.

(in reply to rizzle)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 6:27:02 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rizzle

further to my initial query - if you knew there was someone on this site who showed a blatant disregard for someones limits and caused some nasty bruising in places that that they shouldnt have, would you report them to the site moderators and/or the police?


You can't "save" everyone.  Heck, half the time you can't even "save" the people who say they want to be saved.  Unless you're wearing a badge, I'd drop it.  If the "victim" wants help, then by all means, be there to support them.

As far as site mods go, read the stickied thread on blacklists.  It's a "no go".

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to rizzle)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 7:39:34 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		aloha rizzle, this person is going to be trouble for you. i am unsure of yoru dynamic, it sounds as though you are sort of a protector but not her dom? these relationships (trainor, protector mentor) mean differnt things to differnt people and the other thing i am confused about is this realife or online.

if it is on line my advice is super simple....DTMFA, a not very nice way of saying this reltionship has to many ear marks of non-compatibility

if it is realife, i think you freind needs help.  i think she struggles with concepts of love intimacy safey, excitment ect...it sounds as though she is unsure of her boundaies.

which is why ( i am assuming ) she brought you into the picture.

so yes your control over seeing other people will work if she truly has chosen you to change her results she is having in her life, but if not then your intuition is right and she will break agreements and honestly this will hurt more then you think it will/

ask her why she chose you, have her write an essay on why she wants you to creat this barrier of entry for the next man in her bed......and why she chose you to help her.

then youll know if she is really wanting to shift or not.



_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 8:52:28 AM   
rizzle


Posts: 26
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline 		good advice crouching trigress, yes i am her Dom but to be fair im pretty new to it all and its just sex fun for me not a way of life. i think there is some element of her wanting me to protect her from herself but yes im worried that she will break agreements in order to get that excitement kick that she needs. this is very much a real time thing - we started off online friends a few years ago but have been real time for a few months now. i may have to think of this as a long term project but like you say, if i put a lot of effort in and she continues this behaviour im going to be pretty upset.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 8:57:48 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rizzle

good advice crouching trigress, yes i am her Dom but to be fair im pretty new to it all and its just sex fun for me not a way of life. i think there is some element of her wanting me to protect her from herself but yes im worried that she will break agreements in order to get that excitement kick that she needs. this is very much a real time thing - we started off online friends a few years ago but have been real time for a few months now. i may have to think of this as a long term project but like you say, if i put a lot of effort in and she continues this behaviour im going to be pretty upset.


I would not like to be thought of as a long term project. You say it's all just "sex fun" to you? Well it sounds as if you are not capable of handing the emotional and psychological nuances that are sometimes required for play of this kind.

I doubt you could control anything about this chick or ever will.

(in reply to rizzle)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 9:08:33 AM   
rizzle


Posts: 26
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline 		this girl has asked me to be her Master and control her body and her mind - she said she hopes I will train her into a well behaved slut that i will be proud to own.
BDSM is sex fun to me, not the girl

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 9:10:29 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I don't know rizzle, I am not getting the sense that you can handle the levels of psychology that this particular relationship as you have described it might require.

but good luck with your project.

(in reply to rizzle)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 10:47:56 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rizzle

good advice crouching trigress, yes i am her Dom but to be fair im pretty new to it all and its just sex fun for me not a way of life. i think there is some element of her wanting me to protect her from herself but yes im worried that she will break agreements in order to get that excitement kick that she needs. this is very much a real time thing - we started off online friends a few years ago but have been real time for a few months now. i may have to think of this as a long term project but like you say, if i put a lot of effort in and she continues this behaviour im going to be pretty upset.


Rizzle, when you say "sex fun" do you mean you don't have a structured d/s dynamic?  If you are in fact her Dom and haven't implemented rules about her play and contact with others you might consider it.  However, as I think you're already aware from your prior posts, you are unlikely to be a good substitute for professional help that she seems to need if she is purposefully engaging in self-destructive or overly risky behavior.   The bottom line is you really need to find a kink friendly therapist for her and talk to them about whether you are actually making the situation worse by being her lifeline and bailing her out.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to rizzle)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 11:50:58 AM   
rizzle


Posts: 26
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline 		what i mean is that we are now developing a structured dynamic that is incorporating strict rules dictating her play and behaviour and contact with others. if she follows them all well and good but shes her own person and may of course "lose her way". i dont see it as much different to a normal relationship in which the guy is older and has been through the partying, the drugs and the crazy sex and now knows his own limits, getting with a young girl who is doing all this and still finding out what her limits are. ive got to let her find her own limits, while trying to ensure she doesnt come to enough harm to actually damage her long term. i think the latest episode has shown her what makes her happy and what doesnt but i know as well as anyone that these "feelings" or fantasies do not just start and stop immediately. oh and for what its worth i have a batchelors degree in psychology - that makes me no expert on psychology i know but at least ive studied it in some depth.

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 3:45:34 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Alot of people have BA's in pychology, you're right it doesn't amount to much.  In your OP you state that this person picked really really bad partners, wanted to be raped for real and engaged in dangerous situations could case them real physical and psychological harm, now they're just trying out limits?  The two aren't really similar and not even remotely close to partying in college. Which is it?

Could it be your sub's expectations of intensity exceed your own so what she wants must be dangerous?  Or was it true and you're minimizing it?   The person you described in your OP needs real help and you minimizing it or running in to save her is the exact opposite of that.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 12/19/2007 3:46:45 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to rizzle)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 6:10:48 PM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rizzle

i know all this is bad - what im looking for is ways to show the person that they need to do something to sort it out. the person in question has already had quite a scare in this regard but it doesnt seem to have changed things.


Sounds like more of an addiction to excitement than a desire to be really raped. Maybe this person should try sky-diving or something of that nature. The risk is real enough there. heh heh

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to rizzle)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: when pretend play is not enough - 12/19/2007 6:37:24 PM   
exquisitefeline1


Posts: 69
Joined: 9/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavemaia

quote:

ORIGINAL: rizzle

i know all this is bad - what im looking for is ways to show the person that they need to do something to sort it out. the person in question has already had quite a scare in this regard but it doesnt seem to have changed things.


Sounds like more of an addiction to excitement than a desire to be really raped. Maybe this person should try sky-diving or something of that nature. The risk is real enough there. heh heh



Adrenaline addiction can best be exercised in surprisingly safer, yet terrifyingly thrilling ways, i agree. Base Jumping oohhh yeah!

(in reply to slavemaia)
Profile   Post #: 37
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